Anonymous

CHAPTER 3

Remus had never felt so exposed before, nor so humiliated, awkward, or completely petrified. His first instinct was to clutch his notebook closer to his chest. He'd taken it out to write down what had happened to him so far but had frozen at his sudden distraction and completely forgot about rummaging for one of his new quills. His fear had stopped him cold.

And yet, even as he sat still as stone, there was a lifting, warm feeling in his stomach melting the rest of him down. A strange sense of belonging (odd as it was) filled him as a pair of noisy, bickering boys entered his previously empty and silent train compartment on the Hogwarts Express. They both appeared to be about his age, both with dark hair and wide grins. One was a bit taller with hair that came to the base of his neck, the other wore glasses and had shorter hair that stuck up oddly in the back. They were arguing in loud voices about Quidditch.

"The Wigtown Wanderers have a great strategy!" vouched the bespectacled boy. "They let their Beaters do the most distracting damage while their Seeker sneaks up behind everyone."

"Yeah," the other boy yawned and waved his hand impatiently, "but the Falmouth Falcons don't rely too much on their Seeker. Most other teams do and their Chasers end up being on a lower level."

"What do you think?" the Wanderers boy asked Remus pointedly and quite unexpectedly so that Remus gave a yippy sort of gasp before dropping his notebook.

"Erm, uh, do - do you mean me?" Remus pointed at himself, while trying to gather up his notebook.

"Well, who else is in here?" the Wanderers boy laughed and shook his head. Remus felt his face grow hot, cursing himself for not having anything witty to say in return. Meanwhile the Falcons boy plopped down heavily on Remus' right and draped an arm over his shoulders, pulling him forward and ruffling up his hair.

"Sorry if that was rude, he didn't mean anything by it," he said easily. He lounged back into his seat and stretched his arms behind his head. "By the way, Sirius Black's the name."

"Black?" the first boy's voice was tainted with disgust.

"Don't get yourself all hot and bothered," Sirius said darkly, "I'm not too proud of it."

The other boy smirked after a pause for what seemed to be an inner struggle and held out a hand to Sirius. "Potter, here. James Potter."

They shook hands and Remus watched, stunned.

"You two didn't know each other before?" he asked bluntly.

"Of course not!" James turned to Remus with a disbelieving look. "What did you think? No offense to you, Black, but my parents would never have let me associate with a member of your family."

"I wish my parents had been the same way," Sirius mumbled wryly.

"It's just that, well," Remus scratched his head, "the way you two were going on, I thought-,"

"Nah," James interrupted very simply and sat down on the opposite seat, "we just met a few minutes ago. Got into a bit of an argument about Quidditch, is all."

"What's your name?" Sirius asked, turning to Remus.

"Uh, it's Remus Lupin."

"Well, Lupin, I hope you don't mind our invading your compartment," Sirius waved a hand at their surroundings. "It's just such a lovely space and all-,"

"And everywhere else was too full for a pair of bigheaded first-years," said James while he settled back into his seat as comfortably as Sirius did. Though, Remus thought that being scrunched together with knees drawn into his chest was just fine. Really.

"So, either of you have any idea what house you're going to be in?" James asked communally. "I know I'm Gryffindor, easy. My whole family's been in there."

"Well," Sirius sighed, "I don't really care much, as long as I'm not in Slytherin. I may have to kill myself if I end up in the same house as my lovely cousins," he said calmly. "Gryffindor would be cool. It would piss my mother off to no end." His eyes glazed over in a sort of far-off glee.

There was a pause in which Remus blushed again. They sure wanted him to talk.

"Well?" James raised an eyebrow.

"I-I suppose Ravenclaw'd be okay," Remus muttered.

"Hm, that's true. Ravenclaw is the next best choice to Gryffindor," James said, "though I'd still rather be in huffy Hufflepuff than Slytherin House."

