Resonance

Chapter 32 -- Applying Oneself

It was a cold, windy day for the Slytherin-Ravenclaw match. Harry was very glad they weren't playing as he and his friends mounted the steps up to the stands and came out in the brisk breeze that froze his cheeks. He wrapped his new cloak tightly around himself as he sat between Ron and Penelope.

"For which side are you cheering?" Penelope asked.

"Oh . . ." Harry said and hesitated.

Ron's head snapped around at his indecision and he glared at Harry. "Don't tell me . . . " he breathed in annoyance.

"I like Suze. I wouldn't mind if she caught the snitch," Harry explained calmly.

Ron grumbled but it sounded vaguely conciliatory.

The Gryffindor stands were rooting for Ravenclaw, so Harry kept his cheering for the Slytherin Seeker quiet. Roody, the Ravenclaw Seeker was around Harry's size and he was having a very hard time keeping up. Harry could see him deciding to just play his own game and ignore his pale, feather-light opposite.

The Slytherin Chasers, which Harry had not had time to watch last game, were really very good. And very violent, rarely swerving out of the path of an opponent who tried to cut them off. Sometimes they would just take a bludger to the body rather than lose an offensive setup. Quickly the score was fifty to ten. The green clad Beaters then focused on Roody, who couldn't handle both the violent harassment and his agile opponent. He let himself be forced farther out of the pitch area, where it was not impossible the snitch was hovering, but it was unlikely.

Forty-five minutes into the match, the crowd rose to its feet as Suze turned and dove for the snitch. Roody was too far away but he turned anyway and sped toward the center of the arena. The snitch dodged twice, but Suze stayed right with it and snatched it out of the air.

The Slytherin stands erupted into cheers. Harry grinned. Ron gave him a disgusted look as the crowd drew in its breath and shouts of warning went up. Harry turned in time to see Roody careen into Suze, unable to slow in time from his mad dive. Harry stiffened at the sound of the collision of bodies and brooms. Without forethought he dashed for the stairs and took them three at a time. Other spectators were also pouring onto the pitch.

When Harry arrived where the teams were landing, Suze was trying to stand up and her teammates were urging her to stay put. Roody was rubbing his elbow with a pained frown. Harry grabbed the front of his jersey and demanded, "What did you bloody well think you were doing?"

Roody gaped at him in complete shock and Harry released him with a small shove. Everyone around them quieted, waiting to see what might develop. Snape arrived and ordered Suze to sit down on the frozen grass to await Madame Pomfrey. Ron grabbed Harry's arm and tugged him away from the Ravenclaw team. "Hey there, mate. No fighting," he said in a strangely amiable tone. Hermione was giving him a very soft look.

Harry tried to justify his reaction. "She's too small, Roody should have been more careful."

"Harry, it's Quidditch," Ron stated as if that covered it.

Harry glanced back. A witch and a wizard he didn't recognize were crouching beside Suze, fussing over her despite her protestations. Harry studied Suze's very ordinary looking parents as the crowd pressed in, blocking the view.

They walked slowly back to the castle. "You were starting a fight?" Penelope asked Harry.

"Wasn't trying to," Harry replied.

Ron supplied with a crooked grin, "Harry was just standing up for his date from the Christmas Ball.

Penelope blinked at that. "She is so young, no?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "I was ordered to find a dance partner for the ball," he griped, trying to close the topic. "It wasn't a date."

Ron, still in a teasing mode, went on, "So he picked the girl that would make the teachers least happy with him."

"I had a nice time," Harry said defensively. "So did she."

* * *

Hermione found herself cornered on the way to Advanced D.A., of all times. "Ms. Granger," McGonagall intoned before opening her classroom door and inviting Hermione inside. Hermione followed and kept her face neutral as she waited for McGonagall to speak.

"How are things going?" the headmistress asked. "I had Harry to my office for tutoring just an hour ago, but I cannot read him."

"Pretty good, I think," Hermione said. "He is partnered with one of the new students on a Care of Magical Creatures project. Penelope. I get the sense that they've talked a little."

"Good," she breathed. "Harry, of all people, should not feel left out." She gestured that Hermione could leave.

