Snape In Love

Chapter 32

Time Has Told Me Not To Ask For More

I hardly dared breathe. I stayed as still as I could, stroking his hair back from his temples, letting my fingertips brush the top of his cheek, not daring to do more. Longing to trail my finger along the curve of his eyebrow, trace his jaw, touch his lips. Wishing I had the courage to drop down to my knees beside him and claim them as my own. Yearning for his love.

However, as the sun rose it shone directly into my eyes, and my pregnancy-softened stomach and back muscles began to ache painfully from standing still for so long. Gently I said,

"Severus, I need to sit for a while..."

He released me abruptly and rose to his feet, turning swiftly away so that I could neither see his face nor prevent him withdrawing from me. Silently I cursed myself vehemently for breaking the mood.

"Lie down over there," he said tersely, gesturing towards our bed. "You should probably try to get some sleep."

I took a few steps towards him and touched his arm, saying,

"Will you join me? Hold me again?"

Pain flashed across his face, quickly masked, and he replied stiffly,

"No, I don´t think so. Go on."

I looked into his eyes, pleading mutely, but he dropped his gaze and took a further step back. Shoulders drooping, I crossed over to the bed and kicked off my shoes, turning back to look at him, then climbing on. The crisp white linen pillow- cases felt so familiar and comforting, the green chenille counterpane so soft, and I sighed, feeling at last that I was home. I wished Severus would come to bed too, and hold me. I was desperate to crawl into his embrace, and never leave it. But I heard the creak of old leather as he sat down in his chair beside the fire, and tried to console myself that at least he was in the same room, and that I should be thankful for that. Evidently, for now, it would have to be enough.

Judging from the angle of the sunlight through the window, it was a few hours later when I awoke, and the counterpane covered me up to my shoulders. Severus must have done that as I slept. Reflexively I reached across to touch the pillow next to mine, saying softly, "Severus..." but then realising the pillow was untouched, unused.

"Severus?" I said again.

"Over here."

I turned round and saw him then, still sitting in the old leather armchair beside the fire. I wondered whether or not he had watched over me all the time I had been asleep. It certainly appeared that way, and I noticed that the sculpture had been returned from the table to its usual home, on the mantelpiece. I wondered whether that was because he no longer needed a substitute for me, since I was with him again. He was certainly watching me now, silently, two fingers of one hand against his left temple, the other two curled down towards his mouth.

"Oh, Severus, you´re here!" I said, sitting up and swinging my legs over the edge of the bed.

"I wasn´t about to go anywhere," he asserted coolly, "I didn´t want to have to worry about you waking up and running around the school trying to find me. Someone might have seen you."

"Oh," I replied, puzzled. "Well, why shouldn´t anyone see me?"

"Because you are quite noticeably pregnant, and if you were seen then your dirty little secret would be out!" he said mordantly, leaning forward in his chair, one hand on each arm. "And I know how you love to have your little secrets!"

"Oh, Severus, please! Have you been sitting there all this time, brooding about this? I thought I explained it all last night."

"Oh, you did, very eloquently, very persuasively. The little kick was a nice touch, very clever. Worthy of a Slytherin, even!"

I bristled, and he continued, his voice growing ever more vitriolic,

"But I have my position here to consider, don´t I? It wouldn´t be seemly for you to go gadding about the school looking like that, would it?"

"Seemly?" I repeated, confused and wishing I had never fallen asleep and allowed him the time to harden his heart once more.

"Yes, everybody would know that you´re carrying my child, and they already know that we aren´t together any more. What a laugh they´d all get," he continued acidly.

"Not together? But Severus, I want us to be together! I thought you did too! That´s why I came back to you!"

"I told you not to bother! And now, what I want is for you to leave here and never come back!"

His voice was harsh and grating, and his mouth twisted as he tried to regain his composure. Glaring at me as I held his gaze in horrified disbelief, he finally continued in a low voice,

"I want to forget I ever laid eyes on you."

Struggling to my feet I crossed the room and knelt in front of him, my hands on his knees.

"I know that´s not true, Severus. You gave me this, remember?" I clutched the emerald around my neck and held it up to him. "Do you think I haven´t seen you? Do you think I haven´t known how you´ve been suffering? And I know you. Like no one else ever has. So don´t pretend!"

He leaned back in his chair and covered his eyes with his hand, saying tiredly

"Just leave, Ella, can´t you? I doubt very much that you´re here to stay this time anyway, so why must you insist on prolonging the agony?"

"No!" I said forcefully, grasping his wrist and pulling his hand away from his face. "I´ve run away from you too many times, I´m not going to do it any more! I know what I´ve put you through. But I have a lifetime to make it up to you. Please. Let me."

