Leash

He was going to kill Lily. The day after the Order meeting, she'd sent over a bottle of a translucent blue potion with a note that read, "Whenever it becomes necessary." Remus stopped reading then. He didn't want to know what was in the bottle. He'd frowned and tossed it and the note into his school trunk with the other potion she'd given him. At this point, nothing was necessary. When they were alone, Sirius willingly submitted to just about anything he wanted, within the prescribed boundaries. It was exactly what Remus had thought about all these years. Minus those boundaries. And the fact that his heart wasn't in it.

It was foolish, really. No matter how his heart raced or his body responded, Remus knew that look in Sirius's eyes was inspired purely by the physical connection they'd quickly developed. Their friendship and any affection associated with it was separate. It was as if a wall protected the innocent feelings they shared with James and Peter from the secret that enveloped them whenever they were in a room alone.

And Remus was all right with it. As much as he could be. But there were times, in the middle of the night when Sirius held him in an unconscious tight embrace or when he whispered his name and whimpered in pleasure, Remus knew there could be more. He yearned for it. He felt Sirius fighting against it. All the while he knew it was no closer to happening than it had been before their first kiss. He blamed Lily's knowing expressions for the questions that assailed him whenever he let himself think about it too much.

Remus was slowly drawing close to his personal breaking point. The further they want along, the weaker Remus felt when they were alone. There were moments when they kissed when he felt like nothing could be more perfect than what they already had. He'd wanted to be patient with Sirius, but after a week of touching and tasting with all the passion of a man who felt it to his bones, Remus felt he was no closer to getting Sirius to reciprocate than he was to forcing him to admit he felt more than curiosity. It was a dangerous game they played. Remus interacted with Sirius as if every touch was a part of some elaborate, meaningless act--as if Sirius meant no more to him than that sixth year Ravenclaw he'd shared a night with, but he had to squeeze out every moment of pleasure he could.

He just couldn't force himself to get used to feeling such intense pleasure with someone he felt close to without their being in a traditional relationship. There were many moments when he closed his eyes and pretended he was the type who could be this close to a friend and not feel anything change between them. But it was one thing to spend a passionate night with a virtual stranger, it was quite another to kiss someone he'd shared almost half his life with and ignore the intimacy between them when others were around. He hated feeling like Sirius's favorite new plaything. It was if a pane of glass separated them--he could see what he wanted on the other side, but in breaking the glass, someone would get hurt. At this point, that much seemed inevitable.

As time passed, the line between innocent friendship and the indistinguishable nowhere that categorized his feelings for Sirius became blurred. Soon, he knew it would disappear altogether. Then he would really be in trouble. At that point, no amount of rationalization was going to convince his heart that all of this passion was meant to lead to nothing. Sirius could come around one day. Maybe. It was Lily who made Remus see how close he was to losing himself to this fantasy.

"I see you're doing that brooding thing again," she said as she watched him conjure water into the teapot. "What did he do this time?"

Remus turned to her as she entered the kitchen. His frown was there for a number of reasons. Trust her to pick the one he wasn't willing to talk about. He turned away from her and tapped the side of the teapot with his wand to heat the water. Remus could feel Lily's eyes on him as he ignored her. He waved his wand at a nearby cannister and several teabags floated onto the tray in front of him. Several more waves and sugar, milk and several cups collected on the tray. "Sirius hasn't done anything," he said, finally.

"That's what has you frustrated, isn't it?" Lily asked. "I tried to warn you, but--"

"Would you just drop it?" Remus's frown deepened. He lowered his voice. "I'm really not in the mood to talk about it," he said. His voice was only slightly calmer, but he couldn't help himself. The last thing he needed was someone giving voice to the insecurities he was trying to suppress. It was far too soon for him to expect anything of substance from Sirius, if he could ever expect that. Remus sighed when Lily's hand met his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I just want this to work out for you. For however long." Lily paused, waiting for Remus to say something. "I'll take the tray." Before she could levitate it from the room, Remus turned to her again.

"Wait."

She lowered the tray to the counter again. Remus could've hugged Lily then. She knew how hard this was for him and yet her expression didn't change. She merely turned to him, leaned one hip against the counter and waited. He sighed heavily.

"Am I crazy for wanting more than this?" Remus asked. "I know what he's like...but I can't help myself." Lily squeezed his shoulder. "You don't know. Things between us have been great, but there's something missing. It's probably just me." He closed his eyes. "I want him to stop acting like I'm some secret he has to be afraid of James and everyone finding out. He's so paranoid about people finding out we've even kissed, I don't think he realizes how he comes across."As if he hates himself for what he feels, Remus thought. "Maybe if he wasn't so afraid, he could just let things happen." Remus opened his eyes again to find Lily watching him, her eyes full of the pity he'd been trying to avoid for weeks.

