Free Will and Fate

A long while after leaving the dungeons, Harry awoke to the feel of soft fingers stroking the side of his face. His forehead puckered briefly and then he opened his eyes. Harry squinted against the sudden onslaught of light then smiled when his eyes adjusted and he saw Hermione. She offered him a smile of her own. Her fingers moved to his hair and she leaned forward to plant a kiss on his forehead.

"Welcome back," she whispered.

Harry looked around the room briefly. From what he remembered before falling unconscious, it was no wonder he was in St. Mungo's. He shifted on the bed and plucked at the stark white sheet tucked around his body. "How long have I been here?"

"Two days." Hermione glanced over her shoulder. The light blue curtain separating Harry's bed from the other side of the room remained unmoved. Harry couldn't hear anything beyond it. Hermione turned back to him and took his hand. "You were in a lot of pain and they had to keep you knocked out."

Harry closed his eyes and nodded. "The pain I remember," he said. He opened his eyes and smiled again as a thought came to him. "I can't wait to get out of here."

"Why is that?" she asked.

He smirked and raised one hand to beckon her closer. "I want to celebrate my return to health properly," he whispered. He slipped his hand to her neck and pulled her down until her lips connected with his. Kissing her made Harry feel more alive--well, certainly more alive than he'd been in the past few days. It was such a relief that everything had been dealt with, that he'd gotten what he wanted, he was finally ready to live the life he'd created by changing his past. If Hermione's smile when he released her was any indication, she was more than ready for his full change of heart as well.

"Does this mean what I think it means?" she whispered in a haltering voice.

Harry blushed as he said, "The minute we can be alone for more than a few minutes, I'll show you how happy I am things turned out this way. Though with everything that's happened, I don't know when that will be. I can't imagine what's going on at Hogwarts right now."

Hermione looked away from him for a second before moving to lean on the bed, her head resting next to Harry's pillow. Clasping his hand in hers, she said, "There's a lot you've missed."

"Tonks." Harry attempted to sit up and immediately fell back into the pillow as a headache began just behind his eyes. "I feel so stupid. I should've asked about her as soon as I woke up."

"Don't feel bad, Harry. You've gone through a lot yourself," Hermione said. "The Healers think she'll recover from her injuries in time. They're not really sure...a few of the curses he used on her..." She stopped again and sighed. "They've never seen anything like her injuries. None of the curses were as bad as the Senium Curse, but they can't tell if her injuries are permanent yet."

"She could be dying because of me?"

Recognizing Harry's immediate reaction to start blaming himself, Hermione squeezed his hand and turned to kiss him on the cheek. "She's not dying. But, there are some complications that may take longer to recover from than normal battle scars. Voldemort was doing something to her mind...it's all still up in the air," Hermione said. "They're trying to see if they can use the potion to come up with a permanent solution for her."

Harry said nothing as she attempted to reassure him. He knew where the blame lay if Tonks couldn't recover, even if Snape and Voldemort had been the ones to torture her. He could've insisted that Professor McGonagall allow him to get involved. He could've waited for Snape in the dungeons instead of going to the Headmistress's office with Hermione. It was too late to worry about it now. He knew better than to wish he could go back and change anything in his past.

"How's my mum been?"

At this, Hermione sat up and squeezed his hand. "Professor McGonagall and the Minister sat her and your godfather down and told them the whole story."

"Everything?" Harry asked. "I thought they felt it all might be too much to hear at once."

"She insisted," Hermione said. "After they told her everything that had happened since school started, she asked a few more questions. About your scar. Why you seemed...different when she talked to you. Why you were acting strangely around Raven." She shrugged. "They couldn't very well say nothing."

"She knows I saved her life?" Harry asked.

Hermione nodded. "She also knows how her sister and brother-in-law treated you and the basics of what happened when you came to Hogwarts," Hermione said. "There really wasn't time to go into a lot of detail, but she understands why you changed your past."

Harry frowned. "Did she say that? How does she feel about it?"

"I--" Hermione stopped herself and squeezed Harry's hand again. "You should really talk to her about it."

"Hermione." At his wide-eyed look, she turned away.

"Harry, I can't." Turning back, she lowered her eyes from his gaze and chewed her bottom lip for a few seconds. Harry squeezed her hand and whispered her name again. Hermione sighed. "I think she's taking it hard. She--you saw how she was after we told her about Professor Snape. Since he...now that he's gone and she's found all this out, she's been so quiet. She's been staying with Sirius and as far as I know, she doesn't really say much to anyone when she visits you both--"

"Both?" Harry attempted to sit up again and winced at the pain shooting through his head. "Wait, am I on the other side of that curtain?"

