Leash

Self-absorbed asshole. No, Remus thought. I shouldn't have gone into his bedroom without knocking. I know better. We'd talked about the bloody boundaries I wanted and the first thing I did was violate them because I wanted to talk to him and make myself feel better. Remus sighed. That's a lost cause.

Admitting the facts wasn't making him feel better about how his morning had begun. Thankfully, his day had greatly improved during his training at Flourish and Blotts. By the time he left the store for the day, he had a fair knowledge of the vast inventory the bookstore carried and had even managed to close a difficult sale of a collector's item--a Muggle desk lamp. If Remus had known trivial items that could be found in any library were worth that kind of money, he might have packed a few more things before leaving his parent's house.

As for his new home...Remus was looking forward to returning as much as he wanted to see Sirius and the two girls he'd brought home tangled up in each other again. It had taken hours, and quite a few cups of strong tea, to banish that image from behind his eyelids every time he blinked, but he finally managed to pretend it was a particularly horrific nightmare from which he had been spared by leaving the house early. Remus had convinced himself. Really. Until he walked into the kitchen and spotted Sirius leaning against the refrigerator, nursing a drink. There were a number of light scratches along his face and neck and a dark purple bruise running adjacent to the column of his throat. He smiled as Remus walked into the room.

"How's the real world treating you? Fancy a drink?" He lifted the tumbler in a salute.

"Fine," Remus stated flatly. "And no." He glanced towards the windows. Bright afternoon sunlight streamed through and lit one half of the vast kitchen. "It's a bit early in the day for firewhiskey. Did you find you needed a drink today?"

Sirius smirked. "No, I was quite relaxed for most of today, thank you. Just thought I'd try to get a bit of liquid back into my body. Fun leaves me parched."

"Right." Remus sighed. He was not going to break down and scream at Sirius like a jealous ex-lover. Because he wasn't. He wasn't an ex-lover, at least. He was most certainly jealous, but he also wasn't about to admit that. Not that he needed to. The self-satisfied expression on Sirius's face as he downed the rest of his drink let Remus know none of what he was thinking was a secret.

Sirius lowered the tumbler and licked the last of his drink from his lips slowly. "Is there something you'd like to say to me?"

I don't suppose a hex counts?

"No." Remus forced himself to smile. This lie was going to haunt him later, he was sure of it. "Why should I have anything to say?"

"Good," Sirius said. He stood. "So we are really back to normal?"

"As far as I'm concerned, we never stopped being so." Maybe I will have that drink, after all, Remus thought as Sirius left him alone in the kitchen. Courage may come in a bottle sometimes, but he was pretty sure cowardice and a fair measure of salvaged pride could be found at the bottom of one as well. Even if it couldn't, he was damn sure going to pretend it could be. At least, until that little pain in his chest went away.

Sometime during that regrettable bout of drunkenness, Remus developed a plan. Perhaps it wasn't a plan so much as a collection of survival tactics if he was going to continue living in Sirius Black's home. First off, no more ogling. He'd already gotten more than an eyeful, but staring at Sirius even fully dressed was an unnecessary distraction. Second, for every sarcastic remark he received, Remus would give another, if not two. He had to prove to Sirius that he was not about to continue worshipping at the Black altar. Besides, something had to make their friendship feel normal again. Jokes were just the trick. Third, and most importantly, he had to create a social life for himself that didn't involve Sirius. This would be the most difficult. They shared the same friends and the only other person he felt as close to was Lily. If that wasn't a sign that he was in a sad state, Remus didn't know what was. Still, he had to get out and enjoy himself.

Lily had apparently agreed. She'd dragged him out the following Saturday night and forced him to dance until neither of them could stand without wincing over their sore feet. It was excusable, she'd commented, since he looked like he could use some tension relief. As Remus had eyed a few of the men in the club, he'd begun thinking of a different kind of relief. Which immediately brought his mind back to Sirius. Which, in turn, made him order another drink.

