Snape In Love

Chapter 34

Come Into These Arms Again...

No more talk of darkness, forget these wide-eyed fears;

I'm here, nothing can harm you, my words will warm and calm you.

Let me be your freedom, let daylight dry your tears;

I'm here, with you, beside you, to guard you and to guide you.

All I ask is every waking moment,

Turn my head with talk of summertime.

Say you need me with you now and always;

Promise me that all you say is true, that's all I ask of you.

Let me be your shelter, let me be your light; you're safe,

No one will find you, your fears are far behind you.

All I want is freedom, a world with no more night;

And you, always beside me, to hold me and to hide me.

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;

Let me lead you from your solitude.

Say you need me with you, here beside you,

Anywhere you go, let me go too,

That's all I ask of you.

All I ask for is one love, one lifetime;

Say the word and I will follow you.

Share each day with me, each night, each morning.

Say you love me! You know I do.

Love me, that's all I ask of you.

Anywhere you go, let me go too;

Love me, that's all I ask of you.

(Lyrics by Charles Hart and Richard Stilgoe)

The day dragged. I ate lunch late, in my room. I didn´t expect to have much opportunity for dinner, and I needed to think of the baby. As evening approached I began to ready myself to see him again. I remembered the two other occasions I had done something similar, and grimaced. Neither had ended happily, and yet here I was, not learning from my mistakes. Never mind, I decided, this time would be third time lucky.

I had a grey silk and chiffon dress, which floated ghostlike from my body as I walked, trailing gossamer threads. It disguised nothing, skimming and accentuating my swollen breasts and especially my tummy. I wore my hair loose and unadorned, the way I knew he liked it, but he had never seen it like this before. Middle-pregnancy had made it grow fast and furiously, and it was now a thicker and more glossy chestnut and hung down to my waist. I felt fecund, sensual, ripe, and more desirable than I had ever felt before, and I rejoiced now that the very hormones that had helped drive a wedge between Severus and me would now, hopefully, reunite us. I felt irresistible, and floated towards the Great Hall as if on a cloud.

I pushed open the main door and stood for a moment in the entrance, suddenly needing to steady my nerve. The Hall was a hubbub of noisy chatter as the students tucked into their evening meal. Looking towards the staff table at the end of the room, I saw Severus look up, see me, and freeze. Slowly I began my long walk to him, between the House tables. As I went, the chatter around me died down and soon everywhere was silent, save for the clatter of several pieces of falling cutlery.

As I drew closer I could see the thunderous look on his face and my heart lurched. But it was too late now to do anything about it, and I was in no mood, besides, to turn tail and scuttle back to my rooms. Not this time. I reached the staff table, never once taking my eyes from his face until I did, then I passed round it to approach him from behind. He was motionless, clutching his knife and fork so tightly that his knuckles were white. I touched his shoulder and said,

"Severus."

He turned slowly, and the eyes he raised burned into mine and scorched my soul. He muttered in an undertone,

"What do you think you´re doing, flaunting yourself like this?" and if I hadn´t known him as well as I did, I would have been terrified.

"We need to talk. Right now. You know where to find me."

Before he could reply, I turned and made for the door behind his chair that led to the dungeons. Once it had shut behind me I breathed a sigh of relief and prayed he would follow me.

I hurried along as quickly as I was able, hoping to reach his rooms before he caught up with me.

"Mirror Mirabilis!" I said breathlessly as I walked, peering into the emerald with some difficulty because of the gloom of the darkening corridors to see him still sitting in his seat, glowering while Remus leant over to him and whispered something in his ear. Whatever it was, it provoked a scowl and an acid comment of some kind, but had the desired effect because I then saw Severus push back his chair and stand. He swept out of the Hall through the door that I had taken.

I went into his classroom and sat down at one of the desks. Before long I heard loud footsteps approaching briskly and soon he burst into the classroom, his eyes blazing.

"You make an entrance almost as well as me!" I thought to myself as I stood up, with some difficulty.

"In here!" he snapped, unlocking the door to his office and striding in ahead of me. He muttered a charm to lock the door behind us to guarantee our privacy, then to my surprise he carried on into the bedroom.. I wondered whether he realised the nature of the message he´d just sent me, and whether it was done consciously or subconsciously. Either way, I thought it was a good sign. He whirled round to face me.

"Well? Wasn´t this morning enough for you?" he said icily, folding his robes around himself in an unconsciously protective gesture. "Can you even begin to imagine the sort of day I´ve had? The whispering in class, the incredulous laughter in the corridors?"

"I don´t need to imagine it, Severus, I´ve had it all day too!"

"And you decided to make it even worse! Do you realise the damage you have just done to my standing here? To my reputation, my position at this school?"

