Leash

I'm used to you, you know.

Used to me? Like one would get used to a particularly smelly dog or a roommate who snores?

Remus snuggled deeper under his sheets and lifted his arm to block the early morning sunlight streaming through his bedroom windows.

I heard you loud and clear last night.

Oh, really, Sirius? That's why you thought it was a good idea to parade yourself in front of me like a t-bone you knew I'd want to devour? Bastard.

He shifted in bed again as a sheen of sweat broke out over his skin. The sheets stuck to Remus in several places. He pushed them down with his feet as his body grew more heated.

I can't make any promises.

And that was the rub, wasn't it? He couldn't make promises. He wouldn't make concessions. He wouldn't stop teasing until Remus snapped and came out with what he wanted. Not that it wasn't already obvious. But with Sirius, everything was a game. Life was a game and the entire Wizarding world had been his playground since he was old enough to realize that beauty and money could get him just about anything. Including a friend who practically worshipped him and a live-in housekeeper who'd spend nights thinking about a future that wouldn't happen.

It was all part of the game for someone who thought it his right to make everyone want him or want to be him. The sole exception was James, but even he'd played the role of jester at Sirius's whim many a time. Only he'd had the sense and strength to pull himself out at some point. Remus? Still a plaything. A willing one, at that.

There was a time when the very idea of being watched by another man had been the last thing on Sirius's agenda. It wasn't an ego boost or an annoyance, it was something to be feared. More so than the fact that he'd been sleeping several feet from a werewolf for the better part of four years. Remus knew he'd remember that first confrontation for the rest of his life.

He'd been sitting on the edge of his bed, waiting for Sirius to get out of the shower. Another ten minutes and they'd both miss breakfast and probably be late for their first class. Remus waited anyway. It was silly, but there was something about the way Sirius Black looked fresh out of the shower, his face slightly red from being scrubbed clean, his eyes lit as he strutted into the room with his towel hanging low on his hips. Remus had come to look forward to the brief glimpses of Sirius each morning, before he went back to pretending he hadn't noticed. This morning, however, something changed.

He brushed past Sirius to get into the bathroom, nearly running him over. Sirius stumbled and Remus caught his arm with one hand. Their eyes met briefly before Remus released him. Blushing, he walked quickly into the bathroom and closed the door behind himself. There had been a look in the dark gray eyes, a slight widening that Remus only remembered that night as he slept. What he remembered in the shower was the soft feel of his roommate's skin, the catch of his breath as they'd touched, the way his damp hair curled against his neck in soft tendrils, begging to be touched. It hadn't taken long for the rush to his senses to get to Remus and he found himself staying in the shower longer than he'd anticipated, imagining hands that weren't his own running over his body under the steady stream of hot water.

When he stepped out of the bathroom, Remus was surprised to find Sirius waiting for him. He'd taken long enough that they were both late for class. Not that it mattered. A detention from McGonagall wouldn't be anything new to either of them. The reason for this one would be an excuse only their closest friends would know.

"Thought you might've run to Transfiguration by now," Remus said. After getting no response, he crossed the room and sat on his bed; Sirius stiffened. He waited a few seconds for Sirius to say something. The other boy remained silent. "You know how McGonagall gets when we're late."

"I thought I'd take the chance," Sirius said quietly. "Besides, I've already got one detention this week."

Remus nodded. He turned to the chest next to his bed and began rummaging through for his pants. Why had Sirius been waiting for him to get out of the shower? He couldn't--there was no way he was making the first move. That would be far too much to ask for. And he was too quiet. The last time he acted this way was when he confronted Remus about being a werewolf--and even then, he hadn't seemed as fidgety as he appeared now, staring at his hands and avoiding eye contact.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Remus looked up. Sirius was frowning.

"Is there a problem?" Remus asked.

"I saw something this morning and I want you to tell me the truth about it."

Remus laughed softly. He couldn't have seen anything worth all this drama. Nothing worth mentioning had happened until Remus had entered the shower. And he was pretty sure the water had covered up any sounds he'd been making. Still, Sirius was having trouble meeting his eye. That couldn't be good. "What do you want me to tell you?"