Hermione nodded, her eyes darting to the barrier again. "The Minister felt it would be easier to keep your location a secret if you're in the same room."

"Why would he need to keep my location a secret? It's over. I saw to that."

Hermione's eyes narrowed at his choice of words. "Professor Lestrange killed an Auror and escaped sometime Saturday afternoon. She hasn't been seen since she left the Ministry. The Minister feels like she might come after you again for...ending their plans. That was one of the things Tonks found in her memories before she impersonated her. She and Professor Snape both blamed you for their plans being stalled."

"If she's going to come after me, wouldn't it make more sense to make it obvious where I am? She'll most certainly try and then they can arrest her."

"Or you can help if she's not arrested?" Hermione asked.

Harry closed his eyes and sighed. "Hermione, we talked about this. I told you I wouldn't get involved in the dungeons unless I felt I had to. You didn't see Tonks tied up in that office. You didn't see what he did to Sirius and Dumbledore."

"You saved their lives," Hermione said. "They told us everything you did."

"Then why are you acting so horrified by what happened?"

"You don't think it's horrible that you killed someone?" Hermione dropped his hand. The unspoken accusation hung in the air between them. That Snape's death wasn't a matter of defense so much as a planned execution. "I know what he did was bad, but--" She stopped at Harry's frown. "It's done now and I'm glad you survived it, but I wish you hadn't felt you had to do it."

"I wish he hadn't gotten so close to getting away. I would have preferred he confess everything in open court so my mother could hear," Harry said. "I hate thinking that she might still blame me for what happened or think this might still be part of some kind of personal grudge against Snape."

"I never believed you didn't have genuine reason to dislike him," Lily said.

Harry looked up to find his mother standing at the edge of the curtain, a small frown on her face. She looked tired and, Harry would swear, like she'd aged a decade since he'd last seen her in Professor McGonagall's office. Her eyes were slightly red and glassy, her face wearing every bit of worry and strain she'd had heaped on her since the previous Saturday. She pulled a worn brown sweater tight around her midsection and it was then Harry noticed she seemed smaller somehow, as if the loss of her second husband and the illusions she had to bury with him had deflated her. Lily briefly attempted a smile for her son before abandoning the pretense and stepping closer to the bed, waving in deference to Hermione as the girl stood to offer her a seat.

"You don't need to leave, sweetie. I just wanted to look in on Harry for a minute."

"You're not going to stay?" Harry asked. He watched her attempt another smile as she stopped next to him. Hermione stood and motioned Lily into her seat at Harry's bedside.

"I--" She glanced at Hermione. "You've been through so much, I thought you'd want to catch up." Lily turned back to him and placed a hand on the bed. She began playing with a loose thread on the edge of the white sheet. "Besides, you need your rest. Especially considering all that's been going on. You'll probably be able to go back tomorrow."

Harry frowned. "I'm never going back. I did this to have a life with you."

"I don't mean...you'll be back at Hogwarts tomorrow," Lily said. "The Healers said as soon as you woke and felt all right, you'd be able to attend classes again."

"Wait," Harry said. He pushed himself to a sitting position, ignoring the pain thundering behind his eyes. "You're staying with Sirius right now, aren't you? Don't you want me with you?"

Her mouth trembled on the verge of an answer and Lily stopped, swallowing hard before she said, "You really should be in school, Harry. A lot has happened and the best thing is for you to get back to a normal routine."

"None of this has been normal," he responded. "Damn it, look at me!"

Startled, she looked up at her now angry son. "Harry, don't talk to me--"

"How can I not talk to you like that? You can't even look me in the eye," he said. Harry grabbed his mother's hand from the bed and brought it to his forehead. Her fingers curled against the distended flesh of his scar. "Somewhere, there was once a version of you that loved me enough to die for me and you can't bring yourself to look at me?" Harry dropped her hand and watched her pull it back quickly, tucking it under the opposite arm at her side. She rocked in the chair, staring at the floor.

"Did what happened make you stop loving me?" he asked, his voice choking on the last words. Harry cleared his throat. "If I hadn't done something, he would've killed everyone in that room. He wouldn't have hesitated to hurt me if it would've gotten him what he wanted. Or would you have preferred if he'd been the only person to leave that room alive?"

"Of course not," Lily responded.

"Then what's wrong?" Harry asked. Tears stung his eyes and he wiped at them frantically with the heels of his hands. "Why are you acting like you don't even know me anymore?"

