Regrets

Draco was walking down the corridor towards the dungeons. A thousand memories threatened to overwhelm him, as they always did. He remembered Snape chastising Harry Potter just over by that portrait. He remembered seeing the chagrin on Potter's face, and the barely concealed joy of revenge in Snape's eyes. The memory did not bring him pleasure, very little did these days. He was felt too old for happiness any more. He wandered into the main potions classroom and sat at the back bench. The bottles on the shelves and the jars of pickled miscellaneous things had changed since the first time he had been here. He remembered sitting at the front watching the man who would teach him enough about potions, as well as life, talking about his work. Snape's truest love had been his potions, each adoringly created, distilled and bottled. Potter-baiting had been an idle hobby in comparison. Draco felt like a fraud every time he entered this place. This room had seen so much love, how could he use it to make things he could not care less about. It made him feel unclean. After every lesson he went for a shower to try and wash away the nausea, just as before every lesson he would drink something alcoholic to fend off the taste of bile.

He sighed as the bell went and got up from his chair, walking slowly to the front. He was not allowed the luxury of the back bench any more, the place the teacher in theory paid little attention to. The class walked in. First thing on a Monday generally would not have seen such eager faces on students, but it was the first lesson of the year. Eventually these faces would tarnish and be lost to misery, but for now Draco was able to appreciate their joy at being here. He sat at the desk and put on a mask of a smile.

"Good morning, class. Today I shall be teaching you how to brew a simple cure for bumps, grazes and bruises. Shall we begin?_

It was lunch time. The teachers were milling in the staff room on the second floor, as they had been asked to wait by the Head. Draco was sitting in a comfy chair, looking out of the window. He could hear Professors Sprout and Flitwick chatting about the reason they'd been asked to meet here. They needed a new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor. Professor Appleby had been introduced at the beginning of school on Friday evening and had promptly fallen ill with the Dragon Pox. It had not been pleasant to witness the symptoms. Madame Pomfrey had cured his burns but had predicted that he would have to go to St. Mungos for at least three months before taking the rest of the year off. Professor McGonagall entered the room and Draco resisted the urge to stand up, the natural reaction for a pupil in the presence of the Head of School.

"Ladies, gentlemen, and Draco," she said with a smile that Draco appreciated, "It has not been easy to find a new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor on such short notice. Luckily, the perfect candidate has just returned to the country." She moved out of the doorway and allowed the one man Draco prayed he would never see again to come in. Harry Potter stood there looking around at the familiar faces with a small smile. Professors Sprout, Flitwick, and Trelawney went to hug him withadame Pomfrey and Pince beating them to it. Professor Flitwick was shaking his hand so much Draco was sure one would drop off soon. The newer faces on the teaching staff, Transfiguration, Care of Magical Creatures and Muggle Studies, who had never met their hero, were stood behind the others wanting to be introduced very soon. Draco was the only person in the room who had not gone over to the lean man who was currently laughing with Madame Pince; though if you knew where to look, as Draco did, you could see in his eyes a haunted look that came from ten years of pain and misery built on memories of this place.

Eventually the bell went and the teachers departed for their afternoon responsibilities. Draco waited until they had all left before seeing if he could stand up. He managed it, but he felt weak, and his hand was shaking madly. How dare Harry Potter come here? This was the one option that he had left, his last haven against the real world. Behind these walls Draco could forget who he was and now He had come here and Draco's fragile shield had shattered. A year of Harry Potter in this castle again. There was no way he could manage it. He finished his whiskey and went to work.

It was dinner time, and the entire castle had been asked to assemble in the Great Hall to announce the DADA professor, something which was unnecessary. The Ravenclaw fifth years, who had obviously been his afternoon lesson, had let the entire school know. Harry stood for the applause and wild cheering, a faint blush hinted at on his cheeks. Draco remembered Harry hating fame, but coming to accept it resignedly as he got older. Things hadn't changed that much, but then again perhaps they'd changed beyond any of their control. Harry had not even looked at him on entering the staff room that afternoon, Draco was sure. He had always known when Harry's eyes were on him. How could he have been ignored, after all they had gone through? He expected hatred, abhorrence, odium, revulsion, not to be dismissed as nothing. My god, they had spent three years together in a relationship, how could that be considered as nothing?

