The Wrath of Severus Snape

"Spin it, Parkinson."

"Does anyone mind if I go get a jacket? It's a bit chilly in here."

"These are the dungeons, are they not? It is understood that they would be cold. Spin the bottle."

"I don't really think it's my turn, actually."

"Miss Parkinson, I believe that you just locked lips with one Neville Longbottom, in a rather sickening display which I do not care to rehash at the moment. It is most definitely your turn. If you do not spin that bottle, I will personally supervise your subsequent month-long detention."

"You cannot be serious, Professor!"

"Fifty points from Slytherin."

Draco Malfoy smacked Pansy on the shoulder. "Damn it, Pansy! Just do it already!"

"Oh, please, Draco, it's not my fault you've managed to get us into this situation!"

"Miss Parkinson," hissed the sinister voice of the professor. "I repeat..."

"Alright, alright already! Just give me the damn bottle."

Silence, except for the rattle of the bottle on the floor. Ten pairs of eyes watched it nervously.... Until it stopped.

Draco leaped to his feet. "You have got to be kidding me!"

"Temper, temper, Mr. Malfoy. I see nothing wrong with where the bottle landed."

"I am not kissing her!"

Pansy scowled. "Oh, thank you very much, Draco. I love you too."

"It's... it's not a question about love! I-I-I--"

"Mr. Malfoy, may I remind you that you are already the cause of this entire situation. If you do not wish to likewise be the cause of Slytherin losing the House Cup this year, I suggest you focus on the task at hand."

"But Professor, I honestly didn't mean to... do that thing that you saw."

"That is beside the point, Mr. Malfoy. The here and now is that you were careless, both of you, and now we have come to this."

Draco paled. He jabbed a finger across the circle. "It's just as much Potter's fault as mine, sir!"

Harry Potter's face went furiously red. "Oh, fine, blame it on me. Just like a Malfoy..."

"Oh, and how many Malfoys have you known, Potter?"

"One's enough, apparently!"

"Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Potter. As much as I enjoy watching you... tussle... there is the matter of this bottle to be dealt with."

Ron Weasley went slightly green from across the circle. "You... were tussling, Harry?"

"No!" Harry and Draco shouted together.

"Personally, I think this is a good chance for all of us to bond," Luna Lovegood said reasonably from her place in the circle. "How often is it that you have people from all four houses sitting calmly in one room together when they are not eating or in class?"

"Miss Lovegood, I would hardly call this atmosphere calm. Miss Parkinson, you have exactly five seconds."

Draco opened his mouth to shout, but Pansy yanked him by the collar into the quickest kiss ever known to man. Both jerked away, wiping their mouths.

"Phwaw! Draco, that's disgusting!"

"Oh, shut it Pansy, I don't always taste like that."

Professor Snape smirked and waved his hand. "The sardine charm can be quite... unsettling. Mr. Malfoy, if you please."

Draco picked up the bottle, and with a meaningful look around the circle, gave it a spin. A moment later...

"Wait just a minute! That is not where it landed."

"I believe it is, Mr. Malfoy."

"No, I distinctly saw it move after it had already stopped!"

"It seems to have stopped now, hasn't it?"

"I refuse! I absolutely refuse to--"

"He's right, Professor," Hermione said timidly. "This is getting just a bit out of hand, wouldn't you say?"

"Miss Granger, for the five-thousandth time, no one cares for your opinion. Now. Mr. Malfoy. I am going to count to three. If, by the count of three, you have not shifted yourself over there to kiss the object of your bottle-spin, I shall be forced to take the drastic measures I spoke of previously."

Draco paled even more. With a shudder, he crawled across the circle. "Well, come on, then, let's get it over with."

"But Malfoy, you heard what would happen if--"

"For God's sake, just do it! Or I'll have to kiss Snape!"

"You realize I do this under protest, Malfoy."

"That would certainly be the first time, Mr. Potter," said Snape smoothly.

Draco tried to make the kiss fast. As fast as Pansy's despite... the situation. For a second, he almost thought he'd succeeded. But then he realized, to his dismay...

"Look!" Hannah Abbott pointed a shaking finger, her eyes wider than saucers. "He's... they're... wha..."

Ernie Macmillan quickly covered her eyes with one hand. "Don't look, Hannah. It's not their fault."

"Oh, it most certainly is, Mr. Macmillan. Now you can all experience the displeasure I felt when I walked into my Potions closet this evening and found the two of them."

Blaise Zabini was glowering at the pair furiously. "They were doing that?"

Luna smiled dreamily. "I think it's rather sweet."

Snape frowned. "It is most certainly not sweet, Miss Lovegood. It is distracting. Flagrant misuse of school property. And technically, they were not doing that. But it is what would have happened had I arrived a moment later. Finite Incantatem."

