Leash

Well, fuck. No, that wasn't what had happened with Sirius. That was the thought pulsating through Remus's mind when he'd stopped just short, leaving the werewolf more than a little frustrated. Remus had found satisfaction of a sort, Sirius had seen to that, but they hadn't quite gotten where he'd wanted to be. At least it was further than he ever imagined he would get when he moved in with Sirius; that was something he could hold onto.

Then there was Peter. Sirius hadn't seen him that morning, Remus was grateful for that much. He'd done everything short of threatening Wormtail to keep the secret when he'd gone upstairs. Peter had acted as normal when Sirius joined them and over the past month had managed not to do or say anything that would give away that he knew their secret. Remus knew it was only a matter of time before they were exposed. He would have to tell Sirius soon. Especially with Lily bursting into spontaneous giggling whenever they looked at each other across the room and Peter excusing himself every once in a while--Remus came to found out that he was leaving to laugh. Even he had noticed the change in the way Sirius and Remus interacted. Of course, it was possible they both saw the signs because they already knew, but Remus didn't know if that was entirely the case. If it was becoming that obvious, it would only be a matter of time before James figured it out and then he and Sirius could stop this game and act like a normal couple.

A couple. If anyone had told him before all this that he and Sirius would eventually fit that description, Remus would've wondered what spell had addled their thinking. As it was, they fit every definition of that title except the one thing Remus was yearning to experience with Sirius. At this point, he thought he might explode before he got the chance, but that wasn't going to stop him from wishing for more, however fruitless.

He sensed the empty space in the bed next to him before he opened his eyes. It had become a habit, waking up and panicking if Sirius wasn't next to him. Remus continued to convince himself the time he'd spent with Sirius would prove itself a dream, as unreal as it felt at moments. He wanted to tell himself to relax, but he began every day by thanking whatever powers there were that it wasn't a dream, Sirius was still willing and there was another chance to take things further than they already had. Spotting Sirius standing in front of the windows, Remus crossed the room, joining his boyfriend at the window to watch the sunrise.

Remus knew he was just under half a head shorter that Sirius, but he felt smaller than that as he stood behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist. His lips touched the back of Sirius's neck and he pressed his chest against the expanse of broad shoulders. Sirius tensed briefly before relaxing in his arms. His legs shifted as Remus fitted against the back of his body, molding to Sirius as if he'd always been there, standing behind him, listening to his heart beat.

Then he knew. Remus loved Sirius. It wasn't something he had to think about, exactly, but this was the first time he'd been conscious of the feeling. It wasn't a question. It felt like a universal truth that had always been, like the sun rising every morning and the way Remus's heart lifted every time Sirius smiled at him. Thinking it made him want to say it, just to see the look in Sirius's eyes and hear him say it back, though the latter was impossible.

"It's a little early to be awake on a Saturday," he said, his lips against Sirius's back. "Something on your mind?"

"Just thinking," Sirius responded. He turned and leaned down to kiss Remus. "What's your excuse?"

That was as good a lead-in as any. If he going to do it, he had better tell him while he had the nerve. "I..." Ooh, he'd almost said it. I love you. No. There was no way he could let those words pass through his lips. Not if he didn't want Sirius to run screaming in the opposite direction. Of course, there was the infinitesmally small chance he would reciprocate, but Remus wouldn't let himself go there. Not if he didn't want to needlessly obsess about the possibility for weeks.

"You...?" Sirius raised both eyebrows.

"I have something to tell you," Remus said slowly.

"What's going on?"

He took a deep breath. He knew Sirius was going to take this harshly, given how he had reacted when Remus suggested telling their friends weeks before. It was just a matter of getting him to see the positive side. Any negative feelings he had could dissipate quickly and then they could get on with their lives. "All right, I don't want you to overreact to this. It's not a big deal. Just something you should know."

"Out with it already."

"Wormtail knows about us." Several beats passed in silence before Remus continued. "See, I told you. It's not that big a--"

"How long?" Sirius asked. His voice was cold. "You know he can't keep a secret to save his life."

Oh, you mean other than that I'm a werewolf, you're all Animagi and the dozen or so pranks we were never caught doing at school? He's a regular chatterbox.

