Survivor's Guilt: Moony's Tale

Two things quickly became apparent to him upon reentering the castle. The first was that it was later than he had thought, since he had clearly missed breakfast. Students were pouring out of the Great Hall. The second was that Something had Happened.

As soon as the students caught sight of him, they drew up short and began whispering to one another. Some of them hurried away, ducking into side corridors and sending nervous glances over their shoulders.

Remus sighed inwardly. Severus's work, no doubt. Even though his wolf senses had receded in the wake of the full moon he did not need to overhear their whispers to guess what the commotion was about. With a slightly martyred expression he made his way through the sea of students who fell back to leave a clear path for him.

He had just turned down the corridor to his rooms when he caught sight of Professor Dumbledore.

"Remus, dear lad!" the Headmaster beamed. "Good morning! I was just beginning to worry. I'll have Severus call off the search party, shall I?" he chortled.

Remus returned the smile tiredly. He was about to ask Dumbledore if he might have a private word with him, but a quick glance around showed him that the corridor was suddenly and mysteriously empty of students.

"Headmaster," he said, "I couldn't -- er -- help but notice ...."

"That the students are not precisely welcoming the returning hero of last night's adventures with open arms? Yes, well .... It seems Severus -- er -- 'accidentally' let something slip this morning over breakfast about the nature of your condition." Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "Dear, dear. Very upset, he was. Fudge was all set to declare him the hero of the piece and award him the Order of Merlin. But then Black escaped." Dumbledore gave him a shrewd look. "I wouldn't suppose you'd know anything about that, would you?" he asked.

"No, no. Nothing. Of course not," Remus assured him quickly, glancing around.

"I see." Dumbledore nodded and clicked his tongue. "So very careless. I can't imagine how he managed it. Without help, that is."

"Yes, of course," Remus suppressed a smile. "Most puzzling, Professor."

Dumbledore continued to nod, looking Remus up and down a moment longer. At last he said, "you look tired, dear boy. Have you considered maybe going away for a bit?"

Remus never could understand how Dumbledore managed to be so perceptive. He could only be glad that such a man was on his side. "I had -- thought about it, Professor," he said guardedly.

"I imagine this has been a very trying year for you, Remus." Dumbledore patted his shoulder sympathetically. "And what with Severus's careless little blunder, well, perhaps it would be best if you, ah, left at once?" he raised white eyebrows over half-moon spectacles.

Remus grinned outright at that, but quickly wiped away the expression when he saw Hagrid rounding the corner. "Yes, yes of course, Headmaster," he said in a raised voice, nodding emphatically. "In fact, I think I really should resign at once! After all, I can't risk an ... incident of this kind happening again!"

"No, indeed not." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "But you really have done a wonderful job with the students this year, Professor. I am very pleased with their progress. In fact, I mean to see if I can't arrange some sort of bonus for you. No, no, dear boy!" he continued as Remus opened his mouth to protest. "I insist! You've earned it."

"Thank you, Headmaster," he murmured. "I'll just be -- er -- in my office. Packing, you know. No need to delay."

Dumbledore nodded. "I shall summon a carriage for you at once. I'll let you know when it arrives."

Dumbledore turned to Hagrid who had been rocking back and forth on his feet some distance away from them. "Is there something I can do for you, Rubeus?" Dumbledore asked as Remus turned to go.

"Actually, Professor Dumbledore, Sir, I was jus' wonderin' if -- ah, that is, I jus' wanted to ask Professor Lupin if he might have -- eaten anythin' las' night?" His ears turned pink. "On'y, yeh know, Beaky got away, an' I was worried ...."

"No, Hagrid," Remus have him a reassuring smile. "I didn't eat anything last night. In fact, I was quite sorry to have missed breakfast."

Hagrid nodded. "I'm glad ter know that, Sir. An' I was sorry to hear that Sirius Black escaped. I jus' know yeh would have caught 'im if it hadn' been the full moon."

"Indeed, Hagrid," he wrestled down another smile. "Such a shame. Well, who knows? Perhaps I shall have another chance to catch him one day?"

Dumbledore gave a cough that sounded suspiciously like a laugh. "Perhaps," he said. "But now, lads, I have things to do, and I know you'll be wanting to be away soon, Professor." He nodded cordially to Remus and headed down the corridor.

"Good day, Headmaster. Good day, Hagrid," Remus nodded and continued down the corridor in the opposite direction.

He packed relatively quickly, but without his wand it was still slow going. It took him nearly three hours to pack up his rooms and office. He hoped he would have enough time to say goodbye to Harry, but he knew that the three teenagers had spent the night in the hospital wing, and he thought maybe it would be prudent to pack before risking the wrath of Madam Pomfrey so that at least he could make a quick getaway.

The Marauder's Map was still lying open on his desk. Just as foolish for Snape to leave it lying about as for me, he thought, shaking his head. I really should have brought it with me last night. He peered closely at the parchment, watching the little labeled dots move about. Snape had not known how to shut the thing off, and he no longer had his wand, so he merely looked at it.

There were very few student dots in the castle. It was a hot, June day, and many of them had gone into Hogsmeade. Of the ones who had stayed behind, most of them were out enjoying the sunshine. He saw the dots labeled "Ron" and "Hermione" side by side next to the lake but could not find Harry anywhere near them.

At last he located the "Harry" dot moving swiftly through the corridors of the castle towards his own office. A moment later he heard running footsteps in the hallway and then a pause followed by a tentative knock, though the door was already ajar.

Remus looked up at Harry. "I saw you coming." He smiled and pointed at the map.

"I just saw Hagrid," Harry burst out without preamble. He was slightly out of breath. "And he said you'd resigned. It's not true, is it?"

