Snape In Love

Chapter 30

The Jewel In My Hand

Sirius had returned to Hogwarts, promising to keep out of Severus´ way lest he antagonise him, since Severus surely would have heard where Sirius had spent the last few weeks. In between counselling sessions, therefore, I was mostly left to my own devices during the day, Madame Maxime being preoccupied with the upcoming OWLS and NEWTS. This suited me well enough, since I was accustomed to my own company. Now that I could think of Severus more positively, I embraced my natural tendency to introspection by thinking with longing of the day I would feel his strong arms enfold me once more.

I began to wear the emerald everywhere now, constantly aware of its weight and warmth against my breast. I never felt alone, for I watched Severus continually, staring into the stone until my eyes blurred with, variously, concentration or tears. To my dismay, he looked worse every day, his routine an unvarying round of classes, evenings alone by the fire, and restless sleep. He rarely went to the Great Hall for meals, in fact I rarely saw him eat at all. He spent hours watching the moving sculpture, his black eyes boring into it, studying it, poring over it. Often he would reach out and touch it, but his touch would break the charm and he would be left clutching at cold stone.

Sometimes I would stare at his image so hard, breathing his name, just in case I could make him hear me by sheer force of concentration. I would lie awake at night, the emerald clutched in my hand, watching him as he sat by the dying embers of his fire, or as he walked wearily across to his bed, or as he lay spread-eagled across it, fully clothed, usually, and slept at last. My face would be bathed in its soft green glow, and I would stare into it until my eyelids drooped and I slept too. At least by doing that I felt I could be closer to him, even though I still yearned to touch him and let him know how deeply I regretted my unjust treatment of him.

I told the doctor I needed to return to Hogwarts, was ready, but she urged restraint and insisted I make a full recovery. Frustrated, but acceding to her clinical opinion, I decided to send him an owl instead.

I didn´t go into detail, the message simply said,

"Severus, I´m sorry. I love you and I miss you. I´ll be home soon. Ella." There were no hearts and flowers, no irritating declarations of endless love. I knew how he despised `silly love notes´. No matter how seriously I meant them, and I would have meant every word, I could well imagine how such a billet-doux would have been received.

Unfortunately, his reply a few days later was equally short and to the point. A terse, scribbled,

"Don´t bother. I told you to stay away from me from now on."

I wasn´t surprised at his response, but I had seen the owl post arrive at Hogwarts through the emerald and had witnessed the range of emotions that crossed his face as he had read my message and placed it inside his robe. I resolved to return to him as soon as I was able, and tackle him face to face.

In the mean time, I decided to send another owl, but to Dumbledore this time. I wanted to hear from him how Severus really was, and I also wanted to forewarn him of my impending return. His reply, when it arrived several days later, was brief. He told me that Severus´ state of mind was causing him some concern, and that he had not seen him so distraught since he had first come to him as a Death Eater seventeen years earlier. He was pleased that I was finally laying my ghosts to rest, and said he would send someone to accompany me home.

The very next day I received a package, wrapped up in brown paper and tied tightly with string. It too was from Hogwarts, and I was surprised to find that inside was a small pensieve, securely sealed with a magical lid on which was inscribed a short message to me. It read,

"Dear Ella, please make use of this pensieve. I believe it may explain something of Severus´ past to you, and may help you to come to terms with it. Yours, Albus Dumbledore."

My stomach was churning and I felt the skin on the back of my neck prickle. I was very well aware of the emotional power of memories in a pensieve, especially when such memories concerned the man I loved beyond words. I took a deep breath and set it to one side while I went to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face and prepare myself mentally.

I was due to see the counsellor that afternoon and wondered whether or not I should postpone using it until after I had spoken to her about it. However, patience is not a quality I have ever possessed in abundance, and I justified my haste to myself by deciding that the secrets the pensieve held could usefully be discussed in that day´s session.

So it was that a mere ten minutes after opening Dumbledore´s parcel I was sitting on my sofa with the pensieve in front of me, marshalling my courage for the revelations held in its swirling mists. Leaning forward slowly, I let the pensieve pull me in.

...I was standing in the Headmaster´s office. Dumbledore was pacing up and down in front of me, looking uncharacteristically anxious. If not for the length of his beard, I would not have believed I was seeing events that took place almost seventeen years before. Not until I saw Severus, anyway. As I watched there was a sharp rap at the door and Professor McGonagall entered with a cowled figure clad all in black behind her.

"Here he is, Professor Dumbledore," she said in clipped tones. "He was alone, I made sure of that."

"Thank you, Minerva," said the Headmaster, who had drawn himself up to his full height and looked more imposing than I had ever seen him before. "You may leave us now."

With a disapproving look at the Headmaster and the new arrival, she marched briskly out of the office, closing the door behind her.