"O-over a month," Remus said. "He's quite capable of keeping a secret if it's an important one, as you well know. He didn't let on to James or you. Peter doesn't care. He's happy that--"

"Why'd you tell him?" Sirius frowned. There was a flicker in his eyes that could mean he was hurt...or on the verge of a screaming fit. Both? The last thing Remus wanted was to turn this into a fight; there was no way to tell how that would end. Sirius had to calm down.

"I didn't," Remus assured him. "He walked in on us one day, when we were at the edge of the valley." He paused, waiting for Sirius to remember. "The first time you--"

"Oh." His voice was still a bit stiff, but the corners of his mouth had crept up into a small smile. Sirius's eyes narrowed. "Did you know he was there? How long? And why didn't you stop me?"

Remus put up a hand at the flood of questions. "Honestly, I don't know how long he was there. I think he just popped in and out." Remus grinned. "And as for why I didn't stop you, if I recall, you did call me greedy." He leaned forward and ran his fingers down Sirius's chest, stopping at the top of his pajama bottoms. He gripped the fabric in his hands and pulled the other man forward until they stood hip to hip. "You were quite right about that," he whispered. "There was no way in hell I was going to interrupt what had to be one of the best moments in my life." He leaned up and pressed their lips together.

After a few moments, Sirius pulled away from him and pushed him back with both hands. "Still, you should've said something. Even later," he said. "Why didn't you tell me Peter knew before now?"

Remus frowned. "Frankly, I don't care and neither do they. That's what I've been trying to tell you. They're our friends. They're not going to judge us. They're happy you're--" Dating someone? No. Teasing me relentlessly, night after night? True, but not quite right. In love? Gods, no. "You're spending time with someone," he said finally. "Letting James know wouldn't be the end of the world."

"I'm not so sure about that." Sirius began pouting.

"What is your problem?" Remus took a deep breath. That petulant look was the last straw. "This is what's going to happen," he began. "You're going to tell James. Today," he added when Sirius crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Stop this craziness."

"Or what?"

Or what? Well, that was a good question. Remus'd had no idea what the threat would be when he'd begun his ultimatum. Too strong and he'd never follow through with it. Too weak and Sirius would ignore it as he had the previous pleas to take their relationship public. But that was the problem, wasn't it? He'd been asking all this time when he should've been demanding. He'd demanded Sirius's respect before and gotten it. This time, there was more at stake than being subjected to teasing.

"Either you tell him and take this seriously," he said, motioning between them, "or everything stops. All the games. Everything we do together. No more secrets. This has already gone on too long and there's no excuse for it to continue. I've put up with it, but we can't go on like this indefinitely. Make a choice."

A choice that would, in effect, force Sirius to tell his best friend, the one person he was closer to than Remus, what was going on between them. The secret he found so difficult to deal with, he shut down every time Remus suggested telling James. Remus had found it hard to look Sirius in the eye when he'd made his demand, but he knew it had to be done. After a few seconds of silence, Remus looked up; his heart sank at what he saw.

"That settles it then. I think this has run its course," Sirius said. He looked down at his shaking hands. "I think we've gotten to the point where there's nowhere else to go. I know that's the only reason you're saying this. You think telling James is suddenly going to change things between us." He looked up. "I may have slipped a few times, but I am not doing that. I'm not going that far with you. Ever."

Remus took a step back. He was hallucinating. That was the only logical explanation for Sirius saying something so ugly to him in that condescending tone. After everything that had happened, there was no way he could mean it. "I don't understand you," he said finally. "After what's gone on between us, you don't think there could be more? There is so much more to us than kissing and the occassional slip on your part. I know you feel that."

There were several long beats of silence before Sirius said, "Have you ever thought you're seeing what you want to see because you've wanted it for so long?"

The question hung in the air between them. Remus waited for Sirius to take it back; he waited to hear himself deny it. He waited to feel his denial was true before he forced himself to say it. Finally, he took another step back and stared at the space between his feet. He couldn't deny that Sirius had been fighting further physical intimacy between them every chance it was possible. He'd wanted to believe there was more behind every kiss and touch than Sirius wanting Remus to fulfill some shallow fantasy, but he had little proof of that.

"I'm sorry to break it to you like this," Sirius said. "Whatever you thought you felt between us--I tried, but I don't feel the same. I don't think I can. I will admit, the physical part of it was fun for a while, but there will never be more to it than that for me. And the more people who know, the more likely they, and you, will expect something that's just not going to happen." He paused to study a spot over Remus's shoulder before meeting his eyes again. "I don't want you to be mad at me. And you don't have to move out," he said, before Remus could think to offer. "I can't do this anymore. You expect to have more one day and I can't give that to you. Just don't hate me."

