Leash

Politeness. Cool civility was more like it, but Remus wanted to pretend there was something slightly more friendly about the new attitude Sirius had adopted. After the words they'd exchanged that fateful morning, Sirius had taken great pains to be the model roommate. He treated Remus with the polite indifference one might come to expect from living with a casual acquaintance. He supposed Sirius was right to feel put off after the uncharacteristic outburst, but it felt awkward to be treated that way all the same. Remus hadn't felt a comparable lack of interest from his friend since they'd first met, when Sirius had glanced over him standing in their first year dorm as if he were of no more importance than the furniture.

If he wanted to be truthful, Remus had no concrete reason to complain about how the last week and a half had passed. There were no more surprise nude appearances, a minimum number of off-color jokes exchanged--and then, only when their friends were around--and the general air around the two of them had drained of tension. Sexual tension, at least. Now, there was something else taking its place. Something Remus couldn't quite put his finger on. Whatever it was, he wasn't sure he liked it. But anything was better than feeling as if his every move was being scrutinized to become a future punch line.

He had come into the kitchen early to fix himself breakfast. Breakfast being a euphemism for the dry toast he was forcing himself to eat because he couldn't stomach anything heavier before heading out for another job interview. Remus had just made himself tea when Sirius sauntered into the room, looking as if half of him was still in bed. He scratched at his hip though his pajamas and held out his cup wordlessly. After a brief attempt to steady his hands, Remus poured the tea.

Blinking hard, Sirius wiped at his eyes with the heel of one hand before dumping several spoonfuls of sugar into his cup and slurping the strong brew. He motioned to the folded letter next to Remus's plate. "Where is it this time?"

"Flourish and Blotts," Remus responded.

"The bookstore seems like a good fit. I hope this one works out better than the last place."

Remus shrugged. "I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't stop trying. I'm sure Dumbledore's tired of firing off these recommendation letters for me every couple of days. That is, if he hasn't pre-written a few of them."

"I doubt that, they're getting more strongly worded each time," Sirius said. "If you need another, it might contain a threat to hex whoever doesn't hire you."

Remus gave a half-hearted smile. Their former Headmaster might have taken to describing Remus as if he were the smartest wizard to ever leave Hogwarts since he'd attended, but Albus Dumbledore's words hadn't quite taken on the air of threats. More like, they subtly addressed the desperate nature of his former student's situation without flat-out begging someone to hire him. Rather than a threat the next time, he was more likely to ask someone to employ 'the outstanding and ambitious Mr. Lupin' as a personal favor. And even then...

"Even if a threat came from Dumbledore, I'm not sure that'd do the trick."

Sirius studied his friend for several long moments. His steady gaze dropped to the tea cup cradled in his hands. "Have you tried snapping at someone and demanding they respect you? I've heard that could garner better than decent results." His voice was silky, but the words dripped with bitter venom. Remus was taken aback. That was the first time Sirius had mentioned their conversation since it happened. He hadn't even bothered meeting his friend's eyes as he got in the small dig. Before Remus could respond, he finished his tea and turned to place the cup in the sink. "I'm going out. Good luck." Without turning back to look at him, Sirius left the kitchen.

Remus listened for the footsteps on the stairs before returning to his toast. It had grown cold. No, he couldn't put his finger on the exact feeling, but there was something to the quiet kind of distance that had settled between them like a wall. It wasn't anger that he'd stood up for himself, but almost a petulance that Remus had finally told Sirius there was a subject he couldn't twist into a joke to make himself comfortable with it. The only time he'd ever taken the subject of Remus's sexuality seriously was the day he'd found out. Remus had been the target of ongoing jokes since then; mostly a mild kind of ribbing he found he could handle easily. But this demand of his that Sirius treat his desires as he would anyone else's was new territory. One his friend did not find to his liking. Remus was left to wonder why.