"I don't know what to say to make you feel better," she said. "I should just tell James myself and end the bloody suspense," Lily remarked; she rolled her eyes. "If you really think Sirius is worth attempting something more than a fling with, you should say something to him. That was your problem before, wasn't it? You were attracted to him and afraid to let him know. Now that he knows, you have a chance of getting somewhere. If you're patient." She frowned. "Why am I saying if? You probably have too much patience for your own good." Lily sighed as Remus's frown deepened. "Of course, how far you get is partially up to Sirius. You know he's never been this close to another man. It's probably not easy to think about anything more than kissing, certainly not feelings."

"Hey, look, I never said anything about feelings," Remus protested. "I just want..." I just want to drive him crazy that way he's done me. And I don't want him to feel ashamed of it. I want to feel like this could be more than just a fantasy I don't want to wake from. I want the reality to match that fleeting look in his eyes. He swallowed hard. He didn't want to admit any of that. Lily could probably read it on his face, but saying it out loud would only make it worse. It would make his potential heartbreak real.

"I don't think he'll ever have feelings for me," Remus said. "I'm not quite that crazy yet."

"It's not crazy," Lily said. "There's an expression he has when he's around you sometimes. The way he smiles at you, other things," she added as Remus looked down.

He knew that look. It was feeding that small spark of hope deep in his heart. He wanted to believe in it too, but didn't know if he could trust what he was seeing as honest and not just what he wanted. It was difficult to reconcile the thought that it could be both.

"I've never seen him look at anyone else that way," Lily stated. She smiled. "The potential is there. You just have to be man enough to force the issue."

"Man enough?" Remus's eyes narrowed. "Are you kidding? This has been killing me!"

"And the wait is killing me," Sirius said from the doorway. "What is with you two? Always holed up somewhere whispering about something or other. What is it this time?"

"The McKinnons," Lily responded promptly. Remus blinked hard as she continued her lie. "Remus feels guilty because he couldn't talk the family into going into hiding after they started getting those threats. I keep telling him it isn't his fault, a lot of people are being stubborn." Their gazes met. "They want to pretend like what's going on under the surface isn't going to affect them in the long run."

He turned away from her. Sometimes, Remus really hated when she was right. He hated it more when she knew it and wouldn't let something go. She needed to let him have his self-delusions. If he wanted to believe this constant throbbing headache was because of the approaching full moon, not from the thought of getting Sirius to admit he felt more than lust, she should let him.

"She's right, you know," Sirius said. He crossed the room in several long strides. His hand rested on Remus's shoulder. "Like Dumbledore said, there's nothing any of us could've done. I'm just grateful most of them survived. I hope they've thought about protecting themselves a little more now."

Lily nodded. "After what happened to her brother, Marlene is convinced joining the Order is the only way to keep her younger sister safe. Her parents finally agreed," Lily said. "Sad to say, that's how we're getting a lot of people to think about it these days. Everyone who used to be afraid to publicly come out against Voldemort is now banding together out of necessity. I just wish so many of them weren't in denial. We could protect ourselves better if we all openly fight against what's going on."

"Sometimes it feels easier to protect oneself by waiting to see how bad it's going to get before taking action. You know, assess the problem before running in head first," Remus said.

Sirius slipped his arm around Remus's shoulder and pulled him into a loose one-armed hug. At this gesture, Lily smirked. She cleared her expression before Sirius noticed. "Try a little bravery, Moony," Sirius said. "That approach usually works best. I'd rather take a chance and get my hands dirty than be too afraid to fight for what needs to be done. I've always gotten what I want that way."

"We should all be fighting for what we want to happen," Lily said. She smiled at Remus. Her meaning wasn't lost on him, she could be as subtle as a Bludger to the head when she wished, but Sirius only saw that she was agreeing with him. "I'm going to take the tray out," she said.

Remus followed her quickly. He could only imagine the expression on her face if he and Sirius stayed in the kitchen alone for more than a few seconds. Of course, from the way Sirius had been leaning against him, those gray eyes staring into his, she wouldn't be wrong to assume Remus would take the opportunity to sneak in a kiss or three. After Lily lowered the tray to the table, Remus busied himself pouring cups for everyone. He handed one to Sirius first and then turned; Remus rolled his eyes as Lily smirked again. She sat next to James and leaned against him.

James raised an eyebrow at her expression. "What's with you?"

She shook her head and her grin widened.

James looked around the room. Remus was pouring tea with shaking hands and Sirius was watching James interrogate his girlfriend, his expression stormy. He turned back to Lily.

"Something is going on. What is it?"

