I'm Still Here

"I mean, really, Padfoot. That was the stupidest thing you've ever done, including that time you ran around hugging trees."

"Yeah, well, it was fun!"

"You mean you think that what you did to Moony was fun?"

"No, Prongs! I was talking about the trees! But it would have been funny."

James Potter and Sirius Black were walking to the sunlit hospital wing early one Saturday morning. They were visiting their fellow Marauder, Remus Lupin, who had a number of cuts and scratches, looked very pale and ill, and was asleep. Or at least, he appeared to be asleep. He had woken up not long ago, but was still very tired, so he had not opened his eyes. He was still quite tired, and didn't feel like doing anything by lying there, and so he did. He could hear everything that James and Sirius were saying about him.

I am a question to the world

Not an answer to be heard

Or a moment that's held in your arms

"I don't think he finds it funny at all," said James. "You know how he is about these things. And now that Snivellus knows...probably the last person he's want to know, Dark-Arts-Loving Snivelly."

"Yeah," said Sirius as they took seats next to Remus' bed. He raised his hand in oath. "I solemnly swear that I am sorry for my actions, because they were stupid, even though they seemed like another brilliant idea from the mind of Sirius Black."

James glanced at Remus. "Well, let's just hope he accepts your apology. Might as well just wait until he wakes up. He doesn't need to start getting paranoid earlier than he would have."

"And now we wait," said Sirius.

James and Sirius sat there for forty-five minutes, occasionally talking and glancing at Remus.

Sirius looked at Remus, then at James, and sighed impatiently. "He can really sleep when he wants to, can't he?"

"Wouldn't you?" said a quiet voice.

"Moony!" said James in bright tones.

"Buddy, ol' pal," added Sirius.

Remus looked at them with no smile on his face, his eyes boring into them with a glare. "Trying to be nice to me now isn't working."

"Oh, but we are being nice to you!" James said.

"And listen," began Sirius.

Remus knew what Sirius was going to do. He was going to say sorry. But how could he expect a little word like that to make everything all right again?

And what do you think you'd ever say

I won't listen anyway

You don't know me

And I'll never be what you want me to be

"I'm sorry for last night. I was really being a git for telling Snivelly how to get past the Whomping Willow and into the Shack. I was being my stupid immature self. And I understand-"

"Yeah, what do you understand?" interrupted Remus angrily. "My anger, my pain, of my loss of self on the full moon?"

And what

Do you think you'd understand

I'm a boy, no, I'm a man

You can't take me

And throw me away

"I know you're mad at me," Sirius continued quickly. "And you have every right to be. But I'm sorry for being an idiot. Also, I think we should be looking at the bright side. Snivellus has been sworn to secrecy by Dumbledore, and you didn't attack him last night, so-"

"Padfoot, I could have, though!" said Remus, his voice slightly raising, sounding a cross between panic and frustration.

"But you didn't!" said Sirius, his voice rising too.

"But I could have!" Remus repeated firmly. He swallowed the lump in his throat and spoke quieter. "You just don't understand. Do you think I had any idea who the hell I was last night? No! I would view every human as someone I had to attack, or eat, or...kill."

And how

Can you learn what's never shown

Yeah, you stand here on your own

They don't know me

'Cause I'm not here

Both James and Sirius looked like they didn't know what to say, and Remus looked at each of them for a few seconds. Finally, James spoke up.

"But...Moony...you've got us. And we'd never let you do anything that would cause the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures Committee come to get you."

"Yes, and I thank you for pulling Snape out before I did anything. It's just that I thought that four years ago, when my dear friends James Potter, Peter Pettigrew and Sirius Black found out that I was a werewolf and said that they didn't mind and would always be there for me, that they meant it. I guess some people-" Remus looked ominously at Sirius "-feel that pranks are above friendship."

"Moony, I said I was sorry!" said Sirius loudly. "What do you want me to do?! Make a mountain of chocolate?!"

"No, I don't! I don't know what I want you to do! I just..." Remus trailed off and growled.

And I want a moment to be real

Want to touch things I don't feel

Want to hold on and feel I belong

Remus stared at the sheets on his bed for a bit, and then looked back at his friends. "Will you guys just go?"

James glanced at Sirius. "Yeah, I think we'd better go."

Sirius nodded at James, then looked back at Remus. "Really, I'm sorry. You will forgive me, won't you? You're always the forgiving sort. You know you want to."

Yes, there was a part of Remus that wanted to forgive Sirius. But there was another part that wanted to strangle Sirius, a part that was much stronger. "Just go," he said again.

"Come on," said James. He looked at Remus once more too, and then exited the hospital wing with Sirius.

And how can the world want me to change

They're the ones that stay the same

They don't know me

'Cause I'm not here

Remus stayed in the hospital wing all that day, and since the next day was a Sunday, he decided that he would stay in the hospital wing then too. Madam Pomfrey said that he was well enough to leave and there was no need for staying longer, but Dumbledore said that Remus could stay if he wanted to. Remus was glad Dumbledore took that opinion. After all, the full moon had not only damaged him physically and mentally this time. It had damaged him socially too.

Sunday morning, Remus was awoken from his sleep by Madam Pomfrey. "Mr. Lupin, you have a visitor."

Remus yawned. "Who is it?" He paused, and then sighed. "It's not Sirius again, is it?"

"No, no," said Madam Pomfrey. "Mr. Black is probably with his counterpart Mr. Potter landing themselves in detention again. You'd have thought they were trying to start a record..." She walked off, muttering.

A second later, Remus saw the fiery, red haired, love interest of James step into the hospital wing. Lily Evans came to Remus' bed and sat down in a chair next to it. "Hello, Remus."

"Hi, Lily," Remus replied.

"How are you?" she asked.