After spending another night like this with Remus a week later, Lily became determined to snap him out of his mood. Unfortunately, her idea to snap him out of his mood depended on the help of his friends. He'd been ambushed after coming home from work with a surprise impromptu dinner to belatedly celebrate his job. At least, that was the excuse Lily had given Sirius when she showed up with a large bag of groceries and her stammering boyfriend in tow. By the time Remus had made an appearance, Sirius had downed half a bottle of firewhiskey, James appeared to be looking for the nearest exist and Lily was creating a mess in the kitchen.

"Care to explain why half the house smells like garlic?" Remus asked as he entered the kitchen. He didn't want to mention the other smells coming from the room that rivaled some of the scents from Sirius's bedroom. Lily looked stressed enough.

She turned in his direction. Her long hair swirled around her shoulders, some of it clinging to her neck in damp clumps. Lily's forehead puckered as she frowned. "Damn it. I'd hoped to have dinner finished by the time you came home."

"So I gathered." Remus motioned his head towards the stove. "Need some help? James seems to think you're back here killing a few animals."

"He wouldn't be wrong," Lily said. She pointed to a pan where four raw pork chops lay covered in several cloves of chopped garlic and onions. "Remind me, how do you like yours again?"

"Raw and unseasoned," Remus answered. "You know, you don't have to do this. We've already had a dinner for me. I don't need all this fuss."

"Yes, but your friends weren't there," Lily reminded him. "And you've been so out of sorts later, I thought you could use some time together as a group."

"Right."

"And Sirius has been a moody bastard too," she said. Lily turned to the refrigerator and began pulling out raw vegetables for a salad. "Did you two have a fight?" she asked lightly.

"No," Remus said quickly. Lily heard something in his voice. She turned back to him, her eyes narrowed. "Don't."

"Don't what?" She put the vegetables onto a cutting board and reached into a cabinet for a bowl.

"I know what you're doing and no, I don't need your analysis tonight." He crossed the room and began rummaging inside the refrigerator.

"Don't bother, Sirius is working on the last bottle now," Lily said. "It appears you two have the same taste."

Hardly. That is the problem. Remus grabbed a bottle of orange juice and raised it to his lips. When he'd drained it, he turned to find Lily staring at him, a slight disapproving frown on her face. "I don't do this when I know other people are going to drink from it."

"That's not my concern and you know it. What is going on with you?"

"Didn't I just say I don't want to talk about it?"

"No," Lily said. "You don't want me to read you, and that's fine. But the past several times I've seen you, something has been wrong. I've never seen you like this. And if you can't talk to me about it, maybe you could try talking to one of the boys."

There's a brilliant idea. I can ask James why Sirius doesn't like me and in my next breath, ask Sirius the best method of seducing him.

"If there is anything going on with me, it's up to me how I deal with it," Remus said finally. "Please just leave it alone." He left the kitchen and escaped to his bedroom, silently hoping that Lily would respect his wishes.

Turns out, it wasn't Lily he had to worry about.

"Ah, His Highness is gracing us with his presence for dinner." Sirius smiled as Remus entered the dining room.

He sat across from James and smiled at Lily. "It looks wonderful. Thank you for doing this."

"What? No thank you for your host?" Sirius asked. Remus looked at the seat next to James and frowned. The firewhiskey bottle was empty, but Sirius had pulled out a bottle of wine from somewhere. "It would beat the silent treatment from you."

Remus glared at Sirius, but said nothing. After a few seconds, he turned to James and smiled. "Is it true you were asked to start Auror training even though you didn't complete the requirements at Hogwarts?"

James nodded. "Minister Bagnold sent me an owl this morning. I don't think it's personal. She's probably just trying to get close to someone who knows Dumbledore. She might approach one of you as well. Our former Headmaster's stopped responding to her messages for help again."

"I'm starting to think everything would be simpler if he'd just accept the Minister for Magic position," Lily said. "He's got a better handle on dealing with Voldemort than anyone."

"I think he's doing the right thing," Sirius said. "Wasn't it enough that he saved us all from what's-his-name a few years ago?"

"Grindelwald," Lily supplied.

"Now they expect him to save us from this madness? No." Sirius took a long drink of his wine. "I heard Dumbledore say once that he tried to warn the previous Headmaster when Voldemort was still a student. No one listened because he was such a model student. Bet they wished they'd listened now."