"I'm afraid it is," Remus told him, quickly turning back to his task to cover the sudden tight feeling in his chest. He had not thought how hard it would be to leave Harry. He's safe, he reminded himself. Peter won't come near him now, and Dumbledore's watching out for him. He doesn't need me. It was hard for Remus to remember that while he considered Harry family, Harry only saw him as a teacher, or maybe now as an old family friend from the remote past.

"Why?" Harry was asking desperately. "The Ministry of Magic don't think you were helping Sirius, do they?"

Remus quickly went to close the door. Sirius's innocence was not common knowledge and was unlikely to be believed even by those who had heard the story. While it was alright for Harry to go about protesting Sirius's innocence, it would be that much worse in the eyes of the world for Remus to be not only a werewolf but the friend of a convicted murderer.

"No," he said once the door was closed. "Professor Dumbledore managed to convince Fudge that I was trying to save your lives." He sighed. "That was the final straw for Severus. I think the loss of the Order of Merlin hit him hard. So he -- er -- accidentally let slip that I am a werewolf this morning at breakfast."

"You're not leaving just because of that!" Harry cried.

Remus smiled and shook his head. Life is so simple for the very young. The good guys always triumph over the bad, despite adversity. They don't really understand things like prejudice. But he's right; that's not the only reason I'm leaving.

"This time tomorrow, the owls will start arriving from parents," he told the boy gently. "They will not want a werewolf teaching their children, Harry. And after last night, I see their point. I could have bitten any of you ... that must never happen again." It was a convenient excuse but a chill ran down his spine at the thought.

"You're the best Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher we've ever had!" Harry said plaintively. "Don't go!"

Remus pressed his lips together and shook his head, trying hard to focus on the task of emptying his desk to dispel the moisture from his eyes. Harry, he wanted to say, you are the son of my two dear friends, and if not for Peter, it would have been me and Sirius raising you. You would have been my son. But he could not.

It's not forever, he told himself. I'll go and find Sirius and we'll get this whole business sorted out. Peter will be found. Sirius's name will be cleared. Harry will come to us. He believed it simply because so many terrible things had already happened. Surely it was time for something to go right for all of them.

At last he managed to force back the tight feeling in his throat far enough to break the silence. "From what the Headmaster told me this morning, you saved a lot of lives last night, Harry. If I'm proud of anything, it's how much you've learned." If there's one thing Harry needs, it's for people to be proud of him. He cleared his throat. "Tell me about your Patronus."

He realised it was a slip as soon as he had said it. It was Sirius who had mentioned the Patronus, and Sirius was meant to have been over the hills and far away by the time Remus came around this morning.

Harry gave him a sharp look. "How d'you know about that?" he asked.

Remus recovered quickly. "What else could have driven the Dementors back?"

Harry's explanation of events was unexpected, to say the least. Sirius never mentioned time travel! But then, maybe he didn't know. I'll have to tell him that bit later. It seemed that not only had Harry saved Sirius twice over, and the Hippogriff as well, but he had also driven back a hundred or more Dementors, thereby saving his own life in addition to Ron's, Hermione's and Snape's.

He heard the catch in the boy's voice as he spoke of his Patronus and his sudden realisation about the source of his father's nickname from his school days.

Remus was gratified to see Harry so moved by the presence of the stag. He's growing up, he thought. He's starting to realise that these things mean something. "Yes," he said. "Your father was always a stag when he transformed. You guessed right ... that's why we called him Prongs."

He removed the last few books from his desk and added them to his case before turning back to Harry. "Here," he said, handing Harry the Invisibility Cloak. "I brought this from the Shrieking Shack last night."

He had actually stopped to pick it up that morning. It had been spotted with dew from lying in the grass all night where it had fallen when Remus transformed. He had also retrieved the tiny wooden dog and the lock of hair from the pocket of his ruined robes.

"And ..." he paused, as if unsure how to say what he wanted to say. At last he merely held out the Marauder's Map to Harry. "I am no longer your teacher," he said with a smile, "so I don't feel guilty about giving you this back as well." He caressed the aged parchment gently before handing it over. "It's no use to me, and I daresay you, Ron and Hermione will find uses for it."

Harry grinned down at the map with undisguised delight. "You told me Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs would have wanted to lure me out of school ..." he said with a slightly puzzled look. "You said they'd have thought it was funny."

"And so we would have done," said Remus, closing his case. "I have no hesitation in saying that James would have been highly disappointed if his son had never found any of the secret passages out of the castle." He is very much his father's son.

A knock came at the door and Harry shoved the map and cloak inside his robes, but it was only Dumbledore.

He smiled at Harry before saying, "your carriage is at the gates, Remus."

"Thank you, Headmaster," he said, glancing once more at the boy who was still staring somewhat guiltily at the aging professor. He picked up his suitcase and Grindylow tank.

"Well -- goodbye, Harry." He smiled affectionately at the boy. "It has been a real pleasure teaching you," he added sincerely. "I feel sure we'll meet again sometime." He transferred his gaze to a very amused Professor Dumbledore. "Headmaster, there is no need to see me to the gates; I can manage ..."

"Goodbye, then, Remus," Dumbledore said as Remus adjusted his luggage so that he could shake hands with the man who had shielded not only himself from the Ministry, but Sirius as well.

We are fortunate to have such a great friend, he thought gratefully.

With a last smile and nod to Harry he was away, hurrying through the school. As he emerged into the mid-afternoon June sunlight, he felt light as the air. The whole world seemed brighter and more colourful than it had the previous day.

As Remus pulled the carriage door closed behind him, he heaved a huge sigh of contentment. Sirius was out there somewhere waiting for him. And with him waited a whole new life, shining with possibilities.