Dark Night

Sirius is flailing around in his sleep. Again. I can do nothing but watch, and hold him to keep him from injuring himself, and pray for it all to stop.

(Incidentally, I'm not praying to any particular deity.)

Sirius wakes with a start, sits bolt upright, and instinctively strikes out. I move, but not quickly enough, and my nose begins to bleed. I grab a handkerchief and hold it to my nose to stem the flow. I know a charm that would stop it in an instant, but right now, my main concern is Sirius.

He's still breathing heavily, but he turns to me, concerned, and asks "Are you okay, Remus?"

"Fide," I say thickly. "Are you okay?"

Sirius looks away from me and mutters, "I'm okay."

"Doe, you're dot," I reply, then irritably take up my wand from the bedside table and clear up my nosebleed. "No, you're not," I repeat. "And I know...I understand that--"

"No, you don't understand, Remus!" Sirius snaps, turning around to face me. "You have no bloody idea!"

I bite my lip. "I...I would, if you'd tell me...I...I want to help you, Sirius--"

"'I want to help you, Sirius'," Sirius mimics. "Is that what this is then? You pity me, so to make me feel better, and make things like they were before, you pretend to still care for me and enjoy shagging me?"

"No, of course not! Sirius, I don't pity you, and I don't pretend to still care for you! I do still care for you...I thought you knew that," I add quietly.

Sirius scowls and turns away again. "You still have no idea what I've been through."

"Then tell me, Sirius," I plead softly.

This sets Sirius off again. "You want to know? Fine, I'll tell you! First of all, there's the cold. It's so cold there; you just go numb after a while. And you never feel warm...you forget what warm is. Then there's the stench. There are hundreds of prisoners, all of them unwashed, all of them living in their own filth. Do you know what death smells like, Remus? I do, and it smells like Azkaban.

"There's the sights, the sounds. The sounds of people going mad, screaming, recounting their hopes and dreams from when they were children. The sights of people rotting while still alive, the cold grey stone, the cold grey sky, and the cold grey water. Every time I look in a mirror, I remember...I have grey eyes, Remus. And worst of all, there are the Dementors.

"The Dementors make everything absolute hell. You can't remember anything but your worst memories, and they would consume you...even the tiniest of happy memories would call a flock of Dementors to your side...and just remembering them gave you a headache. Do you know what happened the first time I thought of you?"

I clear my throat. "I--"

Sirius' voice is choked. "A group of ten Dementors surrounded me, my mind was ravished, and I had a splitting migraine for a week. And you know what else? After twelve bloody years I couldn't remember anything besides my name, I didn't do it, and Pettigrew did. And Padfoot. That was my only comfort."

Sirius is quiet for a moment, then continues, "But you know what the worst thing was, Remus? Worse even than the Dementors? It was what happened after I got out. The memories came back, but some are broken, many gone entirely. I don't remember our first kiss, Remus. Or the first time we had sex. Or the first time we said I love you for Merlin's sake! I remember many of the other times, but not the firsts.

"And now I'm here, and no one understands. They all think I should be grateful that I'm here, and not out in a cave anymore. Well, at least when I lived in a cave, I still had freedom! Here...I don't...at first remembering the past was a blessing...now it's a curse. I don't want to remember anymore."

Sirius falls silent, tears threatening to overflow. Tentatively, I reach out to him. He flinches, but doesn't pull away when I touch his shoulder. Taking heart from this, I pull him into an embrace.

"Oh Sirius...I'm sorry...I...I didn't--"

"Forget it," Sirius mutters. "Forget everything I just said."

"No," I reply. "I won't. Sirius...I...I'm not a professional, but...even I know that you need to talk about this. So...anytime you want to talk, I'll listen. Any time you want help remembering something, I'll tell you about it. And...any time you just want to sit in silence, I'll sit with you. Sirius...I love you, very much...I always have...and I always will."

Sirius closes his eyes. "You didn't...when I was in Azkaban."

I shift, and pull Sirius gently, so he's leaning against me. Then I begin to stroke his hair. "Even when I thought you had...when I thought you were the traitor, I still loved you. I hated myself for it, but I still did."

Sirius wraps his arms around me. "I love you too," he says. "And I...I'm sorry."

"For what?" I ask.

"For...for snapping at you. I know you're just trying to help. And...for the nosebleed." He attempts a smile.

I laugh, then I begin to cry. I haven't cried in a long time.

Sirius looks at me in alarm. "Remus?"

I attempt to smile. "I'm okay...I think."

Sirius leans against me again. After a few minutes, he asks tentatively, "Remus?"

"Yes?" I reply, my tears gone.

"Um...when was our first kiss, shag, and I love you?"

I sigh. "Our first kiss...we were in fifth year, and it was November fifteenth, two days before your birthday. Things had been really awkward for the past few weeks, and we just...kissed. You kissed me, and I kissed back...or maybe it was the other way around...or maybe we just kissed each other."

"It was...we'd been...you'd been having nightmares?" Sirius asks slowly, frowning.

I nod. "Yeah...I was."

Sirius frowns. "But I don't remember...except that."

"It's all right. Let's see, the first time we had sex? It was the Christmas holidays, also in fifth year. James and Peter were gone, and we had the dorms to ourselves. We'd been sleeping in the same bed for awhile, and so we decided to do it. It was in my bed, and you were on top...well, on the left, really...and it was weird, and it hurt, but it was wonderful."

Sirius was frowning again. "And...I asked you...if you were sure...over and over." He's sure of it this time. "And we said I love you...?"

"About the same time we kissed, but I'm not sure if we meant it then yet or not," I say.

"Oh...thank you." We fall silent again.

"I'm tired," Sirius says abruptly.

I'm amused now. "I should think so. It's three in the morning, we've been awake the past couple hours."

Sirius pulls away from me and lies down, but draws me close as soon as I do the same. "I love you," he says.

"I love you too," I reply.

He kisses me, hesitantly. It's a new kind of kiss, different from those we've shared in the past, even the recent past. When the kiss is over, he pulls away slowly, and presses his forehead against mine. "I'm not okay."

"I know," I reply.

He sighs, and rolls onto his back, never letting go of me. Just as I'm about to drift off, Sirius says suddenly, "Hey, you never denied pretending to enjoy shagging me."

I laugh, a real laugh, and say playfully, "Is that all you think about?"

"No," Sirius replies, a grin in his voice, and I grin myself.

"Go to sleep, Sirius," I say, and roll over, about to fall asleep again.

"Sometimes I think about shagging you."

"Good night, Sirius," I reply.

"Good night, Remus. Love you."

"Love you too, Pads. Always."

~Fin~