"No, that's--this is how you feel and that's fine. I just wanted you to be honest about how you feel," Remus said. He backed away a few more steps. He blinked hard as his eyes began to tear. "I can't say I'm not disappointed, but it's...I sort of expected it would happen one day," he finished in a halting whisper. He turned and began to walk out of the bedroom.

He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to break down and find somewhere to curl into a ball and wish for death. Remus stopped short in the doorway. Sirius had just told him their time together meant as much to him as one of the girls he'd tossed away like a used handkerchief when they were at Hogwarts. And here he was, slinking away with his tail between his legs. Remus turned back. "You know what? No."

Sirius stared at him, his eyes wide.

Remus stalked across the room. "You're always ragging on everyone else about standing up to things and facing their fears, but you can be the biggest coward when it comes to getting close to someone. You've done it so many times it's second nature." Remus stopped in front of Sirius and shoved him in the chest. His hip thumped against the window sill.

"Ow! What--?"

"You can't act like our chemistry is all in my head because you're too scared of where it might lead. It'll probably lead somewhere damn good, but you never considered that when you started this, did you?" He pointed a finger in accusation. "It's not just about lust or these stupid games and you and I both know it, even if you're too afraid to admit it. I'm not going to tiptoe around you anymore."

"Remus, I--"

"Shut up." He closed the distance between them and brought their lips together in a bruising kiss. Remus pushed Sirius against the window, grasping his face in both hands as he pressed their bodies together. Sirius began to push at his shoulders. Seconds later, his hands moved over the bare skin as he began kissing Remus back.

"You really are maddening, you know that?" Sirius asked as Remus pulled him onto the bed.

"You know that's what you love about me," he said just before kissing him again. This was it. They would finally, finally get what they needed from one another. By the time they'd dispensed with their clothes, their kisses had changed from the fevered, angry touches borne of their argument to a slow melding of lips and tongues. Hands performed leisurely caresses, while sighs and whispered encouragements filled the air between gasps and the contented moans that followed. As their eyes met, Remus heard himself whisper the words he'd promised to keep to himself. He didn't regret it. Every moment they were joined, he felt Sirius answer in kind and afterwards, as he closed his eyes and listened to his lover's heart beat, he knew it had been right to fight for them. This had been worth fighting for.

Feeling Sirius stir against him woke Remus out of his deep sleep. "Again?" he asked. "I thought you wanted to rest." The low laugh he got in response brought a smile to his face.

"What I want," Sirius began as he snaked an arm around his waist, "is to give you a few vials of Strengthening Solution so you won't fall asleep until tomorrow." He kissed Remus on the back of the neck and pulled him close. "It's not even half over and I already know I don't want this day to end."

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to hear you say something like that." Remus turned in his arms.

Sirius chuckled again. "I have an idea. You know, I like it when you get all worked up like that." He moved until his lips were against Remus's ear. "It's sexy." Remus felt the rumble of Sirius's voice low on his spine. Sirius kissed his neck. "You should be aggressive a little more often."

"Mm, maybe after lunch," Remus suggested. "For now, I think we both need something to eat."

"I have something you can put in your mouth," Sirius whispered. Remus had begun laughing when Sirius pulled him close for a kiss. He wanted to do something silly like thank him, but all he could do was lose himself in Sirius again, each moment more delicious than the first. Several minutes later, he pushed Sirius backwards, making the other man groan in protest; he slid across the bed until he'd reached the edge and slipped out quickly.

"I don't know what I started with you," he said, laughing as he pulled his pants on. "If I don't get out of here soon, you'll never let me out of bed."

"I thought that was the point," he said. Sirius smiled and the leash he had on Remus pulled that much tighter. He threw the covers back. At the sight before him, Remus briefly considered jumping back in. "If you're not back in five minutes, I'm coming after you." He licked his lips. "As a matter of fact, you should bring the whipped topping back with you."

Remus zipped up his jeans and headed for the door. Right. As if we need to get the sheets even stickier. Remus jogged down the hallway and onto the stairs, speeding up when he heard the doorbell sound. Opening the door, he froze in place, his carefree smile quickly replaced by a frown.

"What are you doing here?"

