Harry Potter Hogwarts Caretaker

Chapter 11: Sirius

Indeed their work progressed well the next day and to Harry's surprise they had the room cleaned before lunchtime. Only some insults that Peeves had scrawled onto the walls remained and they couldn't find a way to get them off. Harry finally decided to repaint the entire room. It was already empty anyway.

He did his best to remain busy and not think of Sirius, but somehow it just didn't work. Remus' words came back to him again and again. It got even worse once they were done painting and had to leave the room to dry. To keep his mind off his troubled thoughts Harry decided to carry the furniture in at once and just not push anything against the walls yet.

Hermione came by to check on their progress and seemed very impressed. To Harry's relief she also gave her approval of the chairs he'd chosen. Well, except for the fact that one chair seemed a little wobbly to her and she insisted that it required repairs.

Harry didn't argue about that. It gave him something to do once they were done dragging the furniture in. He got out his toolbox, took the whole chair apart even though he had to admit himself that that wasn't really necessary and nailed it back together. After that the chair was as good as new and Harry's thoughts drifted back to Sirius again.

Harry had watched Sirius during the meals that day and noticed how he avoided to even look at him. That hurt despite everything. Sirius was the closest thing to a father Harry had ever known and it hurt that he wouldn't acknowledge him.

Harry decided to return to his interrogation of Dobby, but for some reason that seemed to go a lot faster this time and require a lot less concentration. Again and again Harry's thoughts drifted back to Sirius.

An hour before dinner Harry had to let Dobby go to help in the kitchens. Then he had nothing to distract him anymore. What should he do?

He could continue his exploration of the castle, but that gave him lots of time to think. And time to think was just what he didn't want. He could start sorting out the furniture as he'd planed, but somehow he didn't feel like leaving the safety of his office. What if he met Sirius in the halls? How should he react? What would happen if Sirius ever required his assistance?

Harry sighed. Sirius would probably do what Hermione had. Go to Dumbledore with the problem. At least Harry supposed that that was what Hermione must have done. It was the only explanation why Dumbledore had been the one to come to his office to inform him about the chaos in the arithmancy room.

'Hermione doesn't like me anymore either.' Harry concluded and wondered slightly why this surprised him. How could anyone like him after what he'd done? What was it about those Weasleys? They didn't even seem to mind. Well, they did have to deal with what had become of their brother Percy. But why weren't they angry with Harry rather than welcoming? Shouldn't it hurt them that Harry had gotten away with only five years in Azkaban while Percy would spend the rest of his life there?

Sirius and Hermione and Cho and Lavender were right. They knew what Harry was and how he deserved to be treated for it. ...

Hermione had tried to be nice though. Harry wondered why. Perfect Hermione. How had she always known what was the right thing to do? Harry was convinced that she too had been a hero in the battle at Hogwarts even though nobody had mentioned it. Hermione always did the right thing at the right time. Harry however ...

Harry was just another fool who'd fallen into Voldemort's trap. Or was it really Voldemort's fault? Harry had known exactly what Voldemort was. He had known what the right decision was, but he hadn't made it. He had chosen to side with Voldemort and his evil. It was his own fault and only his. He deserved to be punished for what he'd done. He didn't deserve to be allowed back into Hogwarts, allowed to work here among the heroes of the great war he had been to cowardly to fight.

Harry covered his ears with his hands shaking his head violently to block out his thoughts. He did not want to hear them anymore. He did not want to remember, did not want to know.

Of course it didn't help. One can't keep oneself from thinking by covering ones ears. The only thing that could help him silence his thoughts was work. He had to do something, anything.

Looking around the room his eyes fell on the toolbox. He'd never finished sorting the tools. Harry grabbed for the box like a drowning man. It would keep him busy until dinner.

