Ashes

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It had been a few days since Sirius had screamed Remus' name to try and will him to stay with him. They had been long, hard days for Sirius. He had only gone without seeing or hearing from Remus during summer, but even then, Sirius had known that he would get to see him again soon. Now he knew that he'd never get to see Remus again. He was gone for good, and that was the fact that was heart wrenching to him.

Now, as Sirius' gaze traveled it saw so many crying eyes. James and Peter stood by Sirius' side in their best black robes, both releasing stray tears from their already red and puffy eyes while Sirius blankly stared into outer space. None of them had imagined this. Not even in their wildest dreams. Remus wasn't one to be so rash.

Remus' parents didn't show up to the funeral, they had been slightly ashamed. This fact sent anger through Sirius' veins. Sirius' parents wouldn't have shown up to his funeral, but he understood that. He was a disgrace to the family and had practically been disowned, but Remus had never done anything shameful or hurtful towards his family. If anything, he had always talked about them in high regards. After the procession was over, Sirius went off to be alone for a while, and to gather his thoughts. He was past crying, in fact, he had cried so much that he was sure he had cried a lifetime of tears in just the past few days. He stood on a rock that was just on shore of a sea near to the funeral. He stood on the edge of the rock and looked down at his reflection. His black hair swung into his face and his dark eyes looked at the water's surface as he shoved his hands moodily into his pockets.

"Mr. Black," Sirius swiftly turned around to see Dumbledore standing a few feet away from where he himself stood on the rock.

"Professor," Sirius said trying not to sound surprised, but he wasn't sure if he had been successful.

"Mr. Black I understand that you and Mr. Lupin had a," Dumbledore seemed to consider which words would be best, "special relationship, am I correct?" Sirius' eyes went wide and he looked at Dumbledore more closely. For the first time since Sirius had known Dumbledore, his blue eyes were not twinkling, but were calm and passive. How did he know, and was he mad about it? They had never done anything, they hadn't even kissed, so how could he be in any sort of trouble.

"No...Not really," said Sirius, quietly trying to convince himself that his own words were true, at least for the time being; until he knew that he would not be in trouble. He could mourn the fact that he actually loved Remus as more than just a friend later on when no one was around. Later on, he could mourn the fact that he wished he could've done so much more.

"You're not in trouble, Sirius. I was merely wondering if you'd like to keep the ashes with you," Dumbledore saw right through Sirius to the very core of his heart as it stopped beating when he had said that last sentence.

"Yes. I'd like them," Sirius said. Dumbledore reached inside his robe and drew out a jar that held gray ashes. Sirius took the few steps that were needed in able to reach the jar and Dumbledore placed them in his eager hands.

"I'm under the impression that Mr. Lupin meant to leave this to you, also," Dumbledore handed him a book, "I believe I'll see you in classes again in a week?"

"Yes, sir," Sirius looked down at the two things he now held in his hands as Dumbledore left. Sirius walked back to the rock. He sat on the edge near the water, and let his feet hang and just barely scrape the water's surface. He placed the jar of ashes by his side as he opened the book. It was Remus' journal. He read through it, occasionally there'd be a passage about him, until they all captured him as their subject, describing how his hair fell just past his ears and his dark eyes that had a glint when he was plotting something. The journal was filled with words about him. Traits that even he hadn't known he had possessed until pointed out. This boy-his friend -had known him better than he had known himself. The realization only made him want to know more, so he read the whole journal to the very last page. The page that Remus had written on just before his suicide.

After reading that page, Sirius could feel the stinging of the oncoming tears swallow his eyes. Sirius put the book down and looked at the ashes. Doing this, a mental picture of Remus came to his mind. His soft features beaming in the sunlight as the wind blew his golden hair about, messing it up and Remus wouldn't care in the slightest. His equally golden eyes would just gleam in the afternoon sunlight. A twinge of anger engulfed Sirius at that moment. Why did he think that suicide was the only way to deal with his problems? Why had he thought that killing himself would have made things right between the two of them?

"Why? Why couldn't you have stayed and let me help you? I would've, Remus. I would've helped you," The tears began to brim his eyes, "I'm not being selfish, you were the one," he choked back the sobs that threatened so violently to overcome him, "the one who took yourself away. You were strong, Remus, Why couldn't you have seen that?!" Sirius stood up enraged and noticed that the sea had given the jar a salt water film on the surface of the glass of his ashes, "you were wrong, Remus, to think that I'd never be alone! Look at me now, Remus! I am alone!" Sirius yelled out to the sea and sky, anything that would listen. Pure anger boiled inside him, now, but he wasn't mad at Remus, really. No, he could never be mad at Remus for more than a little while. He was mad at himself more than anything or anyone. Mad at the fact that he could've prevented all of this from happening. If only he had been brave and strong. If only he had told Remus how he felt, "we're not better off now! We're not better off, Remus!" He screamed letting all his rage go with the jar as he threw it out to sea. He stood, panting on the rock and watched as the jar of stormy gray ashes plopped into the water causing many ripples to go out from the place of impact. It was ironic, that everyday of his life from this moment on, he'd remember those ripples as he sank to the ground, sobbing. He felt so alone now, without even the ashes to accompany him.