"Show yourself!" Dumbledore ordered. The cowl was slowly drawn down and he shook his head. "So it´s true. Severus Snape."
Severus stood before him, a younger Severus than the one I knew but still familiar enough to make my heart race.

"I am here to throw myself on your mercy, Professor Dumbledore," he said in a low voice.

"Indeed," the Headmaster answered sternly. "For what reason?"

"Because Lily is dead. And James. And there was nothing I could do to stop him." His voice had dropped to little more than a whisper.

"And all the others, before the Potters? Did their deaths mean nothing?"

"I regret - I regret deeply every day that I spent in Voldemort´s service. I don´t intend ever to help him again. I won´t be responsible for any more deaths. I would - I would like to use my experience for good, Professor. I would like to share my knowledge of the Dark Arts, prepare students against Death Eater attacks. And in case the Dark Lord comes back."

"And why should I place my trust in you now, Severus?"

"Because I come here of my own free will. And because Voldemort never knew of my disillusionment. And because I will, therefore, do whatever I have to do to make amends."

He stood unflinching, proud, never once breaking Dumbledore´s penetrating gaze. The Headmaster nodded slowly.

"I believe you, Severus."

Severus closed his eyes briefly and his brow knotted in relief.

"Thank you, Headmaster."

"Do not thank me yet. I have not yet given you my terms. Sit down."

I watched as Severus complied, and moved closer, the better to see him. His hair was several inches longer, his face far less lined, his waist less thick. He was, in fact, painfully thin. His cheeks were hollow and his coal-black eyes were haunted and suffering. This was the man upon whose hands the blood of my family, metaphorically speaking, was still fresh, and yet I was wholehearted in my desire to kiss away his pain and his barely-concealed fear. Nevertheless, I could do no more than watch in frustration.

Dumbledore sat down heavily and leaned forward, his hands clasped on the desk in front of him.

"You are quite certain that Lord Voldemort does not know you went there tonight?"

"Yes, Headmaster. The child - all but destroyed him. He is very weak, and I don´t know where he has gone."

"Very well. I will offer you my protection, but these are my terms. I need a new teacher to instruct students in defence against the dark arts, it is true..." (At this Severus looked gratified) "...But that position will not be given to you."

Severus frowned and looked at the Headmaster enquiringly.

"You will teach potions. It is evidently your field of expertise, your talent is undeniable."

"Headmaster, I would rather not - "

"Silence! You will be potions master for as long as you remain under my guardianship at Hogwarts. It will be your duty, and your penance."

"Yes, Headmaster. Thank you."

Severus´ shoulders sagged, with relief.

"Headmaster?"

"Yes, Severus?" Dumbledore replied, more gently now.

"I - I tried to - I couldn´t save her!"

Dumbledore sighed.

"I know."

"As soon as I heard Black had betrayed them, I went there, to the cottage - it was too late. Potter was lying there dead and then Lily - then they were both dead, and the baby was bleeding - I couldn´t do anything, and I - I just left him there. I fled."

"It´s alright, Severus. I understand the position you were in, and how you must have felt. And Harry´s in a safe place now"

"It´s all Black´s fault. None of us knew where the Potters were, and I was secretly glad of that. It wasn´t easy, keeping my true feelings from Voldemort. He has a way of...knowing things." Severus shuddered, clutching at his left forearm reflexively as he continued,

"I kept my secret! Only for him to betray them. His best friends! He was lucky to have them..." Severus trailed off, his eyes glittering with hatred. "He might as well have killed Lily with his own hands, along with all those Muggles!"

I fell backwards out of the pensieve as the mists began to thicken. Leaning back on the sofa, my head pounding, I took stock of all that I had just learned. Severus could so easily have done as many of the other Death Eaters had done in the days after Voldemort´s fall. Simply go into hiding and wait for his return, or deny ever having sworn allegiance to him. But instead, Severus had turned himself over to Dumbledore and agreed to do a job that every day reminded him of his past mistakes. It was no wonder that he was often so irascible. And it was proof indeed of his remorse.

I wondered at what point he had agreed to become Dumbledore´s spy. Dumbledore had a way of reading people, of judging them, and he obviously had a great deal of respect for Severus, and absolute trust in him.

I picked up a cushion and hugged it to me as I curled up, convinced now, beyond any shadow of doubt, of the disservice I had done him, and more determined than ever to make amends. If he would let me.

**************************************************************

It was the seventh day in May when Hagrid came. I was walking back to the chateau from Madame Maxime´s favourite bridge when I heard his gruff voice calling to me.

"Yer lookin´ well, Ella!" he said as he approached with Madame Maxime. "I´ve been told all about yer, yeh´ve led ev´ryone a merry dance!"

"Hagrid! It´s good to see you. Can you tell me how Professor Snape's doing?"

"Professor Snape? Well, he keeps pretty much to `imself, you know that, he don´t confide in no one. But I wouldn´t like to be one of `is students, and that´s a fact!"