"You were looking at me this morning," Sirius stated. "Why?"

Panicking would do no good, Remus knew that. Still, his stomach dropped to somewhere below his knees and he temporarily lost the ability to breathe. He silently thanked Dumbledore for teaching him to control his temper or he might've felt the change coming on then. As it was, he hoped he was imagining the sudden growth of slick fur on the back of his hands and back. His mouth had gone dry, but Remus commended himself on sounding normal when he finally spoke.

"Perhaps I was looking at you strangely because you were singing that stupid song again and taking forever in the bathroom as usual," Remus said. "Unlike you and James, my marks don't allow for me to show up to class whenever I please. You might think of being more courteous to your roommates every once in a while."

"This isn't the first time you've looked at me that way," Sirius said quickly. His eyes narrowed. "Don't think I haven't noticed."

"What's your point?" Remus asked. "That you've noticed I have eyes and use them?"

"You've been looking at me."

"Lots of people do that. As a matter of fact, that's your goal half the time."

"You know what I mean," Sirius said quietly.

Of course he knew. They both knew. It was the reason Remus couldn't raise his eyes and why Sirius looked as if he didn't know if he wanted to take a swing at the young werewolf or bolt from the room. "I don't know why it should matter," Remus said finally.

"Of course it matters! You're a--a--"
"A werewolf," Remus supplied. "Something you haven't had a problem with since you found out. And if there's anything worse out there, something that could possibly scare you more than me under the influence of a full moon, then I guess you're justified in questioning me like I've done something wrong."

"Are you thinking about it?"

"About what?" he asked, his voice rising.

"Doing something wrong."

Remus stared at Sirius. He took several deep breaths and reminded himself that if he ever attacked anyone at the school, no other would take him. His education--magical and Muggle--would be lost for good. Even Dumbledore wouldn't be able to help him. But how was he to contend with someone determined to unearth his one remaining secret, however dangerous?

"I've never considered who I am or how I feel as something wrong," he said quietly. "But to answer your question, I have not thought of doing anything to anyone." Yet, he wanted to add. It would be worth it to see Sirius squirm. Not worth it to hear the statement repeated to the rest of the Gryffindor boys in their year and then the rest of the school just before the outright revolt began.

"So, it's true then. Blokes," Sirius said simply.

"Do we really have to go through this?" Remus gestured to the school clothes scattered on his bed. He needed something to distract him from the searching look Sirius was giving him. Remus didn't know if that look meant the cool rejection he'd been expecting since the first day he stepped on the Hogwarts Express or if this questioning was the calm before the storm he'd feared since he'd first acknowledged his own feelings. Either was to be expected. Sirius wasn't known for his calm temperament, and Remus had a feeling the last thing boys at a school the size of Hogwarts wanted was someone who was different from them, in a way that truly counted.

"Well, how do expect me to react?" Sirius asked. "Finding out about you this way, I thought--"

"You thought what?" Remus asked. "That I couldn't be more of a freak, but it was okay because I was the kind you and your friends appreciate?" He pointed an accusing finger. "Don't think I don't know why you and James suddenly started talking to me a few months after school started. One or the both of you had figured it out and you thought it would be fun if I was dangerous. Of all the stupid ideas, you think being what I am must be a lark. But I put up with it because I wanted friends." Remus bit his bottom lip. He'd admitted more than he wanted to, but he wasn't entirely sure he was sorry. It was long past time for the truth to come out.

"If you want to judge me, that's your problem. I'm the same person you knew yesterday and the day before and for years before that. But I'd appreciate you not blabbing what you know to everyone in the school."

"I wouldn't," Sirius said softly.

"Why wouldn't you?" Remus shouted. "You're so repulsed by the very idea--"

"I'm not," Sirius said, raising his voice to shout over his angry roommate. "It just caught me off guard. And I'd never tell anyone. It would likely get you beaten up. Or worse. Someone might think you'd want to try something with them--"

"Like you did? Yeah, and it'd be horrible if I found someone at this school attractive, wouldn't it? That's why you had to say something."