"I don't know you," she whispered, finally raising her eyes to look at her son. "I loved you and I protected you and I wanted the best for you, but you are not the boy I raised." Lily leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms over her chest, staring at a spot on the wall beyond Harry's head. "I don't know how you can expect me to act like nothing's happened."

"I don't expect that. I do expect you to be my mother," he said. "If you can."

"Hermione."

They both looked over as the drawn-out whisper carried across the hospital room. Hermione jumped and swiveled to face the blue curtain, her eyes darting back and forth between the boy in the bed before her and the curtain. After a few more seconds, she gave Harry a guilty glance and went to the other side of the room. He heard her murmuring softly before that side of the room became silent once again.

"I'm sorry."

Harry looked away from the curtain at his mother's whisper. Reaching over, he took her hand in his again. "There's nothing for you to be sorry for."

"Yes, there is," Lily said. "I should've believed you when you said something was wrong with him. Both...both of you told me and I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to think you were just angry at him, angry at everyone because we wouldn't live our lives the way you wanted." She looked up at her son, tears coursing freely down her face. "I didn't want to have to choose between the two of you." She let out a sob when Harry squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry because if you had asked, I'm not sure which one of you I would have chosen."

Her last words were barely audible, but the full meaning of them felt like a stab in the heart. Harry wanted to pull away from his mother then, to pull back into himself and pretend like the hurt he was experiencing hadn't come from the woman who gave him life and was now looking at him like a stranger who had taken all joy from hers. He wanted to crawl inside himself and take on all the pain Tonks had endured on his behalf because that--anything--had to feel better than the certainty that his mother, this version of her, didn't love him. Oh, but she cared for him very deeply; he could tell from the guilt in her eyes. But, would this Lily Evans Potter Snape have died for love of her son?

Rather than let his mind answer that question, Harry tugged on his mother's hand until she came into his arms, pulling her into an awkward hug that ended when Sirius Black entered the room behind her.

"I was hoping you'd come here, Lily," he said as Harry released his mother. "I was about to send out a search party."

"Sorry." She sat back and pulled the sweater tight again, pressing her lips into a thin line as she regarded her son.

One hand drifted lazily to Lily's shoulder. "Don't apologize. I know how worried you've been about Harry." Sirius turned to his godson. "We all were. How are you feeling?"

Harry nodded, watching as his mother leaned into Sirius's side and his hand went to rest on top of her hair. "Better than I was the last time I saw you. What did he do to me?"

Sirius cleared his throat and his eyes drifted away from Harry's face for a few seconds as he contemplated his answer. "The Minister wants to discuss that with you." He grinned and Harry tried to ignore the obvious falseness of the gesture. "I know it's not really manly to bring flowers, so I brought these." He held out a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. "I hope they're okay."
"Oh, these are great," Harry said. He grabbed the bag and pulled the top open. "I love these."

"I know," Sirius said. "Used to eat them for dinner every chance you got."

Lily looked up at him sharply. "Harry has never eaten Bertie Bott's for dinner."

His godfather grinned. "Did when I used to baby-sit. I figured, what you didn't know wouldn't hurt."

"I mean, he never--" She stopped and cleared her throat. "You never kept Harry overnight. James would've given you hell if he'd known you gave our son sugar before you dropped him back at home."

"It was James's idea," Sirius said. He held up both hands in a defensive gesture. "I swear it. He said mixing one pickle with two grape marmalades and one asphalt could get Harry to do everything from taking a bath to picking up his toys without so much as one protest." He turned to Harry. "It was the nuttiest thing I'd ever heard, but your dad was always right when it came to that kind of thing."

Harry smiled and turned the candy bag in his hands as he searched for a pickle-flavored one. "I wish I'd known him," he said.

"I wish you'd gotten a chance to meet him too," Sirius responded, his voice soft.

"Can you take me back now?" Lily asked. She stood from the bedside and clasped Sirius's hand. "I think I need to lay down."

"But Lily, you haven't been here very long." Sirius turned to her, his brow furrowed in confusion. "You need to talk to him," he whispered.

"It's all right," Harry said. "She can always come visit me at school. If she can bring herself to do it."

Huffing air through tight lips, Lily released Sirius's hand and brushed past the blue curtain.

"You'll have to give her time," Sirius said. He turned back to the bed. "She has to process everything that's happened."

"You mean she has to decide if she loves me enough to not blame me for any of it," Harry said. He swiped at his tears again and popped a couple of pieces of candy into his mouth. The pickle and grape marmalade weren't bad together, he decided. He looked up at his startled godfather. "I'm not stupid. She can't even stand to be in a room with me, not while I'm awake, at least."

