Fear Itself

Chapter 3

    After Harry and his aunt and uncle had finished dinner, which was quiet for the most part, had left. Before going, Harry managed to slip a couple of Sickles onto the table for Tobias when his uncle hadn't been looking. Harry had no idea if the waiter needed wizard money. He was fairly certain that Tobias knew where to use it though.

    Leaving the restaurant, Vernon led the way, immediately followed by Petunia. She looked back to make sure Harry was keeping up occasionally. Harry was still trying to puzzle out why she had taken a sudden interest in him. After all these years of criticism, she actually seemed to care. It was a puzzle, to be sure, and Harry thought that there must be something for her to gain from it. Shaking his head, he continued to follow them back to the car.

    They had nearly reached the parking garage when a woman's voice shouted his name. "Harry!" The Dursleys turned as Harry looked around for the source of that shout. A short distance away from them, Harry spotted a young woman waving at him, making her way across the street. She had short dark hair, and a pale face. Harry instantly recognized Tonks and waved back. He heard his uncle grumble something rather uncomplementary, but ignored him.

    "Hey, Tonks," Harry said. She walked up to him and gave him a playful cuff on the shoulder. "What has you out and about in London? Business for the Or-" Tonks winked at him and held a slender finger to her lips. She was wearing canvas pants and a shirt that brazenly proclaimed the letters 'C.I.A.', and happened to be carrying a plain white plastic sack.

    "Actually, you caught me out shopping for your birthday present." She looked over at his aunt and uncle, who looked uncertain if they should come back over. Uncle Vernon in particular oozed impatience. She smiled and nodded at the Dursleys before looking back at Harry. "So, are you anxious for school to start up again? I imagine that there will be some time at headquarters before you go." At the mention of Grimmauld Place, Harry's mood darkened. Apparently this showed on his face, because Tonks sobered for a moment, "Gosh, Harry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

    "It's okay," Harry answered quickly. He didn't want to think about that place right now. "I'm going to have to go back sometime," Harry said glumly. Tonks tilted her head a bit. "I am ready to go back to school though." Harry didn't really know what else to say.

    "Well, listen, Harry. I've got your present, and seeing how we've bumped into one another here in London... Would you be able to come back to HQ, do you think?" she asked. Harry pondered this for a moment and then looked at his aunt and uncle. They seemed curious, but content to wait a short distance away. His uncle no longer looked impatient, but he didn't appear as though he would keep much longer. He turned back to Tonks and hitched his shoulders in a shrug.

    "I suppose so, but you'll have to ask..." he couldn't finish the sentence. Tonks was looking at him strangely for a moment before she walked over to speak to the Dursleys. Harry stood patiently watching their conversation, but not really hearing them. His heart raced at the idea of going back to Grimmauld Place, but he was torn about whether he really wanted to go or not.

    Aunt Petunia walked over after a few minutes. "Harry, I know that Tonks lady - your headmaster mentioned her as one of the people who might come to see you. If you want to go spend some time with her, then that's fine." She looked as though she would rather he didn't. "I understand she's got a present for you, and I'm sorry we didn't get one for you this year - Vernon has his limits. You go on and have a good time, but," she interjected sternly, "be home before ten o'clock tomorrow night." Apparently there were limits to Aunt Petunia as well.

    "Thank you for the dinner, Aunt Petunia." At this she smiled a little and walked back to his uncle. Tonks had walked back over from Harry's uncle, who looked annoyed again. He watched them go into the parking garage before turning to face Tonks. "How'd you manage that?"

    "What, you mean getting you away for the night?" Tonks asked. "I just told them if I couldn't get you away from the house that we'd all come over and have your party there. Interesting Muggle, your uncle. He seemed quite flabbergasted at the notion." Harry could only too well guess the reaction his uncle had. "Well then, we can go to the Leaky Cauldron and floo back home then. Was there anything you wanted from Diagon Alley?" Harry shook his head. His school list hadn't arrived yet.