There was a consensual nod from Sirius and they all fell into a distracted silence. James tipped his head back and stared at the ceiling, whistling an unknown tune. Sirius spun his wand around in his fingers while staring out the window. Remus thought it was finally safe to dip his hand into his pocket and fish out a quill. Having stowed his inkwell deep into his trunk, which was now sitting overhead, Remus sighed in sloth and pulled out his wand instead. He pointed it at his quill, using a little-known Charm that Julie had taught him, and it grew heavy with just enough ink to write a page. After that page, though, the Charm really wouldn't work as well and the quill would be likely to burst.

'A page is all I need,' Remus thought, tongue in his teeth as he opened his notebook to a fresh new page. He was quite used to writing with a simple, Muggle-style ballpoint pen by now, but Julie, in encouraging him to really get into in the Wizarding World, had thrown them all out. He only hoped that the ink wouldn't be too heavy and leak through the pages.

"That was pretty cool," James said quietly, and Remus jumped at his voice. Looking up, he saw that both Sirius and James had been watching him, probably since he did the Charm.

"Er, thanks."

"You've been practicing spells?" Sirius tilted his head.

"Well, I thought that I should be prepared..." Remus trailed off at the impressed nods from James and Sirius.

"I probably can't Charm my way out of a paper bag," James said thoughtfully, "as of now, at least," he added. "I'm more of a Transfiguring person, really. I accidentally changed one of my Mum's chore lists into a chocolate bar once, a big one with a creamy center. She still thinks that the House-Elf lost it!" he laughed. Sirius joined in with a bark-like chuckle and Remus found himself snickering.

"Well," Sirius began, "I got in a fight with my Mum one night. Mind you, that whole week there'd been a stray dog running around the neighborhood which, of course, bothered her to no end. Well, that night, I had fallen asleep thinking about that dog and our fight. A few minutes later, that bloody woman woke up the whole house screaming. The dog had gotten in her room and was licking her face!" They all broke out in laughter again. "I had levitated the dog through an open window in my half-sleep. I had been hoping that it would bite her but the licking ended up making her madder. It was a miracle I got the dog out of the house before she killed the poor thing!" They fell into laughter again.

"As for me," Remus spoke up of his own accord at last, "the first bit of magic I ever did was when I was walking down the street one cold night with my Mum. She was telling me that I couldn't play with other children because-," Remus' voice faltered for a moment, "because I was sick. Well, I got so angry with her that we walked by this trash bin and it suddenly burst into flame!"

Sirius let out another bark of laughter.

"My mother got so nervous about it she didn't think of her wand and tried to beat the fire out with her bag. It caught fire, too! She dumped it into the snow and after that we just ran."

James was laughing so hard that he was practically slipping off his seat while clutching his stomach.

"Then, I turned around and I saw that some homeless old Muggles had crowded around the bin, all warming themselves by the fire! And the Muggles dug around in the bag we left behind and started to feast on our groceries!"

Remus finished his story; his thoughts about his journal had been forgotten until he pitched forward in laughter and it slipped from his lap.

James wiped a tear from the corner of his eye and still smiling mirthfully, picked up Remus' journal, holding it out to him. Remus' smile faded immediately and snatched it back protectively. The compartment fell into an uneasy silence.

"You okay, mate?" James asked.

"I - sorry, yeah, I just-," Remus took a deep breath, "I'm just sort of attached to it, I guess." He had no idea why he was telling these two new boys this information about himself, but he felt his mouth say it without knowing it was really him. His voice was comfortable with saying it, never wavering. But his mind was uneasy about it.

"I'm sorry," Remus mumbled.

"No need to apologize," James shook his head, "I get the same way if anyone touches my broomstick."

"Well, then how on earth are you ever going to get close to a girl?" Sirius wondered, ever-so-innocently out loud. James let out a scream of mock outrage and tackled Sirius down to the floor. They rolled around there for a moment, laughing and yelling. Remus drew his legs back up to avoid having his feet getting trampled and laughed along, though he had really no idea what was so funny.