Hermione hurried down to the Room of Requirement. She was determined to make Harry try the Canarevelatio spell today.

While the rest of the students worked on building what the book called membrane energy, Hermione cornered her friend. "Try for me, please," she pleaded. When he frowned, she pulled out the big guns. "Your father would be so proud of you, following in his footsteps." She held her breath. That was either going to work, or backfire badly.

Harry huffed and sat on the side bench to take off his shoe. Ron, seeing this, came over and sat beside him. Harry incanted the spell on his right foot. Nothing happened. When he shrugged, Hermione said chastisingly, "Try again." Harry did so, many times, still with no result.

Suze came over as well and stood beside Hermione, who said, "Maybe you are thinking of the wrong animal. What are you thinking of?"

"A stag, like my father and my Patronus," he said, a little annoyed.

Suze in her lilting voice, said, "Just think of your spirit. That is what I did."

Harry's brow furrowed as he considered her. He scratched his head and thought a long time. Images of himself as various things flitted through his mind: Fawkes, a stag, a dog like Sirius. He tried to imagine himself as something else, though not anything in particular, as an essence, maybe, and spoke the spell.

"Whoa!" Ron exclaimed.

Harry looked down at his foot, which was now a big paw except scarlet furred. Bright scarlet. He was afraid to touch it, just stared at it, waiting for it change back, mostly fearful it might not.

"What is that?" Hermione said reverently as she crouched to look it over. When she reached out to touch his foot, he jerked it instinctively away. "I'm not going to hurt you, Harry," she chastised him.

"It just bothers me," he explained. His foot morphed back at that moment and he breathed out a deep sigh.

"Let's see it again," Dean said.

"No," Harry said. "I saw it enough."

Over the groans of disappointment, Hermione said, "Come over and start working on your membrane energy. Come on," she urged, tugging on his arm which forced him to follow.

* * *

McGonagall stepped into the Defense classroom between sessions. She held out a rolled parchment to Snape. "I took the liberty of checking with the Ministry if Mr. Potter had applied." She waited for him to unroll the blank form. "I apologize if I have overstepped my bounds but I have an old promise I feel obliged to uphold completely and the application period is only open one week more. I have hopes for his N.E.W.T. result, but perhaps he doesn't. I will leave it to you."

"Thank you, Minerva," Snape said. "Perhaps there is one thing more you could do . . ." he added, as she moved to the door.

Harry inevitably stopped by, that evening in fact, as Snape worked in his office. "Sit down," Snape said to him.

Harry, caught a little off-guard by the tone, which was more businesslike than expected, obeyed slowly as he tried to think of what he could be in trouble for. Snape waved the door closed and stepped before his desk, arms folded.

"Do you wish to apply for the Auror's program?" Snape asked him.

"Yes," Harry replied automatically. "I still have time, right?"

"Yes. Not much, however," Snape pointed out. "May I inquire what the delay is caused by? Clearly you won't be certain of your N.E.W.T.s until months after the deadline."

Harry looked away as he thought. When he didn't reply right away, Snape said, "Is it caused by your inability to know for certain that you have rightfully earned a spot?"

"Maybe," Harry hedged. He hadn't given it a terrible amount of thought, just kept putting it off.

"I have taken the liberty of having Headmistress McGonagall contact Ms. Tonks regarding your concerns. We have been assured by her that your application will be treated with as ordinary regard as possible. Also, that should you qualify, your testing will be equally as rigorous as your peers'."

Harry considered that. At one level, their interference bothered him, but at another he felt relieved. Snape reached into his pocket and pulled the application out. "Why don't you fill it out right now?"

Harry accepted the rough brown parchment. He hadn't filled in anything on his own copy, so starting again wasn't a problem. With one hand he flattened out the sheet on his lap as he reached in his bag for a quill. Snape set a bottle of ink on the edge of the desk for him to use. After pulling his chair closer to use Snape's desk for writing, Harry considered the sheet. The questions at the end had seemed daunting when he'd first looked it over.

"Certainly the first line does not present a problem," Snape commented snarkily.