Remus could hardly believe it when David Knight gave him the news, but there it was, in living color: his new name tag and the dark blue robes that identified him as an assistant at Flourish and Blotts. His new boss hadn't bothered reading the recommendation letter penned by his former Headmaster. He'd just stated that he remembered Remus from his yearly trips into the store to buy his school books, several of which ended with Remus helping other students find their way around the tall maze-like shelves. His personality and penchant for reading were a perfect fit for the store and the job was his after a shaky smile and a handshake.

If anyone had told Remus it would be that easy, he would've asked when they were going to wake from the dream. As it was, he felt as if he were dreaming as he traveled home, his steps feather-light as he ran up the stairs to tell Sirius the news. The other boy's bedroom had been empty; he wasn't lounging next to the pool or scrounging for snacks in the refrigerator either. Remus had begun to consider the basement when he heard a swishing sound coming from the parlor, followed by several voices.

"I'm sure that's true," Lily shouted. "But one wouldn't know that from the tone of her letters."

"I can't help it if girls think things that aren't true. I'm certainly not feeding her delusions."

"You're not exactly fighting them either."

Remus frowned. James and Lily arguing again. What set her off this time?

"Honestly, Evans. It's not like he can refuse to accept the letters," Sirius said. As Remus entered the room, he spotted the three of them standing just before the fireplace. Lily was off to one side, tapping one foot rapidly. James and Sirius stood a couple of feet away, arms crossed and legs wide in a mirrored defensive stance. "If I remember correctly, your own owl was pretty damn persistent when she wanted to deliver one of your love notes in the middle of the night."

"So you admit they're love notes?" Lily asked.

James rolled eyes. "Sirius can't admit to something he knows nothing about. Girls write to me. It happens. I usually have a good laugh over them and then bin them. I never expected you'd read one and take it seriously."

"Perhaps you shouldn't have kept it next to your bed," Lily said. "I can't believe you expect me to be all right with strange women inviting you into their beds in the middle of the night."

James sighed. "I don't expect anything of the sort." He glanced at the doorway. "Remus, tell her these silly girls won't leave me alone. It's not like it isn't clear to everyone who knows us that we've been together for the better part of this year."

"I--"

"Don't bring Remus into this," Lily said. "It's bad enough you've got your partner in crime lined up to lie for you, but--"

"Lily, calm down," Remus said. She stopped and turned to him, her bottom lip pushed out in a pout when he stepped up next to her. "James is right. He's been getting letters like this pretty much since he first joined the house Quidditch team." He placed a hand on her arm. "Maybe this girl thinks she has a better chance now that we're out of school."

Lily exhaled heavily and crossed her arms. "And there's nothing to the fact that James hasn't written back to explain that he is most certainly not single and definitely not available to lick ice cream off of her?"

"Oh, it was Susan?" Sirius interrupted. "Always liked that girl. Real focused, that one."

Lily's eyes narrowed. "I thought you threw the letters away."

James shrugged. "That doesn't mean my roommates couldn't take them out of the trash."

"And this one's a repeat offender?"

Remus squeezed her arm. "Lily, if he writes to them, even to say no, it only gets worse."

"Yeah, found that out the hard way after we beat Slytherin in sixth year. McGonagall actually had to restrict two girls in Hufflepuff from writing to anyone on the team," James said.

"That worked until one of them convinced that brunette in Ravenclaw to write the letters for them," Sirius added. "You should've seen the pictures they included. Really, Evans, you should be flattered so many women want Potter. He's got a lot of options, but he wants you."

"Yes, I'm sure by your logic my boyfriend's stalkers are a compliment," Lily said. She sighed and turned to Remus. She smiled; the gesture softened her face. "How have you been? I'm sure living with this one for nearly two weeks has made you think twice about who you find attractive."

Oh, she has no idea. Remus grinned. "Actually, I have good news." He looked around. Sirius had disappeared. "I got the job at Flourish and Blotts. I start tomorrow."

"Ooh, fantastic." A cloud of perfume enveloped him as Lily latched onto Remus in a tight hug. She rubbed his back before pulling away. "We should go out to celebrate. There's a restaurant not too far from the Apothecary I've been meaning to try."

