Metamorphosis

When I heard his footsteps approaching - and I knew by the hurried stride that they were his - my first thought was to bury my head under the blankets and hope that he wouldn't find me. That explains more about me than any measure of description would. I was tired that day, so tired.

He was on the sixth step already.

I was sixteen. A sad, malformed sixteen, sitting with the duvet pulled over my head in the Gryffindor sixth year boys' dormitory. It was soft, a warm red tone underneath from the light trying to get through. You couldn't see blood on it, and that was helpful, because I often went to bed bleeding.

I was sixteen that night, though I think that under the blanket, even I believed thirteen was not a stretch.

I could hear him, running now, winding closer and closer over solid stone. Sirius. Bright and shining star. Only sixteen and he'd already flamed his way past the initial painful bursts of hydrogen, through the burning flares and scatters of asteroids. Some nights he shone brighter than the moon, and I looked to him to keep myself from spinning away into blackness, upended.

But not last night, or any night this past week. He still shone, a cold glaring light that kept forcing itself into my view no matter how I tried to look away. It just would not go out.

Last night I had actually wished it would go out, and that ripped the deepest. I'd never cried during a change before with them there. Tears were for a scared boy's dread of the metamorphosis, or for after, when the new jagged cuts slowly healed. Those tears were for me.

Last night I cried for him, and for what I had wished upon him.

The bathroom. I was on my feet before I realized my legs might be too brittle to hold me. I was halfway there, reaching for a door I would never get to before falling, when he burst into the room.

"Moony!"

I don't think he even stopped. The door slammed shut behind him and he was beside me in three strides. The floor swept toward my face, and then away, and at first I did not comprehend his arms wrapped around me, halting my fall.

When I did, I pushed at them until they slid away, his hands two hot patches on my shoulders. If he'd wanted to hold onto me, I could not have forced him to let go. But it was nice to think I still could.

I pushed him and every muscle in my shoulders and back shattered into blue-hot agony.

The change had worsened again, if that were possible. Had been getting worse all year, lengthening and morphing itself into a monster, as if it had its own curse upon it. I hadn't seen the moon at all last night, and it wasn't until I was shivering in the skin of a naked boy again that I realized it was because I hadn't even remained conscious as a monster this time.

Sirius grabbed my arm, tighter than was necessary. I cried out at the hot lances his fingers called back into existence. He let go. I looked up and regretted it. His eyes mirrored the deep ache in every one of my bones.

"Get out of here."

"Moony--"

"Why can't you just listen to me for once? You don't listen!"

He looked at me and all I saw was last night in his irises.

There was a moment, just as my body had ripped into its new skin, when I wanted to tear out his heart. Shred him until his eyes went glassy.

I gagged, stumbled away from him. The gashes in my back were reopening. I could feel the gentle twitch and release, the brief flood of calm through my veins. He reached for me again and I whirled, hands bent into claws.

How I wished for the change again. For all the ripping and tearing, the popping and jutting of bones through muscle. At least then, maybe he wouldn't touch me.

"Sirius, leave."

His eyes went a hard black. The set of his jaw should have warned me. I could hear the grinding of his teeth. But I was too weak, too sluggish, and his purposeful step forward was all it took for him to grab my shoulder. I still pushed with both hands, shoved with all my wasted strength.

He shook me, hard enough to snap my head back. "What the bloody hell is wrong with you, Moony?"

"You were there, Sirius!"

He blinked at me, confusion sparking in his eyes. Rage flooded red through my brain. I reached around behind him and raked my nails over his upper back. He hissed and jerked backward, face crumpling. I thought it would be enough, but still he held on.

He'd been holding my shoulders like this last night, keeping my shaking body from bursting its seams and flying apart like so much lifeless muscle. I'd never let him - any of them - touch me during the change last year, but this year it hurt so badly it was all I could do to stay conscious. Usually I didn't. Last night he'd grabbed onto me with impossible strength and held me still until I saw only furious red-orange, until I lashed out with my newly formed arms, curled claws around his back and ripped with all my might.

I don't know if I stopped after that one time. I saw black then. And afterward, I was a wolf.

The way his face contorted now, eyes squeezing shut, mouth dropping open silently, I knew I'd gone farther than one swipe. My stomach gave up and heaved, and I slid through his stricken fingers to the floor. There was nothing in my stomach, not after having gone through the reverse transformation, but I was caught in agonized throes as my body tried in vain to rid itself of the evil thing inside. Because that's how I saw it then, in one blazing white moment: evil. Infesting me. Poisoning my friends.

Clawing Sirius' back to shreds.

His hiss as he knelt sounded in my ears. I curled my legs to my chest and shied away from him, hiding my face against my knees. My stomach spasmed and subsided. I felt him touch my back.

"Did I bite you?" I whispered, lifting my eyes enough to see his face. A remnant of the pain I'd showered him with passed over his features and he rubbed one of his shoulders gingerly.

