The Way It Has To Be

"Then why are you here?" Sirius looked tired, more tired than he remembered, but some of the apprehension slid off his face.

Remus took a deep breath, and figured, if it didn't work, then at least he would still have the memories, right?

"For this," he said, and stood on tiptoe to ghost a soft, gentle kiss on the taller man's lips.

Remus felt him tense the second their lips touched. Oh god, please no, please don't let him have moved on...

They broke apart quickly, barely ten seconds had passed, but the damage had been done.

"Moony..." Sirius started, his face looking far older than Remus remembered.

"Who is he?" Remus interrupted. His voice broke, but he didn't care. It wasn't like the emotions weren't written on his face anyway.

"Ravenclaw. Our year. His name's Alex Overton." Sirius sighed. "Remus, I'm so sorry, I meant to come after you, really, but-"

"You did not." Remus could hear his voice tremble, with pain and blind fury.

"Did not what?" Big, concerned puppy dog eyes looked back at him, pretending like they care but they didn't. They lied, because how could anyone who cared make him hurt like this?

"Didn't mean to come after me. You knew where I was, just as I knew where you were. I gave you time. I hoped you would come back, more than anything I hoped you would come back. But you didn't. So I came here. And I could tell the second you arrived that you no more planned to come back to me than join the Dark Lord," Remus hissed in anger. A dark flush colored his neck and crept up onto his cheekbones.

"I got... preoccupied, ok?" Sirius ran a hand through his soaking wet hair. The rain was relentless, unstopping, and the pavement was alive with little rivers. With each one that passed over his foot, Remus could feel a little more pain soaking in.

"You smell like sex." Remus observed, as calmly as one might comment on the weather.

"What do you care?" Sirius snapped, and whirled. "Where do you get off? I told you to leave, and I treated you like shit and yet you're still here. Why?"

The question hung uneasily in the air.

"Because, I care about you. I wanted to be with you. But, I suppose I should have known I wouldn't be good enough." Remus was surprised to hear the bitterness in his voice.

"My brother is dead, you know," Sirius said, out of no where. "My parents were... distraught. They said they'd overlook me liking... men; they just wanted me to come home. So I did. Even after all that they put me through, I still went back to them." Sirius hung his head in embarrassment.

"Why?" Remus asked. His voice was much softer than before. It was impossible to stay mad at Sirius for long. It was something in the big brown eyes, or the luscious black hair, perfect for running your hand through, or the big, full lips that begged to be kissed...

Remus shook his head. I'm not entitled to think those thoughts anymore, he told himself.

"Have you ever watched James with his parents Remus? They love him, you know. It's not a big thing. It's a pat on the back, or a hand on a shoulder, or a smile. But you can tell. They're proud of him, and they love him." Sirius paused; his face said more than his words ever would. He took a deep, shuddering breath and continued.

"Even Peter, with his parents, you could see they loved each other. Peter's nothing." Sirius' face was suddenly alive with jealousy and spite. "Mediocre marks, mediocre brains, the only thing exceptional about him was his talent for being mediocre. And they loved him anyway." Here he paused, and his face softened as he looked at Remus. His voice cracked with emotion as he began to speak again.

"But you were the worst, Moony. You were something... despised by the world. It wasn't your fault," he added quickly, seeing the rage underneath the calm mask that was Remus. "But still, everyone turned against you, the whole world did, except for James and Peter and me. And your parents. Do you know how many people told them to just drop you in a lake somewhere? They never told you, didn't want to hurt you, none of us ever did. But despite what you were, they still loved you. And for that, I was eternally jealous."

Sirius' eyes pleaded for Remus to understand. He snaked his arms up around the other man's neck, so familiar, yet different. Sirius was soaked. Remus let his thumbs come to rest on his wet cheeks. Some of the raindrops looked suspiciously like tears. But that wasn't possible. Sirius never cried.

"So we were friends, and I was almost able to forget the jealousy, the loathing, I had for you, because you were such an amazing person. I never went to your house often; I never had to see your parents. I could deal with James and his parents, what's not to love about James? I could identify with them. But they you and me, Moony, we became more than friends. And as I fell more and more in love with you I became more and more jealous of what you had. It got to a point where I couldn't stand it anymore. And then my parents welcomed me back, but I couldn't bring you."

He paused for breath and drew away from Remus, shoving his hands in his pockets and turning his face upwards to better receive the rain. He paced for a bit, back and forth on the sidewalk, before turning back.

"That was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. You, or the love I'd always wanted but been denied. It hurt so bad, leaving you. But I thought, now I could have what I've always wanted, I could be loved." Sirius turned his face back, eyes reflecting the lights of the dim street lamps.

"I loved you," Remus whispered, "was that not enough?"

"No," Sirius sighed. "It wasn't."

Roaring behind Remus' ears drowned out anything else Sirius might have said. His eyes clouded over, and he leaned backwards into the wall to keep from falling down. The bricks were cold beneath his thin t-shirt. Deep breaths, he told himself, deep breaths...

Things slowly swam back into focus. He could see Sirius, he was still standing there, looking concerned, pretending like he cared.

"I'm sorry, Moony."

"Did they give it to you?" Remus was surprised he was capable of coherent speech.

"No," Sirius said, after a pause. "It was the same as always, so I left."

"So come with me! We can pretend like it never happened, like you never left... We can be happy. " Remus was vaguely aware that he was crying, but he didn't care.

"We can't go back, Moony. This is the way things have to be." There was finality in his voice Remus despised.

"Why?!" he asked desperately, glad the rain masked his tears.

Before Sirius could reply, out of the darkness came two arms to snake around his waist, and a sandy brown head appeared on his shoulder. The man was very thin, fragile looking, and shorter than Sirius, and had pale skin and hazel brown eyes that weren't visible in the dim, wet light. But Remus knew they were there, of course. The man looked.... very similar to himself.

"Alex," Sirius said, by way of greeting or in answer to Remus' question, he didn't know.

"Who's this?" the intruder asked, cheerily. Remus suspected he could feel the tension in the air, so he made a vague attempt to brighten it.

"He's an old friend from school." Sirius replied, never taking his eyes off of Remus.

"Why are you standing outside in the rain, you silly goose! Come inside, the both of you!" The same cheery voice, tension almost unheard, but still there.

"No," Remus said, as he tried to concentrate on breathing and not doing anything rash, such as coming back during the full moon and tearing this other man to pieces. "I was just leaving."

The couple moved towards the door and Remus watched, wide eyed. He couldn't believe this was the end of something he had thought would last forever. There was really no going back. He was gone. Two more steps and he would be through the door. Sirius paused, and turned back. Remus' heart jumped into his throat in anticipation. Had he changed his mind?

"Goodbye, Moony." Sirius said quietly, and disappeared.

His heart dropped back into an ever deepening pit.

"Goodbye," he whispered.

He started to turn, to walk away, but instead slammed his fist into the wall. He could hear the bones crack, and he whimpered in pain. Back against the bricks, he slid down until his head was on his knees, injured hand cradled next to his body, and he began to sob quietly.

"Goodbye"