Pleading for Death

I was sent to Azkaban for a crime I did not commit. I was as good as guilty because my actions resulted in the deaths of two people. Two people I loved. Two people who were my best friends.

The person who really committed these crimes? Able to live the rest of his life in freedom. He must spend it in fear. But at least he is free. I will be spending the rest of my life here. In this dark, damp cell surrounded by those creatures. The Dementors. Those foul creatures.

And for twelve years already I've sat and waited. Waited to die. Waited to be set free. Waited to lose my mind. Ah, losing your mind. So many people have done it here. You can hear their screams, and babbling. I feel it must be a welcome escape. I have come close to insanity. But always, at the last moment, it has been torn from my grip.

For the last twelve years all I've had is my guilt and my innocence. Two conflicting things. Guilty, because I gave up being the Potters' secret-keeper allowing Peter to do it. Had I not done this...they would still be alive. God....I should have known.

I am left here remembering those horrible times. When we first found out that James and Lily were targets of Voldemort. When we thought that Remus was the spy. We never suspected Peter. He always lingered in the background, a presence barely felt but always there. I remember the night I begged James to switch to Peter. I was afraid. I had already been confirmed as a target. Peter,... well, he was weak. What would Voldemort need from him? He would never suspect Peter to be the secret keeper. Never did we think that he would be the one to betray us. All along we thought that Remus was the one.

Remus...I should never have doubted him. It was just the fact that he was a werewolf. James trusted him all along, it was I who in the end changed his mind. I convinced him that Remus was untrustworthy. My friend...how much he has suffered in such a short period of time. Losing his best friends: James and Lily dead; Peter, suspected dead by all but me. And I, a convicted murderer -- not guilty, but not totally innocent either.

One who has never been to Azkaban would think that the Dementors are the worst of it. They feed on your happiness and leave you only with despair. Yes, they can contribute to your descent into insanity. Lock a man up and leave him with only himself for company, and the result is a raving maniac. For most. But not for me.

We should have suspected Peter. He was always following around those who were better than him. Trying to catch some of the talent and popularity which he lacked. No one suspected Peter. Oh, how foolish we all were. But I most of all. For it was I who begged James to switch to Peter, to have him be the Potters' secret keeper. That night, when I found out that he had betrayed us...that he was the mole...I lost all sense and reason. I tracked Peter down, cornered him in a street. But before I could kill him, he blasted the Muggles behind himand disappeared into the sewers. They say I'm crazy because when they found me I was laughing. I was laughing at myself. At my stupidity... In a way, I think I will never stop laughing...