Leash

There was chatter filling the large space when Remus descended to the kitchen the following morning. Surprised, he walked in to find James, Peter, Lily and Sirius, the latter in the silk pajamas Remus had bought him. James was in casual Muggle clothes while Lily and Peter wore the uniform robes of the shops where they worked. Lily grinned as Remus entered the room. The boys fell silent quickly, eyeing Remus as he walked across the large space.

"You look like crap," James said.

Remus lifted his head. His nose crinkled. "You smell like meat."

"We bought you dragon steaks," Lily said. "I remembered how much you like those. How are you feeling? Sirius was just telling us about your big night. I imagine you're hung over, at the very least."

Remus leaned against the counter next to the stove and raised a hand to brush over his eyes. He had a splitting headache and his stomach was roiling, but it wasn't because of the drink. It was the night before the full moon and his body felt like it was splitting itself apart at the seams. It was bad enough he became a monster several nights in a row. One of the unfortunate side effects was practically becoming an invalid during the days surrounding his change and being able to little about it but whine. It was during these days he wished there was a Sleeping Draught strong enough for his kind. Something that would leave him unconscious for days at a time - asleep and safe.

"I'm fine," Remus said. "It's not the liquor, it's everything else. The usual."

"I thought that might be the case as well," Lily said. She reached into a pouch tied at her waist and pulled out a vial filled with thick, dark green liquid. "I brought you something for your stomach, touched with a bit of Strengthening Solution. I also brought Wolfsbane Potion." She placed the vial of swirling gray potion on the counter and smiled as Remus's eyes widened. "Working at the Apothecary does give me access to the ingredients. I'll be able to help you every month."

"That's amazing. Thank you Lily," Remus said. He winced slightly as she reached over to hug him. He wanted to tell her she needn't have bothered, but they both knew he needed as much help as he could get; he couldn't afford the ingredients on his own. Especially since his family had cut him off and his job prospects were laughable. Thankfully, Lily overlooked his pride and simply forced her help on him, regardless of the protests she could usually expect. Remus had learned to just let her help him, without a fuss. The last thing he needed was another telling off when she was "only doing what any decent witch would do."

Remus smiled as she pulled out of his arms. "I don't know what I'd do with you."

"You'd suffer while the boys tell you to deal with the pain." She touched a finger to his temple. "But they don't understand." You shouldn't have to suffer for something that isn't your fault. He knew from her expression she was thinking the words. She'd said as much several times before.

Remus reached for the teapot on the stove. He touched it with his wand to reheat the water and moved to summon the canister of tea bags on the other side of the stove. After a few seconds Lily took over, silently preparing his drink while he leaned against the counter. He let the throb behind his temples force his eyes closed against the bright morning sunlight.

"What I don't understand is how he managed to charm all those women last night," Sirius said. He arched one eyebrow. "Though, watching him with Lily, I'm getting an idea. There must be something to that vulnerable little boy look that makes girls swarm and go all maternal. A Charm that can't be taught."

Lily smiled as she handed Remus his cup. "He's not doing anything to me. I'm helping him because I'm the only one of his friends who has the skill to make the potion."

"Still, it's strange," Sirius commented. "We haven't been out of school that long, but I know I haven't lost my touch. I've got the looks, it's obvious I have money. I don't understand how he got all those numbers without trying. And I know he wasn't trying because I heard what the women were saying. 'Oh Remus,'" Sirius began in an imitation of a woman's voice. "'You've got such a sweet, young face. You've got such big hands. You're practically bursting through the seams of those white trousers.'" Peter snorted at this. Sirius knitted his hands under his chin and fluttered his thick eyelashes. "'Why don't you come into the back room and let me make you a man?'"

He rolled his eyes and dropped his hands. "And then this wanker just shrugs it off, buys them drinks and asks them about their lives and other nonsense. No offense, but every woman we met last night should've been all over me and--"

"I don't know how you do it," James interrupted. He tilted his head to the side and peered at Sirius through narrowed eyes.

"Do what?" Sirius asked.

