Helas

Helas!

To drift with every passion till my soul

Is a stringed lute on which all winds can play,

That's what my life has been so far...and probably be forever...everyone manipulates me...uses me for their own benefit...they're happy to leave all their troubles on my shoulders...no one realizes that I am a human being too...I crave a normal life, too...I desire a family as well...not just evil Dark Lords and their minions running after me...or being forced to stay with a family that considers me to be the bane of their existence...my life has always been controlled by the whims of others...controlled by everyone at some point or the other...everyone except me...even after I have fulfilled my destiny...I could understand and forgive my being a pawn till Voldemort was defeated...there was the prophecy...that was my destiny...but after that? I expected them to let me live my life my way after that...but no...the great wizard who defeated Voldemort could not be left alone, could he?

Is it for this that I have given away

Mine ancient wisdom, and austere control?

Oh no...they thought I was too dangerous to be left alone...who knows what I might turn into...they saw me as some sort of a reincarnation of Tom Marvolo Riddle, alias Lord Voldemort...ungrateful creatures...I gave up everything to protect them from Voldemort...everything...perhaps it would have been better if I'd let Voldemort win...it's a pity one of us had to live...it might have been better if both of us had died...or if I had died...why me? I never did anything to harm anyone...no one speaks of the sacrifices I made to save the world...I gave up my friends...pushed away my love...they were happy at the time and hailed me as their hero...and now that the villain is dead, they have turned away from their hero...proclaiming me to be dangerous...they say that my life is too similar to his for me not to become the next Dark Lord...I ask them, who condemned me to that life? I didn't choose to spend a miserable existence with my dead mother's sister and her Muggle family who treated me like filth...I never chose to have Voldemort pining for my blood...I never chose to have them manipulating my life...I never chose anything! Simply because I was not allowed to! I was forced into doing everything...tricked into doing everything...I didn't become the most powerful wizard ever...I was made...made by the very people who accuse and point fingers at me today...

Methinks my life is a twice-written scroll

Scrawled over on some boyish holiday

That's probably what my life is...scribbled by someone for fun...then scratched out and rewritten...I wonder who was responsible for this...sadistic creator of mine! I wish you could see me...do you see me? Do you weep at my miseries? Or do you laugh at me? I wonder...written and thrown away...is this what life is supposed to be? Life, which is called the most wonderful gift ever given? I think not. And if it is, then I don't wish to live! And yet they won't let me die...

With idle songs for pipe and virelay,

Which do but mar the secret of the whole.

It's amusing the way my life has been just a scattered bundle of events...there's no link...no connection anywhere...except perhaps the misery of it all...even the rare joys that I experienced...the rare melodies of life that were sung to me and I sung myself were always tinged with grief and guilt...I was tainted by guilt...now I realize that I was wrong...the guilt was not mine...I was punishing myself for the faults of others...and they were only too happy to let me do it...to ease their own selfish consciences...if there's such a thing still existing...oh yes...did I say that I was the only one unaware of my life? I was the only one who did not know anything about myself...I was told the bits and pieces to keep me going, of course...the bits and pieces which would make me achieve their goal for them...but the real secrets lay with them...I wonder why I never realized this before...everyone seemed to know more about me all the time than I myself did...funny, isn't it...I can see their faces now as I laugh...they're standing right outside and shivering...out of cold or fear, I do not know...maybe they're scared of my laughter...no wonder, even I am...I have had precious little to laugh about in my life...it is not something which comes to me naturally...

Surely there was a time I might have trod

The sunlit heights, and from life's dissonance

Oh yes...the time of my glory...the time when I was welcomed back into the magical world seven years ago...it was this very day that Hagrid brought me here...I was made to believe that I was loved and cared for...I had friends...I had well wishers...I had admirers...I had worshippers...I had enemies, too...but I was overwhelmed by the good things so much that I was too happy to suffer to get rid of the enemies...for the first time in my life...I felt that I was home...and over the years, I was pushed higher and higher on the scale of glory and heroism unknown to me...I only compiled because I was too scared to say no...Gryffindor bravery indeed...I thought that...I was made to think that if I didn't do it, I would be turning away from my duty...and having been an outcast all my life in the other world, I did it...for I didn't want to be an outcaste again...and yet, that's exactly what I am...what I've been made...

Struck one clear chord to reach the ears of God:

Is that time dead? lo! with a little rod

And yet it is all forgotten...they have forgotten the number of times I have saved their lives at the risk of my own...traitors...but then, I was the hero, wasn't I? Heroes are supposed to do good to others and expect nothing in return...I didn't expect anything...I would have been happy with nothing...but they couldn't leave me with even that, could they? They punished me...punished me for being good...punished me for saving their lives...punished me for killing Voldemort for them...they call me a murderer...if I hadn't killed Voldemort, they would have called me a coward...now I understand why Voldemort was so bitter...I understand why he turned...he saw the truth that I was too blind to see...he was always brilliant...I wish I had seen the truth as well...

I did but touch the honey of romance -

And must I lose a soul's inheritance?

Oh yes...I didn't talk of my love, did I? Well, there was a bright period in my life...a very short one...I agree...and it was covered with dark clouds too...but nevertheless, it was probably the brightest part of my life...you see, I was in love...I was in love with one of my best friends...Hermione Granger...does it ring a bell? Yes...the present Minister of Magic...she was nominated a week earlier...I was told that she would be taking over today...oh, how I loved her...and she loved me too...at least, I think she did...but then, they came in between...they said that I had to push her away...I had no right to love her...I had my destiny to fulfill...and my love for her would constitute a weakness on my part...and put her life at stake...I couldn't bear it...I didn't want Hermione to get hurt because of me...I pushed her away...they made me push her away...she left with a broken heart which Ron mended, bless him! But they never noticed my shattered heart...the shards of which pricked and tormented my soul...that day I lost my love and my best friend...for none of them talked to me ever since...I suppose they blame me...if only they knew the truth...but now they never will...they would easily believe what they say about me...my friends will - no, my former friends think I am the mythical monster they believe I am...I know they do...for neither protested when I was sent here...in Azkaban...the wizard prison...ah, the ironies of life! Who could have imagined that the Boy-Who-Lived would end up here? But here I am, waiting for my soul to be sucked away...I see them coming...rather, I feel them coming as I shiver and my mother's screams rack my brain...I shall not cry out when they give me the Dementor's Kiss...no, I won't, for I feel this cold, bitter sound issuing from my lips which can be classified as laughter...so be it...I'll die laughing...laughing at the world that ruined me...I am glad this is ending...but what an end to Harry Potter, the saviour of the magical world!