Everything You Are

Chapter Thirteen:

Severus wrapped a protective arm around her and she placed her hand on his chest, feeling his gentle heartbeat. "After Dumbledore... after they went after me the last time, I... I'm pretty sure I killed someone. I think I killed the man that... the one that... the one that did what they wanted you to do." She swallowed hard.

"You mean he actually did it? Someone hurt you like that? Oh Sirena..." he said softly, kissing her head again, feeling an unpleasant turning in the pit of his stomach at the thought. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," she sniffed. "You're gonna make me cry... don't. Just let me finish," she said, tensing up for a moment, her voice a bit hoarse. "What I THINK happened was that Dumbledore wasn't about to let me get away with killing one of his best slayers and he cast cruciatus on me." Severus sucked in his breath and Sirena closed her eyes, burying her face in his chest. "Well... before he did that, I remember him arguing with someone else who was there and he said to put a memory charm on me so that I wouldn't remember who did it and wouldn't suspect anyone. He cast that spell not a second after Dumbledore cursed me. I think then another man- probably my father- started arguing too. I heard 'obliviate' from two voices and 'Avada Kedavra' from a third. I guess they shouldn't have been mixed and... well..." she swallowed hard. "That's what I've been able to reason from dreams I've had. It started resurfacing not too long ago."

"That must be a lot to deal with all on your own," he remarked quietly.

"It wouldn't have bothered me so much if I could find a way to deal with it, I guess, but I just..." she sighed. "I mean, I have no room to complain. I made myself into this... this monster who doesn't feel or care and I'm not backing out now."

"Do you regret it?"

There was a long pause and Severus felt a few hot tears come from her eyes through his robes. "Are you leaving Hogwarts to start a practice or are you the new in-school therapist, Severus?" she retorted, attempting to hide the fact that she was crying.

"Neither, of course. Do you really think I'd want to talk to any other student but you?" he said warmly. "Come on... it's ok. Let it out."

"No," she said stubbornly. "I wanted this and I got what I wanted. I don't have any regrets. I'm just being a baby." She turned her head slightly to the side and sniffed again, her eyes red and puffy.

Severus brushed one of her tears away with his thumb. "What do you regret about it?"

"Nothing," she said, continuing to be stubborn with him.

He sighed. "Alright, then, what do you like about it?"

She reached around and played with his hair again, her fingers dancing over his neck. "I like knowing that I have control over some things and that I'm powerful... possible the MOST powerful. I like knowing that there are people who will tremble at the mention of my name. I like knowing that I can defend myself if I have to, but that I have people to fight for me. I like being able to apparate wherever I want. I like revenge. I like changing what Voldemort was doing wrong. I like the excuse to talk to you outside of our student-teacher relationship... I like a lot about it," she said, defensive for a moment.

"I understand that... but I know some things bother you about what you're doing. I can see it."

She looked up at him, almost sheepish. "Am I that obvious? Do I really come off that soft?"

He shook his head quickly. "Oh no... ESPECIALLY not at meetings... I mean, you can be colder and almost more frightening that Voldemort at times, but right now," he said, watching his words, "I almost feel like you're a different person. It's like you change everything you are for every different environment. Considering your age and everything you deal with, that's no small feat, Sirena."

"I don't change everything," she said. "With you I feel very safe and I almost feel it's ok to be softer. When I'm alone, if I'm not crying, moping, plotting, or being generally melodramatic, I'm often irritable, which isn't much different from the hard old bitch that I am with the Death Eaters. Then when I'm with dad, the prat, I talk as little as possible because I don't want to start anything."

"Quite a formula..." he said, with a small laugh.

"Well, what about you, then?"

"What about me?"

"You're NOT going to tell me this is the same as how you are in class."

"No," he agreed, "I'm not. I suppose I do much of the same thing, but you have to understand that I wouldn't be doing it like that if I was still 15."

"I think I do a lot of things that you, or any other sane person, wouldn't have done at 15," she said, kissing his neck softly, where robes met skin.

"Mmm... some of which can't be good for you, you know. As much as I can't stand him, I have to wonder what your father thinks. If I was him..."

"...I wouldn't be on your lap practically begging to be kissed, for one thing," she interrupted, a cheeky smile staring to creep onto her face her cheeks and eyes finally back to their normal color and the tearstains fading away.

"Ahhh, so this is practically begging, is it?" he asked, smirking back at her.

"This is about as close to begging as I'll go. Ever," she said.

One hand moved to her hips again and his lips moved dangerously close to hers. "So, if I were to stay like this, you wouldn't beg any more?"

"Nope."

"No?" he breathed, running a finger over her lower lip.

"No."

"You're sure?" he purred, moving his finger from her lips to a trail moving up and down her spine.

"I don't beg," she said firmly.

"Not yet, anyway..." he said, before pressing his lips to hers.

She smiled as he pulled away. "Of course not, when I get what I want without it."

"We'll see how long that lasts, Ms. Lupin," he said playfully. "For now, we have to get out of this office before someone starts suspecting us of doing precisely what we are."

"I suppose..." she sighed, clambering off of his lap. Both stood and dusted themselves off. She turned to look at him and giggled.

"What? What is it?"

"Your hair..." she snickered. "I think I might have... oh my god... it's all..." she giggled madly. Severus turned to look in a mirror on the wall to the side of his desk and shook his head, trying to keep from laughing, himself. He ran his hands though it a couple of times and sighed.

"You're really something, Sirena... messing up my hair... that's some NERVE."

She came up behind him near the mirror, leaning up on his shoulder to see herself and nearly started laughing again. "Well, you've got DOUBLE nerve for making me mess up my eyeliner."

He spun to face her and ran his thumbs under her eyes, getting rid of the 'raccoon effect,' for the most part. "Beautiful..." he murmured, kissing her forehead again.

"Do you really think so?" she asked timidly.

"Yes, I most certainly do."

"Good," she said, "because I think you're beautiful, too."

"Really?"

"Of course." She smiled up at him and sighed as they walked to the door. "I suppose I'll walk one way and you'll go the other?"

He looked at his watch. "It is lunchtime. We could just go down there."

"Lunch? Already?" she said, almost bewildered. "And to think I was going to go curl up in bed again... is it really that late?"

"Apparently so..."

Sirena sat down in her usual spot across from Draco. "Where were YOU all that time? Don't tell me Snape had THAT much to say," he said.

She shot him a sharp look. "We had other business to attend to, Draco." She smiled inwardly. 'No one need know exactly what TYPE of other business.'

"Ahhh... I see. Anything I should know?"

"No," she said plainly, picking at her lunch.

"Aw, come on. Why're you leaving me out?"

"Because it's really none of your business," she said tersely. "Some things are personal."

Draco's eyes widened and he snickered a bit. "You didn't..."

"Didn't what?"

"Snog him. Or did you?" Mischief twinkled in his eyes

"Draco!" she slapped him around the back of his head.

"I was only joking!"

"Sod off!" she said, leaving the table and going to her dorm.

"Well, what crawled down HER knickers today?"

Sirena curled up in bed once she reached the dorm, almost instantly falling asleep.

"What in the name of Merlin is she doing? Jesus, just throw her off! It's just a little girl!"

"I don't think he can. Something's wrong with him."

"What the... I don't believe it..."

"What?"

"She's feeding on him! Someone stop her!"

"It's too late. Look... she'll have drained him by now."

She shoved the man off of her as hard as she could and licked the blood from her lips before she felt it hit.

"CRUCIO!"