"You appear to be standing as normal before us, but you still manage to have your head so far up your own arse--" James stopped as Lily slapped at his arm. The rebuke lost its desired affect when she began laughing, joining Remus and Peter.

"Look, I don't care if you believe me or not. Just because you've been henpecked so long you don't know if you've got skills anymore--"
"Oh, he's got them," Lily said.

"More than we needed to know," Peter said.

"I second that," Sirius added. "I just find what happened last night strange."

"You're being a child because you lost a stupid bet," James said. "There's nothing wrong with those women or with Remus. They liked him."

"That's not the issue! He doesn't like them. So...so..."

"So it's not fair?" Peter asked. "Maybe you should have him introduce you to girls the next time you go out."

"Oh, my stomach feels bad enough as it is. Don't make me think of a next time," Remus said. He opened the first vial of potion Lily had brought for him and drank it in one gulp, following it with a few sips of tea.

"Maybe that'll be your prize for winning the bet," Lily said. "He'll be forced to troll for women who don't know any better on his own. Unless you can think of something else you'd like Sirius to do."

Remus felt himself begin to blush as he imagined what he could get Sirius into, but didn't have time for the thoughts to settle as his friend interrupted his musing.

"I'm not even sure the bet was fair," Sirius remarked. He crossed his arms. "For all I know, he was passing out love potions all night."

"Why would you think Remus would do that?" Peter asked.

"Because it's something he would do," James answered, rolling his eyes. "Face it, you're not even a week out of school and losing your touch. May as well get a dozen cats and wait for your joints to tell you when it's going to rain."

"I think we'll save that scenario for Lily's friends." Sirius smiled at her. "How are Crabby and Boring these days?"

"Gabby and Lauren are just fine, no thanks to you. They seem to have fully recovered from Saturday's disaster." Lily punctuated this with a frown.

"What happened Saturday?" James asked.

Sirius grinned. "Okay, you remember that thing I told you I wanted to try with an old Snitch, a jar of honey, a length of rope and a Switching Spell?"

James's mouth dropped open. "You didn't!"

"What?" Peter asked.

"I--you don't want to know," James said after a moment of silence. From the expression on Sirius's face, Remus was sure he was right. Familiar with Sirius's level of depravity, Remus knew a weekend party that involved endless reserves of alcohol and willing females was probably full of stories that were better off untold. Especially with Lily in the room.

James continued to stare at Sirius for a minute before they both burst out laughing. "I can't believe they even let you--" He broke off as he caught Lily's glare out of the corner of his eye. He tried to force the grin from his lips, but gave up after a few seconds. "The important thing is, no one was permanently injured."

"Besides that, my little flower, they are both consenting adults," Sirius remarked. "If it was really an issue, I suspect you would've said something to me days ago."

"If I'd known, I would have."

"Ooh. They're keeping secrets from you now?"

Lily smirked at him. "Apparently, it took a few days for the scars to heal. They weren't really seeing or speaking to anyone."

"Of course not," James said. "Not if the spell--never mind." He glanced at his watch. "I'm going to escort Lily to work. I'll see you later to work on that thing?"

"Already taken care of," Sirius said. "Finished it yesterday."

"That leaves me free too, then," Peter said. He gestured towards Remus. "You better get dressed."

He took a sip of his tea. "Why? What's going on?"

"I got my boss to agree to interview you this morning. I think we have about twenty minutes before he expects you."

"You realize that doesn't give him enough time to obsess over his outfit and play with his hair," Sirius said.

"Funny," Lily said, crossing her arms. "I thought that was just you and James spending hours a day making yourselves pretty."

Sirius smiled. "You know, jealousy is not a good look on you." He ran a hand over his hair, making the short spikes stick up. "One of these days you'll get that Beautifying Potion to work and--"

"And then I can work on that head extracting spell for you," Lily said. "You really should pull it out or risk a permanent sprain in your neck."

"If anything's a permanent pain in my--"

"Later, Sirius," James said. He smiled and pulled Lily out of the room, small smiles touching both their mouths. A minute later, the swishing sound from the fireplace in the parlor indicated that they had left.

