Survivor's Guilt: Moony's Tale

Everyone in the room nearly jumped out of their shoes. Hermione screamed. For several seconds chaos reigned in the Shrieking Shack. The expression on Snape's face did not change at all. He kept his wand carefully trained on Remus's chest. He wouldn't. Not in front of the children, surely? But he knew that vindictiveness ran deep with Snape and that a chance to rid himself someone he despised in the name of defence was not something he was likely to pass up.

"I found this at the base of the Whomping Willow," he said when all was reasonably quiet again and he had their full attention. He tossed James's old Invisibility Cloak aside like so much dirty laundry. "Very useful, Potter, I thank you ..."

Harry, how could you be so dumb? thought Remus. Leaving it lying about for anyone to come along and take .... He was fairly sure that James would never have been so careless but he would not have wanted to lay money on it.

"You're wondering, perhaps, how I knew you were here?" Snape looked exceedingly smug. "I've just been to your office, Lupin ..."

The map! Remus realised. Arse! Harry's not the only one to do something stupid tonight. I should have brought it with me. I could have used it to prove that rat is Peter. "Severus --"

"I've told the Headmaster again and again that you've been helping your old friend Black into the castle, Lupin, and here's the proof." The corner of his mouth twitched as he said the word "friend".

If he outs us to the kids .... He flashed Snape a warning look. It's our job to tell them when the time is right. But Harry and his friends did not seem to notice the subtle slur.

"Not even I dreamed you would have the nerve to use this old place as your hideout," Snape continued.

"Severus, you're making a mistake," Remus interrupted him, the euphoria of Sirius's innocence making him reckless in the face of danger. However, it occurred to him that Snape might do something to hurt Sirius. The truth had to be told, and quickly. Until it was, Remus had to keep Snape's attention on himself. "You haven't heard everything -- I can explain -- Sirius is not here to kill Harry --"

But Snape was not listening to a word he said. "Two more for Azkaban tonight," he declared almost gleefully, and Remus got the feeling that if he had not been holding his wand Snape would have been rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "I shall be interested to see how Dumbledore takes this ... he was quite convinced you were harmless, you know, Lupin ... a tame werewolf ..."

This was too much for Remus to bear. He could understand Snape's feelings about himself and Sirius, but to wish ill on Albus Dumbledore, the man to whom Snape owed his job, his good name, his freedom and possibly his life as much as did Remus himself, was beyond the pale.

"You fool," Remus hissed, all pleading and reasoning leaving his voice. "Is a schoolboy grudge worth putting an innocent man back inside Azkaban?" He was remarkably unconcerned about his own fate.

But Snape was apparently done talking. With a bang, binding cords shot from the end of his wand and twined themselves around Remus's body, gagging him and rendering him instantly immobile. He fell to the floor, barely able to breathe. In the blinking of an eye, Sirius leapt toward Remus's attacker with a vicious growl which the canine part of Remus's mind translated as, "how dare you touch my mate?!" It was wonderful to see Sirius leap to his defence like that.

Snape got his wand up just in time, and Sirius stopped dead, starring cross-eyed at the point of the wand just beyond the tip of his nose. Remus saw Snape's mouth move, but the binding cords were even twining around his ears, ever tightening, and the pain of the constricting bonds made it difficult to concentrate on anything trying to breathe. All he could do was watch the scene unfold before him.

Sirius was flashing Snape the infamous Black look. Poor Sirius, thought Remus, he hates feeling helpless. I bet Severus can sense that. He never could resist toying with any of us when he got the chance.

Harry and Ron stood just as frozen as Sirius with confused expressions on their faces. This could be to our advantage, he realised. They hate Severus. Now they have to decide whether they're going to side with him or us. He saw Hermione step toward the Potions master, her hands out in a gesture of supplication. She was obviously trying to reason with him, but by the look on his face he was having none of it. Good girl, Hermione! he thought at her. If she was saying something Snape disliked that much, she must finally be coming around to Sirius's version of events.

Snape's face had gone from pale to livid white. He looked like he was shouting. Sparks shot from the end of his wand into Sirius's face. Instinctively, Remus tried to struggle to his feet to come to Sirius's aide, but even the slightest movement caused the cords to cut into his body and cut off his meagre air supply. Snape was speaking to Sirius now. Sirius looked resolute, then Snape said something with a nasty smile that made his eyes go wide and his face go blank with shock. He kept talking though a look of terror was dawning in his eyes.