"Good for you," James said. "But I can't make it to dinner tonight. Maybe another time."

"Who said you were invited?" Lily smiled and motioned towards the door. "Go see if Sirius wants to join us. Then maybe we can track Peter down before he leaves work."

Remus nodded and left the room. He went up the stairs two at a time. It had been a long time since anything had made him this happy. The thought of celebrating his first job with his best friend had him practically floating down the hall until he stood outside Sirius's bedroom. Remus had forgotten about the cool exchange they'd had that morning until he knocked on the door and the slight smile on Sirius's face dropped when he looked up.

"Something I can do for you?"

Remus cleared his throat. He didn't know why, but he was suddenly nervous. Tension made his back stiffen and his throat dry. Sirius turned to his closet and opened the double doors with a quick flick of his wand as he walked across the room.

"I got the job," Remus said.

"Congratulations." Sirius began sliding hangers across the bar, flitting through a selection of colorful shirts.

"We--Lily thinks we should have dinner to celebrate."

"Sounds lovely. I'm sure you and your girlfriend will have a fantastic time." Sirius looked at the shirts for several more seconds before stopping. "Is there something else?"

"I was hoping you'd come with us."

Sirius turned to him, one eyebrow raised. "You want me to come? Funny. I'd gotten the impression that you weren't too terribly fond of spending time with me."

"What? Because I said I don't want you teasing me?"

Sirius gave a short, humorless laugh. "Teasing is a funny concept. You practically invited me to tease you from the day you moved into this house. Couldn't stop staring at me, blushing every time I made a crack. It was cute, at first. You did everything in your power to keep the games going until it got to be a little too much." He turned back to look through his clothes. "And your little self-righteous speech last week was pretty damn interesting. I've been talking to you like that for over three years, but you didn't have a problem with it until now. I don't have to guess why."

"Your guess would probably be wrong," Remus said. "I do not have any sort of feelings for you. Short of friendship. You're one of my best friends. Of course I reacted strongly."

"Right. Because you always talk to whomever you feel closest to in that chastising Prefect voice. I swear, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were McGonagall's son, the way you rant about things." Sirius pulled a black shirt from a hanger and levitated it to his bed. "Your defensiveness speaks for itself. Just because I understand why doesn't mean I have to like the way you spoke to me."

So, that was the reason he'd been acting so strangely. He'd actually been hurt. This from the man who takes potshots at everyone. Of course, most people say nothing in response. Remus sighed. "Look, I didn't mean anything more than what I said."

"Of course not," Sirius scanned the row of trousers and quickly pulled a pair from the hanger. The clothing joined his shirt on the bed. "But you've gotten your wish, right?"

"My wish? I only want us to act as normal," Remus said.

Sirius laughed again. "Obviously not. You couldn't handle that, remember? Either way, the thing is done now. I won't tease you. No jokes. No...dangling a bone in front of you." A corner of his mouth lifted slightly. He walked out of the closet, brushing past Remus with a light push on the shoulder. "The last thing you want is temptation being shoved in your face and the last thing I want is--" Sirius turned back to him. "Well, you can guess."

"No, I can't guess," Remus said. "Tell me, since you're in such a chatty mood tonight."

Sirius stared at him; his gaze started at his friend's face and traveled downward slowly. "You liked every bit of that teasing, didn't you? " Sirius whispered. "Don't bother denying it." Remus felt a tingling begin low on his back and move to settle between his legs. His face warmed and he knew he was blushing again as Sirius's eyes settled on his face. "See how you're responding now? Like every word and gesture is an invitation." He said the last word in a faint purr. After a few seconds, Sirius broke eye contact and turned back to survey his clothes on the bed.

"The last thing I want is you saying or doing something around me that you can't take back. We're fine as friends, but neither of us needs the drama of you...feeling whatever over me."

Remus shook his head quickly and blinked hard. He couldn't make sense of it. There was something off about the way Sirius was speaking to him, definitely at odds with his harsh words. "There is no drama," Remus said finally. "I just..." He didn't know what to say. What exactly was he claiming was happening if he wasn't feeling something for the wrong person?