Remus finshed off his tea in one gulp and placed the cup in the sink. "I need to get dressed. I'll see you later?"

Sirius nodded. "Good luck today."

Remus knew the news was evident on his face the moment he walked upstairs. He met Sirius in the hallway and, as the other man's face fell, he cursed himself for not being able to hide things. Not from his friends. Not when he was feeling weak. As things were turning out, he was feeling weak in a number of areas these days.

"What did he say?"

Remus lifted one shoulder in a shrug that was more casual than he felt. "The usual. He isn't sure if customers will be comfortable with me--"
"Which is complete crap." Sirius's brows drew together. "How are they going to know you're a werewolf? It's not like you'll be wearing a sign."

Remus sighed. "He doesn't feel it's fair to the other employees that I'll have guaranteed days off every month and he can't be sure I won't lose my temper and hurt someone."

Sirius shook his head, but didn't say anything else. Not that there was much to add. Remus had expected worse, and had heard as much from other shop owners earlier in the week. He suspected the only reason he'd heard the nice version of the excuses this time was because one of his friends worked there and was easily within earshot of the entire conversation in the quiet shop.

"I know what you're thinking. It's ridiculous. I should've taken Dumbledore up on his offer and accepted his letter of recommendation. I still might," Remus said. "But for now, I don't want to talk about it. I just want to think of something a lot more positive than being hated for something I can't help."

And that reality had kept Remus walking around Diagon Alley the rest of the morning and into the early afternoon, long since after he'd faced his most recent rejection. It wasn't enough to be embarrassed in front of Wormtail after his friend had begged for an interview on his behalf. But the pitying looks from customers who knew he'd been turned down for a job had forced him to wander alone until he calmed the anger and frustration Cecil Goode had feared. And until he grew brave enough to face the reaction he knew he'd draw from Sirius - a mixture of indigation and a healthy measure of outrage on his behalf.

Remus felt all the same frustration, but had long since grown resigned to the way people would always treat him. What he thought he would never grow accustomed to was the support he received from his friends. It had been a revelation when they were eleven and stunned Remus to this day. They had no way of knowing what his life was like and he couldn't make them fully understand. Not really. All Remus could do was accept their help when he had no other choice, listen to their arguments when they felt he was being mistreated and pretend the whole bother didn't embarrass him as much as it sustained him. All talk of pride aside, Remus knew that if he could express what he truly felt without a change overtaking him, he'd give the people who wouldn't suffer his presence a real reason to fear the werewolf within. Barring that, he had his friends to get angry on his behalf and couldn't be more grateful.

He'd closed his eyes as he'd pictured the owner of Quality Quidditch Supplies and opened them to find Sirius staring at him, a familiar defiance tilting his lips at one corner.

"You should embrace it."

"Embrace what?"

"Your true nature," Sirius answered. "Bugger what other people think. You get to go wild for a few days a month and forget those fear-mongering bigots exist."

"I don't see--"
"I want to show you something." He glanced over Remus's clothes. "Put on something more comfortable and meet me down in the kitchen. I have something for you. I was going to wait until later, but I think you could use the boost now."

"What could you possibly have to show me that will make me feel better?" Remus asked.

Sirius grinned. "No hints. Just change clothes and meet me downstairs."

When Remus came down in the kitchen, he found his friend shifting from foot to foot nervously. Sirius grinned as Remus walked across the floor towards him. He rubbed his hands together.

Remus looked around the kitchen. Nothing had changed from that morning, including the dishes placed in the sink after everyone had eaten breakfast. "What do you have to show me?"

Sirius pointed towards a door in the corner. "It's in the basement."

"I thought you weren't using it."

"No, I said I don't want you cleaning in here," Sirius said, opening the door. "Now you'll find out why." He motioned Remus towards the dark staircase and held the door open until he walked ahead.

"There's nothing that stings, slithers or bites down here, is there?"

"I believe we've left Snape and his friends far behind," Sirius responded. "The truth is, James and I got you something to help out with your change every month. Lily isn't the only one who does things for you."

