Harry Potter and the Attack of the Fanfics

Harry: Well, first we need a cast. Since I’m the good guy in this book, I get to be the good guy in the movie. And...Ron can be Han Solo.

Ron: (who has mysteriously appeared when Harry says his name) Hey Harry, how do you know about Star Wars IV if the second one hasn’t already come out?

Harry: Episode IV came out in the 1970’s, Ron.

Ron: Then why is Episode II--

Harry: Don’t ask, Ron. And...we’ll have Hermione as Princess Leia.

Hermione: I should have expected this.

Harry: Come on, Hermione, I thought you liked Star Wars.

Hermione: You were wrong. Where did you get that idea?

Harry: The Author.

Hermione: You mean J.K. Rowling? She never said anything about Star Wars in any of the books referring to anyone.

Harry: Well, there was that thing Dudley had for blowing up space aliens in book one.

Hermione: That has nothing to do with Star Wars...It could have been Star Trek.

Harry: Okay, okay. Will you be Leia?

Hermione: *sigh* Alright.

Harry: Okay...we need Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Hermione: Dumbledore.

Harry: Fine. Dumbledore.

(A bemused looking Dumbledore appears and sits down in a chair that wasn’t there before. He says nothing and soon falls asleep. He won’t be doing anything for a while.)

Ron: Now we need Stormtroopers.

Hermione: Death Eaters.

Ron: They wear black. Stormtroopers wear white.

Hermione: So? They’ll change for whatever it is we’re doing. Harry, make them come.

Harry: I hereby cast the Death Eaters as Imperial Stormtroopers.

(The Death Eaters appear)

DE 1: Are you going to need us for a while?

Harry: No.

DE 2: All right boys, it’s poker time!

(The Death Eaters go off to a corner of the Place where everyone is and play poker for a while.)

Hermione: Now we need Darth Vader.

Ron: Voldemort.

Harry: What happened to you freaking out at Voldemort’s name?

Ron: Don’t say it!

Hermione: *giving Ron a strange look* Well, that wouldn’t work anyway because Darth Vader turns out in Return of the Jedi to not be the greatest force of evil. As far as we know, You-Know-Who is the force of ultimate evil in our world.

Harry: Good point. We’ll come back to him.

Lucius: Is there any chance of some lemonade over here?

Harry: Well, if I can make people come I guess I can make drinks.

Lucius: Good. We’ll take thirty-three glasses of pink lemonade with black umbrellas.

Harry: (makes the glasses) I always pictured Death Eaters as drinking hard liquor.

Ron: You learn something new every day.

Hermione: Now we cast Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.

Harry: The Dursleys.

(Vernon and Petunia appear in the Place.)

Harry (to the DE’s): Can you stop playing poker for a while?

DE 3: What now, Potter?

Harry: Would you mind entertaining my aunt and uncle for a while?

DE 4: No, not at all.

Harry: Well, that takes care of them. Now we cast...Chewbacca!

Hermione: We need someone big, hairy, and hard to understand.

Ron: Duh, Hagrid.

Harry: We want Hagrid!

(Hagrid appears and falls asleep next to Dumbledore)

Ron: We’ve got everyone except Darth Vader.

Hermione: We don’t have C-3PO.

Harry: Percy.

Percy: I was very busy, you know!

Harry: Tell it to the lawyers. Go play poker.

Hermione: That was quick.

Harry: I thought the 3PO-Percy link was pretty easy to make. They’re both tall, annoying, and like people who speak a lot of languages.

Ron: You’ve been ignoring me. We need a Vader.

Harry: Lucius Malfoy. (Looks around)

Hermione: He’s already there with the Death Eaters.

Harry: Oh, okay.

Hermione: And I don’t think you should cast him anyway.

Harry: Why?

Hermione: Well, you aren’t his son, are you?

Harry: (revolted) No!

Hermione: Well then you can’t be Luke if he’s Vader.

Harry: Oh, okay. I should be replaced by Draco then.

(Harry disappears and is replaced by Draco)

Draco: I absolutely refuse to do whatever you want me to do.

Hermione: Your dad’s doing it.

Draco: Then I will gladly do whatever you want me to do.

Hermione: You’re going to play Luke Skywalker in a production of Star Wars.

Draco: What happened to Potter playing him? I mean, I’m evil and a Death-Eater-in-training in the books.

Hermione: He’s not related to our Darth Vader. That’s your dad, by the way.

Draco: Geez, you people are being so picky. If Potter can’t be Luke Skywalker, then I can’t.

Ron: Why not?

Draco: Because I’m not related to the person playing Leia.

Ron: It’s not like we have any twins in this series! Well, okay, so we do, but we can’t do Fred or George as Leia!

Draco: That’s why we have makeup. According to one of the Dumbledore threads, Tom Riddle got cloned and had a trans twin who dated Harry.

Hermione: Oh dear.

Ron: You will not do that to Fred or George.

Hermione: I think it would be fine if we had Ron as Luke and Ginny as Leia. It’s close enough.

Draco: What happens to me?

Hermione: You can play Han Solo.

Draco: That means I hook up with Ginny in strange books following the production?

Hermione: Yeah, sure. Say the magical casting words...

Draco: I cast Ron as Luke, Ginny as Leia, and myself as Han Solo.

(Ron and Draco change places, Hermione is replaced by Ginny)

Ginny: I just want to let you know I consider this very very stupid.