"Look, I didn't mean to get in your face about it. But what did you expect me to think with you staring at me like that?"

"That I think you're--" Remus stopped himself. For the first time he could remember, Sirius Black was blushing. It was probably best if he didn't attempt to finish his statement. Especially since there were so many adjectives floating through his mind, he knew Sirius would reach a new, unheard of level of embarrassment if he voiced them. It would be pointless anyway. Sirius had made it clear he didn't return Remus's feelings and Remus didn't want to make him feel any more uncomfortable than he already did. It was enough that he didn't seem agitated anymore.

"I really should get dressed," Remus said. He glanced at the clothes scattered on his bed. "I have to make it to Transfiguration with enough time for McGonagall to yell at me and send me to my next class."

Sirius laughed. "Just tell her I made you late and she'll probably let you off. It's worked for Peter quite a few times."

With that, the tension between them was broken. It had taken several weeks, but after a while, their relationship returned to normal--Sirius the wild, most outgoing one of their group, Remus in the background quietly watching. He eventually felt comfortable enough to confide in James and Peter. James had expressed similar paranoia to Sirius, while Peter had merely found it hysterical that his first admitted crush was on Sirius. Gradually, it was as if little had changed between them, with one small difference. Remus finally felt sure he could trust his friends with anything.

Now, living with Sirius, that feeling of safety was being threatened. Remus wanted to trust his friend, but his fear for his own sanity was of utmost concern. Would it be better to tell Sirius not to tease him and have to deal with questions about why the teasing got to him or should he let it continue and convince himself that the banter and growing tension between them meant nothing?

To Sirius, it was probably just that. Nothing. A way to pass days dotted with little more than drinking, parties and girls. Admittedly, that long ago crush had long since faded into the occasional harmless look. But all intentions of remaining stoic were for naught as Sirius had obviously grown a little too comfortable with his friend's sexuality. Living in his house could easily become torture if Remus wasn't careful. Unfortunately for Remus, his relationship with his friend was never again going to be anything as casual as a passing fancy. And unless Sirius gave him strong signals that his actions were more than just teasing, there was nothing he could do about it.

Remus should've listened to his instincts. His instincts had told him not to enter Sirius's bedroom without first checking to see if his roommate was dressed. Also, he was pretty sure he'd thought something about utilizing a great deal of self-control, but that idea was fading quickly as he crossed the room. Before he'd made it to the walk-in closet Sirius was standing inside, the other man bent over and put on a pair of black silk boxers. Remus told himself covering everything up, however enticing the wrapper, was a good thing.

"You yelled?"

Sirius nodded without turning and beckoned him closer with one hand. "I need your opinion. I want you to tell me if I look good."

"Is that a trick question?" Remus asked. Is that why you yelled for me to get in here while you were naked? He looked Sirius up and down, taking note of the way the muscles bunched in his back as he moved hangers along the top rack of clothes. His eyes drifted down to take in the way the boxers molded to the curves of Sirius's backside before he examined the long, muscular legs sprinkled with hair Remus imagined was rough to the touch. "You always look good," he added.

"No, no. In the clothes I'm wearing to the club tonight," Sirius said. He quickly pulled on a pair of black trousers and a short-sleeved black shirt. He pointed to the racks of shirts and trousers on either side of them. "I've got some things that'll fit you too. Can't have you going in Wizard's robes." He looked at the khaki trousers and white shirt Remus was wearing. "Or that."

"Oh, like your clothes are so much better."

"What?" Sirius looked down at his outfit. "All black. Goes with the name." He grinned and a dimple appeared in his left cheek. "It's a look."

"The just-left-a-funeral look?" That smile is what really got my first crush started, isn't it? But the nudity is what's started it this time, Remus thought. I really ought to talk to him about that. To distract himself, Remus looked at the colorful array of clothing for a minute before pulling a mustard yellow silk shirt from a top rack. He charmed it to turn dark red and shoved the hanger at Sirius. "Here. Put this on."