"No."

I nodded. The chill of relief zinged through my limbs, followed immediately by the dull hollow thump of my heart. I turned away from him completely. "Then go. Before it happens again and I do bite you. And turn you into this... thing."

"Moony--"

"I don't want you here, Sirius! Gods, can't you just do what I ask for once?"

I heard the untapped anger in his voice. "No, Moony, I can't. Bloody hell, who do you think you are, telling me to get out? I'll stay if I damn well want to, and I want to!"

I was too tired, my body too broken. The tears rose up in a hot rush, turning my voice into a ragged imposter of itself. "Sirius, please! I d-don't... I don't want you to see me like this!"

"Remus, stop it!" His voice was enraged. His hands were gentler than I expected when he grabbed my shoulders, but desperation latched onto me; I struggled and he dragged me to him, arms hard, locking around me like a vise. "What is the matter with you?"

I said nothing. Shook my head back and forth, all the time pushing at him. Strength was leaving me in bursts, and all the while he held me against him tightly. Whatever was it that possessed him, that kept him touching me and every horrid nightmare my body contained within it?

Finally he squeezed me once more, as if to warn me to be still, then took my shoulder and gave me a swift shake. He looked angry. His eyes were narrowed, mouth twisted in a grimace that made me want to cry with how much he deserved to look at me like that. "Remus, so help me... if you don't tell me what the fuck is the matter with you, I swear I'll leave you here on the floor."

My heart gave a painful shudder. I felt the relief keenly. He was going to walk out. All I had to do was keep silent. But that human part of me still craved his presence. It was all that was holding me together, the only thing keeping me from falling into the howling whirlwind of self-loathing and shame I felt clawing at me.

I almost gave in and opened my mouth. But the image of my warped wolf hands sliced through me abruptly, as if the claws were cutting through my brain instead of Sirius' back. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my torso, tried to pull as far away from him as I could, and shook my head wordlessly.

His whole body stiffened and I felt so cold. He was still touching me but something had leeched away. It was as if he were not even there. And then he wasn't. He pulled his arms away with a jerk and stood up.

"Fine." For a second he stood there looking down at me, and then I saw his feet swivel. He walked away, heading for the door. I was frozen, hugging myself, staring at the floor. A quivering started up inside my chest, growing with each step he took until I was shaking uncontrollably. When he reached the door and opened it, something inside me burst wide open. I couldn't hear or see. Just tears pouring from my eyes, ragged sobs wracking my body. I was oddly thankful because then I would not see the moment he left the room or hear the slam of the door behind him. The final knell.

But I heard it anyway. The sinews in my body gave out at the sound and I slid onto my side on the floor, clutching my legs, cursing myself for what I was, for what I had become. Suddenly it was clear to me that I could have avoided this. I could have fought harder. I could have protected myself better from the monster years ago. All I could see was my abominable weakness. My failure.

I wanted to die, and for one tiny glimmering instant, I knew that if I concentrated hard enough, I could.

Then there were arms around me, lifting me, pulling me from the floor up against a warm body. A voice. His voice. "Moony, oh Merlin, Moony, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, what's wrong? God, Remus, tell me, please! Why can't you tell me? What did I do? Oh, God, Remus..."

He was crying, his tears falling on my face. I blinked, opened my mouth and could not speak. Tasted salt on my tongue.

"But I... hurt you," I finally managed. My voice cracked like an eggshell. He stared at me for a long moment, eyes darting over my face and then he crushed me to him, rocking back and forth on his knees.

"Is that what you... what this is - No, no you didn't hurt me. I mean, it's okay. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay--"

I closed my eyes, felt my arms grasping, pulling him as close as I could manage. Began to speak, but even I could hear that it made little sense. "L-look at me - you're not supposed - it h-hurt so badly this time - monster - hurt you - why do y-you - how can - I don't w-want - you to see it--"

He was crying harder, cheek pressed against my head, fingers entangled in my hair, and I could feel his entire frame shaking. His voice sounded in my ear, choked and whispery.

"You're Remus. You're not a monster. I don't... you... I don't see anything but you! Not afraid of you, please don't think I'm afraid of you, Remus, Moony, please..."

I think he lifted me, sniffling into my hair, and carried me across the room, back to my bed. He lay me down gently and crawled in beside me, tugged the covers up over us. Then he gathered me to him again and rocked gently, running his hands over my head, his body still quaking with silent sobs. The cold was gone, just... gone. I could barely fathom why, just that he was there, he hadn't left me as he had threatened. He didn't want to leave.

And he didn't see that thing when he looked at me.

I felt his lips brush my forehead before I relaxed against the warmth of his body. The world - the oppressive waning moon, the half-dreams of the change, my sore aching body - dwindled away and only the scent of Sirius remained.