Snape In Love

Chapter 28

Give Me So Much Love That I Forget Myself

When all that´s good seems to wear you down

When the river is far and wide

And you can´t stand up for falling down

You´re a believer who´s found they lied

Try...to find a way

Try...to say goodbye to yesterday

Goodbye to yesterday...say goodbye...

When you push they push on you

It´s hand to mouth and day to day

Do you have your baggage or do your bags have you?

You´re doing fine - it´s not too late

To lay your burden down and walk through Heaven´s gate

Try... to find a way

Try...to say goodbye to yesterday

Goodbye to yesterday

Say goodbye

You´ve got to find a way to say goodbye...

(Neal Morse - `Goodbye to Yesterday´ - Spock´s Beard)

Days passed, then weeks, and I was left more or less to my own devices. Madam Maxime was a gracious hostess but seemed to accept my desire for solitude. We would walk together several times a week, but she never questioned me again about my reasons for fleeing Hogwarts this time. I was relieved that she did not push me for answers I wasn´t ready to give.

I thought about Severus constantly at first. It seemed that every time I used the emerald he was pensive, brooding. Melancholy. I missed him so desperately that I packed my bags five times in the three weeks following my return from London. Even though I would lie awake at night, aching so much to feel the strength of his arms around me that it physically hurt, I always managed to talk myself out of leaving my sanctuary, and my bags never even got as far as my salon before I unpacked them again.

Gradually, however, I began to come to terms with my situation, and I even learnt to subdue the dissenting voice in my head that begged me to return home.

I used the emerald less and less, then on one occasion when I did and he was in a rage, spitting venom at a hapless sixth year, part of me felt justified in shoving it to the back of my dresser drawer and 'forgetting' about it. When I thought of him now, I made myself concentrate on his temper, his sarcasm, his Dark Mark, and his past. His power over me. His ability to hurt me. That way, I convinced myself I was right to leave him. I was talking myself out of loving him.

I saw the Beauxbatons nurse each week and was comforted to find that all was well. I was lucky to be able to take advantage of her excellent midwifery skills, which had come in all too useful at a school where so many of the female students had Veela blood and whose hormones ran riot as they reached adulthood.

As I progressed towards the middle of my second trimester the sickness wore off and I began to bloom. I also became more aware of my baby as it moved inside me, the first fluttering taking me by surprise as I lay in bed one morning. I had been awake for a few minutes when I noticed it, a small stirring deep inside me, and I held my breath, not daring to move, in case I missed it happen again. When I felt a second tiny kick inside me I laughed out loud, placing both hands over my rounded tummy, waiting for more.

I was about to get up when I heard through my open window the sound of someone arriving in the courtyard accompanied by a flurry of giggling schoolgirls.

"What on earth´s going on out there?" I wondered, then heard mellifluous male laughter and realised whose arrival had caused such a stir.

"What´s he doing here?" I thought, not unhappily. Dressing quickly, I had only just finished dragging a brush through my hair when there came a loud knock at my door.

I opened the door and the new arrival enfolded me in a warm embrace.

"Ella! It´s been a month since the trial, and we´ve had no word from you at all! How are you?"

"I´m fine, but oh! Sirius, it´s so good to see you! I´ve missed you!"

I wiped tears from my eyes as I led him into my small salon.

"Well, a hug from me doesn´t usually reduce people to tears... in fact, I got quite a welcome out there!" he said, grinning, as he flopped on to one of the overstuffed sofas, pulling me down next to him.

"Mmm, so I heard," I said dryly.

"So, Hermione and Remus send their love," he said conversationally. "Hermione´s studying furiously, of course. Oh, and, er, I think Snape still misses you..." he trailed off, watching me closely.

My eyes brimmed with tears, and I stood up, walking across to the window.

"And so here we are again!" he mused. "History repeating itself, although I must say, I´m glad we´re here and not back at Durmstrang!"

I gave a hollow laugh and half turned towards him, glancing at him quickly through my tears.

"My God..." he breathed, realisation evident in his voice as he stared at my profile, noticing the alteration in it for the first time. "Ella, you´re not-" He scrambled to his feet and, crossing the room to me in three easy strides, placed his hands on my shoulders and looked at me searchingly, "How long have you known? - Does Snape know?"

I hung my head and sank forwards into Sirius´ arms. Gently he held me, stroking my hair, rocking me.

"No, I couldn´t tell him."

"Whyever not?"

"I just couldn´t!"

"And that´s why you ran away?"

"Yes. No. I can´t tell you why, Sirius, but I had to leave."