"I'm not sure they'd have stopped it even if they had paid closer attention," James said. "He was a smooth character, even then. And now Dumbledore's worried because his recruiting efforts are getting more aggressive. He wants us to meet with him tomorrow at seven."

"Us?" Remus asked.

"The entire Order of the Phoenix," James clarified. "He wants to exchange information from a few people in the Ministry and go over personal protection spells and ones we have over our homes."

"If people haven't learned protection spells by now, years after they've left school, what hope do we have in this war?" Sirius asked.

"We don't know that it'll come to a full on war," Lily stated. "We just need to keep ourselves safe."

"Lily, you're being too optimistic as usual," Sirius said. "It's a war we've got. Just remains to see how many people are going to die before it's over."

After that dark declaration, Remus largely tuned out the dinner conversation, only regaining interest when James mentioned that Peter was off with his new girlfriend.

"And you say this one's pretty?" Sirius asked. "She'd be an improvement over the last one then. I thought he might've done well to get her a collar for Valentine's Day."

James chuckled softly before he caught Lily's frown. "She's very pretty. Peter claims he likes her because she shares his interest in Transfiguration. Personally, I think he likes that he only reaches up to her shoulder," James lifted one hand to demonstrate. "Makes it easier to pretend he's listening when she's talking."

"As long as he's looking at her the whole time, and smiling," Sirius said, earning a grin from James. "Well, it's about time he found a girl who might actually pay him personal attention. I was starting to wonder if he only liked my stories because I'm in them."

"He likes them because they're good fiction," James said. "Honestly, if you'd slept with half the girls you claim to have been with, your bits would be rotting off by now."

"You're just jealous that you've never been able to pull them in the way I have. And no," Sirius added, "Before you say anything, I have not lost my touch. I recovered nicely from that little setback the other week." He grinned. Remus suddenly felt nauseated. He stood from his seat and began gathering the glasses onto a nearby tray.

"As a matter of fact, I'll tell you all about it once more sensitive listeners are gone," Sirius said.

"Don't spare your tale for me," Lily said. "If I was easily offended, I'd have given up on the lot of you years ago."

Sirius smiled. "Still, I hear women are sensitive about these things. Let's just say, a good time was had by all. As a matter of fact, they left me their numbers."

James choked out a cough. "They?"

Sirius nodded. "I might invite them over for a weekend encore now that we've all had a chance to rest up. Remus, do we have any whipped cream on hand? I think I've figured out what I want to follow dinner."

Face flushed, Remus directed all of the plates into his hands and walked briskly into the kitchen with the tray of glasses floating before him. He'd just lowered everything into the sink when the door opened and closed behind him. He looked over his shoulder. "Oh, it's you."

"That's the most flattering greeting I've gotten from you in ages." Lily moved to stand next to Remus. As he filled the sink with water, she leaned on her forearms against the counter and looked up at him.

"When are you going to tell him?"
"Tell who what?"

Lily smiled. "Tell your precious Padfoot how you feel."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Right. So it was my imagination that you were making eyes at him across the table. And pretty much any time you're in a room together. If I've been paying attention to the right signs, it's been going on for a while now."

"He's gorgeous," Remus stated. "You've done your fair share of staring at him, if I remember correctly."

"Trying to figure out how he gets his hair to lay like that." Lily smiled again and bumped Remus lightly with her elbow. "But this isn't about me. While the hopeless romantic in me would like to see you with someone, you do know there's a fairly good chance you'll get hurt, and with his habits, even more so if you never say anything." She studied him silently for a moment. "That is, if you haven't been already. That would explain your moods."

Remus sighed. "He wouldn't be interested," he whispered.

"Do you know that for sure?"

Remus thought of the way Sirius had looked at him several nights before. His expression was mocking as he told Remus how much he liked the teasing, in spite of his inability to deal with it. He looked over to Lily and saw that her smile had turned wistful. "I'm almost certain of it. Saying something would just make him uncomfortable." Or make him laugh. Again.

"Would your rather he did all the talking?"

"What do you mean?"

Lily glanced towards the kitchen door and then turned back to Remus. She slipped her right hand into her left sleeve and pulled out a small glass vial filled with a clear liquid.