***

1 September 1971

I think I have friends. Though, I hope they never find out. About me.

That's so strange, isn't it? People. Friends with me. And I think they truly like me. Well, they haven't found out my secret yet, so maybe that's why. I really like them, though. They're all so nice and funny and...

I hope they never find out.

I wonder how they would react if they did figure it out - that I was a werewolf? James? He would probably say that his parents wouldn't want him to associate with a werewolf and he'd never speak to me again. But as for Sirius, I have no idea. Maybe he would send a dog after me. To hurt me or even kill me.

I hope they never find out.

Professor Dumbledore, in my letter for school, told me to not tell anyone about 'it'. He also said that tonight, after dinner at nine o'clock, I am to go and report to his office. He said that he'll send my Head of House for me. He probably wants to talk about my condition.

It feels so different to be hiding being a werewolf. I've never bothered before. Most people who know me (and that's really very few people) know my condition. They just steer clear - let me keep my head down. But I'm surprised I never thought about it. Hiding the condition, I mean. How are they really to know? If I don't tell them then maybe I can really get close to people - before they have the chance to back away from me, that is.

On the train today, after I met James and Sirius and after we got lunch from the cart lady, we heard some kids bullying another boy. James really had a problem with one of them (it was a mutual thing, though), a boy named Snape, and Sirius seemed to dislike all of them. Well, not dislike, loathe. Then James and Sirius pulled off some really cool magic and they saved the other boy. His name is Peter.

Well, we got to Hogwarts and sailed (can we sail without actual sails? Or maybe we floated with a speed and direction?) across this huge, dark lake. This huge, dark man led us across to the huge, dark castle. Hogwarts at last.

It was so cool. We got inside and the whole place just felt like magic. I suppose it's a bit strange to feel magic, but I did. It was like I could already feel all that could possibly happen within these walls.

I hope they never find out. What if they do, though? I mean, I'd get kicked out, right? That would be horrible. Really, really bad. It's worse than never having come at all - being accepted and then making me go back.

No. I'll never go back.

After we got into the Great Hall (it's got this really cool ceiling), there was a Sorting where it was decided where we would spend the next seven years. There's this old Hat that sings and all but I would've preferred to have that nobody watched us while it happened. It's just so exposed. I felt as if everyone could see right through me, right into me, and read my thoughts - know my secret. And I couldn't see any of them at all. They all were hovering in front of me, just looking at me, lost under - under, I guess you could say, a shadow. I felt so powerless.

But ironically, I got Sorted into Gryffindor (the Hat said something about it being the bravest house). Funny, huh? But I felt okay about it because Sirius had already been Sorted there. I still thought I was a shoe-in for Ravenclaw, I wonder what Julie will say. I'd better Owl her tomorrow. The Hat had said I had some 'hidden courage'. No clue what that means. James and Peter got in too. All the bullies from the train were Sorted into Slytherin, the 'ambitious' (more like scary) House.

It just feels so great to have us all together, though. I'm sharing a room with my new friends. New friends. I just like the sound of that.

"Lupin, what are you writing?" Sirius belly-flopped onto Remus' bed in front of the boy, who sat at the pillows cross-legged.

"Nothing," Remus closed his journal sharply and stuffed it under his pillow as Sirius was distracted once again by one of James' possessions flying at his head.

Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter were all unpacking in the First-Year Boys' Dormitory at the top of Gryffindor Tower. James' definition of 'unpacking', however, was cause for alarm as it changed the innocent dorm into an Unidentified Flying Object zone. Anyone under eight feet tall was in danger of receiving a balled up sock to the face or, as Peter learned the hard way, a thick-bound textbook square in the jaw.