"This is nearly the same color as the pajamas you bought me."

"You look good in that color," Remus said.

Sirius held the shirt out. "For all that, I may as well wear the pajama shirt."

Remus rolled his eyes. "I know the goal is to get the girls into bed, but let's not make that too obvious from the beginning, all right?"

"Actually, tonight's goal is a bit different." Sirius handed the hanger to Remus and began unbuttoning the black shirt he was wearing. "I think I want to try an experiment."

The hanger slipped from Remus's hand. He caught it before it dropped too far and then moved to wipe the sudden beads of sweat from his hand on the side of his trousers. "Oh, really?"

"I got to thinking about what Lily said last night, how many girlfriends you had at school." Sirius laughed softly. "I think it's a load of rubbish that they couldn't tell about you from the beginning--"

"Because you caught on so quickly?"

Sirius removed the red shirt from the hanger and slipped it on. "I wasn't paying attention," he said as he buttoned his shirt. "But girls notice these things. They'd be more aware of spending time with a boy and not generating any kind of...interest."

"Just because every word out of my mouth isn't a come-on doesn't mean girls would automatically know I'm gay."

"Right. Next you're going to tell me that merely being nice to them is a way to get their attention." He tucked the bottom of his shirt into his trousers and turned to examine the back of his reflection in the full-length mirror at the back of the closet.

"It doesn't hurt," Remus said. "You might try being sincerely interested in what one of them has to say."

"I'm interested. If they're saying 'yes' or 'don't stop.' My point is, we could conduct a little contest tonight."

"A contest? Why do I not like the sound of this?"

"Where's your sense of fun?" Sirius chuckled.

"Trying not to get arrested."

"Funny. I'm pretty sure we won't be doing anything worthy of police involvement tonight. I just think it would be fun to see who can attract the most girls tonight. Since I got the new phone installed today, I say we see which of us can get the most phone numbers."

"Even though I'm not attracted to women, they should be able to sense it and I've got next to no experience chatting someone up?"

"Well, it's not like you've got no exper--" Sirius cocked his head to the side and stared at Remus. "You're not still a virgin, are you?"

"No! I just don't date very much. You know why."

"That's only an excuse three days out of the month," Sirius stated. "Now, Lily says you charm girls easily, so I'm sure you can handle this little competition. I just want to see your technique in action. The making friends thing."

"Because you can't imagine being friendly with a girl for a reason other than potentially having sex with her?"

Sirius shook his head. "Because I think it will be funny to see a room full of women throwing themselves at Mr. Smart and Sensitive while he couldn't care less. Maybe they'll turn to me when they sense you're not interested."

Remus sighed. Like he needs anyone's cast-offs. "Is there a point to this? A wager or something?"

"That's a pretty good idea," Sirius said. "How about, the winner gets...a favor from the other person? Something he'll have to do no matter what."

That would come in handy. I can make him wear clothes any time he leaves his bedroom. On the other hand, he could make me join him in that swinging free thing. Or worse. Remus frowned as a thought occurred to him. "As long as it doesn't involve dressing in women's clothing or obscene acts with animals, I can agree to that."

"What makes you think I'd suggest something like that?"

"I imagine you've thought about putting me in a pretty dress once or twice." Remus took Sirius's silent grin as confirmation. "And nothing that involves me flirting with James."

Sirius laughed. "Damn, you do drive a hard bargain. That would've been funny."

"Yeah, maybe. If you could win."

"What makes you think I can't?"

Remus smiled. "I'm not saying you won't put up a good fight. It's just that I'm irresistible."

Remus grinned and sipped his drink. The gin was largely tasteless, but the vermouth swirling around the glass lent a bitter aftertaste to the clear liquid. Lifting the glass again, he emptied it in one gulp and swallowed hard, trying to mentally prepare himself to escape from the trap he'd inadvertently stepped into. Before he could open his mouth to speak, a small, soft hand began running through his hair. The blonde girl sitting on the stool in front of him frowned.