"You expect me to give him Amortentia?"

"No," Lily said. "That's not what this is. The Ministry is working on a new formula for interrogation. A delicate mixture of a Babbling Beverage and a rather strong truth serum. Two drops of this and he'll tell you anything you want to know--and probably a few things you don't--for the better part of thirty minutes."

"You can't be serious. Where would you even get something like that?" Remus asked.

"The Auror in charge of this project buys his supplies from the shop." She grinned. "He saw James and I arguing last week and thought I might need this in case I ever grew suspicious."

Remus regarded her with wide eyes. "And?"

"And what? I trust James. I don't need to interrogate him about other women. No matter how many send owls in the dead of night." Lily rolled her eyes. "Plus, if he ever cheated, I'd hex him in ways from which he'd never recover. I'm giving this to you because I think a few drops could let you find out what you need to know without putting yourself out there. Though I do think the Gryffindor thing to do would be to confront him head-on."

"What are the two of you doing back here?" James called from the doorway. Lily hastily shoved the vial into Remus's hand and turned to her boyfriend. "Sirius seems to think I should start worrying about you stealing her from me," he said to Remus.

Remus grinned and slipped his hand into the front pocket of his trousers. "He must really be drunk then, forgotten my type already." He took a step forward. "You know I only have eyes for you."

"Don't say that too loudly, you know how jealous he gets. We're lucky he hasn't tried to put Lily out again."

"He's seen me hex someone when pushed," Lily stated as James walked over to her. She slipped her arm around his waist. "I don't think he wants to be on the receiving end of that."

"Receiving end of what?" Sirius leaned against the open doorway and smiled lazily at his friends. "I was feeling a bit lonely back there. What's the meeting in here about?"

"Just trying to decide if we should have dessert," Remus said.

"I'm going to have to pass," Lily stated. She glanced at her watch. "I have to be at work early and since dinner started so late, I can't stay."

"Really? I thought you said--" Lily elbowed James in his side and he coughed twice. "I need to escort Lily home before she wilts. You know she needs her ten hours of sleep every night." James smiled and took Lily's hand. "Floo me if you're up in time for lunch tomorrow," he said to Sirius. "Otherwise, don't forget the meeting tomorrow night."

"As if I could forget Dumbledore expecting us at school at our usual detention hour," Sirius drawled. "My assistant will make sure I'm there."

"Is assistant a step up from house-elf or down?" Remus asked.

"With Sirius, would it make a difference?" Lily leaned over to kiss Remus on the cheek. "Think about what I said," she whispered. She smiled at Sirius as she crossed the room. "Try to be good."

"What would be the fun in that?" he asked.

James gave a lazy salute and the couple walked out of the kitchen and into the dining room. Sirius stood in the doorway watching Remus, not speaking until they heard the swish from the fireplace in the parlor.

"What was really going on in here? What was Lily whispering to you?"

"Nothing," Remus said. Too quickly.

"I've never had reason not to trust you before, but you've been keeping an awful lot of secrets lately." His voice was suddenly sharper, sounding less drunk than he had a minute before.

Remus laughed softly and turned away from Sirius. He pulled out his wand and began directing a sponge to scrub a plate above the sink. "You say that like you'd ever know if I was hiding something."

"I was the first of us to guess you're a werewolf," Sirius reminded him. He definitely didn't sound drunk then. "And I was also the first to notice...you have different romantic interests than the rest of us."

Remus stiffened and the plate in front of him dropped a few inches in the air. "What's your point?"

"My point is that I'm not stupid. I can tell when something is going on with you." Sirius stepped closer and stopped in the spot where Lily had been minutes earlier. "It's not like you to run out of the room any time the conversation gets a little bawdy. I can't even tell if that's what was bothering you; you've been behaving so strangely lately."

Right. Because I'm the one bringing strangers home for sex and taunting my friend with jokes at his expense? No. I'm the one desperately trying to pretend like everything is normal when it couldn't be further from the way things used to be.

Remus frowned and his grip on his wand tightened. "How have I been behaving strangely?"