"The damage was done this morning, and not by me. Do you realise the damage you´re doing to our lives?"

"The damage I´m doing? How can I possibly be damaging something that´s already broken beyond repair?" he spat.

"Don´t say that when you so obviously don't mean it! Stop playing games with me, it isn´t you!"

Crossing over to him, I looked up into his eyes, saying

"I miss you. I can´t stand it, Severus. I can´t bear to be without you."

Hurt flashed across his face but he continued to scowl at me.

"You bore it well enough for these last few months!"

"I missed you every day- "

"Hah!"

"I never stopped loving you!"

"You went too far, and now it´s over."

"It was a chemical imbalance, Severus! Surely you can understand the concept? We need you! I need you, and the baby needs you!"

"I´m sure I´ll be no great loss to the baby!" he sneered caustically.

"Oh, for God´s sake, Severus!" I screamed at him, as something inside me snapped. "Do you have to be so intractable? Stop punishing me for something that wasn´t even my fault! I miss you! I miss you! I MISS YOU!" I yelled, beating my fists against his chest and beginning to sob uncontrollably. His face contorted with anguish and he grabbed my wrists and held them still, hurting me, his lips drawn in a tight line, a deep frown between his eyes.

My chest heaved as I was racked with loud sobs, and I let myself slump against him, my head on his chest, moaning in despair.

After a while he released my wrists and let his hands drop to his sides, standing as still as a wound-down automaton.

"Don't think I don't know what you're trying to do, Severus," I said in a low voice, struggling to regain a modicum of composure. "You think that if you succeed in driving me away, you'll prove to yourself that you were right to shut me out. But you're not! And all the time, you're hoping I'll stay and fight, and I will, love, as long as it takes! Even if I have to steal in here in the dead of night and lay your newborn child next to you while you sleep so that you wake up to its cries! I'll be here."

I had straightened up as I spoke, and held his gaze unwaveringly, desperately trying to get through to him. Now, the conflict behind the mask, slipping at last, was unmistakeable, and I reached up to touch his cheek with my hand. He closed his eyes, his frown deepening, and I stroked the edge of is mouth with my thumb. He had not moved at all throughout my soliloquy, and I held my breath, wondering whether or not I should close the distance between us, measured in a mere few inches, by embracing him.

Too late. The moment passed, ended harshly by a jarring, startling knocking at the door to Severus´ office. His eyes snapped open, affording me a glimpse of deep sorrow and uncertainty, and a flash of anger, presumably directed at the unwelcome interruption. He crossed the room swiftly, disappearing into his office and closing the door behind him. I heard the door to the classroom open, and his voice, brusque and roughened by emotion, bark out,

"What do you want?"

There was a pause, during which a small voice stammered out something unintelligible. Then, Severus again, saying,

"Detention is cancelled. No, I mean - go to see Professor Sprout, tell her I´ve sent you to help out with the mandrakes. Well, go on then, get out!"

The door slammed, and he locked it again. Needing to sit down to rest my aching back and collect my thoughts, I sat down on the window seat. Presently, Severus returned, closing the bedroom door behind him this time, another unconscious gesture, and leaning against it, shrouded in shadow.

I rubbed my hands over my face and said tiredly,

"Everything has to be black and white with you, Severus, and it isn´t. There are so many shades of grey. Otherwise, how do you think I could have forgiven you for my parents and my sister? But I did, didn´t I? I do! And I know I made a mistake, but I´ve explained, you should be able to understand why! So why can´t you stop messing about like this and just love me? Why do you have to be so absolute about everything?"

His low voice was like velvet caressing my soul as he said quietly,

"Because - because that´s the way I love you, Ella. Absolutely. Utterly. Without any qualification."

The soft torchlight illuminated his face as he raised his head slowly and looked at me, his expression now echoing the simple truth of his words. Hesitantly, hardly able to believe he´d said those words, I stood and took a step towards him, and then another, until my hands touched his chest and his arms circled my waist. As I searched his face for any sign of rejection or doubt, and found none, I sighed with relief and slipped my arms around his neck, shivering with love for him, pulling his head down to mine and feeling his hair slip through my fingers like silk.

I kissed him, my lips trembling, hesitantly, and he moaned and shuddered with emotion. I let myself lean against him, my tummy crushed against his body as his arms tightened around me and our kiss slowly deepened. The tips of our tongues touched, and I felt a surge of electricity charge through me, making me tighten my grip on his hair. We kissed for a very long time, our lips and gently dipping tongues all that set us apart from statues. I felt I was drowning in him, surrendering myself completely, and my legs almost buckled under me, but he was holding me now, keeping me floating, and nothing else in the world mattered.