Knowing his friends, it might be extra-large restraints. Or another werewolf to play with, if it were up to Sirius. He was always trying to get his friends to have as active a social life as his. It wasn't beyond reason that he might've found Remus a "friend" for a few days. He'd had no qualms asking if Remus felt any sexual feelings when he was under the influence of a full moon. Apparently, Sirius found the possibility of nearly tearing one's partner apart in the act stimulating. That was a fact Remus mentally filed under Things I Need To Prove. Considering that Sirius had done a few strange things in the past few days, Remus didn't think it would take more than a couple of bottles of firewhiskey and a stronger than usual suggestion to test this theory. Of course, he'd believed James was half in love with Sirius until his growing obsession with Lily had proved otherwise.

Remus neared the end of the stairs and turned back, waiting until Sirius had joined him before he turned, ducked under a low-hanging beam and continued to the bottom. He stared forward in surprise. Just a few feet beyond the stairs, the concrete floor of the basement transitioned into smooth grass. Looking beyond it, Remus noticed the entire space had become a wide valley filled with late afternoon sunlight. As he looked around, a smattering of trees to his left swayed under a strong breeze. Clouds moved across the expanse of a deep blue sky. Remus turned back to his friend. "What--when--how did you do this?"

Sirius grinned. "This was the other thing James and I worked on over Easter break. Peter helped us put the finishing touches on it this week. I thought you'd need someplace a bit nicer than the Shrieking Shack once we were out of school. I bought a house on a hill so there'd be a lot of space underground." He pointed outward and gestured to the right and left. "The valley goes about two miles in each direction. That should give you plenty of room to run around all night and it'll feel like you're really outdoors. James even put in a small pond towards the far end. Once you're in, the barrier will keep you from leaving until morning," he said, pointing to the line where the basement floor began. "I had planned to let you use it on your visits if you had no place else to go, but since your parents put you out, you can have the use of it every month."

"This is wonderful," Remus said. An understatement, he knew, but he couldn't find adequate words. What might've taken others years of Charms work to accomplish, his friends had put together in a matter of days. Remus didn't want to think about what level of enchantments would be required to maintain such a complicated environment. "I don't know how to thank you. I really thought you had gotten me unbreakable chains or something similar."

"I had considered it," Sirius said. "James told me that I had the other days of the month to play kinky games with you." He winked. "We both agreed that you'd be more comfortable with something like this after spending years locked up every month. It was Peter's idea to make the entrance look like that grove of trees in the middle of the Forbidden Forest."

"The one where you first used your Animagus forms."

Sirius nodded.

"Again, I--" Remus stopped. Sometimes, it truly amazed him how sweet Sirius could be when he didn't think anyone would notice. Even the location of his house had been chosen with his friend in mind.

"You're welcome," Sirius said, a brusque manner to his words. "I think Lily put those dragon steaks down that way," he said, pointing. "Those things are huge; I doubt you'll be able to finish them."

"You obviously have no idea how big my appetite is," Remus responded. He caught sight of a faint grin from Sirius before he stepped forward and approached the grass marking the barrier.

Sirius put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. "Are you sure you want to go in now? You've got a few hours and you won't be able to come out until you change back," he reminded him.

Remus nodded. "I'm done with the real world for today." He pulled his wand out of his pocket and tossed it onto the lush grass. He began unbuttoning his shirt. "The sun should be setting in a little while. Care to join me for a swim?"

Sirius grinned as Remus tossed his shirt onto the ground and began unbuttoning his trousers. He began unbuttoning his own shirt. "I'll race you there."

After three days of running under the sun and moonlight with his best friend, Remus felt like a new man. James and Peter had joined them on the second night, but mostly he was able to enjoy the rare treat of having Sirius to himself. They'd howled in harmony under the twinkling stars and ran themselves to exhaustion until the first pinks and oranges tinted the sky overhead.