The plate dipped again in mid-air and Sirius pulled out his wand. He moved it to the empty sink before turning to his friend. Remus continued to face the wall in front of him, sure his emotions were all over his face at that point. "Snapping at me the other week ring a bell? You've been distracted, jumpy, spending a lot of time alone in that bedroom." Sirius placed a hand on his shoulder and Remus pulled out of his grasp before turning to face him. Goose bumps sprang out on his arms when he saw the concern in Sirius's eyes.

"Is it me? Did I do something else to bother you?" Sirius asked. "If this is about the other week, I might've told you I was having girls over, but I didn't think you'd care. Especially since you keep telling me there isn't reason for you to care."

"I don't," Remus said. "It's your house, you can have whomever you want, whenever you want." And that was the problem. Not Sirius, but Remus's inability to deal with the reality of his situation. No amount of truth serum was going to make Sirius confess feelings he wasn't built to feel for another man. It certainly wasn't going to stop him from having every woman who welcomed his company.

"So, what's wrong? You're not sick, are you? It's too soon for--"

"I'm fine," Remus said. "I've just had a lot of thinking to do lately."

"Thinking about what?"

"About my options."

"Like where you want to live?" Sirius asked slowly.

And why I'm putting myself through this.

"I've already told you, you can stay as long as you want," Sirius said. "All joking aside, you're my friend and I love having you."

Remus swallowed hard and nodded.

"Look, if you decide you're ready to tell me what's going on--the truth," he added as Remus opened his mouth to protest, "I'll be in the hot tub. Come up and we'll talk." After waiting a few more seconds for a response, Sirius turned and headed for the stairs, leaving Remus wanting to yell his frustration into the now empty room.

Twenty minutes later, the kitchen was clean and Remus was headed up to his bedroom. He had a lot of thinking to do. First, he had to decide how he was going to get these thoughts of Sirius out of his head before he drove himself crazy. Second, he had to think of an excuse for his behavior. Somehow, Remus didn't think "I want you so badly I can barely see straight" was the answer Sirius demanded from him, however true. Third, he had to get rid of the potion Lily had given him before he was tempted to use it.

Right. Like I wasn't tempted when I thought it was a love potion. Remus frowned as he slowly climbed the stairs. So, Lily thought he was desperate. The question was, how close was she to being right? He had to admit, Lily Evans had a way of being right about everything. He was long past feeling desperate where Sirius was concerned. The real question was, what would he do about it if thinking about the situation came to nothing?

He needed to come clean, however much the idea bothered him. Thinking this, Remus was immediately reminded of a phrase he'd heard once: You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty. In his case, he supposed the clean would be his conscience and the dirty to follow would be the muddy waters of their friendship. Sirius had already warned him, but he couldn't continue to lie, regardless of the possible consequences.

Remus walked into his bedroom and closed the door behind him. Before he could take a step, a large hand slammed his shoulder into the door. Sirius moved closer, until their faces were inches apart. "Look, I'm tired of waiting for you to finally speak up. Tell me what's going on or I'll have to force it out of you."

Remus winced and tried to move his shoulder. "And you had to assault me for this?"

Sirius frowned and released his hold. He took a step back. "I tried asking you what was wrong like a normal person, but you stayed in the kitchen and pouted. Tell me what's going on with you right now because I can't take any more of you skulking around like a wounded animal. Are you sick?"

"I might be," Remus answered. "No, not like that," he added as Sirius's face fell.

"Like what, exactly?"

"I must be a glutton for punishment." He glanced down to where Sirius stood only a few steps from where he leaned against the door. Remus clenched his fingers into fists to stop himself from grabbing the lapels of Sirius's shirt and pulling him closer. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Sirius had taken a shower after he'd come upstairs. The smell of alcohol was gone. All that was left was the maddening scent of the man himself, one that made Remus want to strip off his shirt and run his tongue along Sirius's collarbone.

"You were right about me, the other week. I've been thinking about you, fantasizing really, and it got to be too much. Now that I think back on it, I must have been losing my mind because I thought you were saying more to me than you were." Remus opened his eyes again. Sirius was staring at him, his face expressionless. "You don't have to say anything. I know where you stand. You've made that clear. I just think--" Remus dropped his eyes and stared at the floor. "No, never mind."

