Harry Potter Shrek-ed

Harry Potter Shrek-ed

* * * * * * *

Featuring:

Harry Potter as Shrek

Ron Weasy as The Donkey

Draco Malfoy as Prince(ss) Fiona

Lucius Malfoy as Thelonius

Lord Voldemort as Lord Farquaad

Severus Snape as Robin Hood

Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy as The Three Little Piglets

Ginny Weasley as Pinoccio

Hermione Granger as The Dragon

Colin Creevey as The Gingerbread Man

* * * * * * *

Once upon a time,

There was a lovely prince,

But he had an enchantment upon him of a fearful sort,

Which could only be broken by love's first kiss,

He was locked away in a castle,

Guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon,

Many brave knights had attempted to free him,

But none prevailed,

He waited in the dragon's keep,

In the highest room,

Of the tallest tower,

For his true love,

And true love's first kiss...

"Awww, what a cute story!" Harry Potter sighed. What wonderful stories those medieval legends were. He loved reading romantic stories such as these.

"Harry!"

A loud bang on the door woke Harry's peaceful mesmerizing in the bathroom.

"Huh? What, Ron? Can't a guy just take a pee in peace?" Harry reacted annoyed.

"No! Harry! You have to come out at once! It's Lucius Malfoy! He's here! At Hogwarts!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "So?"

Ron growled from behind the bathroom door. "So? SO? He's here to spread a message from You-Know-Who!"

"Ohh."

"Yeah! So hurry!" Ron screamed for the last time and Harry heard him run away.

Argh. It was that time of the month again when Voldemort got bored. Now he was the ruler of a small part of the wizarding world that contained Hogwarts, (Voldie and Albie got to some compromising) he arranged these monthly challenges to entertain himself.

Every month or so Voldemort would think of some kind of adventure. And everyone who liked to try to full fill this task could apply to Voldemort's Office stationed in Duloc. And if you'd happen to win such a quest, you'd win a great prize. And if you'd lose (which mostly means you get killed on your way) and you're still alive, Voldemort has the right to do wicked things you.

So, that explains why a lot of people are interested in these adventures. Last month there was a Track-Down-All-Fairytale-Creatures-On-Earth-And-Drop-Them-Off-At-Voldemort challenge. Wonder what they did to all those creatures, Harry thought, and why did Voldemort want them in the first place?

"Oh well, let's not keep Ron waiting. Maybe he'll want in on a Voldie-Adventure," Harry giggled to himself.

* In Voldemort's private quarters *

"My lord, we found the mirror among the possessions of an evil sorceress who claims to be a certain Snow White's stepmother," Lucius Malfoy spoke, not knowing what the hell a 'Snow White' was.

"Oh, wonderful Lucius, just wonderful. Could you hang it there, for me?" Voldemort ordered his favourite sidekick sweetly.

"But of course milord." And Lucius Malfoy grabbed the large golden mirror and hung it front of Voldemort so it was on eye-height with the most feared sorcerer of the century.

"Pure magic it is," Voldemort said as soon as the magic mirror started to work properly. A friendly male face became visible.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect wizarding kingdom of them all?" Voldemort asked the mirror.

"Well, technically you're not a king," the mirror responded wisely.

"Lucius!" Voldemort ordered immediately and Lucius apparated a small mirror which he broke into pieces.

As the magic mirror looked horrified at this mutilation Voldemort continued: "As you were saying..."

"What I mean is, you're not a king yet," the mirror adjusted hastily.

"Ahh, now we're talking. And how will I become a king then?"

The mirror scraped its throat. "It's easy, you'll have to marry a princess."

Voldemort smiled happily and started to bounce up and down on his chair. "Ooh! Princess! Princess! How many princesses are available?"

Now the mirror fell silent. "Well, there is a small problem. There are no available princesses at this moment. All we have is a young prince."

Lucius and Voldemort shared a few meaningful glances. "That won't be a problem," Voldemort said softly.

"Just sit back and relax milord and meet today's eligible bachelor! Here he is! He's a cold-headed white blonde with a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. He's a loaded pistol who likes piña colada's and getting caught in the rain! Yours for the rescuing: Prince Draco!" said the mirror and ended it all off with some 'If you like piña colada's' background music.

* * *

"Harry! There you finally are! They were almost starting without you!" Ron commented relieved. He was really curious about this weeks test. Oh pick me! Pick me! Ron's mind screamed.

Loud music started to fill the Great Hall and a dozen of guards came out the backdoor, eventually followed by the Dark Lord himself, of course accompanied by Lucius Malfoy.

The whole hall started to clap and cheer. The Dark Lord smiled faintly and started his speech.

"Brave knights, our champion of today will have the honour, no the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely prince Draco from the fiery keep of the dragon. If, for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Let the tournament begin!"

The whole audience immediately clapped and screamed enthusiastic after the speech. "What's up with everybody?" Harry asked Ron. But Ron was in an ecstatic state. He grabbed Harry by the wrist and dragged him with him to the Head Table where Voldemort was seated.

As soon as Voldemort caught a glimpse of Harry he was revolted. "What is that? Ugh! It's hideous!" he screamed. Harry looked at Ron and replied: "Hey, that's not very nice, it's just a boy."

Lord Voldemort rolled his eyes. "Indeed. Knights! New plan! The one who kills Harry Potter will be named champion!"

Harry sighed as Ron looked up at his friend in shock. There were already lots of men in armour walking up to Harry with fight lust in their eyes.

"Oh, hey, guys, can't we just settle this over a pint?" Harry offered.

As an answer they all grabbed their swords and pointed them at poor Harry.

"No?" Harry asked for the last time. "All right then!" He quickly grabbed his wand out and started to hex everyone.

I don't give a damn about my bad reputation...

All the warriors lay paralysed on the Hogwarts floor and Harry, together with Ron, stood up triumphantly from the mass. The whole crowd in the Great Hall now applauded for Harry.

"Thank you! I'm here until Sunday! Try the veal!" Harry screamed into the audience and waved at them.

Voldemort growled and signalled to his guards to point their wands at Harry. The crowd silenced as they witnessed this.

"Shall I give the order, sir?" Lucius asked.

Voldemort thought for a moment, but then said: "No, I have a better idea."

He stood up and spoke loudly: "People of Hogwarts, I give you: your champion!" And again Voldemort was rewarded by a loud applause.

"WHAT?" Harry looked at Ron and Ron looked at Harry.

"Congratulations Harry! You've won the honour to go on a great and noble quest!" Voldemort said as if Harry had won two million in the lottery.

"Quest?" Harry asked confused. "I'm already on a quest! A quest to save the wizarding world from the Dark Lord! You!"

"Me?" Voldemort replied innocently.

"Yes! You!"

"Mmm, indeed. All right Harry, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your Hogwarts back!"

"Exactly the way it was?"

Voldemort grunted. "Until the last slime-covered Potions master!"

Harry seemed satisfied. "What kind of quest?"

So our Shrek-ed Harry takes the job of rescuing Prince Draco...!