Regulus raised one eyebrow. He looked like his brother in many ways, darkly handsome but with an angular sharpness to his features that Sirius didn't possess. He towered over Remus on the front stoop. "I see no one's bought you a flea collar yet. Where's my brother? I need to talk to him." He tried to shoulder his way through the doorway; an invisible barrier barred the entrance, forcing him to regain his footing quickly as he stumbled back.

Remus chuckled. "I'm the one you treat like an animal and yet the house recognizes your allegiance to something inhuman. Funny how that works." He leaned forward and inhaled deeply. "I shouldn't be surprised. You have his stink on you."

"Where's my brother?" he repeated. He glanced around Remus to peer into the house.

"You don't have a brother anymore. You lost the right to call him that a long time ago," Remus said. "Leave."

"What are you, his guard dog?" Regulus asked. "I don't want to fight you, but I will if I have to."

Remus motioned to the doorjamb between them. "I'd like to see you try."

Before Regulus could respond, they heard the thunder of footsteps coming down the stairs, quickly drowned out by a shout from Sirius. "Fuck, Moony. What's taking so long? If someone's trying to chat his way into our bed, tell him to make an appointment. I'm not ready to share." Sirius entered the foyer then, a casual smile dying on his lips when he saw his brother in the doorway. He crossed his arms over his bare chest as he stepped next to Remus. "What are you doing here?"

Regulus smiled slowly, his eyes drifting back and forth between the shirtless pair. "I'm...interrupting. Never would have guessed it of you." He leaned back and appeared to study the couple. "I suppose I should have known, with your Animagus form being a dog. Only a matter of time before you started fucking an animal."

In a flash, Sirius had drawn his wand. Regulus flew backwards, a throaty scream erupting from him. Seconds later, he was on his feet, his wand aimed at his brother. He spit a mouthful of blood onto the sidewalk and strode towards the door again. Pushing Sirius back with one hand, Remus slammed the door closed with his other.

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked. "I want to settle this now."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Remus said. He leaned back against the door. "You really want to fight your brother in broad daylight in a Muggle neighborhood?"

"No, I want to kill him," he responded. "He had no right talking about you that way. He had no reason to be here at all. Regulus hasn't spoken to me since I moved out. I don't know why he'd bother now."

"I'm sure I can guess. Voldemort will never stop wanting us to change sides."

"Hm, well sending my beloved brother over here is a great way to persuade me," Sirius remarked. His tone was sharp, but Remus could tell from the way his breathing had changed that he'd already begun to calm down. Fast, considering how wound up he'd been moments before. Seconds later, Sirius slammed his fist into the wall next to the door, creating a large hole. Swearing, he pulled his hand back. Bits of plaster stuck inside small bleeding cuts all over his hand.

"Shit! I didn't think--" Sirius swore again and cradled his arm to his chest.

Remus pulled out his wand and, holding his wrist, began cleaning the wound. "When we get back upstairs, you're going to tell me why you're so intent on taking your anger out in the most violent way possible." He did his best to heal the small cuts before turning Sirius toward the stairs and giving him a small push towards them. "Get back in bed, I'll be up in a few minutes."

On his way back to the bedroom, Remus stopped at his own room. Something told him he'd need one of the potions Lily had provided him. A couple of drops to get Sirius to finally open up wouldn't hurt anything. After adding a dose to a butterbeer on the tray, Remus reentered the master bedroom. Sirius was sitting against the headboard, a frown etched deep in his face. Remus levitated the tray to the table next to the bed. Sitting next to him, he handed Sirius his drink and waited until he took several long sips before asking, "Ready to talk about it now?"

"It's my fault, you know." Sirius raised the butterbeer to his lips and drained the bottle.

"What's your fault?" Remus put the plate between them on the bed and handed half of the sandwhich on it to Sirius.

"Regulus," he said between bites. "Everything's a fucking mess. I never told you, I thought about taking him. After I left." He reached around Remus for another drink on the tray. Popping it open, Sirius drained it in one long gulp. "I thought if Walburga had a problem with it, she could break in here and get him back herself, after a hell of a fight." Sirius shook his head. "I let James talk me out of it. Told me if I could handle what was going on in that house, he could handle it. That he would--" Sirius stopped speaking and swallowed hard. Remus put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing when Sirius tensed. "I can't shake the feeling that he wouldn't be a Death Eater if I had stayed."