"No, tell me. What do you think?"

"I think if James told you he's gay, you wouldn't hesitate to tell him you'd consider it."

"Consider...you know it's not that simple. Just like you, I can't turn attraction on and off," Sirius said. "I've never looked at James that way. We've always just been friends."

"And so are we," Remus responded, looking up again. "Nothing has to change."

"But something has," Sirius remarked. "You've never acted like this around me before. Or anyone else, for that matter. If living with me is that much of a problem, then--"

"That's not it. I've been attracted to you pretty much since we met," he admitted. "I just never thought I'd want to act on it until now." He waved a hand dismissively. "But I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I don't want things to continue being weird between us because you know I...I've been feeling more than usual lately. I can handle looking but not touching. It may not always seem like it, but until I get over it, I can deal with how I feel."

"What if I can't?"

Remus curled his fingers against the door. "If--if you're not comfortable, that's fine. You never have to see me. I've almost saved enough to get my own place. Or maybe James would let me stay with him. I wouldn't mind that." Remus's voice had almost disappeared by the time he'd finished his brave little lie, but he couldn't force it to gain any more strength. He felt like the fight had been drained out of him and replaced with this building desire to scream. His body was practically vibrating with it.

"I don't want you to leave. I've told you that." Sirius touched Remus's hand and clasped his fingers around his wrist. "Look at me."

"It's probably best--"

"Stop that self-sacrificing crap and look at me."

Remus turned and what he saw made his heart stop. Or, what he imagined he was seeing. What he wanted to believe. That his naked emotions were being reflected back at him--curiosity, fear, lust, and some unspoken promise behind the eyes that stared into his.

"I'm not going to lie to you. This is all new to me." He paused then and Remus had to force himself to breathe. For the second time in his presence, Sirius Black was blushing. "I have been...curious and I've considered... a few things I've never done before. Lately I uh...I've thought it about it more than I want to admit. You and your teasing." He offered a small smile.

Remus wanted to make him stop there. He was torn between hearing this new, raw confession and wanting to silence the stuttering, mumbling man in front of him and search for the Sirius Black he'd spent the past seven years at school with. That was someone he knew and could understand--and who would never give Remus a look that promised something he'd never realistically considered.

"I can hardly believe we're having this conversation." Sirius shifted his arm until he and Remus were holding hands. "I want to try," he said simply. "Mind, I'm not going to be comfortable with everything at once. And I wouldn't do this with just anyone. But you're my friend." He paused, waiting until the silence had settled between them like a weight. "I think I can trust you to stop if things get to be too much for me."

"What are you saying to me?" Remus whispered.

Sirius smiled and tugged on his hand. "After all that, I still have to make the first move?" Still grinning, he leaned forward until their lips were a hairsbreadth apart. "Do you want to stay just friends?" Remus responded by closing the distance between them.

The moment their lips touched, Remus forgot to breathe again. All he could do was focus on the firm lips pressed to his, the steadily increasing pulse at his throat and the tentative way Sirius caressed his hair. When Sirius pushed against his lips and parted his own, Remus sighed and grabbed his shirt roughly. If he was going to wake up from this fantasy any time soon, he wanted the dream to be worth remembering.

He opened mouth and sucked at Sirius's tongue greedily. His hands moved over his hair, down his chest; one slipped over the front of his jeans and squeezed lightly. Sirius moaned in response and Remus continued, letting his hand play until Sirius began rubbing against his fingers. He pushed Remus's shoulders flush against the door and moved forward, shoving himself into the other man's hand. "Harder," Sirius whispered.

They both were. Hard and hot and practically shaking from the intensity of their kisses. With every second that passed, Remus grew closer to ripping off his clothes right there and begging Sirius to end the weeks of frustration with his eager mouth. His stomach trembled under Remus's hand and he began moving his hips in rough thrusts, mirroring the movements of his tongue.

No, his mouth wouldn't be enough. But it would be a start. Remus pulled his lips away from Sirius and began dragging him towards the bed. He'd waited too long. Tonight, he would take what he could get.