Harry Potter Hogwarts Caretaker

Chapter 13: Severus

Harry thought about Draco's words a lot after that talk. Talk to Severus? He'd been avoiding Severus Snape on purpose so far, but he would have to talk to him sometime. Snape for some reason was one of the people he felt most guilty of betraying. Snape had risked his life to make up for having been a death eater once. How could he expect Harry to do anything less?

But then again Draco had insisted that he ought to talk to Snape. He'd been convinced that Snape could help him. That he wanted to help him. And he did know Snape well, maybe even better than Dumbledore did. And Dumbledore too had told him to talk to Snape about his problems. Both Snape's best friends agreed that he'd help Harry. They had to know.

But Lupin had said the same thing about Sirius. Remus was Sirius' best friend as well and he had been totally wrong. What if Dumbledore and Draco were wrong about Snape's reaction? Could he take another disappointment? Would he be as disappointed as he had been when he'd tried to make peace with Sirius?

Harry admired and respected Snape, but they had never been close. Harry had always reminded Snape of James too much and Snape had always scared Harry. Not that Harry had run away whenever he'd seen the potions master, but he'd always treaded carefully around him. Nobody wanted to incur Snape's wrath and he'd hated Harry anyway.

Still Snape had stood up for Harry on several occasions, had saved his life from Voldemort's attacks. Harry shuddered at the thought. Once he had been one of the few people who had dared to say the dark lord's name out loud. Now that Voldemort was finally defeated and everybody was saying his name without difficulty Harry trembled at the very thought of it. He couldn't say it anymore. He'd been unable to ever since they'd taken him to Azkaban.

He wondered if anybody had noticed. They'd all talked about Voldemort and his death eaters and the war a lot, but he'd been very quiet during most of those conversations. Maybe they hadn't. Maybe they hadn't even paid him enough attention to notice the way he spoke of Voldemort. Why would they care about that anyway? Harry Potter was nobody and Voldemort was long gone and dead, a threat to noone. Why should anybody care if Harry Potter couldn't say Voldemort's name?

Harry woke up very early the next morning. He'd been dreaming about being a death eater and going to Azkaban again. These dreams had followed him wherever he'd gone for the last five years. It was nothing new. But he felt like they'd gotten worse and more frequent since his return to Hogwarts. He seemed to remember more and more details every night. He could even recall some totally inconsequential conversations he'd had with some of the minor death eaters. He wondered what had happened to them. Which ones had died in the battle like Lucius Malfoy? Which ones had gone to Azkaban like Percy Weasley? Was it really safe to assume that those would never be back? And could it be that some had escaped entirely? How would he react if he met one of them in the street some day?

For a while Harry tried to get back to sleep. Maybe he wouldn't dream anymore tonight. But it didn't work. He was too afraid of what he might see if he did dream again.

Harry finally decided to get up and look around for Dobby. He knew that the house elves were already up at this time relighting the fires and bringing in fresh milk and bread. Maybe they could continue work on the schedules and elf files until breakfast. Or maybe they could get started sorting furniture. Anything to take his mind off the past.

He dressed quickly and started his search in the kitchens where a very old house elf he thought was called Flobsy told him that Dobby was not here and that he wasn't supposed to work this early. She insisted that he went back to bed and slept some more.

Harry sighed and left the kitchens, but he wasn't going to return to his room and try to sleep again. He decided to keep looking for Dobby instead. If he wasn't in the kitchen, he had to be elsewhere. The trick was finding out where, Harry decided. He tried the great hall first assuming that they might already be laying out the dishes, but found it still empty.

Wondering where else he might find Dobby at this time of day he left the great hall again and almost collided with none other than Severus Snape who seemed to have just come in from a very early morning stroll and was headed back towards the dungeons.

"Good morning, Harry!" Snape greeted him in an actually friendly tone. "You're up early today."

"I couldn't sleep." Harry answered trying hard to remember when he'd last seen Snape being friendly.

"Well, if you have nothing better to do, I could make us some tea in my office." Snape offered. "I've been meaning to talk to you anyway."

Harry looked at Snape incredulously. Another teacher inviting him for tea? And Severus Snape of all people? Somehow Snape had never struck Harry as the kind of person who'd want to discuss things over a friendly cup of tea.

"Thank you, Professor Snape, but I was actually looking for Dobby. We've got some unfinished work I'd really like to get done."

"First, don't call me Professor. You're not a student anymore. My name's Severus. And second, I just saw Dobby leave with the group of elves that went down to Hogsmede to do the shopping. They'll be gone for a while and once they return all the elves will be really busy with preparing breakfast. I doubt you'll be able to get a hold of your friend before nine.

"But that's when he's supposed to report to my office anyway." complained Harry.

"So what about tea in the meantime?" Snape insisted.

Harry hesitated. Snape was the last person he wanted to talk to right now, but, like he'd told Draco about Sirius, he would have to talk with him sometime. He might as well get it over with right now.

"Okay, but why is everybody around here always offering me tea?"

"I think I could find some coffee somewhere as well, if you'd rather have that."

"No thanks. I was just wondering, because it seems people either kick me out or offer me tea. Are you sure nobody told all off you to do so?"

"Well, it does make it easier to talk. From what I've heard you've been keeping to yourself a lot and people are a little worried about that. The tea is just a trick to make you stay for a while. We are your friends Harry. It's not good for you to be alone all the time. We're just trying to help."

"Look, I don't know what Draco told you about yesterday, but I'm okay really. You don't have to treat me like ... I don't know ... like I'm totally psycho or something. I'm fine. I know you're all disappointed in me. That's okay. You've got every right to be and I'm not gonna die of shock just because you tell me so."