Harry shot him a slightly annoyed look and filled in his name. It felt like he was gaming it already just with that. He kept Snape's reassurances in mind as he filled in his basic contact information, including the address in Shrewsthorpe, and date of his N.E.W.T. testing. He left the score boxes blank since the date was in the future. He willed those blanks to be filled in with the proper number of Os and Es when the time came.

Below the basic data were large, fancily-framed boxes. The first one said, Describe in 300 words or less why you wish to pursue a career as an Auror. Snape considered him as he thought this over. He stepped around to the back of the desk and sat in his chair. As he steepled his fingers before him, Snape said, "Perhaps you should answer the last question first. The answer to the first one may flow from that."

Harry uncurled the parchment to reveal the last blank space. Please include below any other details you would like considered with your application. Harry stared at that with a vaguely floating feeling that was not very conducive to writing.

Snape's voice interrupted his pointless musings. "When did you decide to become an Auror?"

"When I found out there was such a thing. Nothing else has seemed remotely interesting since then," Harry replied. "I met Tonks and the others. They enjoyed what they were doing. They were always involved in whatever was going on." Always knew what was going on, Harry thought wryly. "Whatever they are assigned, always has some kind of meaning."

"I would not go that far," Snape commented from his leaned back position in his chair. "But your point is a valid one, nonetheless. All good material for the first box."

Harry shifted the parchment up and forced himself to rephrase what he'd just said. It looked pale to him, but he had to put something down. "Do you think I should be applying?" he asked, looking for reassurance.

"Harry, if I didn't think it utterly unfair to do so, I would talk you out of it."

Harry blinked at him in surprise. "Why?"

Snape's hair had fallen half over his face as he stared over his steepled fingers. "Because it is a very hazardous occupation." He frowned inwardly and sighed.

"You don't think I'm used to that?" Harry asked.

"Perhaps too much so." Snape fell silent a long time before he said, "Promise me something, Harry."

"Of course."

"Never let your guard down," he said simply, then after a slight pause he went on in his earlier, generally helpful, tone, "The second box asks about special skills, does it not?"

Harry made himself check the answer to this. "Yes," he said. He swallowed as he thought about that. "I'm resisting writing Parseltongue," he said. "As well as pointing out that I see Death Eaters in my vision at the edge of sleep."

"You have unique insight into the Dementors," Snape said.

"Don't you think they know that?"

"If you wish to be treated as an ordinary applicant, you must behave as one and assume they know nothing."

Harry managed to write something down to the effect that since he'd temporarily been part of the Dementors' mind web, that he understood them rather better than the average wizard. He thought over his other skills. Seeker wasn't very meaningful, although his skill on a broom might be, in general. He wrote that down, trying to make it sound Quidditch neutral.

After Harry paused again in thought, Snape commented, "Certainly you have more than two skills." At Harry's shrug, he said, "Did you include your ability to teach spells to others?"

"Do you think they care?"

"It is rarer than you realize. Probably worth noting." As Harry added it, Snape said. "You are adept at Occlusion."

"Good one," Harry said, adding that with confidence.

"You pick up new spells quickly," Snape said.

Harry noted that, trying hard not to sound cocky in the phrasing. The list looked pretty good. "Last box," Harry said, considering his answer. "I suppose saying that I wouldn't know what else to do with myself wouldn't be the best thing."

"Do you have a backup plan?" Snape asked.

"No. Do you think I should?"

"For your own flexibility only. There is no chance they will turn you down for the program," Snape said evenly.

"I thought you said-" Harry said with ready offense.

Snape sat forward suddenly and interrupted him sharply. "You are consummately qualified, Potter--that is why you will not be turned down." Harry could hear plainly how Snape regretted that notion. His guardian went on, "If you are not qualified, no one is." He sat back again and stared at the far corner of the ceiling. "Use the last box to list the dark wizards you have survived battling, captured, or outrightly killed."

Harry couldn't read the tone Snape had used to say that. "Do you think I'll get past the first stage if I don't?"

"Most likely."

"Maybe I won't then."

"Your fellow applicants certainly would."

