Hero

Prologue

"For neither can live while the other survives..."

These words have plagued Harry for years. His feelings are completely justified. What else can you feel when you are told that you will either become a murderer...or be murdered? It is not just about the fear of dying and the unknown. It is the fear of not knowing which is worse. Which is worse? When you first think about it, of course you think that being murdered is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to you. We all think that because it is human nature. It is human nature to want to survive, to want to persevere.

But I can tell you that there are things worse than dying. Living, for one. I can't imagine how it must feel to be alive and know that someone else is not. Even if it is someone who deserves to die. No one really does in the end, but really. Even if it is someone whom you hate completely, who should be dead, to know that that person is not alive because you made it that way is torture. You are a murderer. You have taken away from someone the very thing that unites us all: life. Survivor's guilt to the extremes. You survived and made it so that another would not. I would like to sound very noble right now and say that I would rather die than live as a killer. But I can't say that. Because it might be a lie. I have no idea what I would do if given that choice. Not that it is a choice. It is surviving. Kill or be killed. Fight or die. Die...or live.

I get confused just thinking about this. Just thinking. I don't have to act on it or even contemplate it for that matter. It doesn't affect me. It can't. I am not the chosen one. I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders. And this is another kind of guilt. I watch him. I really watch him. And I don't just watch him. I see him. Sometimes I swear I know what he is thinking. But I can't. Because his thoughts must be even more confusing and overwhelming than mine. I wish that I could just lift some of that weight for him. I want to help him. Ron does too. I know it. But we can't. I mean, Ron and I have pledged ourselves to Harry. We will help him do what he needs to do to survive and fulfill the prophecy. But there is only so much we can do. And sometimes it feels like nothing.

Oh, it drives me crazy! Why him? Why Harry? He is the sweetest, most caring person I know. Why does he have to worry about his eternal fate while the rest of us just have to worry about school work? It makes me sick. I feel so guilty sometimes. I rant on and on to him and Ron about how I may not have gotten a perfect on a test. It seems so big and real to me until I look in Harry's eyes. Until I see him. I see him worrying for me and my stupid grade. I see him caring about my problems when he should only be caring about himself. My problems are nothing compared to his.

And yet he takes it. He takes it all. He accepts his fate and he accepts the fact that he will never truly know what that fate is. Not until the final moment. The moment we all anticipate and fear. The final confrontation. It gives me chills. Especially knowing that there is nothing I can do about it. There is nothing anyone can do. Dumbledore is dead. The only one Harry could ever really depend on. I never used to worry so much as I do now because I knew that Dumbledore was there. I knew that so long as he was there, Harry was safe. And now? Now no one is safe. Harry is not safe and yet he still accepts it. He is willing to do what he has to. Why can't I accept that? Because I am scared. And I am helpless. For the first time in my life, I don't have the answers. There is nothing I can do.

What is worse than dying? Living...and waiting.