My Everything

October 27, 1977.

What more does she want from me? I've tried everything. I've given up pranks, sneaking into Hogsmeade, everything that used to make me, well, me. Anything that she disliked, poof, it's gone. And yet she still refuses to acknowledge the fact that I'm not that obnoxious little berk anymore.

Lily Evans has been the center of my universe for seven years. I knew the instant that I saw her that she was perfect in every way, shape and form. I somehow understood that she would be my perfect match.

And then, naturally, she hated me. For no reason. Well, actually, she might have a reason, but I didn't mean to turn her hair pink! It was all Sirius's idea, I swear!

Anyway, when I did turn her hair pink, she yelled at me profusely. And then she told me that she hated me. And that is what I think started my obsession with her. And since, of course, I was an idiotic boy, I tried to attract her attention in the only way I could think of. I pranked her.

I went through entire books of pranks to play on her. I turned her hair numerous colors. I hid fake bugs and snakes under her covers. I tried so hard. And, since I was still brainless, I didn't realize that every prank I played on her made her hate me even more. And then she started going out with other guys.

The thought of her with them made my blood boil, and still does. They would never love her like I do, and yet she preferred them to me. And then I figured out that I had never once asked her out. I had this epiphany that if I did ask her, she would say yes. And so, in our fourth year, I did.

I don't think anyone had ever rejected me before, so it was a big surprise when she told me, very nicely, that even if I were the last guy on earth, she would still rather eat bubotuber puss than go out with me. This rejection, coupled with the fact that I was still obsessed with her, prompted me to bug her every hour of every day, hoping against hope that she would wear down. But she never did.

Now that I think about it, I don't blame her for not going out with me. From about fourth year through sixth year, Sirius and I were the school's Casanova duo. I dated and dumped about 5 girls every month. And yet I hadn't ever thought of the fact that she thought I only wanted to date her because she was the only one who had ever refused me.

And then there was the fact that I thought I was better than everyone else. I got high grades in all my subjects, and I was a quidditch master. So I thought that those two things gave me the right to lord over and harass everyone else. And let me tell you, Lily didn't like that one bit.

And so we went on, me never realizing that every time I did or said anything to Lily, she began to hate me all the more. And then one day, Remus decided that we both had probably been through enough, and decided to give me a lecture on how not to act when trying to impress girls.

He told me not to prank her, and that I should leave her alone for a while. He told me that I should stop the one night stands. And, he told me, the most important thing that I should do is stop hexing people randomly. Even Snivellus, no matter how much he deserves it. And, for the sake of Lily Evans, I decided to try.

I have been doing it for nearly four months, and yet she still hadn't noticed that I've changed. Sometimes I wonder if she ever will. I wonder if I've ever had any hope.

I had hoped that being Head Boy with Lily would enable me to show her exactly how mature I've become, but she hasn't caught on yet. She doesn't see past the obnoxious person I used to be.

And I have tried. When her Parents were killed by Voldemort, I tried to comfort her. When she failed a transfiguration test, I was there to dry her tears. When she perfected something that the rest of us had no chance of every doing, I cheered her on. And yet she still refuses to believe that I genuinely care about her. And seems to thing that it's all some kind of cruel hoax.

I asked Remus about this, about why she thinks I'm being cruel by asking her out. He pointed out that my history as a prankster did not help me much, nor did the fact that I had dated almost every girl in the school. Lily just thought that I wanted to go out with her since she was the only one who didn't fall at my feet.

I could hardly believe that she would think so low of me, but I guess I do see her point. I just wish I could make her see how false it was. I could never do something that cruel to anyone, let alone my precious Lily.

Sirius is always asking why I'm still so hung up on her, since she hates me so much. I can never give him a good answer. It could be those eyes, the fact that she does hate me, or, well, almost anything.

I have often thought of what I would do if I did give up on her. And the idea of doing so has crossed my mind more than once, I will admit. But I don't think I will ever be able to give up on her.

Being around her is like being burned by hot candle wax. It hurts, but after a few seconds it becomes oh so very addicting, and you want to do it over and over again. Each time, you burn yourself a little more, and you know you're doing more damage to yourself, but you just can't help doing it some more.

So I'll continue to have a weakness for Lily Evans, no matter how many times she hurts me. After all, maybe she will see the light one of these days. Just maybe.

But more important that anything, I love her. I always have loved her, from the moment I first saw her. And I always will love her, even if she hates me. I will always be there, watching over her, trying to protect her.

Lily Evans is my sun, my moon, my stars. She is my everything. And without her, I wouldn't want to be alive.

James Potter.