He flicked his wand and Harry and Draco jerked apart. Draco gulped in a deep breath, peering at Harry's dazed expression.

"I do believe," Harry said in a slightly slurred tone, "that that was my first French kiss."

"And?" Draco asked, swallowing.

Harry looked at him for a long moment in open-mouthed bliss, then turned to Snape. "Professor, do you think that perhaps I could take another moment to--"

"Absolutely not, Mr. Potter."

"But--"

"Spin the bottle before I choose to become wrathful."

There was uneasy shifting as Harry gave the bottle a quick spin. When it stopped, Blaise pumped his hand in the air. "Yes! Let's go, Potter, I don't have all night."

Draco leaped to his feet. "That is not fair! You can't let him kiss Blaise! You don't know what I've had to put up with--"

"Mr. Malfoy, sit down this instant. Just for that, I am going to take away the sardine charm for Harry's turn with Mr. Zabini."

Harry swallowed. "You... you're not going to... um..."

Blaise leered at him, quirking an eyebrow. "Finally, Potter. You are going to get a real kiss."

"Zabini, you sadistic bastard, if you so much as think of Frenching him, I'll-"

"You know, Draco," Blaise said languidly, "if you'd just let me have him when I told you I wanted him, we wouldn't be having this little problem, now would we?"

Harry snapped surprised eyes to Draco, who silently fumed from his side of the circle. "He had a crush on me? And you...Why didn't he..."

"I'm about to, Potter. Get your sweet arse over here."

Draco growled audibly, and Snape tsked. "Temper, temper, Draco. You wouldn't want me to utilize the lip-locking charm like I did with you and Mr. Potter, now would you?"

Harry stood gingerly, wiping his hands on his trousers. He looked pleadingly at Snape. "Sir, please, it was really just a little kiss. We didn't mean to do it in your Potions closet, it just sort of... happened."

"It's a bit late for regret now, isn't it, Mr. Potter?"

"But sir, I really don't want to kiss--"

Snape frowned and flicked his wand at Harry. "Snoggus Infinitem."

Everyone except Blaise and Draco gasped. Blaise didn't gasp. He cackled. Draco didn't gasp. He swore. Harry took one look at Blaise, and broke and ran, right through the middle of the circle.

And was stopped by Snape's Petrificus Totalus.

And landed right in Blaise's lap.

Blaise grinned and gave the professor a thumbs-up sign.

"Marvelous aim, sir."

Draco was on his feet in a flash, grabbing Harry's shirt and tugging him backward. But unfortunately...

"Awww, Professor!" Blaise cried. "That's not fair!"

"Well, technically, Mr. Zabini, he is kissing you."

"Excuse me, having his lips melded to the thigh of my trousers does not count!"

"Oh, stuff it, Zabini!" Draco growled. "He never wanted to kiss you anyway! Look what you've done to him!"

"Mm-mm-mmph!"

"What's that, Harry?"

"Mm-mm-mmph!!"

"I know, I know. I'm sorry, just let me..."

"Oh, for goodness sakes." Snape huffed and flicked his wand at them. "Finite Incantatem."

Everyone else blinked as the group lurched apart. Blaise was left staring forlornly at his now Harry-less trousers. Harry was left shivering in Draco's arms. Draco was left with a very peculiar problem.

He'd have to kiss Zabini next if he wanted that bottle back.

"Spin, Zabini," he hissed.

It landed on Hannah, who shuddered as she pecked Blaise on his still down-turned mouth. Then she got Hermione, who made a grand show of smiling at Hannah reassuringly before leaving her with a nice chaste kiss. The bottle landed on Ron next, and Snape spent the next five minutes looking more and more sour before jumping to his feet, stalking over, and yanking the two Gryffindors off of each other.

"Mr. Weasley, Miss Granger, if you ever do that again in my presence, I will make it my life's work to transfigure the Gryffindor house point counter so it registers only negative values for the rest of Hogwarts' existence!"

Harry clutched Draco's sleeve, watching Snape fearfully. "He's going to make me kiss Blaise when he remembers we exist. I just know it."

Draco stroked his hair absently, realized what he was doing, and hoped Harry wouldn't notice when he didn't stop. "We just have to make it a few more rounds. He has to let us go sometime."

"He does?"

"Yes, we have Potions tomorrow afternoon. He wouldn't miss it."

Harry looked at his watch and moaned. "I'm doomed!"

Draco pursed his lips, watching Blaise, who was glaring at them, looking particularly snarly. "For the love of Merlin... I swear, he is not coming near you again! I'll be damned if I let Zabini have you."

Harry blinked at him. "Malfoy? When you say that... does that mean you..."

