Life After Living

Chapter Five

If there's a God at Heaven's door,

Do you think He wants me anymore?

~ Separated Self, Saliva

Harry had grown still in Ron's arms. Ron was suddenly worried that he had said something wrong. "Harry?"

Harry pulled away from Ron. "No one has ever said that to me before."

Ron smiled. "We all love you, Harry; me, Hermione, Mum and Dad, even if we don't say it. And Ginny still fancies the hell out of you despite her ever growing list of boyfriends." Ron threw an arm around Harry's shoulders.

"Who is your sister dating this week?"

"God only knows!"

Harry was silent for a moment, gently leaning against Ron. "Do you believe in God, Ron? Do you think there's a heaven?"

"I don't know." Ron pondered for a moment. "I wasn't really raised around it. But, I suppose there's got to be something bigger than all of us, some greater power molding the universe. As far as Heaven goes, I don't know. What about you?"

"I used to go to church with the Dursleys. It was easy to believe when I was a child. I don't know now. I hope there's a Heaven. And I hope it's as wonderful as they say." Harry looked away. "Ron?"

"Yeah?"

Harry looked woefully into Ron's eyes. "I don't know what to do."

"About what?"

"About everything. I don't think I can handle any of it."

"One day at a time, Harry. That's all you can do." Ron found himself gazing at Harry's scar. Harry spaced out. Ron saw nothing registered in his friend's eyes. "You can't just block it out, though." Harry blinked.

"What if we ran away? We could leave it all."

"You know we can't."

"Yeah, but it's fun to pretend." Ron smiled. Harry stretched out in the shade of the tree they had collapsed underneath. "How long do you think it will be before they come looking for us?"

"Soon, no doubt."

"Sixteen doesn't feel much different does it?"

"You noticed that, too?" Ron smirked. "Hell, I'm halfway to seventeen and I still don't feel sixteen yet." He hesitated. "Sometimes I still feel like I haven't changed at all. It's like whatever I'm feeling at the moment is how I've always felt."

Harry looked up, studying Ron for a minute. "Maybe that's what it feels like to grow older."

"Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"We've got to stop having these philosophical conversations. If word gets out my reputation will be soiled for good."

"God forbid someone discovers you have a brain in that head of yours."

"Hey! Hush up!" But Ron was smiling. No matter how hard Ron tried, Harry never seemed fully happy. Even through the smiles he could see the pain in his friend's eyes.

"I hope he forgives me, Ron. I hope he's not looking down on me from... wherever... in disdain."

"Don't make me shake you." But Harry didn't find the humor in Ron's comment. Ron sighed, rolling his eyes. "I think we should head back." Harry continued to look at the tree above him. "Seriously, Harry. It's not safe out here."

Harry finally realized that by remaining outside he was, in fact, endangering himself and more importantly, Ron. He stood. "I'm sorry. I'm so stupid."

"Not stupid, Harry. Lacking in common sense, yeah, but not stupid." Ron felt like he was running out of funny things to say.

They walked slowly, side by side, back towards the house. Lupin and Mr. Weasley were standing on the sidewalk in front of Number 12 talking heatedly. They turned as the boys neared. Lupin was about to speak when Ron cut him off. "Perhaps we should do any discussing inside?" Lupin looked slightly miffed while the older Weasley looked proud of his son.

"Inside, then," Lupin said and walked towards the house.

Harry had been thoroughly reprimanded by Lupin as well as Mr. and Mrs. Weasley upon reaching the kitchen. And while Harry had acknowledged everything they said, often having to repeat it back to them, Ron knew that Harry was only doing it to avoid further conflict. After the adults had had their fill, Harry nodded one last time and then proceeded to surprise them all.

"Now I have some requests." At first Ron thought he was joking. "I realize the dangers that exist outside of this house. I know that the secrecy we must keep on this location is paramount. However, I believe it's a little unfair to keep Ron, Ginny and I cooped in this house all day."

"What would you like to propose?" Lupin asked.

"We should at least be able to go outside every once in a while. Surely the wards around here can be extended to include the back yard."

"Perhaps we will be able to arrange something," Mrs. Weasley answered.