Sirius, upon first entering, chose the bed closest to the window, dumped his trunk at the foot of his bed, kicked it open, and declared himself settled in. James chose the bed on Sirius' right and Peter on James' right (closest to the bathroom). Remus settled in the last bed (the one on Sirius' left) in the cozy corner. All the beds had thick red hangings and were extremely plush and comfortable. And Remus had stopped at the Common Room before and thought it was the perfect place for him to do magical homework. A warm fire, overstuffed chairs, red and gold rugs - Remus felt he must have been in a palace. Well, it was a castle, but...

"Alright, boys!" Sirius rolled over onto his back on Remus' bed, sat up, and clapped his hands together. "It's time we get to know each other a bit better."

Peter and James threw conspiratory looks at each other before choosing to obey Sirius' orders.

They dive-bombed the bed.

Remus let out a yell, while Sirius had a 'bring it on' look spread eagerly across his face.

"I'm sure he only meant to taaaalllllllkkkkkk!" Remus was pulled backwards into the fray before he could really finish.

The four boys (each of them, whether willing or not) were thrown into frenzied play-wrestling. After a few minutes of being tangled in sheets and hangings and tossing pillow feathers all over Remus' bed, they all fell back, panting. Peter was lying flat on his back with James sitting calmly atop his protruding gut. Sirius was face-down, his toes propped on Peter's shoulders, his head dangling over the edge of the bed so he could face Remus who was sprawled carelessly over the floor, a wide smile across his face, his hair tousled.

The door opened suddenly and the stern, tall woman who'd led the first-years to the Great Hall stood framed in the doorway, a dim and hazy firelight behind her.

"Hello, Mr. Lupin. I assume that you and your companions are finding the housing conditions to be suitable?" she asked lightly with one raised eyebrow.

"They're perfect," answered an amused Sirius.

The woman stared at him, a faint smile playing on her thin lips. Then, she held out her hand to Remus.

"Mr. Lupin, you may call me Professor McGonagall. I am your Head of House and your Transfiguration Teacher." Remus got up and shook her hand nervously.

She continued, "Are you ready to meet the Headmaster?"

"Uh, yes," he nodded, "I'm coming."

Remus walked over the Professor McGonagall without looking back. He didn't want to turn around and see everyone's faces. Surely they would question what he'd done to warrant a meeting with the famous Dumbledore on his first night.

"Wait," Sirius cried out, "it's not his fault! We made a mess of it, too!"

"Yeah!" James said. "You'll have to take us all with him!"

Remus could hear the others scrambling to their feet. His heart seemed to lurch into his neck. 'They think I'm in trouble? They want to... help?'

Sirius had run between McGonagall and Remus, a look of total defiance on his face. He was followed closely by James and even Peter stumbled up.

McGonagall raised another eyebrow before waving her wand lucidly at the feathery mess behind them. The bed straightened itself out instantly.

"Come, Mr. Lupin." She turned and went down the stairs.

Remus shrugged at the others, never meeting any of their eyes and scampered out the door after her.

***

Dumbledore's ice-blue gaze twinkled at Remus, making him much less nervous and intimidated. He had the air of a man of history and a powerful past; but he also looked very much like a doting old grandfather.

"So, Remus, do you understand all that I have told you?" he asked kindly. "Madame Pomfrey here will assist you whenever you need help physically. Professor McGonagall and myself will be here for you if you ever just need someone to talk to."

Remus nodded, feeling a wet lump rising in his throat. He had no idea why it was there.

"Thank you, Professor," Remus tried to continue without right-out crying, "thank you s-s-so much. For everything. I kn-know that you probably didn't want to let me c-come at all..." He trailed off, unable to speak too clearly anymore. A single tear rolled over his cheek despite the smile that adorned his weary face.

"It was no trouble at all," Dumbledore shook his head, returning the smile, "and just let me tell you Remus, you've inspired the likes of me: an old man who thinks that he has difficult life."

Remus nodded, another tear shod. He felt a light tap on his shoulder and a similarly teary-eyed McGonagall handed him a tissue.

"Go back up to Gryffindor Tower now, Lupin," she said quietly, "you know the password."