"You can´t seriously expect me to take you back!" he said incredulously.

"Maybe not, but even so, I want you to, more than anything!"

He looked around the room uncomfortably, anywhere in order to avoid having to look at me, as

I pushed myself up onto my feet, using his knees to support myself, and climbed awkwardly into his lap. He did not react at all as I put my arms around his neck and held him fast to my chest, laying my cheek on the top of his head and breathing in the scent of his hair. I trembled with emotion, with love for him. At last, his arms twitched, and, hesitantly and obviously against his better judgement, he embraced me, holding me close. I let out my breath in a long shuddering gasp, saying his name into his hair. His arms were fastened around me again, after so long, and it felt so right I wanted to burst.

"Oh! Oh, Severus, I´ve missed you so much!"

His grip tightened around me and I felt his breath catch in his chest, but then, too soon, he let me go. He pushed me carefully from his lap and stood up. Once again he had closed himself off from me, and he brushed his hair back from his face with affected carelessness as he said formally,

"Stay for now, then, if you must. Your old rooms are waiting for you, and Poppy will want to examine you. I take it I am the last to know about - about the baby?"

"No, hardly anyone knows."

"Hmph! That won´t last long. The word will no doubt spread like wild fire."

"Can´t I stay here, with you?" I protested.

"No. You said yourself, once, you were only here by invitation."

I looked at him pleadingly, desperately wanting to throw myself on to him and beg him to relent, but I knew better. He was in no mood to be persuaded. I allowed myself a plaintive

"Will you come with me?" but he replied dismissively,

"I´m sure you can remember the way. Oh, and wear your robes at all times, they disguise your - condition. And try not to be seen too much."

Immovable, he folded his arms and stood watching me as I slipped on my shoes and cloak, and left.

By the time I reached my rooms I was hardly able to see where I was going. My heart and my mind were so firmly with Severus in the dungeons that I reached my door amazed that my body had found its way automatically, and so obviously without any help from me.

I sat down heavily in the chair by the window and wondered what to do now. I felt restless, helpless. I squeezed my eyes shut, causing unshed tears to roll down my cheeks, and tried to imagine how it had felt to sit clasped in his arms once more, but I could not recreate the sensation, and the effort simply left me feeling bereft.

I didn´t even dare go out, to try and find someone to talk to, as I didn´t want to risk giving Severus more reasons for hating me. The more I thought about it, the more outraged I became at his attitude towards my disguising my condition, and even my very presence, from the school. But nevertheless I knew I would do as he asked, if it meant eventually getting him back. He had, at least, conceded that I should stay at Hogwarts.

I really wanted to see Hermione, to apologise for my behaviour towards her over the previous months. I had behaved so thoughtlessly, and for all her intelligence and maturity, she was still little more than a child. I, as an adult, should not have let her down by disregarding her feelings and treating her with such suspicion. However, I didn´t know whether or not she would be in a class, so instead I resigned myself instead to waiting for Sirius to come and find me, when I would be able to tell him what had happened during the night and ask his advice on what on earth I should do next.

In the mean time, I took out the emerald and, not for the first time, offered a silent prayer of thanks that Severus had loved me enough to buy me such a wondrous and indispensable gift, for I truly did not know how I would have coped with the vicissitudes of our relationship had I not had it.

I looked into the clear green stone and gasped as I saw a tall black figure stride purposefully along the corridor leading to my rooms. I waited with bated breath but Severus didn´t turn along the short passage that led to my door. He didn´t even break his stride. Instead, he continued, up the short flight of stairs that led to the hospital wing, and I realised he was on his way to confront Madam Pomfrey.

He burst into her office and I watched a bitter argument ensue.

"Oh well," I thought, getting slowly to my feet, "now would be as good a time as any to get that check-up. Looks like she´ll be glad of the interruption. And at least I can see him again and try to get through to him."

A few minutes later I walked into the Infirmary, having been able to hear their raised voices through the partially open heavy wooden doors.

"...I still don´t see why you couldn´t have told me!"

"I keep telling you, it wasn´t my place!"

"What, even after she´d gone? Have you any conception of what I´ve been through?"

"Well, if what you say she´s told you is true, I wouldn´t have done either of you any good if I had told you!"

"But I could have gone after her!"

"And what would that have achieved, Severus? Listen to what you´re saying."

"Gah!"

"You had to wait for her to come back to you. And now she has."

"Oh, so now you´re saying I should welcome her back? I might have known you´d stick up for her."