They had reached Snape's office. Snape opened the door and waved Harry in. There was nothing that had obviously changed inside, but somehow the room suddenly felt much more comfortable and inviting. Was it because Harry was no longer a student and Snape his least favourite teacher? Was it because nothing was all that bad compared to his memories of Azkaban? Or was there some subtle change that Harry just couldn't put his finger on? Harry couldn't tell.

"Draco?" Snape said as he started to make the tea. "Draco didn't tell me anything. I didn't even know that you two talked. He'd like to make friends with you, you know, but I thought he was too afraid that you'd reject him."

Harry said nothing.

"So what did happen yesterday? Want to talk about it?"

Harry took the cup of tea Snape offered him and stared into it.

"No, I think I'd rather not talk about that. It was nothing anyway." He wondered if Snape would believe that. It was a much too obvious a lie in his opinion and Snape had always been quick to pick up on those. As a spy he'd probably had to be. His life had depended on it.

"Alright, lets talk about me being disappointed in you then. I am not."

"You ought to be. You have every right to be. I joined the enemy you risked your life to fight. How could you not be disappointed? You have to hate me."

"I have the right to be disappointed? I? How could I not be disappointed?" Snape repeated incredulously. "How could I be? What right would I have to blame you for making the same mistakes I did? I could never blame anyone who ever left the dark lord's service voluntarily. You and I are in many ways just the same Harry. To hate you would mean to hate myself."

"The same? You made up for your mistakes. You fought and defeated ... Him. I, I just ran away like the coward I am. Wonder why I ever got into Gryffindor."

"You are not a coward, Harry. And the Gryffindors were never as perfect as people used to think. They fought bravely in the war, yes, but you are not the only one who made mistakes. No house is above the others, Harry and if the sorting hat put you into Gryffindor, that is where you belong. ... I would have run too once. I was trying to run when I turned to Albus. I showed him the dark mark on my arm and expected him to kill me. I thought death was the only way to free myself of my guilt. He didn't kill me, though and I would have run and hidden the way you did if Albus hadn't forced me to become his spy. He is the one who truly defeated Voldemort. I was just one of his many tools. I'm proud of that, yes, but it wasn't my doing. Albus helped me through it all and he will do the same for you."

"I wouldn't have had your courage." Harry said shaking his head. "Not even with Dumbledore's help. And I can't go and prove myself the way you did. I can not make up for what I've done. I can not make the people forgive me."

"Ah, but that is the trick, Harry. You don't have to make them forgive you. Some already have, some will in time and some always did dislike you and you never had a chance to make them your friends in the first place. But this isn't about any of them, Harry. It's all about you. All in your head. You don't have to make others forgive you. You have to forgive yourself. That is much more difficult, but it can be done, Harry. You have to learn to forgive yourself. I know it's hard. It took me years only to understand what that means even though Albus must have told me a thousand times. It isn't the others that put you through all the pain, Harry. It is you."

"Forgive myself when everybody hates me for what I've done?" Harry nearly shouted.

"It is you who hates you, not the others. Maybe there are a few that do hate you, but they always will. You have to move on and accept it. Accept your past as what it is. The past. What counts is here and now. You have to make a new start. We are your friends. Don't push us away, because you think that you don't deserve us. We think you do. Accept that there are people who still like you. I know it's not easy, but please try."

"How could I forget what I did when I've still got that tattoo to always remind me of what I am?"

"What you were, Harry. What you were. It's in the past. I never said you should forget it. But you have to leave it in the past where it belongs and move on." Snape put his arm on the table and showed Harry his own dark mark.

Harry stared. He hadn't even noticed that Snape hadn't even covered it this day. He wore it openly for everyone to see.

"This is a symbol of my past, Harry. Just a picture. It can't hurt me. And I'm not afraid to let it show. Not anymore. As long as I was trying to hide it all the time, it held power over me, but not anymore. People know what I was. I don't mind if they do, because it says nothing about who I am and they know it. Let the past be the past, Harry. Forgive yourself and move on. Then the dark mark will mean nothing anymore."

Harry slowly rolled up his sleeve to look at his own tattoo. Of course people knew that he had one, but to just let them see it, the way Snape did? How would they react to that?

"It can't do anything to you or anyone, Harry. It's just a picture." Snape said holding his own arm beside Harry's.

Harry stared at the two tattoos. They looked exactly the same. Still he felt like they were different. Snape's dark mark seemed meaningless after all the things he had done. His own looked powerful and evil to him. Was that all in his head? Could he just stop thinking of it as powerful and it would be as meaningless as Snape's? He moved to cover it up again, but Snape stopped him.

"No, leave it like this. You have to show it that you are not afraid of it anymore."

Harry slowly nodded and stood up. Alright, he would give this a try.

All during breakfast he thought he could feel people staring at his arm, but nobody did comment on it. Harry, though still very nervous, was beginning to feel more hopeful about it. Charlie and Fred were chatting with Neville as always and Harry for the first time tried to get into the conversation. He felt a little awkward having to ask who the people they were talking about were all the time, but nobody seemed to get impatient about answering his questions.

Once when he looked up he noticed Ginny smiling at him and Draco came over to say hi before he left the great hall. Harry wondered if they'd noticed that he'd come in with Snape this morning and if they connected that with his wearing the dark mark openly.

'Forgive yourself and move on.' Snape had said. Harry wasn't sure if he could, but he was at least going to try.