"Oh, all right!" She looked over to Remus and smiled. "I'm sorry, but I can't not saying anything. There's no reason he shouldn't know. Remus--" And then nothing. James watched Lily move her mouth in silence for a few seconds before he turned and spotted Remus with his wand trained on her.

"Care to tell me what this is about?" James asked.

"Lily knows something about me and she promised she'd keep my confidence," Remus answered. "A Silencing Charm will be the least of her worries if she says anything." As James opened his mouth to protest, Remus added, "I don't care if she's your girlfriend. You know how I feel about people talking about my private life."

"People? We're your friends," James said. "If something is wrong with you--"

"Nothing's wrong," Remus said. "And it's none of your business. Drop it. Both of you," he said, waving his wand in Lily's direction.

James turned to Sirius, knowing his friend was about to weigh in with his opinion. But the other man just leaned back on the sofa, calmly sipping his tea. James shook his head, chucking softly. "You're so damned sensitive. That time of the month already?" He shot another glance over to Sirius, knowing his friend was about to share in the frequent joke. Sirius met his gaze with a cool stare; white-knuckled hands gripped his tea cup.

James picked up his own cup; his gaze drifted back and forth between the two of them before settling on Lily. She was eyeing Remus over her own drink, her smile faint. She could smirk all she wanted, as far as Remus was concerned. As long as she didn't do anything to alienate Sirius any further. He had to become comfortable with what was happening on his own.

Remus landed on his back on the grass, grinning. He'd spent another few nights running under the full moon with Sirius, each morning getting closer and closer to begging him to relieve the tension that only grew between them. It was the best kind of frustration, growing closer to him this way. The more time they spent together, the more he started to believe Lily might be right; there was a lot more between them than Sirius was willing to admit, all he had to do was push for a confession. Of course, the safe route, which carried a higher chance of success, was to just let things happen and not force Sirius to put a name on it.

Shortly after Remus had tranformed, he leaned up on one elbow, only to be tackled back onto the grass by a bounding black dog. The enthusiastic dog began licking his face; Remus laughed and feebly attempted to push him away. The playful licking turned into kisses as Sirius returned to his human form. The warm body above his became the sleek and muscular form of the man he lived with. The lazy, sleepy feeling threatening to take over his body disappeared; his body was warmed by the sunlight beaming down on them as much as the friction growing between them. Within seconds Remus had gone from hunter to prey, a position he was hoping to savor.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked. What he wanted to ask was, 'What are you saying to me now?' They were on the grass at the edge of the valley, naked, and Sirius was sending the strongest signals he'd ever sent that the next part of their relationship wasn't a vague possibility so much as on the verge of happening. Right then. When Remus was feeling far too weak to control himself if Sirius suddenly changed his mind. With the grass imprinting on his back and the sun warming his face, he felt truly relaxed and happy for the first time in days; he gave himself over to the delicious tension.

"What does it feel like I'm doing?" Sirius asked. Their lips met. Remus leaned up and grabbed Sirius's hair as he began to pull back; Sirius swatted his hand away. "You're always so greedy." He moved lower and grinned as the movements of his mouth elicited a soft moan. Sirius's tongue ran along the column of Remus's neck before he leaned up to whisper, "You have no idea the thoughts you put into my head."

I know what he's doing, Remus thought. He's trying to kill me. He's all over me, naked and expects that I'll just lay here and...melt into the grass. He has no idea what he's playing with. Remus closed his eyes and dug his fingers into the soft earth beneath them.

"Tell me what you think about," Remus said. His voice was shaking, hoarse. Sirius had brought their faces flush against one another; stubble grazed Remus's cheek.

Sirius kissed his neck and Remus could feel his hands shaking as they moved against his chest. "I think about how it feels to be close to you like this. It's strange, but I never imagined I'd like it this much." He laughed softly; Remus felt his chest shaking and warm breath against his neck. "I don't even know how you get me to talk about things like this." His hand moved over Remus's stomach. Remus moaned again. "Especially when the last thing on my mind right now is talking."

"Maybe you should find something else to do with your mouth," he whispered. No sooner had he made the suggestion than Sirius took him up on it, moving his mouth down, working his tongue until Remus tossed his head back and sighed.

A movement on the edge of his vision caught Remus's attention and his eyes widened. Peter stood at the edge of the valley, his expression one of surprise and amusement. Before Remus could react, he moved back towards the stairs and disappeared into the shadows. A minute later, he heard a faint click as the door to the kitchen closed.

As Remus began to wonder how long their friend had been there and how Sirius would react when he found out, Sirius slipped a hand between Remus's legs and all conscious thought left his mind. It could all wait. Every concern, the insecurities, the stupid boundaries they never should've had to begin with. All Remus wanted was to savor this moment, however long it would last.