Always the brave one, my Padfoot, thought Remus. Just get me out of this and I'll take care of that greasy git for you.

Snape jerked his head towards the door, looking at the children now. He snapped his fingers and the ends of the cords binding Remus's body were in his hands. He tugged at them and Remus gasped. Or tried to. He could not breathe. He was suffocating. Harry was standing between Snape and the door, wand in hand. There was some kind of confrontation happening. Dimly, he saw all three young wizards raise their wands. As his vision went black around the edges, Snape dropped the bonds he held, flew back against the wall and lay still on the floor.

He had to breathe -- had to get air soon -- or he would die. He fought his bonds ignoring the pain, knowing he could never free himself on his own. And then Sirius was there, kneeling beside him, tearing the black cords away from his body, and he could breathe again. He gulped in precious oxygen and sat up, giving Sirius a look of gratitude.

Rubbing his tender arms, he thanked Harry. He knew it must have taken courage for the boy to stand up to a teacher who obviously despised him.

"I'm still not saying I believe you," Harry replied, but there was less conviction in his voice now. Remus sighed with relief and winced as his lungs pressed against his aching ribs.

"Then it's time we offered you some proof," said Sirius. He gave Remus's shoulder a squeeze before turning back to the children. "You, boy -- give me Peter. Now."

Ron still looked undecided -- unready to relinquish his pet to someone he considered supremely untrustworthy. "Come off it," he tried to reason. "Are you trying to say you broke out of Azkaban just to get your hands on Scabbers? I mean ... OK, say Pettigrew could turn into a rat -- there are millions of rats -- how's he supposed to know which one he's after if he was locked up in Azkaban?"

The boy's got a point, Remus realised. Peter did his best to make himself hard to find, and Sirius did it from in there? "You know, Sirius, that's a fair question. How did you find out where he was?"

Sirius met his eyes. The corner of his mouth twitched. You're going to love this, his expression said. From the folds of his filthy robes, he drew out ... a newspaper clipping; a photo from the Daily Prophet of the Weasley family. And there was Peter, plain as day, sitting on Ron's shoulder.

Remus's jaw dropped. "How did you get this?"

Sirius's expression was almost smug. Cornelius Fudge had apparently visited Azkaban the previous summer and by chance, Sirius had got a newspaper from the Minister. Sirius had seen the picture and realised that with Peter at Hogwarts, Harry would be in danger.

Remus shook his head in disbelief. "My God." He looked at the picture, then at the rat, then the picture again. There it was; the truth staring him right in the face. "His front paw ..."

"What about it?" Ron's tone was defensive.

"He's got a toe missing," said Sirius. Definitely smug.

"Of course." The pieces were all falling into place in Remus's mind. He had to admit a grudging admiration for Peter's daring plan. "So simple ... so brilliant ... He cut it off himself?"

Sirius nodded. "Just before he transformed." Their eyes met. I should have seen, Remus berated himself. I was too busy looking at Sirius. As always. The corner of his own mouth twitched as Sirius continued, telling them all what Remus now knew himself to have witnessed: Peter's crime, not Sirius's. Peter's cowardly descent into the sewers of London. Sirius being left to take the blame. An explanation that finally made sense.

"Didn't you ever hear, Ron?" he turned to the only one of the trio who had been raised in the wizarding world -- the one who would have heard this story repeated from his cradle -- the one whose father would have been there in the marketplace on that awful day, and who had taken home with him a pet for his son. "The biggest bit of Peter they found was his finger." There are three Unforgivable curses, and not one of them will obliterate a man like that.

Harry and Hermione were by now staring at "Scabbers" with looks of dawning comprehension and horror, but Ron was still in denial. "Look, Scabbers probably had a fight with another rat or something! He's been in my family for ages, right --"

"Twelve years, in fact." Remus quirked an eyebrow at the redheaded boy. "Didn't you ever wonder why he was living so long?"

"We -- we've been taking good care of him!" But a note of doubt was beginning to creep into Ron's voice.

"Not looking too good at the moment, though, is he?" Remus pressed. "I'd guess he's been losing weight ever since he heard Sirius was on the loose again ..."

"He's been scared of that mad cat!" Ron glanced at the entirely sane-looking ginger cat purring on the bed.