The week had been hell. Draco had drunk as much as usual, and although coherent at his last lessons, he had usually forgotten something vital and all the mistakes that he remembered Neville Longbottom making in the first weeks of every year had been repeated by whole classes. If this carried on, he knew that McGonagall would have to speak to him. As it was, he had kept his drinking problem from her since he had started, just over a year ago. He wished now that his and Harry's relationship had been public. McGonagall may have preferred Harry as a teacher to him, but had she known that any member of staff would have a problem with an appointment, she would never hire that person. She was far too professional. He felt guilty about hiding his problem form her as it was something, as his boss, she should have been made aware of. The guilt of course just made him drink more. He was currently sitting at his desk marking some homework from second years. Thoroughly disillusioned he threw the pen down as a gesture of defeat. Then he was aware of a figure at the doorway. It was silhouetted, but Draco had mapped out Harry's figure with his fingers and tongue so often that he was not surprised when he walked into the light.

"Yes?" Draco refused to let any emotion enter into his voice, but he had to put his hands under the desk so Harry couldn't see them quivering. Harry walked over to the desk, his face carefully blank.

"I've come to tell you that I'm handing in my notice."

Draco leaned back and sighed. "Why?"

Harry laughed ruefully. "I can't do this. I can't be here with you but without you as well. And I know that you can't either."

"Oh? What makes you so sure that your presence has had any effect on me what so ever?" Harry leaned over Draco's desk so they were almost face to face. Draco forgot how to breathe. Harry's hands were moving, but Draco could not see what they were doing. He heard the sound of his top drawer opening and suddenly his current bottle was flaunted in front of his eyes.

"Because I know you better than anyone else in the world, Draco. Don't try to deny it."

Draco didn't. He snatched the bottle back and returned it to its place, slamming the drawer.

"It's better for both of us if I'm not here," said Harry, and he started to leave. Draco watched unblinkingly as Harry Potter walked away from him. It was a total role reversal of last time. Harry got to the door before turning again, anguish filled his voice.

"Draco, I need to know. Why did you leave?"

Draco sighed. Leaving had broken his heart, and sent him to the nearest bottle of brandy. Eventually he had needed a place to live and money to drink by; working at Hogwarts solved both problems. But why had he left? Was he even prepared to put the answer into words? Should he? Could he?

"Weasley came to see me one day while you were out shopping. He had found out about us, about me. He said things."

Harry took one step closer again, cautiously, his voice mirroring his motions. "What did he say?"

"I didn't deserve you. You should have had someone good, who wasn't evil. He said that...he said that I should just go and leave you to be with a better person."

"Why did you not just get angry? That was your usual reaction whenever Ron said something you didn't like."

"Because he was right. You did deserve better than me. You shouldn't have got stuck with me when you could have any person you wanted."

"You think I was forced into being with you? You think that I was coerced into living with you for three years?"

"Well no, but I..."

"Do you seriously believe that I wanted to be with anyone but you? That I could be happy with someone that hadn't been through everything that we have been through together? My God, Draco! We saved the world together."

"You saved the world, Harry. I had nothing to do with it," Draco said dully. It seemed to enrage Harry.

"Excuse me? Do you not remember me trying to run away and you telling me that there was nowhere to run to? The fact that you were the one that showed me what I was fighting for means a lot more to me than it does you, clearly. You were my courage, my bravery, my heart. And then you left."

"Just go Harry. Just leave me alone." Draco was sobbing.

"Ron died five months ago, you know?"

Draco looked astonished.

"Yeah, the blood curse came back with a vengeance. He died with me and Hermione and the rest of the family around him, though. Do you want to know what he said to me, his last words?"

Draco tried to nod and shake his head at the same time. Harry carried on talking regardless.

"He said he was sorry because he had ruined my life without me knowing it was him. He begged for forgiveness for something that I didn't know he had done. Today was the first time that I understood what on earth he was talking about. I forgive him, but do you?"

"Harry, you can't just seriously expect me to fall into your arms because your friend has died? Too much has happened since then." Draco was finding difficult to talk through the sobs. He was hoping for the answer yes, he was also dreading it. How could he go back to Harry, knowing how much pain he had caused the man he had never stopped loving?

"Has it? Because you know, I'm prepared to fall into yours. I love you Draco. I've never stopped loving you. I never will. I don't know if you can come to terms with that any time soon, but I'm waiting for that day when you do. Until then, goodbye."

Harry walked out of the room, and, before he had got to the end of the corridor, he had been pressed up against the wall by Draco, tears still streaming down his face, lips pressed against Harry's. Harry opened his mouth to give him access to his tongue eagerly. It had been so long since either had felt such wonderful contact, and Draco still needed more. His body ached from the suppressed passion, and the way Harry's fingers were trying to get through his robes suggested he felt the same way. Draco's mouth left Harry's and moved down his neck.

"I seem to remember the first time we did this was just a few feet along the corridor." Harry said, breathing heavily. Draco bit down on Harry's neck in answer, causing Harry to mewl softly. His hands finally undid Draco's trousers and reached their eagerly awaiting target. Draco bit down again, and Harry ran his nail down Draco's erection before grasping it firmly and rubbing up and down the length. Draco groaned into Harry's neck and brought his lips back up to Harry's. He kissed him again, and it was wonderful, but it wasn't enough. He needed fuller contact and he needed it now. He was about to drop to his knees in front of Harry when...