On this last morning, Remus lay near the grove of trees, feeling the last of the night's breezes ruffle his fur as the sky lightened from a dark blue to a mixture of faint rose and orange. He felt his claws retract and his body return to normal size just before the grass shifted beneath his newly returned skin. A panting near his head forced him to turn his attention away from the vision overhead to the black dog at his side. As he watched, Sirius began his transition from dog back to human, shaking his head briskly as the transformation was complete. He held out a hand to Remus and helped him to his feet.

"I've never seen you like that before," Sirius remarked.

"Like what?"

"Peaceful." Sirius offered him a small, sleepy smile. "If I'd known all it would take to make you happy was running wild with me for a few days, I might have snapped you out of that monthly brooding years ago."

If only you knew how you could truly make me happy, Remus thought. He smiled. "If you really want to make me smile, there are plenty of things you could do with me. Letting me chase you across the grass isn't one of them." Remus had raised his arms in a wide stretch when the slow grin curving Sirius's mouth made him think back to what he'd just said. He hadn't meant to say something quite that...bold. Not that Sirius would believe him, if his expression was any indication. Remus blamed the slip on the tiredness that was just beginning to seep into his bones and had obviously affected his ability to self-censor.

"So." Sirius took a step back and eyed Remus up and down slowly. The werewolf's bare toes curled into the grass as his friend's eyes traveled below his stomach, lingered and then continued their perusal. "I was just teasing the other night, but I had no idea you really have a thing for me. Still. After all this time."

Remus frowned. "I do not still have the same feelings I had when we were fourteen." He swore under his breath.

"Ah, so these are new feelings." Sirius smiled "And why, exactly, did this whole thing start up again?" He glanced down at himself. "Or do I even have to ask?"

"Nothing has 'started up again.'" Remus said. "James was right, you do have your head stuck up your--"

"I'm not that vain," Sirius said. Remus snorted. "Not without reason. And I'm not crazy, you're practically drooling."

"What do you expect from me?" Remus asked. "You're bare-arsed and not ugly. I'd have to be dead not to notice. And you'd be insulted if I didn't." Sirius smiled at this. "Stop making it out like I've joined your silly fan club. You've said you don't care if I look and if you've got such a problem with it, maybe you should try putting some clothes on. Or I could move out." He took several steps backwards until his feet hit the cold stone floor of the basement. "That's probably the right idea. I should move in with James." He turned to go up the stairs.

"Why are you being so silly about this?" Sirius broke into a short run until he caught up with Remus on the stairs. He grabbed his shoulder and forced him to turn. "I was just--"

"You were just teasing the only gay bloke you know about having a crush on you because that's just about the funniest thing you can imagine. I'm apparently too weak to not look while you can't even--" Remus broke off, turning away and taking a deep breath.

Sirius squeezed his arm and waited several moments in silence. "I can't even what?"

Can't even think about the possibility. Can't take me seriously for more than a few seconds. Can't be the object of my frustration without the worry in those eyes and a pout in those lips that make me forget why I was angry to begin with.

"You can't see how rude it is to tease me about something like that," Remus said quietly. "I know you don't understand being gay--"

"I do. As much as I can, at least."

Remus turned to face Sirius. "Then you understand that I can't just turn off what I feel or who I find attractive. And you can't throw yourself in my face and expect me to ignore it. My entire lifestyle not a joke."

"And you can't get defensive over a harmless comment."

"It wasn't harmless," Remus said. "That's what you don't get. I--" I can't get you out of my head and it's driving me crazy.

"You what?" Sirius asked.

"I think we should set up some boundaries or I really will have to move out," Remus said. "I'm all for the odd joke every once in a while, but I have to know you respect me."

And I have to be able to respect myself after being too much of a coward to go after what I want. That will be so much easier if you'd stop shoving my obvious feelings in my face. Remus ran up the stairs quickly and through the house until he was enclosed in his bedroom. As he watched the rest of the sunrise over the houses in the valley below, he made a promise to himself. Remus would never lose control with Sirius again. He wasn't sure he could trust himself to not do everything Sirius practically dared him to do. He knew if he took that first step, there'd be no going back.