Ache No More

April 2, 1979

It was the day of her parents' funeral and Lily could sense her sister barely managing to glare resentfully at her while she cried and sobbed. Probably Petunia was thinking her composure during the whole ceremony was nothing less than indecent; Lily's eyes were perfectly dry and her face felt coolly numb.

It didn't matter how easy it was then, envying her sibling's public expression of grief; it was never in her nature to express her deeper feelings so wildly. Her mother and father were gone; her mind knew it, but her heart couldn't feel believe they were gone, regardless of her attempts. She just didn't seem able to grasp the concept; it didn't feel like they were gone, so were they really? Behind her, Sirius stood scowling fiercely back at Petunia while James silently supported Lily, wrapping one protective arm around her waist.

Once in a while, Lily allowed her gaze to wander around, searching for a sallow, absent face. If Severus had come, she wouldn't have wondered if he'd had something to do with her parents' deaths, barely one week after her marriage. Each and every time her husband had tried to approach the matter (last night, for example) she rebuffed him so gracelessly that the expression of bewildered concern on his face would have struck her as comical under any other circumstance.

"Lily, listen -"

"We won't talk about it now, James."

"It's natural to wonder -"

"Not. Now."

"If I could get my hands on Snivellus -"

"Hogwarts is over, James. Stop calling him that!"

"Lily, you know you can confide in me about anything, right?"

"Yes."

"When you feel ready to talk...."

"When I feel ready, I'll talk."

James didn't understand, of course. James quite often didn't get some things until they smacked him in the face. Sometimes she thought this was possibly one of the reasons their relationship workeds so well; as weird as it was, this lack of vulnerability toward him had always made her feel tougher, more adult.

There weren't many things she was certain about any more, but that Severus Snape could not be involved in these deaths, Death Eater or not, was one of them. She remembered far too well the way he used to glance covertly at her father whenever the older man said something sarcastic or plainly pragmatic; there was admiration in Severus' face. They used to talk with quiet familiarity when he came over. Her mother was always kind to her best friend, inviting him for lunch or dinner whenever the occasion arose, never failing to call him over when she baked cookies or tried a new cake recipe.

Even after their ugly falling-out in fifth year, as she spent whole the term trying to learn how to not be his friend, Severus still stopped with them at King's Cross Station as he waited for his mom's arrival, answering with his usual aloof politeness their questions about how his school year had gone. Severus liked her parents, in his way, although she suspected it would take Veritaserum to get him to admit it.

No, Lily could not accept he would do this to her, regardless of whom she married. Yet once upon a time, she would never have believed she would hear him calling her Mudblood, either.

How many careless betrayals does it take to butcher a friendship? To erase its memories?

Once she would have forgiven him anything; he might have set all of the Gryffindors against her, belittled Petunia, acted as if he would wish nothing better than to keep Lily tucked away and hidden in his pocket like some treasured private possession; Lily would still have forgiven and accepted.

Lily wondered if Severus Snape had ever known he could have aimed a wand at her head and she would have happily challenged him to Oblivate her. Hell, when they were nine years old and he accidentally Transfigured her right foot into moss-covered stone, she had gone to great lengths to hide it from her family, terrified that her parents would forbid her to see him again. They were lucky Eileen had discovered them when they were frantically rummaging among her books two days later or Merlin knows what else might have happened. Lily knew then that she had chosen him over her sister time after time until it was too late to repair things with Petunia .

I loved you the most, moron. Did you notice? Did you see?

Perhaps he would have not chosen Darkness, if he had ever truly cared enough to notice. It turned out to be the one thing she couldn't forgive him for.

Lily prayed that her blindness was not the reason she'd just lost whole her family.