There was a cough from behind them. They reluctantly stopped kissing and turned to face the person. Draco recognised them as Morris Satchell, prefect. From the expression on his face, he reminded Harry of Percy Weasley at his most pompous. He did wonder if he was going to reprimand them for acting like students and being out of their dorm at this hour.

"Excuse me, professors, but did you know that in the school rules it does say that no-one should participate in activities that should not be made public in the corridors?"

Harry stared at the boy in honest amazement, not even Percy would have told a teacher off for kissing in the corridors. Draco, however, was at his most haughty when filled with an anger not seen since the days of Lucius as governor, combined with an icy demeanour that would have frozen anyone dead. Harry was scarily reminded of Snape.

"I beg your pardon, Mr Morris, but I do believe that I am the teacher here whilst you remain a student, a failing student. Twenty points shall be removed from the Hufflepuff house for your insolence and the sheer audacity in which you seem to assume you are in control of the school. Fifty points will also be removed along with a detention with me tomorrow evening wherein you shall write an essay detailing why you were out of bed at one in the morning for no apparent reason, other than to make sure that anyone, other than yourself, was not breaking the school rules. Make no mistake in thinking that I have anything but contempt for such unreasonable behaviour and hope you will learn your lesson well."

Morris' face had gotten redder and redder as Draco's tirade had continued, and, when he had finished, turned swiftly on his heels and fled back to his dormitory. Draco turned his attention back to Harry, who was smirking.

"What?"

"I seem to remember a certain someone trying to get me into trouble in first year for being out of bed and getting into trouble for the crime at the same time."

"Yes, well now I'm a teacher I have to act responsibly."

"Instead, how about I remind you just how much fun can be had at school?"

"That sounds...tempting."

They made their way back to Draco's room. Harry waited at the doorway as Draco lit some candles. Draco turned when he could no longer feel Harry's presence near him.

"What?" He asked, when he realised that the dark haired man had not entered the room.

"Are you ok with this? I mean twenty minutes ago you were telling me to leave."

"Oh stop living in the past." Draco sounded frustrated, and Harry did not take offence at the casual dismissal of his worries.

"As you wish."

There was silence and, even though Harry had moved into the room, Draco knew that a problem remained. He waited for Harry to speak.

"The question is; are you going to wake up at six in the morning and change your mind again? I'm sick of waking up in an empty bed, Draco."

Draco walked over to him and reached for his hand, taking in the frightened and emotionally bruised look in his eye. He understood the saying, "once bitten, twice shy" all too well.

"Me too," he whispered.

He wrapped his arms around Harry's waist and kissed his lips gently, waiting for Harry to acquiesce to further contact. Harry shuddered and Draco could feel the movement of the muscles in his back. He massaged, rubbed and caressed his back soothingly, coaxing him into relaxing. Eventually Harry sighed and opened his lips, and moved his hips, letting Draco move closer, physically and emotionally. Draco moved them closer to the bed, and they broke the kiss to sit down on the luxurious duvet. Harry smiled shyly.

"Hi."

"Hi."

Harry looked around the room, "I wondered where that oil lamp had gone."

"Well I bought it. I had every right to take it." Draco immediately regretted being defensive. Neither was able to deal with negative emotion right now, and the fragile peace could easily shatter. It had been this way at the beginning of the relationship, emotions ranging from lust and devotion for each other to major fights about little details. Harry had walked out of the room more times than he cared to count in the early days, just so he didn't have to put up with the hassle. Draco was praying that it wouldn't happen again.

Harry, however, was always the hero, the brave one. He ignored Draco's tone and kissed his hand. Draco bit back a sob, how could Harry forgive him for every single misdemeanour so readily? Harry seemed to notice Draco's anguish and kissed him again, destroying the barriers between them. When the kiss broke, their tears had mingled on each of their cheeks. There were no more words that night.

The next morning Draco went to McGonagall and admitted he had a drinking problem, but was getting over it with help from his partner. Whilst he was doing that, Harry managed to pocket his letter of resignation that had been left on her desk the night before, without it ever being read. Hanging around with Mundungus Fletcher for so long had clearly allowed him time to pick up some useful tricks. Rumours were cast over the entire school after the Hufflepuff house lost seventy points over night, but no legitimate information was forthcoming from anyone. Harry was indeed helping Draco get over the alcoholism by weaning him onto something else. Every time he needed a drink now, he just went and demanded sex from Harry. Unsurprisingly the addiction did not dim all that much, but the potions made in his class certainly improved.