But after dinner the thoughts came back and this time there was nothing to do. Memories of Sirius mixed with the memories of what he'd done and memories of his time in Azkaban. There weren't any Dementors in Azkaban anymore. They'd gone over to Voldemort just like Harry had. Harry wondered what had become of them for a moment. Most likely they'd all been hunted down and destroyed. The survivors of the war wouldn't have had much pity left for them after they'd watched so many of their friends and loved ones die. Maybe there were still a few Dementors left hiding somewhere, but Harry had not had to suffer from their presence in Azkaban.

It hadn't made much of a difference. The prison island was a horrible place even without them and it didn't inspire good thoughts. Harry had almost felt like they were still there. Only the feeling hadn't gone away. Sometimes it got a little better, sometimes it got worse. Right now it was really bad.

Harry tried to tell himself that it would get better again like it always did, but that wasn't much of a consolation. He still felt like dieing. If he were dead it would all be over. If he were dead he would finally feel nothing anymore. He wouldn't have to remember. ... Or would he? What if there really was life after death? What if there really was a God and a Devil? A heaven and hell?

Harry didn't feel like going to hell soon. And he didn't consider going to heaven for even an instant. Death eaters don't go to heaven. Being in hell might be even worse than being in Azkaban ... with Dementors.

Harry threw himself onto his bed, curled up into a very tight ball and cried.

Flop!

Something had landed on the bed beside him, something small. He had felt it. Something very small and fast was moving around on his bed.

Harry didn't care. He just continued to cry. The something would go away again.

One small paw touched his cheek, then another, soft fur ...

"T ... Twichy?" Harry sobbed out.

A tiny tongue started licking away the tears on his cheek. Harry grabbed the ferret with both hands and pulled him against his chest cuddling him.

Twichy didn't protest. He pushed his little twitchy nose against Harry's hand, then proceeded to lick his fingers in comfort.

"Oh Twichy, I don't know what to do. Everybody here hates me."

Twichy stopped licking and looked up at Harry. He seemed surprised at what Harry had said. No, of course the ferret couldn't be reacting to what Harry had said. He couldn't even understand him after all. Still it felt good to talk to him.

"They have every right to hate me of course. I'm a very evil man, Twichy. Little ferrets should probably stay very far away from me. I'm a death eater, you know."

Twichy looked up at him and shook his head. Well at least it looked like he was shaking his head. Most likely he was looking for a way out, because Harry was squeezing him too tightly. Harry opened his hand, but the ferret remained just where he was still looking at Harry.

"Remus tells me I'm not, but this here says I am." Harry explained to the ferret baring his arm and showing him the dark mark.

Twichy jumped closer and inspected the mark with his little twitchy nose. That tickled. Harry smiled. Twichy looked over at Harry for a moment, saw that smile and seemed to take that as encouragement. He turned his attention back to the dark mark and started licking it with a tiny red tongue that tickled even worse than his beard.

Harry pulled his arm back and quickly covered it up again.

"Don't!" he told the ferret. "Never touch that! It's evil. You're going to poison yourself ... It can't be licked off, you know. It's a magical tattoo." he continued a little more gently. "It'll never go away. And it says I'm a death eater."

Harry picked up the ferret again cuddling him more gently this time.

"Remus says I'm not." he repeated. "Remus says to talk to Sirius and tell him I'm sorry for what I did. Remus says he'll forgive me. But he isn't even looking at me at all and I don't dare go to him all alone."

Twichy suddenly slipped out of his hand with what seemed to be one single graceful movement, jumped onto his shoulder and gave a soft little squeak right into his ear.

"You think I should go too?" Harry asked him wondering about the way the ferret sometimes seemed to understand him. "You'd stay with me?"

The ferret nodded.

"Well, I'd really like to talk to him again. He's the only family I've got." Harry thought for a moment. "Alright, I'll do it."

He got up hoping that Twichy wouldn't hop off his shoulder the moment he'd walk out into the hallway. But Twichy stayed. He rode Harry's shoulder until they reached the door to Sirius' office.

