I Am a Rock

Well. Here I am. Outside in the freezing cold. It really is quite nippy out, and the harsh wind doesn't really do me any good either. I keep pulling my robes tighter to keep out the cold, but it doesn't seem to be helping at all. I'm sitting under the tree near the lake in the middle of winter. I just had to get out of the castle for a while. Thanks to Severus Snape, I feel humiliated, harassed, and most of all, alone.

Severus Snape, that prat. Why'd he say such things? It isn't enough that he knows about me being a werewolf and gives me weird looks all the time to make sure that I remember he knows and all, but now he's…calling me things. Do you know what he called me? He called me a bloodthirsty murderer. I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if I knew it was absolutely one hundred percent not true. But I don't. He could be right. I could've killed someone's child. I could've killed someone's mother. I could've killed someone who meant the world to another person, and I feel horrible for it! But there's nothing I can do now. I'm already locked up in the shrieking shack every full moon, except on the nights that James, Sirius, Peter and I go around Hogsmeade or the forest. But they keep me in check when we do that. I can't change the past, but I still feel horrible for it. That's not all he said, though…

If only I could be strong-minded and block out what other people say or thought about me. Snape said so many awful things to me today after our potion lesson. He said that I was a bloodthirsty murderer and that life was wasted on people like me. He said that I didn't deserve to live or be loved. Truly, things like this make me want to crawl up with a friendly bottle of pills and firewhiskey. Sirius always told me that I was strong. He'd say "One day, Remus is going to surprise both you and I, James. I'd put money on it." But James would only shake his head uselessly. I've always thought that James was right in this aspect.

James, Sirius, and Peter didn't even notice how upset I was. Don't they care? No. No one does. No one ever really did. I guess I've always been the "odd man out". James and Sirius are best friends and Peter has them to look up to and protect him. I'm just sort of there. I'm not the best looking out of all of us, I'm not the strongest, funniest, coolest…I'm just me. I guess everyone's always seen me as an accessory to compliment the others. That's all I am…that and a bloodthirsty murderer.

Snape knows another secret of mine. He knows who I like. Well, I'd say that I don't like the person. I love the person. I know the feelings I have are stronger than fancying…funny, isn't it. How my feelings about love can be so strong, yet in every other way, I'm weak. I remember what a clear day it had been. Sirius and I were in this very spot, bored, really. I had known that he was the person I fancied more than anyone else since we had become friends and he had accepted who…and what I was. I loved him more than anything I've ever loved before. And I still do.

We started talking about love… I had asked "Sirius, how do you know if you've fallen in love with someone?" He had looked down at his hands and asked why I wanted to know. I had replied that I was just wondering.

"Moony's got a crush, huh?" Sirius' voice had been so playful and low as a puppy's growl.

"Shut up," I replied.

"Moony's got a crush. Moony's got a crush. Moony's got a cru-" His voice had been in a sing-song voice until I had pounced on him, causing us to roll and wrestle until finally he overcame me. I can remember, even now, how my heart felt as if it'd beat right out of my chest as his hair brushed against my cheek while he pinned me to the ground, a triumphant smile on his face. "Now you have to tell me who, since I won the fight and all." I wonder how life would've turned out if I had been strong enough to win and overcome him. I would've never told him. Maybe things would've ended up differently. Maybe I wouldn't be sitting right here, right now if I had been strong enough to beat him…

"I like you, Sirius. I fancy you." Sirius' face went pale and his expression changed to a confused and worried look.

Since that day…nothing's been the same. We haven't talked to each other like we used to. James always wondered why we didn't like to be alone together, or why we changed behind our bed curtains after that point of time and I guess he never will. Sirius decided it'd be for the best if James and Peter didn't know about my crush. So I did as I was told.

It's killing me. I wish things would go back the way they used to be. I wish that I had won that wrestling match. I wish I were stronger than this. I've taken to writing to just forget about it. It's my only escape from reality. Every minute I spend reading or writing is one less minute to be filled up with thoughts of him.

You know…after I told him that I loved him, he didn't say anything other than not to mention it to anyone. He didn't say whether he loved me too or if he was uncomfortable about it. He was silent. I'd do anything to know what he was thinking on that day in those moments of silence.

This'll be the last you hear from me, Sirius. Even if you never loved me, I always loved you. And I hope that if you ever feel lonely or that no one cares…I just hope that you'll remember me in those times. Now Sirius. Now, I'm going to be strong. I am a rock.

With Love,

Remus.

Remus closed his journal and lay it softly on the snowy ground next to him. Carefully, he took out two items from his shoulder bag. From a dormitory window, he had no clue a certain black-haired boy was watching him. As he washed the pills down with firewhiskey, Sirius was hoping that Remus knew that he loved him too. It was for the best, he thought, to keep things silent and shelter Remus from ridicule.