The Portrait Chronicles

You know, people never look at the pictures on the wall. The students walk up and down the halls of Hogwarts day in and day out, but they never notice the paintings. It's almost as though they're invisible. But the paintings have a society all their own. They visit each other, spy on the students, and, if they're really lucky, get Filch to paint them some butterbeer.

I am one of those paintings. I am the portrait of a girl called Mairwen. I suppose that I'm lucky. There are many portraits of unattractive people, but Mairwen was beautiful. I was painted when Mairwen was fifteen, but I am ageless. I have wandered these halls ever since I can remember.

As I said before, no one notices the paintings. But we know everything that goes on in this school. We know who's getting bad grades, who's having a row with their parents, and who's sneaking off to Hagrid's hut after curfew. We also know who's dating whom, who's in love with whom, and who's hopelessly mooning over people they will never get a chance with.

Occasionally, we step into the soap opera that is Hogwarts. You might even say we meddle. I remember one time when I started a relationship between two seventh year Gryffindors. I'll tell you the story, if you have the time to listen.

You do? Well, in that case, here it goes:

I was sitting in Sir Cadogan's portrait. Sir Cadogan was nattering on about a magnificent quest he had lead the Marauders on in their third year. The poor fellow means well, but he's a bit off. And by a bit off, I mean completely stark raving mad. But I digress.

As I was teasing Sir Cadogan about his inability to mount his horse, a redheaded girl who looked very familiar walked by, muttering under her breath. I caught a few words, and they went something like this: "Potter...thinks he's...what an..."

Ah! Now I remembered who this girl was. Lily Evans, seventh year Gryffindor and Head Girl. What had James done to upset her this time?

Lily Evans and James Potter were so cute. They [thought they] hated each other with a passion, but all the portraits knew better. We knew they'd eventually get together. Sir Cadogan and I even had a bet going on when they'd get together. My bet was on sometime before Christmas Day. If I won, Sir Cadogan had to give me his box of Fizzing Whizbees. If I lost, he got the bottle of Odgen's Old Firewhiskey I had been hoarding since forever. But Christmas was only one month away, and I was about to lose the bottle of firewhiskey that Filch had so kindly painted for me. We have a sort of agreement with Filch. We don't spread it around that he's a Squib, but only if he agrees to occasionally paint us something good to eat (or drink). As portraits, we don't really need food, but we love it all the same. Deciding that I had to take action protect my investment, I got up and followed Lily.

She proceeded to the library and settled herself into a corner. I observed her from a painting of two old ladies drinking tea. They might have made a couple of snarky comments about impolite young girls, but I wasn't listening. They got up in a huff and left, which suited me just fine. I sat down in a now-vacated chair, and continued to watch Lily.

To my surprise, she burst into tears. Not knowing quite what to do, I called out to her.

"Lily!" I exclaimed, and she looked up, obviously confused.

"Who said that?" she said, looking anxious. Her eyes perused the area, but she didn't see anyone. I'm used to that. No one looks at the paintings.

"It's me," I informed her. "Up here." She glanced up at me, and I waved cheekily.

"Why are you crying, Lily?" I asked kindly.

"It's that stupid James Potter!" she spat out, all tears forgotten in her anger. "He hexed Snape again. I can't stand it when he does that! I told him not to, but he just told me to go read a book, and keep my nose out of his business."

Needless to say, I was startled. James would never say anything like that to Lily. After all, he was head over heels in love with the girl.

"Why do you care?" I inquired. "Snape's a bit of a git (and that's putting it mildly), he needs a good hexing now and then."

I thought it was quite a reasonable suggestion. Apparently, the Head Girl disagreed.

"What?" she asked, looking at me indignantly. "No one deserves that! Not even bigoted, greasy-haired Snape! James is Head Boy - he shouldn't be hexing anyone! And he insulted me!"

Ah. Now we were getting to the crux of the matter. Anxious to keep her mind firmly fixed on James, I posed another question.

"Why do you care if he insults you?" I asked, fighting to make it seem like this was a question of no importance. "You hate him, there's no reason to mind if your enemies insult you."

She looked at me intently for a moment. I squirmed under her gaze, sure she was on to my scheme. But her next words almost caused me to leap with joy.

"If I told you a secret," she said, "would you promise not to tell anyone?"

The fateful words. Variations of that sentence have started all manner of interesting conversations. The good thing about being a portrait is that no one ever suspects your intentions. They think you're just a painting. If you're lucky enough (and I often am), they'll unburden their darkest secrets to you. They're desperate to tell someone, anyone, their problems, dreams, and deepest desires. Most times, I'm just in the right place at the right time.