There Harry paused getting nervous once again. Twichy tickled his ear once more then climbed off his shoulder and slipped into his shirt pocket. Harry had to smile despite his fears. The ferret almost seemed to be giving him and Sirius some privacy while still being around to mentally support Harry.

Harry took another deep breath and knocked. Maybe Sirius wasn't there. Then they could go back to his office and forget this whole foolish undertaking. He could invite Twichy to another game of catch like they had played when they'd first met. He would not think about his godfather anymore, the closest thing he had to a father.

Harry was just about to turn around and leave when the door opened and Sirius stood there before him.

Harry swallowed hard. Oh, no! He was there. Now he'd have to talk to him.

"Hello Sirius." he said softly.

"Hello Harry." Sirius responded flatly obviously just as unsure of how to talk to Harry as Harry felt about how to talk to him.

Harry swallowed again.

"Can I come in for a moment?"

Sirius seemed to think it over struggling with himself before he answered with a curt nod and stepped aside to let Harry pass. Sirius closed the door behind him and suddenly Harry felt trapped. He had to fight down the impulse to race back to the door and try if he could still get out.

Sirius turned to him where he stood looked him up and down and said nothing for a while. He did not offer him a seat. He just stood and stared. Harry stared at the floor and suddenly wondered what had become of Professor Binns. The former history of magic teacher had already been a ghost so he couldn't have died. Why did Sirius have his job now?

"So what was it you wanted to talk to me about." Sirius finally asked after an eternity of staring. Or had it been less than a minute?

"I ... I just wanted to...to ... Sirius, I know that you must be very disappointed and ashamed of me and I'm sorry. I...I wish I'd never ... never done that. But it's too late now. I can't take it back. I just ... just want ... you to know that ... that I'm terribly sorry and if I could take it back I would."

"How could you Harry? I just can't understand how you could do that. He was the murderer of your parents. They died to save you from him, died fighting him. Doesn't that mean anything to you? How could you serve the man who murdered Lily and James? I never could have and I'm not their son. He orphaned you Harry. Everything was his fault. Everything the Dursleys ever did to you, every time those muggles made you feel like a freak, every time death eaters attacked you and your friends, all the people who died in the war, the people who risked their lives to protect you. Does all that mean nothing to you?"

"I'm sorry Sirius. I'm sorry, so sorry." sobbed Harry.

"Sorry? Do you think that makes it right? Sorry can't change a thing. It wont make anything undone."

"Please Sirius! There's nothing I can do. I would if there was, but all I can do is ask you to forgive me. Please give me a second chance. We have to get along if we're both going to work here."

"I'm trying to. But I can never forgive how you betrayed Lily and James with what you did. They were my best friends and you just threw their sacrifice away like that. You were like a son to me Harry. I thought you were like them, but you betrayed us all like Peter. I can never forgive you, Harry, but I promise to be civil. I will give you your second chance, but I will never again be able to love you the way I did. ... I'm sorry, Harry. That's all I can offer. Take it or leave it."

Harry nodded. He couldn't speak. 'You're like Peter.' It was true. He was no better than Wormtail. A traitor and coward. He did not deserve the kindness Sirius was offering him.

"Thank you Sirius." he managed to croak. "I guess that's all I can ask for."

Sirius nodded and opened the door for him. Harry slowly walked out feeling alone and lost. The door closed behind him. The sound had something final to it, something symbolic. There was no going back now. He was all alone.

Something tickled his chest. Twichy was climbing out of his pocket. Harry took him into his hands gently and looked down at him. The ferret looked almost as miserable as Harry felt. He was dragging his furry little tail and his beard was hanging down. Even his ears seemed to be hanging miserably. Harry cuddled him a little.

"It's okay, Twichy. It's not your fault. You tried to help, but you're just a little ferret. What could you expect to achieve? I did all that to myself I made a decision and now I have to pay the price for it. It's only fair."

In the next chapter: Harry has to deal with Sirius' rejection, Twichy gets a bad scare and Harry discovers a friend he never thought he had.