Survivor's Guilt: Moony's Tale

Remus wandered the deserted corridors of Hogwarts. No students were allowed to walk the halls unescorted or without good reason since the incident with the portrait. It made the castle seem a quiet and lonely place. He walked up one corridor and down the next, not really going anywhere, but looking vaguely around as he allowed his mind and feet to wander.

He thought he understood now how Sirius had managed to get past the Dementors twice when no one else had ever managed it. It must have something to do with his being an Animagus. If so, he knew he should inform Dumbledore of Sirius's abilities. But he could not. They had sworn, the four of them, never to tell. They had sworn in blood and magic -- as close as he had ever been to performing Dark Arts himself -- and they had all taken that oath very seriously. If any one of them ever betrayed that secret to bring harm upon one of his fellows ... Remus did not want to think about what might happen. Besides, such a confession would mean admitting to betraying Dumbledore's trust all those years ago, and that he could not do either.

He had been walking the halls aimlessly for nearly an hour before he realised what he was doing. He was hunting. He was looking for Sirius.

He knew that the castle had been thoroughly searched the previous night, and that no sign of the man had been found. If they had only come to my rooms, he thought, what might they have seen? He did not want to think about it. But Dumbledore had likely covered for him. He was doing an excellent job of protecting Remus's secret, and it would not have done for anyone to walk in last night and discover him like that.

And who knew how long Sirius had stayed? He had only seen him for a few seconds. He might have left right after Remus transformed, or he might have stayed the whole night. He knew he could hide there, Remus thought savagely. He knew it was the full moon, and that I could do nothing, and that it was the one place in the castle no one else would come to. The man he had known would never have taken advantage of his weakness like that. But then, the man he had known would never have slashed a portrait to ribbons in an attempt to kill a child. The man he had known would not have murdered a street full of people in cold blood.

He suddenly realised there were other places that no one would have known to search: the secret passages beneath the castle and the grounds. He was certain that, in his days as a student, the Marauders had been the only ones to know about some of those passages, and they had kept them a closely-guarded secret. Dumbledore knew about the one beneath the Whomping Willow of course, since it was he who had originally come up with the ingenious solution to Remus's problem.

But what about the one that opened behind the statue of the one-eyed witch? If any professor had known about that one, the entrance would be guarded. He turned his footsteps down a side passage, through a low doorway and into a room filled with rusty suits of troll armour, ducking behind a tapestry and up a rickety flight of steps. It amazed him how well he still knew his way around the castle. At last he found the corridor he had been looking for.

No, no guards were posted around the innocent-looking statue -- well, as innocent as any of the Hogwarts statues ever looked. He peered up and down the corridor, listening for footsteps. When he was certain no one was coming, he stepped up behind the statue, tapped it with his wand and whispered, "dissendium." The entrance through the witch's hump swung open and Remus quickly ducked into the cold, dank, dark passageway.

"Lumos," he murmured, causing his wand to cast a faint glow upon his surroundings. Looking around, he paused, unsure how to proceed. He supposed he should search the passage from end to end, but he was already fairly certain that even if Sirius had been in the passageway, he would not have had any reason to hang about there. What could find out was if Sirius had been there at all.

He would have to take advantage of the keen eyesight, hearing and sense of smell that were available to him in his wolfish form, which would mean giving up a certain measure of his usually ironclad control. He almost never reached for his wolf senses, preferring to suppress anything wolfish during the times of month when it was possible for him to do so. This time, he called on the wolf. He willed his eyes stronger, his ears long and pointed, he twitched his nose.

Gradually, his perception of the space around him changed. He could hear insects scuttling up the walls, and mice or rats scurrying and gnawing somewhere further down the passageway. The light seemed to grow stronger. But it was the smell filling his nostrils that told him the most. Beneath the smells of damp and dirt and mildew, there was a strong animal scent, and it was the one he had known it would be. Remus growled deep in his throat.

He had almost dared to hope there would be no sign of Sirius in the air but ghost-scent. After all, this had been a favourite trysting place for the two of them, and there had been many a time when it would not have taken a wolf's nose to know they had been there. He thought he caught a faint whiff of those long past interludes, but the animal scent hanging heavy in the air was recent and unmistakable. Sirius had been here, and no more than a few hours ago.

For several moments Remus simply closed his eyes and breathed the scent, almost as affecting for him now as it had been this morning on his bed. But the cold of the place dulled it enough that he was not undone by it. His breathing turned to shuddering gasps -- the ghosts and memories of sobs but no more, and he brought his emotions back under control quickly.

Remus now knew all he needed to know, but still he crouched low to the ground, searching the damp earth. He found them almost immediately: paw prints circling, pacing and finally leading off down the long, dark passageway.

He took a few steps to follow but suddenly his courage deserted him. What would he do if he did, in fact, encounter Sirius there in the darkness? The knowledge of what he would have to do and the fear of what he might do were too much for him, and he turned his face and heavy footsteps back up into the light.