"You just couldn't find something funny that you'd never had an issue with before," Sirius filled in. "We both know why you suddenly have a problem with it. The truth has a way of hitting hard. I suggest you take some time to clear these thoughts you claim you don't have from your mind. In the meantime, I have to get ready." Sirius reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it off in one swift move. The muscles in his stomach and chest bunched and flexed as he tossed the shirt onto the floor and stretched. Remus licked his lips. "James and I are going out. I'm not sure when I'll be back. Don't wait up for me."

He reached for the zip on his trousers and stopped when he noticed Remus staring at him. A corner of his mouth flickered upward briefly. "Do you mind?"

Remus stared blankly for a moment before shaking his head quickly. "Oh, right. Of course. I suppose I'll see you in the morning, then. Good night." He turned to make his escape, barely hearing Sirius's parting words as he walked quickly down the hallway.

He'd nearly made a fool of himself. Again. Either Remus should confess the lust he was having trouble dismissing or try again to convince Sirius he'd been telling the truth when he told him he felt nothing. Though, from their last exchange, it was quite obvious Remus was only lying to one of them and it wasn't Sirius.

It wasn't purely his imagination. There had been invitation, even if only on the surface. To look, to admire, to fantasize about what he couldn't have. There was even something in the way Sirius had looked at him as he'd chastised him, however brief. But his words had an impact. Remus couldn't deny that he was setting himself up for a fall by seriously considering anything more than friendship. And if he'd ever thought it could be a real possibility, there was a fair chance he was only believing what he wanted to believe.

Lily had tried to keep his spirits up during dinner, but Remus's mind had constantly taken him back to Sirius. The look in his eyes when he'd accused him of being unable to handle the games they were playing. The derisive tilt to his lips when he'd read Remus's reaction to him as easily as if he'd spoken his thoughts aloud. Sirius was right, and they both knew it. Remus had to get control of his hormones and learn to lighten up again where Sirius was concerned. But the boundaries were still a good idea. He didn't need the temptation to make a move, nor did he need to constantly wonder if he'd done the impossible--made Sirius change his mind. As if a mere change of thought is what would be required for something to happen between them. In short, it would take a miracle. After finding a place to live and getting a job, Remus was pretty sure his quota on those was filled.

When he'd come home the night before, Sirius's bedroom door had been closed, the entire house silent. Remus had spent most of the night sleeplessly wondering if his outburst from the week before had caused irreparable damage to their friendship. But today was a new day. There was no more need for talk. He would go back to acting like everything was normal between them, and eventually it would feel genuine. As Remus finished putting on his clothes for work, he began repeating a new mantra to himself. I can handle any challenge. Even in the form of Sirius Black.

Leaving his bedroom, he paused on the way to the stairs and doubled back to Sirius's door. It was early, but he wasn't sure if his roommate was awake--or even if he'd returned from his night with James. He twisted the door knob slowly, knowing Sirius would be livid if he was awoken from a deep sleep. What he saw when he opened the door and took a step inside made Remus freeze in his tracks.

Writhing bodies, grasping hands and questing lips worked together as they moved in the center of the bed. Remus's nose wrinkled and he took a step back. He could smell the light sheen of sweat along their skin; the heavy musk in the air was unfamiliar, but he identified the source straight away. One of the women giggled and pushed her dark hair to the side, allowing Sirius to run his lips and tongue along her collarbone, then lower. The other, a blonde, maneuvered herself next to him, panting as his hand teased her beneath the sheet. Remus coughed lightly and grasped at the doorknob. His suddenly sweaty hand slipped. Remus wiped his hand along the front of his robes and then reached for the door knob again. Just before he pulled the door closed, he caught Sirius's gaze. The other man smirked. Remus closed the door.

It took him a long moment, but he began breathing again. After taking a minute to collect himself, he blinked the slight moisture away and made his way downstairs quickly. Thankfully, he now had work as the perfect distraction.