    "Off we go, then!" Tonks said spritely. She set off in the direction Harry and the Dursleys had come from. Harry followed beside her, watching other passers-by. Occasionally he glanced over at Tonks, who would look back at him with a smile. He managed a smile or two in return, and she even laced her fingers with his companionably. Harry, who wasn't used to close contact, felt a little warmth in his stomach at the gesture. 'Must be the pizza.' He vainly tried to maintain the thought as they walked back into Soho.

    By the time they reached the Leaky Cauldron, the evening sun started to wane. Harry hadn't been here in a while, but he still remembered the dim interior when he went inside. There were few witches and wizards inside, which seemed odd to Harry. Most of them were keeping to themselves, either hunkered over their meals or looking at the Daily Prophet. Harry knew that they were reading about the lack of activity from Voldemort or what the Ministry of Magic was doing about the recent news. Nobody paid him or Tonks any mind as she went over to the fireplace.

    "Now Harry, since we're going by floo, you'll have to come with me." Harry looked at her askance. "I'll explain once we get there." She took a pinch of floo powder and stood inside the fireplace, motioning for Harry to follow her. She linked her free arm in his, and tossed the floo powder down "Black residence!" she said, and a flash of green flames rose up over them.

    A gut wrenching motion threw them out into the kitchen at Grimmauld Place. Harry wasn't used to traveling with other people by floo, and consequently found himself in a tangle with Tonks on the floor. She giggle a bit, "Sorry about that, Harry. You know how clumsy I can be." They carefully separated, but not before Harry caught a whiff of her perfume. He turned his head and sneezed, apologizing as soon as he did.

    They stood and brushed soot and ashes off their clothes, which made both of them sneeze. The kitchen was empty, as Harry looked around. "Nobody else is here then?" Tonks shook her head, but smiled mischeviously. Harry stuck his tongue out at her. "So why'd we have to floo together?" Tonks grinned back.

    "Its part of the protections Dumbledore put on this place. We'll get you keyed to it tomorrow." Tonks set her bag down on the table and moved over to the cupboard. "Tea, or something stronger?" Harry's jaw dropped. "Eh, sorry Harry. I keep forgetting you aren't of age just yet. Tea then." She rummaged in the cabinet for a moment, and Harry looked over at the bag that held his birthday present. "Don't you even think about it!" Tonks mock-shrieked without looking.

    "Think about what?" he asked, innocently. Harry pulled out a stool and sat, watching Tonks as she moved over to the stove. She didn't seem so clumsy to him now as she set about making hot water. She pointed her wand into the stove and muttered, "Lacarum Inflammare." Sparkes flew down into the hole and presumably started the fire. Tonks slid the cover back into place and set the teapot on top of it.

    Turning back to face Harry, she leaned on the counter next to the stove. She looked at him, seeming to appraise him. "So, another day and you'll be sixteen. You feel any different?" Harry shrugged.

    "I suppose not. Am I supposed to feel different?" Tonks smiled but shrugged her shoulders.

    "I couldn't say, really. I know I didn't, but I thought I might ask. I know you've been owling us every few days, but Mad-Eye says you don't really write much. Actually he complains about canned messages, but then he's always complaining. Have the Dursleys been treating you okay?" The sudden change in subject caught Harry off guard. He looked back at her and blinked.

    "You know, Tonks, it's funny you mention that. We were just getting back from dinner when you found us. We never do that, go out for dinner, that is. They might, but I would stay home when they did. That was my first birthday dinner." Harry still wasn't sure if he was dreaming or not. "Probably my last one too," he added quickly.

    "What makes you say that, Harry?"

    "Well, they've never been, uh, nice to me. It was Aunt Petunia's idea, but Uncle Vernon didn't really like it that much. She's been acting strange all summer." Harry couldn't bring himself to say what had started it in the first place. As if reading his mind, Tonks asked the question.