I opened the door to Madam Pomfrey´s office and looked at Severus, white faced and agitated as he swung round to face me. Holding his gaze, which burned into me, I said,

"I´ve come for a check, Madam Pomfrey, now I´m back. I could come back later if it´s not a good time."

She sank into her chair gratefully and said, with a sharp look at Severus,

"It´s a perfect time, dear, now that both of you here together. Severus, would you like to hear your baby´s heartbeat?"

He tore his gaze from me and scowled at her, his features twisting with conflicting emotions.

"No, I would not!" he retorted vehemently, and before we could object, he brushed past me and swept out, slamming the door behind him as he went.

"He´s very upset, dear. He´ll come round." Madam Pomfrey said comfortingly as I reached out a hand to her desk to steady myself.

"But when?" I complained, exasperated. "I need him now! I´ve shut him out for far too long, I want him to share this with me now!"

"Well, maybe it´s time to think about what he wants now,"

"What´s that supposed to mean?" I snapped. "I know what he wants, I just need to make him see it!"

She shook her head wearily, but not unkindly.

"Never let anybody tell you that the two of you aren´t well-suited!"

Madam Pomfrey had just finished her examination of me, pronouncing herself satisfied, and had drawn back the screens when the Headmaster arrived in the Infirmary.

"Welcome back, Ella!" he said, his eyes twinkling as he stood at the foot of the bed on which I still sat. "I am led to understand that you´re seeing things more clearly now?"

"Yes, Headmaster," I replied, eyes downcast as I remembered the ugly scenes that had led up to my leaving. "Thank you for the pensieve. It - well, I´d already realised I´d been wrong...but it made me even more determined to come home."

Then, remembering too his comments to me in the Leaky Cauldron, I looked up at him curiously and asked,

"You knew everything all along, didn´t you?"

He smiled.

"Little goes on at Hogwarts without my knowledge," he replied gently. "I didn´t reach the grand age of one hundred and fifty without learning to read people very well."

"But you kept it to yourself?"

"Of course! All I could do was tell you to examine your motives closely. And I could not tell Professor Snape. It would not have done for him, or anyone, to coerce you into returning before you were ready to do so."

"But why?"

"Some things are pre-determined, Ella. Others happen because a butterfly beat its wings in a country far away. The trick is to learn the simple truth of what is, and why, and accept it."

I sighed, perplexed, and took comfort in the fact that of the two of us, one at least understood what on earth he was talking about.

"But Severus has suffered so much, and now he´s so cold..."

"He needs time, just as you did. I´m sure you´ll find your way back to one another. You know, Sybill Trelawney has been prophesying that your relationship is doomed on a regular basis ever since it began...so, naturally, I have absolutely no doubt that it will all work out!"

At last he had said something the meaning of which I could understand, and I smiled ruefully, shaking my head.

On the way back to my rooms I heard the clatter of footsteps and as I rounded a corner I was nearly knocked over by a breathless Hermione and Remus.

"Oh, it´s true, you´re back!" Hermione said as she flung her arms around my neck. "Sirius and Professor Dumbledore told me at break, but I´ve had to wait till now to come and find you!"

She released me, her eyes shining with joy, and Remus hugged me warmly, kissing my cheek.

"Ella, welcome home. We missed you."

We went into my room and I apologised to them both for my behaviour over the past months. I explained briefly what I had been thinking, filling in details that Sirius and the Headmaster had not already made them privy to since my return the night before.

"I´m so sorry, Hermione, I was awful to you, shutting you out like that. Suspecting you. I wouldn´t hurt you for the world!"

"It´s okay, really. You couldn´t help it. You poor thing, though, going through all that on your own!"

"Oh, Hermione! I wish Severus was taking it as well as you."

"Well, I don´t wish to belittle your friendship with Hermione, but Severus did lose an awful lot more than she did," Remus reminded me gently.

"Can you talk to him for me, Remus? Last night I really thought I´d managed to get through to him, but he must have been going over and over it while I was asleep, and then when I woke up...he was so withdrawn, and I know he still loves me! I know he does, will you tell him for me? Tell him I love him and I´m back for good?"

Remus shook his head.

"He won´t listen if he doesn´t want to, Ella. You know what he´s like. This is a huge shock for him, you know! Your coming back must be hard enough for him, but to be pregnant as well? Convincing him is something only you can do. He´ll listen, when he´s ready."

Sagging, I sighed heavily. I knew Remus was right, but I also knew how hurt Severus was, and how determined he must be to not forgive me, in spite of his feelings for me, which I knew were unchanged. Or perhaps because of them. He had opened up to me in a way he had never done with anyone before, and I had done my level best to reject him. I felt I would need all the help I could get before he would trust me enough to let me back into his life.