"Great, just great," he said, smiling in effort to stop Lily from thinking he was too upset.

"No, I don't think so," Lily said. "I know you haven't been hanging around with your friends. They've been talking about you."

"Hmm? And what have they said?"

"That they miss you and they hope you'll come out of the hospital wing soon. And Sirius wants you to forgive him for something."

"Bet he does," said Remus tonelessly.

"Look, Remus. I know you. I can't see you holding a grudge for long. You're such a nice guy. Your heart and mind is always in the right place," Lily said.

And you see the things they never see

All you wanted- I could be

Now you know me

And I'm not afraid

"I know," Remus sighed. "But I don't know if I can forgive him. He's really done something this time."

"Can I ask what?" Lily said quietly.

"I'm sorry. I just can't tell you. It's a matter of life, safety, friendship and acceptance, otherwise I'd tell you. But now I just can't. It's too bad, because if I could, I'm sure you could help me on what I should do," Remus said solemnly.

And I want to tell you who I am

Can you help me be a man

They can't break me

As long as they know who I am

"Oh, I see," said Lily. "Well, please, Remus. I don't know what Sirius has done, but you're the kind of guy with enough dignity that you could forgive Sirius no matter how horrible whatever he's done is. I know it."

"Sure, if you really think so," said Remus.

"I'd better get going. Bye, Remus," she said, and Lily left.

And I want a moment to be real

Want to touch things I don't feel

Want to hold on and feel I belong

Remus sat there for a while, thinking about his conversation with Lily, and later, Peter visited.

"Hi, Wormtail," said Remus.

"Hi, Moony," said Peter. He put his hand in his pocket and pulled something out. "Here," he said, handing it to Remus. "Padfoot gives you this bar of chocolate."

"Wow, how thoughtful," said Remus sarcastically. "Why didn't he give it to me and beg for forgiveness himself?"

"He's in detention with Prongs," Peter answered. "You should forgive him, though. He says he's sorry."

"Yes, I've heard," Remus said. "But what would you do if your friend gave blatant instructions to someone which would reveal to them your most guarded secret?"

Peter didn't say anything for a second as he thought. "Well..." he said slowly. "I guess I'd forgive them in the end. Everyone makes stupid mistakes. But the point is that they realize their stupidity and apologize."

Remus looked at him blankly. "Wormtail, what have you been reading?"

"Nothing," said Peter. "Er...it was just this show that I saw on muggle television last summer."

"Right..." said Remus. "I think I'm just going to take a nap."

"All right, then," said Peter, walking to the exit. "Count some sheep. Wait! Not sheep, I didn't mean sheep, I meant-um- books and chocolate! That's it! So, go on, bye."

Remus watched the door close, then turned over on his comfortable bed, closed his eyes, and fell asleep.

And how can the world want me to change

They're the ones that stay the same

They can't see me

But I'm still here

Monday morning arrive and Remus was finally leaving the hospital wing. He dressed into his robes and uniform, packed all his things into his bag, and set off for the Great Hall for breakfast.

Everyone had been telling him that he ought to forgive Sirius. Sirius...James...Lily...Peter...but then, what did they know? Were they the one who had been turning into monster every month since the age of five? Were they the one trying to keep their own lycanthropy a secret from everyone else in the school? Did they really understand his situation enough so that he should follow their advice?

They can't tell me who to be

'Cause I'm not what they see

Yeah, the world is still sleepin' while I keep on dreaming for me

And their words are just whispers and lies I'll never believe

But they all cared about him. And surely that could only mean that they wanted what was best for him, right? That they were helping him, making all the difference in the world...And it was true...he hadn't attacked anyone. His friends were there for him. They said that they wouldn't let it happen...

And I want a moment to be real

Want to touch things I don't feel

Want to hold on and feel I belong

The Great Hall was full of students and teachers, all eating and chattering away, so nobody really noticed it when Remus entered.

He walked over to the Gryffindor table, and there was James, Sirius and Peter all sitting together. Peter, being the one in a seat where he could see the doors, saw Remus, nudged his friends, and said, "Hey, look, Moony's back."

Remus crossed over to the part of the table they were sitting at, and James said, "Okay, we were talking, and we decided that since you're not going to forgive Padfoot, that's okay, we'll just-"

"Who said I wouldn't forgive him eventually?" asked Remus.

And how can you say I'll never change

They're the ones that stay the same

I'm the one now

'Cause I'm still here

"What?" said Sirius blankly. "What happened to you 'I'm-gonna-kill-Padfoot' streak?"

"Well, I suppose I can't be furious at you forever. You do too many weird and infuriating things that get me mad at you. It's like a routine. Wake up, get annoyed, get dressed, get annoyed, go eat, get annoyed, read a book, get annoyed, and so on. I guess it's all part of being a Marauder. We'd never be such a strong group if we didn't become perturbed by each other." Remus paused, then looked Sirius in the eye and said firmly, "But you're never going to do something like that again!"

"No, I won't. I won't be that stupid again."

"Unless you start hugging trees."

"Hey! But really, next time you're close to attacking someone, I'll stop it," said Sirius. "Or stop you from transforming."

"You're already being stupid. You know that's impossible."

"I wasn't being stupid this time, I was being my name."

"You mean seri-" began James.

"No! No! Don't start it, don't!"

"Serious," mocked James.

"No, don't do that anymore!"

Remus looked at them all and grinned. He was incredibly glad to be back with his friends.

I'm the one

'Cause I'm still here

I'm still here

I'm still here

I'm still here

Lily was right. He could never stay mad forever. And at least Sirius seemed to have learned something from his immaturity.

"Hey, Moony! Have you met Mr. Knife and Mrs. Fork?"

Remus rolled his eyes and laughed. You could take the stupidity out of the Sirius, but you couldn't take the Sirius out of the stupidity.