"Thank you." Harry turned and left the kitchen.

Ron watched him leave. He wanted to follow, but something held him back. Slowly, he looked back at his parents and Lupin. The three adults looked confused. Ron knew he was the only one that understood Harry. "Perhaps," Ron paused, but he found the words coming out despite his doubt, "A hero isn't merely born, but rises from the ashes of his despair." Wide eyes greeted his words. He pursed his lips and turned. He took a startled step back upon seeing Dumbledore and Snape standing by the door. Their eyes were wide as well. Ron tried to act indignant as he brushed past them.

Ron found Harry digging through his trunk. "Harry?" He got no response. "Harry, what are you looking for?" Ron asked, sitting on his own trunk. Harry made an "Ah, ha!" noise and stood. He moved to the window and opened it, sitting on the sill. "What are you doing?" Harry paused, starring at him for a moment before opening a tiny box. "Harry!" Ron gaped as his friend pulled a cigarette out. With a flick of his thumb, a flame popped out of a Muggle lighter. Harry lit the cigarette and let the white smoke curl out of his mouth. Ron let his mouth hang open for a while before snapping it closed with a click of his teeth. "When did you start smoking?"

"I stole them from Dudley," Harry answered, flicking the cigarette. "It's very calming."

"Mum's going to kill you!"

"Not if the cigarettes kill me first." Harry intoned and gazed out the window. Ron watched as Harry smoked. He found himself mesmerized at how Harry let the smoke trickle from his mouth. Green eyes met his. "You want to try it?" He held the cigarette out, butt first, towards Ron. Ron hesitated. Harry smirked. "Since when have you ever cared what your mother thinks?"

Ron narrowed his eyes and closed the distance between them. He wasn't sure whether or not he liked the smell of cigarettes. "You've changed so much, Harry."

"So have you," Harry answered and raised the cigarette towards Ron. Hesitantly, Ron took it from Harry's fingers. Harry smiled as Ron lifted the cigarette to his mouth and took a drag. Ron felt nowhere near as elegant as Harry as he let the smoke out in a burning cough. Harry laughed. "Well done."

Ron passed the cigarette back to Harry, his eyes watering. "There," he said and coughed again. "We can now die together of lung cancer."

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

The dream began as it always did. Harry found himself walking the empty halls of Hogwarts. He didn't dare go near the dungeons. There was always the sound of hissing seeping through the walls. Instead he moved through the halls. The candlelight flickered around him, the candles making their own little hissing sound. He did his best to stay near the Great Hall. He always heard the shrill laughter in his ears. He trembled.

He found his hands grasping the handle of the door leading into the Great Hall. He heard a clatter beyond and his curiosity got the better of him. He pushed the door open, it seeming to weigh the same as a small elephant.

Or perhaps a horse.

His breath left him at the sight. He knew, from countless weekends flipping through the pages of his Uncle's Racing Post and peaking at the races that his Uncle watched on the television, that the horse that stood in the middle of the Great Hall was of the finest breed. Its coat was a spectacle of color. Every time it moved it seemed to change color. At any one moment it seemed to be an array of burning colors. It was a picture of perfection, its defined muscles twitching with excitement.

It whickered in recognition as he entered, its nostrils flaring. The sound echoed through out the Hall. He approached timidly. The horse stomped a foot seeming to nod its beautiful head. It's eyes were the color of the sky, a stunning blue that entranced. He put a hand the horse's cheek, petting the velvet skin. Its eyes half-closed at his touch.

With a shrill, the menacing laugh returned and he almost screamed. The horse threw its head up, a dance of colors, and let out a terrified neigh. He stumbled backwards as the horse reared. The hissing returned with a rush of air and he watched, in horror, as a snake seemed to appear from nowhere and began wrapping itself around the shimmering body of the horse.

He let out a strangled cry as the snake bared its fangs and bit into the horse's neck. He watched as the blue eyes died and turned blood red.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Harry awoke with a gasp. Ron was awake in an instant. "Harry?" His response was a heartbreaking sob. "Oh, Harry." Ron pulled his friend into his arms. They lay entwined, sobs ravaging Harry's body. Ron let his own tears accompany Harry's.