"Do you mind?" she said to the girl behind him.

"Yes, I do," the tall brunette answered. She grabbed Remus by the shoulders and turned him to face her. "Hi, I'm Alice." Alice smiled and he saw the bright fuchsia lipstick she'd recently reapplied smudged across her top teeth. If the invisible cloud surrounding her was any indication, she'd also doused herself with perfume just before walking over.

Remus raised his empty glass to his lips for a few seconds, willing his smile to go down so she wouldn't know he was trying not to laugh. "Hello, Alice," he said after a moment.

"Ooh, you have a deep voice," she said. She rubbed her hand over the lapel of his white jacket. "Buy me a drink?"

"Excuse me!" His companion from the bar stood and pushed Alice on the shoulder, forcing her to take a lurching step back. "I was here first."

I'm going to need another drink after this, Remus thought as his companion stepped forward. One strap of her green mini dress slipped down, threatening to expose a good portion of her top half. Remus turned to the bartender and motioned for him to refill his glass. A fourth drink wouldn't hurt. At least, it would make the idea of women arguing over him for the second time that night slightly less likely to inspire hysterical laughter. Remus slid the bartender a crumpled bill and turned back to the girls; they were standing next to him and scowling at each other, hands planted on their hips in pre-fight stance.

"Ladies, you really shouldn't argue--not over me," Remus said.

"See, you're a sweetheart," Alice said, running one hand along his cheek. "That's why a tart like Ella doesn't deserve you."

"Tart, am I?" Ella snatched Alice's hand away from Remus and threw it to her side. "You have nerve to call me that when you went into the loo with that bloke for a few minutes?"

Remus didn't even have look where she was pointing to see that she was referring to Sirius, who was now on the dance floor, shaking his hips in rhythm with two women flanking him in front and back. In spite of any recent bathroom excursions, their "no magic" rule had put a major cramp in Sirius's style. At least, Remus assumed it was a cramp. Sirius was only dancing with two girls, as opposed to the four or five he'd always had on the run at Hogwarts. Then again, he could easily have sent a girl to get him a drink.

If he listened carefully, Remus thought he could hear his friend tunelessly singing, "Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing. Yeah yeah! Show 'em how we do it now," and then a minute later shouting "Shake it! Shake it!" Sirius threw his arms in the air and shook while beads of sweat slid down his face. It seemed half the people in the club were singing with him, but Remus knew that was an illusion brought on by his own lips moving as he watched Sirius light up his corner of the dark and crowded dance floor.

The women continued arguing, but Remus ignored them, watching as Sirius moved his head back and forth, his ear-length hair swinging through the air and sticking to his forehead and neck in small clumps. A grin split Sirius's face as one of the women groped his butt though his fitted black trousers. After a couple of minutes, the song ended and Remus lost him in the crowd as he made his way towards the bar.

"You'll have to excuse me, ladies. I need to catch up with my friend." The woman continued to ignore Remus as he picked up his drink and walked down the bar, trying to look over everyone's heads for a messy head of dark hair he recognized. Finally, he spotted Sirius close to the end of the long bar, leaning forward to speak into the ear of a redhead in a barely there purple tube top and equally small skin tight shorts. Remus got close enough to tap him on the shoulder before stopping to listen to what Sirius was saying to the woman.

"I bet your love looks like a mountain and I'd love to slide down into your canyon." Remus nearly choked on his laughter. Did he really get anywhere talking like that?

She giggled and slid her hand along Sirius's leg. "You can hardly see anything from where you are, but I can give you a better look if we find someplace more private."

"Mm. That sounds nice," Sirius responded. Before he could add anything else, Remus tapped him on the shoulder. He turned, frowning. "Oh, it's you."

"Nice to see you too, mate." Remus nodded at the redhead before leaning closer to Sirius. "It's nearly one. This place shuts down in an hour, but I think I need to get out of here now."

"Oh, now?" Sirius groped for his shot glass on the bar. "I'll come with you."