"Of course I promise," I told her, crossing my fingers behind my back.

She looked as if she were struggling for the words. A moment later, a resolute look came onto her face, and she said the words I had only hoped to hear.

"I think I like James Potter."

Oh joy! Oh rapture! That box of Fizzing Whizbees was mine! Kiss my fine Irish arse, Sir Cadogan!

I couldn't help the smile that came to my lips, and Lily looked at me angrily.

"It's not funny!" she said.

"Of course it's not, dearie," I said to her, hoping to calm her down. "I'm just so happy for you!"

She gave me a strange look, but continued.

"It's just . . . I don't know. He's cute and all. But so is Remus Lupin, and I don't like him. He's really funny. But so is Sirius Black, and I don't like him. He's very smart. But so is Snape, and I definitely don't like him!"

She seemed a bit confused. She looked at me, a strange gleam in her eye. "Why?" she said despairingly. "Why James?"

I grinned. "Raw animal attraction!"

She didn't look at all pleased with my answer. "That's not an answer!" she exclaimed.

I decided she'd had enough teasing. Besides, she was going to run off if I continued in that manner. I arranged my features into what I hoped was a somber, wise look.

"My dear," I said in a solemn voice. "The heart knows what the heart wants."

"Yeah," said Lily dully. "But sometimes the heart wants a chocolate sundae with extra sprinkles, and that doesn't mean that it's good for you."

She had a point there, but I wasn't about to let one good point ruin a perfect match. So I continued, mustering all the sympathy I could into my voice.

"All the other people you mentioned have amazing qualities, but there is only one James. One special something makes him unique. You may not consciously recognize it, but your heart knows that he's the one. Follow your heart, Lily."

She looked at me, with a look so earnest and hoping that I almost repented. But I didn't get a reputation as a superb matchmaker by being truthful. You had to sling a lot of bull when you had my job. And I've never been wrong yet.

"Really?" she said. "James is really The One? Are you sure?"

I smiled benignly at her. "Of course!" I said firmly, "Everyone in the entire school knows it! Why do you think you've never gotten a date? It's because all the boys know James would eviscerate them if they touched you. Why do you think James doesn't date? The girls are afraid to intrude on your territory. You two are the only two people in the school who don't see what's right in front of your faces!"

She looked as if she had been hit by a Firebolt. I could practically see the gears turning in her mind as she digested the information.

I judged it to be the right time to strike the final blow.

"Besides," I said in an offhand voice. "He was just talking to me the other day about you. He says he's liked you since he first laid eyes on you, but apparently you didn't feel the same way. Said if you didn't say something soon, he was going to give up."

It was an outright lie. I know. I should be thoroughly ashamed of myself. But you probably know me well enough to realize that I was not ashamed. Quite the opposite, in fact. I was very proud of myself.

Lily looked alarmed. "He can't do that!" she exclaimed.

"I'm afraid you're going to have to make a move, love," I told her in a serious voice. It didn't help that I was fighting back a triumphant grin all the while.

She got up and rushed out of the library. I knew she wasn't going to go proclaim her love for him. That would be too easy, and not at all in the spirit of a teenage girl. She was going to mull it over in her dorm. She'd be preoccupied for a few days. She'd fail her potions test, transfigure her best friend by accident, and pour pumpkin juice on her cereal at breakfast. Messy business.

Not to mention totally pointless. I needed James and Lily to be an official couple by Christmas Day.

I spent the better part of an hour formulation a devious plan to speed things up.

----------------------

A few days later, I got the perfect opportunity to put my plan into action.

I had been sitting in the Fat Lady's portrait for the past few days. She was fun to chat with, and I had a perfect view of everyone entering and leaving Gryffindor Tower.

I was talking to her a few days after the "Library Incident," when who but James Potter and the Marauders dashed out of the portrait hole.

I got up and followed them, curious as to where they were going. They turned into a short passage, at the end of a dead end corridor. At the far end of the passage was a small room. I could tell the Marauders used it often, as it had books, parchments and Exploding Snap cards scattered at random.

"What are we going to do about Lily?" James asked, his voice full of distress.

"What about Lily?" Sirius replied, looking supremely unconcerned.

"Sirius," said Remus warningly. "Don't provoke Prongs. His girl is acting all weird, and he's feeling a bit overprotective."

An astute observation by Remus Lupin. He's a wonderful boy.

"So?" Sirius said. I wanted to smack the lout over the head, but I was stuck in a painting of hippogriffs playing poker. Remus smacked Sirius over the head.

I was liking that boy more and more every minute.