"This cat isn't mad," Sirius reached out a hand to pat the ugly beast fondly. Crookshanks, Sirius told them, had in fact been Sirius's eyes and ears inside the castle this year. A shame Severus isn't awake to hear all this, Remus thought with a glance toward the unconscious figure in the corner. The cat had apparently aided Sirius not only in hunting down Peter, but in supplying Sirius with Neville's missing list of passwords. But then Peter had vanished, faking his own death yet again and this time pinning the blame on Hermione's pet.

"And why did he fake his death?" Harry interrupted sharply. "Because he knew you were about to kill him like you killed my parents!"

"No. Harry --" Remus put out a hand towards the boy, but Harry ignored him.

"And now you've come to finish him off!"

"Yes, I have." Sirius was looking not at Harry but at the rat again, with murderous intent in his eyes.

"Then I should have let Snape take you!" Harry declared.

Remus tried to reason with him. "Harry, don't you see? All this time, we've thought Sirius betrayed your parents, and Peter tracked him down -- but it was the other way around, don't you see? Peter betrayed your mother and father -- Sirius tracked Peter down --"

But Harry -- who had seemed so close to believing only moments before -- who had attacked one of his own teachers in order to hear this story -- was clearly beyond reason.

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" yelled Harry. "HE WAS THEIR SECRET-KEEPER! HE SAID SO BEFORE YOU TURNED UP, HE SAID HE KILLED THEM!"

Remus looked to Sirius who had sunk down on the bed once again, staring into his hands with tear-filled eyes as he shook his head remorsefully. "Harry ... I as good as killed them." The guilt hung on him thick as cobwebs as he told them about talking Harry's parents into switching Secret-Keepers at the last moment so that no one knew -- providing Peter with just the opportunity he had needed to get away with his betrayal cleanly.

His voice broke as he talked of seeing their friends' bodies and the discovery of betrayal, and Remus remembered his own feelings on that night, seeing those still forms, pursuing answers through the skies and the streets of Muggle London. Only he had had Dumbledore to comfort him at the end of that terrible night, and Sirius had had only the Dementors.

They had both lost everything that night. Friends murdered, betrayal by a lover and by a friend. He never betrayed me, but I betrayed him, thought Remus remorsefully. I didn't go to see him. I didn't try to find out why. In one stroke, Peter broke the circle of our friendship and threw away our love. And I let him.

Sirius's voice echoed the guilt Remus himself was feeling. He felt responsibility for Lily and James's deaths as Remus felt responsibility for the murder of their love. It's not our fault, though. Remus looked at "Scabbers" again. Why should we suffer any longer for what he's done? Let him reap what he's sown.

"Enough of this." Remus's slow temper had reached its boiling point. It was time to deal with the true culprit. His voice held none of his usual gentle tone as he said, "There's one certain way to prove what really happened. Ron, give me that rat."

Remus's voice brooked no opposition, yet still Ron hesitated. "What are you going to do with him if I give him to you?"

"Force him to show himself." Remus gritted his teeth, making himself stay rational, forcing down the beast within, howling for blood vengeance. "If he really is a rat, it won't hurt him."

At long last, the redheaded boy held out his pet to the man he had trusted all year to teach him to defend himself. Remus smelled blood and animal fear and Sirius. He looked up at the other man, holding the terrified rat out to him. "Ready, Sirius?" he asked, softly.

Sirius was clutching Snape's wand clumsily as if he had forgotten how to hold one, but he pointed it determinedly at the rat, taking a step closer, eyes intent. "Together?" he whispered hopefully, gray eyes into gold.

Are we? Remus wondered briefly. We pledged "forever" once. I guess the term of that agreement isn't up yet. "I think so." The corner of his mouth twitched slightly. There is so much that needs to be said.

He turned his eyes reluctantly from those beautiful, gray pools to fix them once more upon the bedraggled rat. This is for Sirius. This is for twelve years of his life wasted in Azkaban. This is for twelve years of my life spent mourning you and hating myself for not hating him. "On the count of three," he nodded. "One -- two -- THREE!"

The blue-white light of the Reveal spell hit the rat from both directions at once, pinning him briefly in the air before letting him drop to the floor. A second flash enveloped the squirming creature and he began to grow, sprouting limbs and shooting upwards, grotesque shapes resolving themselves into a human form for the first time in a dozen years.