Harry stared at the blank space. "It would take a while to work it out." At Snape's snarky expression, Harry said, "I didn't mean it that way."

"The result is the same. Start from the beginning, if you must."

"How about from the evilest down?" Harry quipped in his own snarkiness. At Snape's accented shrug, Harry frowned, he found he couldn't just write, I have fought the following dark wizards, followed by a list. "I can't just write them out."

"Why not?"

Quietly, Harry replied, "Because I wish none of it had happened."

Snape rubbed his forehead before tossing his hair back and staring at the ceiling. "Why are you applying for this apprenticeship again?"

Feeling more uncertain than he ever had about it, Harry admitted, "I'm not sure."

"You need to figure it out," Snape commented levelly.

After a long pause, Harry asked, "Can I sleep on it?"

Snape ignored this plea. "What does Nymphadora Tonks have that you do not?" he asked.

That was a good question, Harry thought. He pulled off his glasses to rub his eyes as he pictured her going about her duties. "Control of her destiny?" he finally suggested.

Snape considered that at length before he said, "We should all be so lucky, Potter."

Pleading ever so slightly, Harry said, "I'm doing this because I want to. Not to stay alive . . . or to preserve everything that matters," he finished grimly.

"I wouldn't recommend writing that," Snape commented.

"It is the other side of 'what else would I do with myself?'" Harry quipped and laughed painfully. He looked down at the parchment and sighed. "I don't feel so bad now about not starting this sooner."

"I really think you should list who you have faced and be done with it. It speaks for itself," Snape said. He pulled out his wand to make tea as he spoke.

"If I didn't become an Auror, what do you think I could do?"

"Aside from follow the path Lockhart so clearly blazed for us all and sell books with yourself on the cover, perhaps teach, since you show promise for that."

Having never considered that, Harry gave it due consideration now. "But you have the job I'd want," he pointed out, amused. Snape poured tea for them both with a momentarily alarmed expression. Harry assumed it was a put-on and laughed lightly. As he accepted the cup he said, "I do want to get away from this place."

"You should. And I am not just saying that because of my lack of confidence in which of us McGonagall would choose for this position, if faced with the choice."

Harry watched him top up his tea. A surge of gratitude at having a guardian flowed through him. His friends were scheming their flight from this place, making it clear by their optimism that they would not look back, nor feel much consideration for others not so well set up with plans. At the end of the year, he would essentially be left entirely to himself were it not for the wizard sitting before him.

"Shall I list them for you?" Snape asked, breaking Harry's reverie.

"I can." Harry did as he said he couldn't stand to do, and began listing. "Quirrell, Voldemort, Tom Riddle, Peter Pettigrew, Barty Crouch Jr. . . ."

"Sirius Black," Snape suggested. At Harry's disapproving look, he added, "The Ministry would count him."

Harry shook his head and redipped his quill, surprised to find only a ghostly ache where there had once been a gaping wound. He blinked at the parchment and waited for a moment of regret to pass before he returned to his task. "The twelve at the Ministry, Voldemort again so I won't list it, especially since I'm certain I would have been toast if Dumbledore hadn't shown up. Malfoy and company, which is a subset of the Ministry . . ." Harry looked up as he thought about that. "Anything happened with the other two, Avery and Jugson?"

"The Ministry thinks they have gone to ground permanently, although they are still looking." Snape studied his fingernails as he added, "Next to Crabbe and Goyle, they were the least effective members of the Dark Lord's inner circle."

Harry had forgotten about them. He forced himself to list them too. It was a long list. He glanced back at the first box. "Should I add that I think I would be good at it?"

"No, because I think they will be spending the first year beating overconfidence out of you. That is only a guess, of course, based on interacting with many Aurors over the years. I certainly hope they will be doing so."

Harry left it off. He folded it up and took the envelope Snape offered. He copied the address from the top of the application onto the front and sealed it. Holding it in both hands, he said, "Is my detention over then?"

Snape raised an amused brow. "Yes."

Harry hesitated in the doorway as he considered how to thank Snape for putting his own inclinations aside. "Thank you, sir," he said simply.

Snape nodded as he returned to his earlier work.