    "Any idea why, Harry?" He shrugged his shoulders, but she looked as if she didn't totally believe him. Fortunately for Harry, the teapot began to steam, and Tonks moved to pour two cups. She brought them over to the table and set them down before sitting next to him. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked without looking. Harry hung his head a little and shook it.

    "Not really," he breathed. He was not going to lose control in front of anybody. He was not was not was not. He kept repeating that to himself in his head, but before he knew it his head was buried in his arms on the table. He had tried to hold back all summer, and now here he was, sobbing in his godfather's kitchen. He felt an arm reach around his shoulder, and he tried to shrug it off, but it wouldn't let up. Finally he just gave up and continued to cry.

    After what seemed like forever, Harry finally calmed down enough to sit up again. Scrubbing the back of his hand across his face, he took the cup in front of him and drank. It had gone cold.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Just after Harry started to break down, the hallway door had opened. Tonks looked around and saw Snape, who stood in the doorway with that ever-present sneer on his face. She looked at him with a warning and shooed him away with her free hand. Snape closed the door without a word, but not before he shook his head in disgust. 'Oh, hang Severus Snape' Tonks thought.

    She consoled the poor lad for half an hour the only way she could, with quiet words and an arm around his thin shoulders. Harry eventually sat up again, taking a drink of his tea.

    "You must think I'm pathetic," Harry said, staring into the cup in front of him. Tonks was full of emotion at the very mention of this boy, no, this young man as being pathetic. She shook her head.

    "No, Harry. Look at me." He turned his head to face her, eyes full of sadness. "Harry, you can't just hold everything in like you have. It shows us how human we are that we can be sad. You've had your share of tragedy, and you have faced more than most of us in the Order ever have. If anything, you're very brave." Harry looked almost as if he would have another bout, but closed his and breathed deeply instead.

    Without opening his eyes, Harry spoke. "He's right, you know. It's my fault Sirius is..." It was obvious that he just couldn't say it. She tried not to be angry with him.

    "Harry, it is _not_ your fault my cousin is dead. It is Bellatrix LeStrange's fault - she cast the spell that caused him to fall--" Harry's eyes snapped open, a spark of anger within them.

    "But I went haring off without checking to see if it was true!" he shouted. She was taken by suprise at the force in his voice. "If I hadn't charged in like a glory-hound-"

    "Now you just stop right there, Harry Potter!" Tonks was just as suprised at her own voice as Harry was, but he had to hear it. "Where on earth do you get the idea that you were chasing glory? All you knew was that Sirius was in trouble, and none of us were around to help!" She paused a moment, trying to get a grip on herself. She continued in a calmer voice. "Harry, that could have just as easily been me, or Kingsley, or someone else. Sirius knew that he might die saving you one day, and he has. I wish it were some other way, but he's gone."

    Harry looked defeated. He stopped looking at her and went back to staring at his tea. He mumbled something about not changing the blame, but Tonks could tell they were both too tired to argue any more. She sighed and stood up. "Come on, Harry. Let's call it a night." He sat for a moment, before tipping his head back to finish his tea. He stood, and she wrapped her arm around him again. The left the kitchen together, and he put his arm around her as well.

    Once they had made their way quietly up the stairs, they stopped at the room Harry and Ron shared the previous year. Tonks pulled him into a hug. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Tonks," his words muffled on her shoulder. She squeezed him a bit harder.

    "No harm, Harry, no harm. I'll be just down the hall if you need anything. He let go of her, and after a moment, she let go too. She looked at him with a weary smile, and patted his shoulder. He smiled back. 'Well there's one more for the night anyway' she thought. "Good night, Harry."

    "'night, Tonks." He turned to the door and when he started to go in, she fought the urge to pull him into another hug. She turned and walked two more doors down and went into her room. It wasn't until after she had climbed into bed that she thought to ask herself who Harry had meant when he'd said, 'He's right, you know...'