"What?" Sirius whined, holding the side of his head. "James doesn't need her anyways. He's a Marauder! He's going to run off and snog Lily instead of throwing dungbombs with us!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Padfoot," he said, "you need to get yourself a girl, mate."

Have I mentioned how much I absolutely adore old Moony?

Sirius looked mutinous, but refrained from saying anything else. Thankfully.

I got a bit distracted after that, as one of the hippogriffs tried to eat my skirt. I shooed the animals away, then turned back to the boys.

"...and she poured pumpkin juice in her cereal this morning!" James finished, looking troubled.

Can I read girls like a book, or what?

"Well," Remus said thoughtfully, "I suppose she could be having trouble at home."

"Maybe she was attacked by flobberworms, but is too embarrassed to admit it!" Sirius exclaimed. I rolled my eyes, wishing to heaven I could yank that boy's amazing hair out. Remus rolled his eyes and yanked on Sirius's hair.

Remus John Lupin is a god. Seriously.

I cleared my throat. "Excuse me?" I said. The four boys started, then looked around the room. Remus was the first to notice me.

"Hello!" he said. The other three boys looked around at me.

"Who the bloody hell are you?" Sirius asked. I barely had time to wish bad things upon him before Remus punched him in the arm.

I would absolutely be Remus's slave for life if he asked me to.

"I am Mairwen," I told him. Then I turned to James and said, "I also know what's up with Lily."

I had a feeling James would be my slave for life if I asked him to.

"What?" he asked eagerly. "What's going on with her?" His eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Did you do something to her?"

I smiled mischievously, "I suppose you could say that." James looked as if he'd like nothing better than to tear my portrait to pieces.

"I simply helped her out a bit, honestly! Don't get all overprotective on me!" I held up my hands in mock surrender.

"Helped her how, exactly?" Remus asked.

"I told her to move her little arse before James found some other girl to bestow his affections upon. She got all worried and stuff, and rushed out of the library with a very interesting look on her face. That's why she's acting all weird."

James looked stunned. "Are you sure?" he asked. "She got worried? Like in a 'hey I like James' kind of way, or in a 'does everyone think I like James because I don't kind of way?"

I pretended to think about it, because I enjoyed seeing the boy squirm. I'm so wicked sometimes. But after a few seconds he looked so pitiful that I relented.

"Definitely the former," I said. James slumped in his chair, obviously relieved. He sat like that for a minute, not moving, barely even breathing. I wanted to go shake him and tell him to go find the girl and be darn quick about it!

Remus got up and shook him, saying "James! You're such an idiot. Go find the girl, before you or she does something stupid! And hurry!"

There are no words in the English language to describe how much I adore Remus.

James got up and left in a hurry. Being the curious girl I am, I followed him. He pulled out a spare bit of parchment and whispered, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!" The parchment did the most amazing thing. It became a map of Hogwarts, with all sorts of tiny moving dots on it, each one labeled with a name. He found Lily's name quickly, so I assumed he had lots of practice at this.

She was in Gryffindor tower, so that's where he went. He found her in the common room, sitting by the fire and staring into space.

"Lily?" he said uncertainly. Damn the boy, I had just told him that she liked him! What did he have to be uncertain about?

"James," she said, "what's up?"

"Nothing, just wandering around. Thought I'd come over and talk to you."

Wandering around? Why didn't he just cut to the chase? C'mon boy, 'I love you and can't live without you, Lily.' That's what he should have said. Stupid boy.

"Listen, James -"

"Umm, Lily -"

"I think I'm in love with you," they blurted out at the same time. I wish you could have seen the look on their faces. It was priceless.

"What?" Lily said incredulously. I had just told her...eurgh, never mind.

"I love you, Lily," James said simply.

"I love you too, James," she told him.

As they leaned in to kiss, I decided that my time there was up. I left them, and ran back to the room that the rest of the Marauders were in.

"How'd it go?" Sirius asked.

I smiled at him. "I wouldn't go back to the common room if I were you."

"Why not?" Peter asked, looking confused. I wanted to smack the boy. I looked hopefully at Remus, but he didn't move to hit the little rat. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

Remus did roll his eyes, though. He said "Peter, you idiot, they're snogging."

Maybe I still loved him a little.

-----------------------------------

And they lived happily ever after. Sort of. Can I help it that Voldemort murdered them and tried to kill their son? That's totally out of my control.

Well, I enjoyed your company. It's not every day that someone spends time talking to the pictures. I'm glad you did. I'm just so brilliant that I need someone to hear about it.

Did you like my story? I've played matchmaker to loads of couples. Come back sometime, and I'll tell you about when I set up James and Lily's son.

There's the bell. You better get to potions - Snape will kill you if you're late.

See you later!