After a while, I felt a familiar rolling and churning in my stomach and I knew the baby was on the move. Sure enough, I felt several sharp kicks and I knew Severus had felt them too, for he began to smile against my lips, and then laugh delightedly. I laughed too, and soon his hands were stroking my hair and touching my face, and he was planting gentle kisses all over it.

"Severus," I gasped between kisses, "I need to know - is this what you want?"

"Absolutely..." he whispered, over and over, and at long last I knew I was finally home.

We sat on the leather armchair together, enlarged only slightly this time so that I could sit alongside him, cradled in his arms, my legs across his knees. I traced the outline of his face with my fingers, re-familiarising myself with every beloved inch of it, and we simply enjoyed holding one another once more. Eventually I said gently,

"What made you relent, finally? Just now, I mean."

He frowned slightly, and sighed.

"Part of me always wanted to forgive you. I just - couldn´t bring myself to put you first again, like I did before. Ahead of my own pride. I´m not used to this, Ella. I don´t like to be hurt. And you make me feel so - so powerless! Me! I don´t like to feel...needy. Weak. But when it concerns you, I can´t help it. Then when you reminded me of what I did to you, and how you forgave me...well, I suppose..." he paused thoughtfully. "I suppose it brought it home to me. Proved that you dofeel as strongly about me as I do about you."

"How could you ever have doubted it?"

"Well, you don´t make it easy!"

"Yes, but after I explained?" I said gently, brushing a stray lock of hair from his face then winding it around my finger as I gazed deep into his black eyes.

"Because after you rejected me I didn´t want to - carry on."

"It wasn´t me rejecting you!"

"It looked that way to me! You were pushing me away...all those fights we had, and I didn´t dare ask you why, in case - well, in case you told me you´d come to your senses at last, and just left me for good. And then, you left me anyway! I'd been expecting it all along, you see."

"Expecting me to leave you?"

"Part of me was, yes. I´ve always wondered why you ever fell in love with me, and then when I realised about your parents, well...I decided it was only a matter of time."

"Oh, Severus, I had no idea you felt like that!"

"I suppose we've both had secrets from each other," he said thoughtfully. "And I still don't know why you're with me. Even now."

"I love you! I built you up in my mind before I met you, I know I did, but when I saw you I - I knew."

"That was lust, wasn't it?" he said pointedly, raising his eyebrows.

"It didn´t take long before it was more than that!" I replied, stroking his hair. "You've always made me feel so safe - as if - as if I've come home. You're - caring, loving, supportive, I can talk to you for hours about everything!"

"Not quite everything, apparently."

"From now on, everything."

"All I knew, when you came back, was that I couldn´t bear it. And I couldn´t stand to go through it all again. Lose you again. Not you and a baby as well. So, if I didn´t let you back in, it wouldn´t be as bad when you left again. Hah! I suppose I should have tried to understand your side of it, but I had no idea," he admitted grudgingly. "Hormones, chemicals - I´m sorry."

"Oh, Severus, I´m sorry too."

"Ella, at the trial...why didn´t you tell me then? I would have had to tell you the truth, you would have known right then, this needn´t have happened," he continued, looking at me sorrowfully.

"I - I should have done. But I wasn´t thinking straight, especially after that woman. She was so obviously after you! And really, the way my mind was working then, I would have just told myself you´d been taking the antidote again, and not to believe a word you said!"

"But you believed me about her," he answered softly, touching my lips with his fingertips, staring at them. "You knew I just wanted to make you jealous, didn´t you?"

"Yes, I did. But even Veritaserum antidote couldn´t have hidden your feelings about that from me." I kissed him deeply, feeling him sigh as he pulled me closer. When we finally broke apart I was flushed and breathless.

"Severus, I have to know...how do you feel about this?" I asked, glancing down at myself. His solemn face broke into a quick smile,

"Hah!" before becoming serious again. His hand dropped from my cheek to my belly and he ran it over me in wonderment before raising his wonderfully expressive eyes to mine once more. He took a deep, shuddering breath and replied simply, in a whisper,

"It overwhelms me."

"So, where do we go from here?" I asked quietly, swallowing hard.

"Well, over there might be a good place to start," he said, nodding towards the bed. "Is it...I mean, can we..."

"Oh, yes!" I replied fervently.

I was trembling as he took me by the hand and led me over to the bed. Our bed. He never took his eyes from mine, and when we had shrugged off our clothes, which we did standing just inches apart, still too far, he looked down at me and let out a long, shuddering breath.

"You´ve never looked so beautiful," he said in awe, and I cried then, moving closer to him and winding my arms around his waist, savouring the warmth and the smoothness and the scarcely bearable bliss of his skin against mine. Gently he lay me down on the bed, climbing in beside me and propping himself up on one elbow, his body moulding itself into the lines and curves of mine. He leant over to kiss me and I sighed as his hand reached down to my breast. His touch was so longed for it made me ache, and I felt an unmistakeable heat between my legs as his hand moved lower, caressing my swollen belly, his eyes closed now, nuzzling my cheek with his nose and lips, breathing my name as he touched me. One of my arms was around his neck, holding him close to me, the other stroked up and down his back, pulling him on to me impatiently.