I heard a loud bark from behind one of the topiary hedges and thought for a moment that Hagrid had brought Fang along with him, but it wasn´t Fang who came to greet me.

"Padfoot!" I exclaimed, crouching down and flinging my arms around his neck, the dog´s tail wagging furiously. In an instant, Sirius stood before me, laughing as he said,

"Can I have that welcome again?"

We walked back up to the terrace and I said,

"How was Severus when you left? Did he know you were coming here?"

"You really want to know?" Sirius sighed. "I´ve been keeping out of his way. Every time I see him I think he´s going to curse me. Luckily, there´s usually someone else around so he settles for looking daggers at me rather than using them on me..." he said ironically.

"I´ve been watching him...he looks awful, I need to go to him. Sirius, take me home!"

"That´s why I´m here, Ella. But we must get you discharged first, and you must be quite sure you´re ready."

"But I am! I know I am."

Sirius put his hands on my shoulders and kissed my forehead lovingly before looking searchingly into my eyes.

"I hope he knows how lucky he is. I wish I was him."

I hugged Sirius fiercely, and we stood like that until Hagrid and Madame Maxime came up the steps and joined us on the terrace.

I had to wait several more days before I could see the doctor again, but since she finally accepted that I was cured of my delusions she agreed to discharge me from her care. I admit I gave her little choice, since I was more than ready to discharge myself, but we parted on good terms and I was more grateful to her for my newfound peace with myself than I could easily express.

Saying goodbye to Madame Maxime after all her kindness to me would have been quite painful for me had I not been so single-mindedly set on seeing Severus again. She had been there for me when I had been searching for a mother figure, and while I had not been able to confide in her from the outset, once I had done so she had been perhaps as supportive and sympathetic as my own mother would have been. She had certainly had the sensitivity and good sense not to interfere, I had realised, and for that I was grateful.

************************************************************

Hagrid was to stay behind for another week, so when Sirius and I set off in the cart for the pension, we were alone, apart from the little round wizard, our chauffeur.

"I don´t see why we couldn´t have waited till morning," grumbled Sirius good-naturedly as we bumped along a narrow dirt track. "We´ll miss dinner! Here and at Hogwarts!"

I gave him a withering look and he grinned at me.

"You do realise, it´ll be close to midnight by the time we get there?"

"That´s okay," I shrugged. "Probably better that there won´t be too many people around. I don´t want to waste time being polite and making small talk, I just want to see Severus."

"You´re two of a kind, you really are!" he replied, snorting with laughter as I looked at him sharply. I took the emerald from underneath my sweater and looked into its depths, murmuring "Mirror Mirabilis" for what must have been the twentieth time that day. Sirius sighed,

"Oh, not again!" and then "Ouch!" as I gave him a kick.

Severus was in the staff room, bored and idly inspecting his fingernails as Dumbledore held a staff meeting. I gazed fondly at him for a while, but wished he didn´t look so thin, and pale, and unkempt. After a few minutes I sighed "Finite Incantatem!" and put the stone away once more.

"Well? Is he still all right?" asked Sirius dryly.

"Hmph" was my only reply, as I willed the old mare to go faster.

When we arrived at the Three Broomsticks it was dark. Dumbledore had arranged for a horseless carriage to be waiting for us, so once Sirius had finished his apparently customary flirtatious exchange with one of the barmaids, we were quickly on the way to Hogwarts.

"Well, this is it, Ella! The last leg of the journey!"

"You´re being cheerful again, stop it."

"Sorry. How are you feeling?"

"Tired, sick and nervous, and not necessarily in that order." I answered sourly.

"Maybe you should leave seeing him till the morning...you´d feel better after some sleep."

"You think I´d be able to sleep, knowing we were within the same walls again at last? No, I can´t wait till morning. You don´t know what this feels like, Sirius!"

"No, maybe I don´t," he answered simply, putting his arm around my shoulders and hugging me as we rounded a bend and Hogwarts came into view, silhouetted in black against an improbably starry sky.

"Come on, let´s go to the kitchens!" said Sirius as he helped me down from the carriage. "I´m starving, and you should have something too."

"I´m not hungry," I muttered, feeling sick and dizzy now that we had finally arrived.

"Well, we´re going anyway," he insisted. There won´t be anybody about at this time of night, and it´s neutral territory, too. For you to meet him, I mean."

I nodded uncertainly, filled with apprehension now. I held on to Sirius´ arm as we went through a side door to the kitchens. He had been my anchor throughout this whole episode and I was unwilling to let him go. Besides, I was so nervous that I could barely put one foot in front of the other.

Sirius sat me down at the end of one of the four long tables, which I knew were directly below those in the Great Hall, and conjured a mug of steaming coffee, which he pushed into my hands. Then, he poked around in one of the huge larders while I struggled to get my breathing under control and wondered how difficult it would be to convince Severus to take me back.