Remus nodded and left the room, Madame Pomfrey bidding her farewell and following him out as well.

'Wow,' Remus thought simply, wiping his nose with the tissue, 'he really is a great man.'

***

Minerva McGonagall didn't like to cry too much in front of others. She did every so often, yes, but that didn't mean she liked it.

"Oh, Albus, I have to admit," she sobbed out, "at first, I thought you had to be out of your mind, allowing - oh, but now I understand. That poor boy, that poor boy." She paused a moment to catch her breath.

"But Albus, it is still quite risky of you to do such a thing. I don't even mean for the physical endangerment of the students, the precautions seem quite solid. I mean it's risky for you. If anybody finds out, you will probably suffer just as much as Lupin shall."

"Minerva," he said softly, "I doubt that I will ever have to suffer as much as he shall in the rest of his life. I very much doubt that."

He turned to face the window which opened out to a starry night sky. On the grounds, a newly planted Whomping Willow swayed gently in the breeze. To Dumbledore, the moon glowed above, looking heavenly, a source of comfort in the sea of dark. Or it used to be.

Now, the half-lit face of it was almost menacing in its blazing, burning silver light, it was a horrible thing of fear and dread, it was dangerous. The trigger to a terrible weapon.

No, not yet. It would be all those things and more when it was the full orb.

***

Remus slipped into the empty Common Room of Gryffindor Tower. He crept up the stairway to the top and reached the doorknob to his dorm. He turned it carefully, not allowing any sort of creaking or noise. He slunk against the dark walls, hoping the snoring of his roommates would cover his light footsteps. He changed into his pajamas as quietly as he could.

The last thing he wanted was to face the curiosity of his new friends. He wasn't a good liar and he knew that they would probably be able to drag it out of him at this sort of time; when he was exhausted already and unable to fend them off.

He slipped between the hangings of his bed and sank into the cool sheets, leaning back against the downy pillows. Already curling up into a fast approaching position for slumber, he closed his eyes, wanting to be ready to face the morning.

Well, at least until he felt his feet hit something warm and lumpy - make that a pair of somethings.

"Remus, you never said good night."

The last thing that a tired, insecure young werewolf needs to hear is that coming from the depths of his own bed. So, Remus did the sensible thing. He rolled off the mattress and his butt hit the floor with a mighty thud.

'This is oddly familiar,' he thought, rubbing the numbness out of his rear.

Sirius and James poked their heads out from under Remus' sheets, gazing down at him curiously.

"What are you doing in my bed?" Remus whined quite simply.

"We were worried," James whispered pointedly, "and Peter was, too, but he fell asleep, so we kicked him back to his own bed."

"What did Dumbledore have to say?" Sirius asked quietly.

Remus took in a sharp breath. This was the one he'd been trying to avoid.

"Er, nothing - um, I mean, of course something, but it was nothing - eh, well, really, he said something, er, but it was all about nothing-"

"You mean like what you're saying now?" Sirius interrupted, smirking.

"Erm, yeah, only, I'm sort of beat," Remus replied truthfully, "d'you mind if we continue this tomorrow?"

"Sure," Sirius shrugged. The two boys crawled back into their own beds and they all settled in. After hearing all the rolling and sheet-pulling stop, Remus spoke outwards to dead silence.

"Did you really wait for me the whole time?"

"Yeah."

"'Course we did."

Remus didn't know who'd answered with what, but he didn't care. He fell into his uncomfortable dreams with a slight smile, ready to take on his night terrors.

... across the open, grassy grounds... a tree is sleeping... it sways like it's snoring... but it won't always... it's limbs and boughs... so dimly illuminated... the sliver light of the half-moon... the dangerous face that watches us all... but not more dangerous than the pale, twisted face of someone else... without a spoken name... that man is somewhere... he is more dangerous than the moon... he is waiting... he is watching, too...

***

2 September 1971

Today was amazing. The best day of my life. Or the first day of the best life.

Let me tell you all about it...