He moved over me then, looking down at me questioningly, on all fours between my parted legs.. I reached down and he moaned with desire as my body ached and cried out for him.

"It´s been so long..." I breathed as he sucked my nipples one at a time, flicking his tongue over the hard nubs until tremors rushed through my body to my very epicentre and I nearly wept with want for him. I gripped his shoulder with my free hand, pulling him up to kiss him, and I cried out "Ah!" into his mouth. He was very slow, very gentle, and I felt his body shaking as he lowered it on to mine.

"Is it okay?" he murmured, his lips brushing against mine as he spoke.

"Yes! Yes!" I panted, tangling my fingers in his long black hair, feeling the silky smoothness of it, the sensation arousing me unbearably and making me arch my hips up to meet his. I pressed my belly against his, our union so longed for, and for so long, and then, at last, I felt completed.

"Oh, Severus! Hold me!" I cried, blissful, and we clasped each other, connected, marvelling in the sensation of being as one once again.

I had tried so hard, missing him, to remember what being with him this way had felt like, and now I wrapped my legs around him, barely daring to breathe lest the sensation changed and left me craving him once more.

"I´ve missed you!" Severus groaned in my ear. I couldn´t reply. I was overwhelmed by the sensations coursing through my body. I had missed him in every single way; my heart, my mind, both had pined for him, and now my body was so in tune with him, answering his call on some primal level, that

I began to cry out in my bliss almost immediately. As I screamed out his name he gazed down at me, his eyes full of fire, and soon he was calling out my name back at me, throwing back his head while my thighs gripped him tightly.

Afterwards I held him more closely, trying to maitain our physical connection for as long as I could. Eventually, however, he moved to lie by my side with a sigh. Our bodies remained entwined, and one of his arms provided me with a pillow while his hand stroked my back, the other hand caressing the baby inside me. I buried my head in his chest and breathed in his familiar scent. I could feel his heart pounding against my cheek, so steady, so strong, and I tried to squeeze even closer to him, not wanting even a particle of space between us now.

"What are you doing down there? Are you burrowing?" he murmured lovingly into my hair. I laughed.

"I can´t believe you´re mine again," I replied, kissing the soft skin below his armpit.

"Oh, let´s face it, I always was. And you knew that all along, didn´t you? Deep down?"

"Yes, but I didn´t know whether you´d ever relent and admit it."

"Neither did I. I don´t give second chances."

"I know. Hey, I hope you realise you won´t be able to be so intractable with the baby!"

"I´ll be a pussycat, Ella, I promise."

"As long as you´re a panther, not a fluffy little kitten..." I teased, looking up at him.

He laughed, his eyes crinkling at the corners in a way I´d rarely seen before. It suited him and I touched his temple, tracing the lines the smile made.

"Oh, I love you!" I said.

"I know. I love you too. Both of you."

Time passed, and we lay together in silence, our afterglow denying us further conversation. Eventually, however, I murmured,

"I miss you."

"What? I´m right here!" he replied, frowning down at me slightly, perplexed.

"I mean, I miss you!" I said meaningfully, moving my hand down between us until I could cup and squeeze him gently. "I want to feel you in me again, Severus, it´s been so long..."

"I´m not getting any younger, I don´t know if I can - oh, Ella!"

His eyes closed as I insistently proved him wrong. I wrapped my leg around his waist as high as I could and tilted my pelvis towards him, aided by his right hand pressing into the small of my back. I sighed with pleasure, trying to absorb every inch of his body into mine, just as the fire of his love consumed every inch of me.

"This is what I want, Severus," I breathed. "You and me, joined like this. I´ve longed for this!"

His eyes were heavy-lidded, hooded with passion, his moans catching in his throat as his opened mouth brushed against mine. His hand splayed across my buttocks, pulling me against him firmly and rhythmically.

"Ella..." he groaned as he held himself still.

"Just like this, Severus! Oh, love! Oh, Severus! Don´t let go! Oh, please, oh, love!"

I reached up to his face, my hands trembling, and I smoothed back his hair from his sweat-sheened temples, gazing deep into the darkness of his eyes.

"I´ll never let go again!" he moaned, pressing his drawn-back lips against mine as his climax began, his words and the intensity of his voice triggering my own, a sudden blissful explosion of light and heat. We rode it out together, clinging to one another with savage, desperate intensity, and all of the hardships we had endured to reach that moment were as nothing.