"Malfoy! Potter!"

They jumped apart, looking up at Snape, who towered over them. "I should think, gentlemen, that you would know better by now. It is precisely that which got you into this in the first place."

"But sir," Malfoy began irately, "we were just playing a game. This game! It requires kissing, you know!"

"And the reason you felt the need to do it in my Potions closet?"

They looked at each other and mumbled. "Didn't want anyone to see."

"Well then, I rest my case." Snape sneered. "I can assure you that everyone--and I mean everyone - will see you tomorrow if you do not sit back down in the circle and play the game. You wanted to play? There have been new conditions added since your little misadventure in my classroom. Since it seems you do not enjoy kissing anyone but each other, your turns involving others have been charmed to taste like sardines, and your turns together have been hexed to last forever. If you break the rules, you will be punished. You have only yourselves to blame"

The game continued. Ron spun and got Pansy. Pansy spun and got Ernie. Ernie spun and...

...fainted.

Snape scowled down at his prone body. "For the last time, Macmillan. I am not part of this little get-together. If the bottle lands on me, you spin again."

Luna smiled vacantly at Snape. "I'll spin for him, sir."

"By all means, Miss Lovegood."

The bottle clattered.

"Well, fancy that... got myself."

"Sir," Hermione ventured. "What exactly does that mean?"

Ron piped up frenziedly. "How about if you land on yourself, everyone kisses the person of his or her choice?"

Hermione grinned lecherously at Ron. Ron grinned lecherously at Hermione. Blaise grinned lecherously at Harry. Harry whimpered fearfully into Draco's shirt. Draco glared murderously at Blaise. Pansy gazed lovingly at Neville. Neville waved shyly at Pansy. Hannah poked Ernie with her foot. Ernie began to drool in his sleep.

Snape got a nastily annoyed look on his face.

Luna piped up. "I choose Blaise."

"Wha...?" said Draco and Harry.

"Eh...?" said Hermione and Ron.

"Excuse me?" said Pansy and Neville.

"Ha!" said Hannah.

"Snore," said Ernie.

"Me?" squeaked Blaise.

"Oh, yes," Luna continued serenely. "Always did want to snog you."

"Really?"

"Yes. Better than what I normally do, I imagine."

"Which is?"

Luna shrugged. "Well, it started that one day when it occurred to me that flobberworms--"

Snape cut her off, looking a bit green. "If I cancel this game right this instant, can we avoid the elaboration of that particular topic?"

Luna thought for a moment and then nodded. "Sure."

Snape leaped up and was at the door so fast the wind knocked Pansy over onto her back. "Alright, back to your dorms. And take that blasted bottle with you. I will dock five hundred points from whomever I see with it in their possession tomorrow."

Everyone filed out. Pansy and Neville wandered down the hallway holding hands and smiling shyly at each other. Hermione and Ron barely got around the corner before sounds of snogging could be heard. Hannah chucked Ernie up over her shoulder, waved to them all, and walked off toward Hufflepuff. Harry and Draco looked at Luna.

"Out of the worst kind of curiosity, Luna," Draco asked. "You know how you said snogging Blaise is better than what you normally do? Well... what exactly do you normally do?"

Luna leaned in conspiratorially. "Well, I sit with the flobberworms..."

"Yes..."

"... feed them tidbits of dinner to make them especially lazy..."

"Yes..."

"...and daydream of snogging Blaise."

Blaise swooped to her side and grinned at her. "Tell me more about me."

Luna linked her arm through Blaise's, waved to Harry and Draco, and walked off down the corridor. Draco looked at the bottle he had picked up, and then raised his arm to throw it away. But Harry stopped him.

"Wait a sec on that."

"What?"

"I might want to use that later."

Draco wordlessly handed the bottle over to Harry, who bent down and set it on the ground.

"Draco?"

"Yeah?"

"Did Blaise really have a crush on me?"

"Yeah. Probably still does, the git. The nerve of him, wanting to kiss you..."

"That makes you angry?"

"...Um."

"Any particular reason?"

"...Er."

"Hmm." Harry looked down, and nudged the bottle with his foot. It turned gently once, settling to a stop pointed directly at Draco's shoes.

"Does that make you angry?"

"...Ehm."

"How about this?"

...

"Oooh, Harry... nope. Definitely not angry."

"Your turn."

"What a surprise. Landed on you."

...

"Mmm... that was a nice one, Draco."

"Better than the first one?"

"Damn straight."

"Oh, I don't think so, Potter."

"Heh. My turn."

"Oh, look. You got me again."

"So I did."

...

"Merlin, Harry... I think I need to sit down."

"Potions closet?"

"Waaaaay ahead of you."