Draco: So does everyone else.

Ginny: They why are we doing it?

Ron: Shhh! She’s listening!

Draco: You. Are. Paranoid.

Ron: Hey wait. If I’m Luke now, I shouldn’t be Luke for the same reasons Harry couldn’t be Luke.

Draco: I didn’t quite follow that.

Ron: Lucius Malfoy isn’t my dad.

Draco: I should hope not!

Ron: Was that an insult?

Draco: Oh *no* it wasn’t.

Ron: Okay. We still need to change the casting.

Ginny: Just take Lucius Malfoy out.

Ron: But our dad doesn’t have a history of evil!

Ginny: So? Just do it.

Ron: This is confusing.

Ginny: Why don’t you just recast and *not* base this on family relations?

Ron: Good idea. We can bring Harry back now. Harry Potter will play Luke Skywalker.

(Harry appears instead of Ron)

Draco: I suppose I’m gone now, too.

Ginny: No! You have to be Han! I mean, I get paired with you in fanfic so much! And...and...you can’t pair me with Ron!

Harry: That does actually kind of make sense. I mean, you two didn’t exactly hit it off on a good foot in the books. And Han and Leia fight in the movie.

Draco: (hopefully) Does that mean I stay?

Harry: Sure. Ron had enough good things in the Spanish Inquisition fic to last a while.

Draco: You mean the one where I tortured Hermione with a dish rack?

Harry: Yeah.

Draco: And Ron got taken away with some WORS society?

Harry: That’s the one.

Draco: It’s not fair! Why does he get his own adoration society?!


Draco: Oh good. I thought my pure evilness might have thrown some people off.


Draco: I feel so special now...

Harry: All right, all right. We need an R2-D2.

Ginny: Penelope Clearwater.

Harry: You’re not suggesting...?

Ginny: Never mind. How about one of those dwarves from book two?

Harry: The Valentine dwarves? *Shudder*

Ginny: Yes, Harry. You’re going to need to face them sometime or another.

Harry: Noooooooooooo!!!

Draco: What’s this about?

Ginny: It involved a poem.

Draco: Enough said.

Ginny: Please, Harry! Please cast the dwarf!

Harry: No! I currently hold the ultimate casting power!

Ginny: Darn.

Harry: How about Flitwick?

Ginny: Fine.

Draco: Fine.

Harry: Flitwick for R2-D2.

(Flitwick appears, does nothing)

(The DE’s have now finished their poker games and started using the Unforgivable Curses 1 and 2 on the Dursleys.)

Draco: We need a Palpatine.

Harry: Voldemort.

Ginny: No! Voldemort used to be incredibly hot back when he was a teenager! He can’t play Emperor Palpatine!

Harry: He wasn’t that good looking!

Ginny: Yes he was! Look at all the threads about him! And me!

Draco: I thought there were a lot of thread about me! Me and you!

Ginny: Yes, but Tom has a lot too!

Draco: (to the invisible Author) Does he have more threads than me?


Harry: Back to business.

Draco: I think the Dark Lord is still the best choice.

Harry: Voldemort for Palpatine.

Draco: Goodie.

(Voldemort appears and goes off to torture the Dursleys)

Harry: And Lando Calrissian.

Ginny: Peter Pettigrew.

Harry: How did you know about Peter being alive?

Ginny: (mysteriously) I have my ways.

Draco: No way. I’m not having Pettigrew be Calrissian. I get to pick. Tom Riddle.

Ginny: He’s already in, in an older version. And if Tom’s in the fic, he should be Han.

Harry: Actually, she’s got a point. I mean, Calrissian has money. You have money. Han wants money and power. And Leia. Tom wants money and power. And Ginny.

Draco: But he’s already in!

Ginny: Well, we can get around that legal block. I mean, he was a different person from You-Know-Who in the Chamber of Secrets.

Draco: Fine, fine. As long as I stay in.

Harry: Draco for Lando and Tom for Han.

Ginny: Yeah!

Tom: Hey, nice to see you again.

Ginny: *blushing* Really?

Tom: Sure, why not. You’re older and a lot cuter now.

Ginny: Are you saying I wasn’t cute before?

Tom: You were eleven.

Ginny: Are you implying that I wasn’t cute before?

Tom: Well...

* * * * *

Draco: This promises to be interesting.

Harry: It’s all falling down around our ears. (Looking for the invisible Author) Can we stop now?


*The whole world everyone is in goes dark*

Ginny: Tom, how long until we can get married?

Draco: What happened to me and you?

Ginny: You’re blond. You’d clash with my hair.

Draco: *splutter*

Ginny: Tom, on the other hand, looks just perfect. After all, Lily Potter had red hair and James Potter had black hair.

Harry: If it stays dark in here, it won’t matter what color hair we have.


Ginny: It’s okay. Everything’s okay with my Tommy-Wommy.

Tom: Eek.

Ginny: Was that an ‘eek’ from you?

Tom: No, ma’am.

Draco: You know, I think I’m kind of glad I didn’t go with Ginny now.

Ginny: You...you...!

Tom: Calm, Ginny. Think meditation.

Harry: That’s great, coming from you.

Tom: The basilisk helped me meditate.

Harry: Sure.

Tom: No, really.

Harry: What happened to turning off the fic?

*The invisible Author blushed, and the fic ended*

The Final Author’s Note: Oh dear...