"You can't blame yourself," Remus said. "You don't know that you could have stopped him."

"There's a chance," Sirius countered. "I could've tried harder to be an influence, something to counter my mother and all that Pureblood nonsense. You don't know what it was like living in that house."

"No, but I have an idea. I know how much it killed you when you had to go back there until you started spending holidays at school and with the Potters after your father died. No one would've expected you to put yourself through hell any longer, for anyone's sake."

"But it's not just anyone, it's my brother," Sirius said. "I would do the same for you, for any of you." He fell back against the headboard. "Now there's nothing I can do. He's lost and that bastard is going to turn him into a killer, if he hasn't already."

Remus didn't know how to respond to that. He could only imagine what it was like for Sirius to lose contact with the one person he'd been able to call family after leaving the Black home. Not only did he have to see what Regulus had become, he'd felt helpless to stop it and even more so now, seeing the kind of man his brother willingly followed. Remus could only equate it to the kind of soul-shattering loss he would feel if anything happened to his friends. They were the only family he had, the family he'd chosen, long before he knew they'd eventually be better for him than the family he'd been born into. And Remus knew that if anything corrupted any of them as deeply as it had Regulus, his own despair at the situation would be inconsolable.

Sirius clasped his hand. "Let's not talk about that anymore." There was a false cheer to his voice, thin but holding just the same. Remus chose to ignore it. "Now that we've had something to eat, I say we get back enjoying ourselves."

Remus ducked to the side as Sirius attempted to kiss him. "When are you going to tell James?"

"Why do you insist I tell him?"

"I don't know, maybe because he's your best friend, the one person whose opinion you trust more than anyone else's and you're keeping the biggest secret of your life from him," Remus responded. "Don't you think he deserves to know?"

"I think it's no one's business," Sirius said.

Remus swore under his breath. He busied himself removing the plate from the bed and siphoning breadcrumbs from the bedcovers. Anything to avoid looking Sirius in the eye. So much for that stupid potion. If he couldn't tell the truth now, there really was no hope for them.

"It really bothers you, doesn't it?"

Remus shrugged the hand off his shoulder. "What was your first clue?"

"Look, I'm sorry. I don't know how to deal with this," Sirius said. "At first it was easy, because I knew all you wanted was to kiss me, maybe play around a little. That's all I wanted too. And then you made me--"

Remus turned around then, hopeful that Sirius would finally say what he wanted to hear. You made me love you, in spite of myself.

"You made me see everything differently," Sirius whispered. "I wanted to believe that I could be with you like I would anyone else, and that it would mean just as much."

"Or as little," Remus put in.

"All right, I deserve that. I know I haven't been fair to you. I wasted so much time trying to convince myself that I felt nothing and none of it meant more than what was happening in that moment. You never let me do that. And I couldn't let...I mean, I didn't want James or anyone to see me differently," Sirius said.

"They'll see what you want them to see."

"No, they'll see a so-called ladies man who used to make fun of people like you become the biggest kind of hypocrite." He looked down at his hands. "They'll see that I haven't got the first clue what I'm doing with you, but I'll be damned if I know how to stop myself. And I don't want to." He looked across the room, his expression troubled. "I don't even know who I am anymore, how do I expect my friends to?"

Remus crawled back into the bed. At this point he didn't know if this confession was because of the potion or if Sirius was talking of his own volition. Frankly, Remus didn't care. It was enough that he wasn't alone in this. He clasped Sirius's arm until the other man looked at him. "Sirius, you have to let go of all these expectations you think other people have of you. You wouldn't be the first person to like being with women and men."

"I don't like being with men, I like being with you," Sirius said. "I'm pretty sure you're the only one I will ever be with this way. I don't know what that says about me."

"It says that, for now, you're happy," Remus responded. "To hell with anyone else if they have a problem with that. That includes James if you think he'll have something to say about it," he added. "They don't have to understand it. It's not possible for everyone to accept us as we are, but what kind of friends would we be if we never gave them the chance?"

Sirius stared at him for a long moment, thinking over those words. "Have I ever told you, I hate when you make so much sense?"

Remus laughed at that, letting his body relax for the first time since he'd woken from his nap. He let Sirius pull him into his arms then, and then into a kiss, and then under the cool sheets to remind him that he had for more important things to do than debate with Sirius over the merits of true friendship. He had to make up for wasted time.