Sirius shuffled back and forth from one foot to another before finally settling in the chair next to the bed. "That's not it, Harry. She loves you and your sister more than her own life."

Harry snorted.

"She does. But she's just lost. However I felt about Snape when we were in school and after everything we've just found out, she loved him. When she lost your dad--"

"Because of Snape," Harry interrupted.

"She didn't know what to do with herself," Sirius continued. "She shut down, could barely take of herself, let alone you. I couldn't help her. She said being around me, even on the good days when she wasn't in bed all day crying, she felt like I was a constant reminder of what she'd lost. She felt the same thing about Remus Lupin and a few of our other school friends. On the other hand, relatively few of her favorite memories of James were connected to Snape."

"Because they hated each other. With good reason," Harry added. Before Sirius could comment, he said, "I know my dad was a bully. And you helped him."

Sirius looked at his godson for a few moments in silence. "I'm going to have to get used to you too," he whispered. "Yes, we bullied him. We behaved stupidly for a number of years. It was pointless and, what's more, it helped him become the person he became."

"You're not to blame for him being a monster," Harry said.

"No, but he might not have gone after your father if we'd ever gone easy on him," Sirius said. "I never blamed myself for what happened to your father; how could I? But, knowing what I know now, I have to think what we did to Snape made him worse than he might have turned out otherwise. Your mum is going through something similar. Some part of her thinks because she chose James even after she witnessed the way he treated Snape, he acted out his hatred in the worst way possible. What you said to her the other day didn't help."

Harry dropped the half-empty bag of candy onto the bed. "I never blamed her for what happened to Dad. I never said that."

Sirius shook his head. "No, but you didn't have to. She found a thousand reasons to blame herself when he died--everything from not finding his symptoms suspicious earlier to possibly exposing him to something by accident. When you....when you said Snape poisoned James so he could have her, she found the excuse she'd been trying to pin on herself for ten years."

Harry fell back against the pillow. "I never meant for her to feel that way. I never...I wanted...she has to understand that no one is to blame but him." Harry pushed the sheet aside, sending the candy and bag tumbling to the floor. He swung his legs to the edge of the bed. "I have to tell her. She has to understand. If that's why she hates me now--"

"She doesn't hate you," Sirius corrected. "As odd as it may seem for you, she sees you as little bit of a stranger." He put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "She loves you. Never mistake that. But, it's going to take a lot more than a few days for all of you to feel like anything resembling a normal family again. You have to give her time. Not only to process everything you went through to get here, but also to forgive herself for not believing in you." Sirius paused. "And she has to grieve for him."

He put up a hand to stop Harry's next words. "I know. It's difficult to understand. But some part of her did love him and he had to have earned at least a little of it. He may have caused her pain in ways she can't even think about right now, but he also supported her through the hardest thing she ever had to deal with. They had been friends since childhood, shared a life for a long while and they have a daughter. You have to respect that she's not going to share your hatred of him. Not completely. There may always be a part of her that loves him, if for Raven's sake than nothing else."

Harry shook his head and edged closer to the side of the bed. "What if she...she deals with everything in her own mind and then decides she wants nothing to do with me? I look like my father and I did something that allowed his killer to take advantage of her. What if she decides she hates me after all?"

"She will never do that," Sirius assured him. "As confused as your mother is right now, she will never turn her back on you." He stood and raised his wand to clean up the spilled candy. "I'll bring you another bag later. You should get back into bed until the Healers have cleared you."

"I want to talk to my mother again," Harry said. "I have to get her to understand." He slid to the edge of the bed and would have stood up if Sirius hadn't held him in place, keeping a firm grim on his shoulder until he stopped trying to move.

"The stubbornness of both your parents combined," he commented. "I'll go outside and speak with your mother, get her to give you a proper goodbye."

"Force her to pretend," Harry commented.

Sirius squeezed Harry's shoulder. "I'm sorry for all the things that have happened to make you so bitter, but this is one time when you can't be impatient. Your mother loves you...and so do I and a number of other people. Give it time to sort itself out."

Sirius was halfway to the curtain before Harry called out, "Can you tell me how Tonks is doing?" When Sirius stopped in place and turned, another forced smile on his face, Harry cursed himself for not asking sooner.

"She's...better than she was. There's really no way of knowing when she'll completely recover, but that potion the Healers gave her..." He smiled. "You and Hermione helped uncover that, right?" Harry nodded. "It's done a lot the past couple of days. You helped saved her. And me, for that matter. Thank you."

Before Harry could respond, his godfather disappeared behind the curtain and he was left to his own dark thoughts, blaming himself for the death of everything his mother held dear--including the eventual loss of the son she clearly preferred to him.