"No, you enjoy your company," Remus said, putting a hand to his friend's shoulder. "I'll see you in the morning." He leaned closer still. "Don't forget the sound muffling charms."

With a brief nod at the pair, Remus downed his drink in one gulp, dropped the glass to the bar and made his way through the crowd and into the startlingly frigid night air. Remus performed a quick warming charm on himself as he walked, scanning the street until he found a quiet corner. He turned on the spot and Apparated to the front stoop of the house. As he moved to unlock the front door, he heard a loud crack echo behind him and turned, surprised to see Sirius quickly strolling up the sidewalk.

"I thought you were going to stay," Remus said as he pushed the front door open.

"It wouldn't have been any fun without you."

Remus grinned. They'd hardly seen each other all night, partly because of the crowd of women who continuously surrounded Sirius, partly because Remus had spent the first hour after their arrival staring into his glass, wondering why he'd ever fooled himself that Sirius could develop even the slightest interest in him. After his second drink, he'd loosened up enough to dance. That's when the women began to take notice of him, much to his growing amusement. His moves were hardly as fluid as Sirius's, but that hadn't stopped women from slipping their numbers into a pocket of the white trousers he'd borrowed, or tugging at the wide lapels of his black shirt to get his attention.

Remus suspected it was partly due to the little piles of white powder they were sniffing at the bar, but he didn't want to question what was suddenly making him the ladies' man he'd never been. He was just happy he hadn't upset any of the women by laughing at their enthusiasm. If Sirius wanted to take him out again, Remus was strongly considering a Muggle Repelling Charm for the most persistent of them.

"Come on," Sirius said. "Out with it."
"What?"

"I'm sure that smile is because you think you got me beat tonight." Sirius circled Remus, studying him in the dim light coming through the window next to the door. "I have to admit, you did look pretty good out there dancing."

Remus was glad for the darkness as his face warmed. "I only got a few," he said. "From the crowd of women around you, I suspect you'll have at least a dozen." Remus reached into his right trouser pocket and closed his fingers around the slips of paper he'd been itching to get rid of all night.

Sirius lifted his wand and lit it as he pulled his hand from his own pocket. He glanced back and forth between the numbers and matchbooks in his hand and the stash Remus had revealed.

"I don't get it," Sirius said after a minute of staring. "How'd you end up with twice as many numbers?"

Besides the fact that you were obnoxious all night? Remus smiled and glanced down at the slips of papers in his hand. He didn't want to embarrass his friend further by showing him the numbers in his other trouser pocket. Or his jacket pocket. Or the one written onto his palm.

"Maybe they saw something in me you'll never see," Remus said. He pulled out his wand and Vanished the slips of paper from his hand. "Sometimes, attraction isn't about playing games. It's about saying what you want and meaning it. Even girls get tired of dancing, Padfoot."

He felt there was a healthy level of crap in the words, particularly since he hadn't said anything encouraging to the women who'd thrown themselves at him. He'd just politely listened to most of them. Sirius was too busy racking up numbers to give more than a few of them personal attention and the women had noticed. Simple as that. But as Sirius's face fell, Remus decided not to alert him to that fact. It might do his ego some good to come down a peg or two.

"What makes you think that?" Sirius asked in a quiet voice.

Remus had turned away to go up the stairs. He turned back at the question, his brows drawn together in confusion. "Think what?"

"That there's something in you I'll never see," he said.

Remus smiled sadly. "It's just a feeling I have," he responded. "You only look at me a certain way because that's how you're comfortable seeing me, no matter how much I may have changed since you first thought it." Remus frowned and flinched as Sirius raised his wand too close to his eyes. "This type of conversation is probably best saved for morning tea and sobriety. Good night, Sirius."

Sirius's farewell followed Remus up the stairs, seeming to echo in his ear until he closed the bedroom door behind himself. He was imagining it. Had to be. Because there was no way that brief look of longing in his friend's eyes meant anything more than wanting to see what other people could. Remus knew that Sirius would never be able to see why others found him attractive, and what he could be drawn to if he let himself. But that brief, confused look gave him hope. He cursed his active imagination.