"You could have told me, Ella. Does anybody at Hogwarts know?"

"Hermione knows, and Madam Pomfrey. I don´t know about Remus, or the Headmaster."

"Well, how long did you intend keeping it a secret? He´ll have to know sooner or later!"

"I don´t know! Oh, Sirius, leave it, please! I can´t talk about this now!" and I pulled away from him, sitting down once more.

"Okay, okay, I´m sorry," he said, puzzled.

"Look, I´ll take you down to the kitchens, we can get a late breakfast. You can tell me all the gossip from Hogwarts."

"Even the stuff that concerns you?" he said, raising his eyebrows.

"No, not that. Not just yet, anyway."

Sirius was good company and over the next few days I appreciated his presence more than I could say. He lifted me out of myself and even made me laugh. Sometimes he would study me when he thought I wasn´t looking, speculatively, as if he was wondering what I was thinking. Every time I felt the conversation might be heading towards areas I wasn´t ready to discuss, though, I would change the subject and he would sigh ruefully.

The French countryside was beautiful and we would often take a horse and cart out for the day, buying wine, baguettes, pate and cheese from small village delicatessens, picnicking on a bench in the village square or, more often than not, in the shade of an oak tree in the middle of a field, or beside a babbling brook.

I felt slightly guilty from time to time and wondered what Severus was doing. I left the emerald shut away in its drawer, because I knew what I would see in it were I to look, and I didn´t want my heart to break. It was far easier to pretend that Severus was part of my past, irrevocably, and to live in the present. Sirius made me happy, as far as he could. He was a good friend, and if I let him hug me for longer than was, strictly speaking, proper between friends, then I told myself it wasn´t because of the way his strong arms and long dark hair reminded me of my lost love.

On the Tuesday of the second week in April, ten days after Sirius arrived, the weather was unseasonably hot. We took the horse and cart out in the afternoon and followed a small winding track we had first seen a few days before, which branched off from the main road leading to the nearest village. We had speculated as to where it led, and had decided to satisfy our curiosity. As we had suspected, the track dipped and weaved through fields and small copses until it climbed to a ruined cottage halfway up a small incline. There was an old well in the garden, with a wooden pail still attached to a rope beside it, and when Sirius drew some water from the well we discovered that it was clear and quite palatable. The old mare was glad of our find, and we left her drinking from the pail while we ascended what remained of the hill on foot, to see whether we would be able to see Beauxbatons.

The best part of twenty minutes later, we were at the top. I had taken the admittedly gentle climb very slowly, with Sirius´ help, but I was still breathless and exhausted.

"Here, sit down," he said solicitously. "I shouldn´t have dragged you up here, it was too much-"

"I´m fine!" I protested. "I´m not ill!"

Nevertheless, I collapsed on to the grass and lay back, groaning with relief. Sirius laughed and sat down beside me, shielding his eyes against the sun as he scoured the rolling countryside for sight of the chateau.

"Look, it´s there, I can see it through the trees. It´s quite a long way off."

Sighing and propping myself up on my elbows, I followed his pointing finger.

"Very interesting. Got anything to drink?"

"Damn, sorry, no. I left everything in the cart! Shall we go back down now?"

"You must be joking! I need a rest," I grumbled.

He leant back on one elbow and smiled at me.

"Pregnancy agrees with you."

"You reckon?"

"Yes, you´re quite delightful when you´re grumpy!"

My heart lurched. I knew he hadn´t meant to, but Sirius had reminded that that was just the way I felt about Severus, and I suddenly ached to see him. At that moment the baby, obviously feeling that my exertion had not winded me sufficiently, chose to kick me forcefully, and I started, saying

"Oh!"

"What? What is it?"

I took his hand and placed it on my stomach, pressing it down firmly a palm´s width below my ribs.

"There! Can you feel it?"

"Er...no..."

"Oh well. Maybe it´s still too small yet," I said.

Sirius didn´t take his hand away, however, he simply looked into my eyes thoughtfully. Suddenly I felt something wet on my cheek, first one drop and then another, and I realised it had started to rain.

"Where did all those clouds come from?" I complained, struggling to a sitting position so that Sirius could help me up.
"Great, a storm!" he said dryly. "Come on, we´ll get soaked!"

Sirius held my arm as we walked down the hill as quickly as I was able, and by the time we reached the cottage the sky was black.

"I think we´d better shelter," he said grimly, although the rain had already plastered our hair to our faces and soaked our clothes through. We went inside and found a room that was not fully open to the sky. I shivered as the wind whistled through the cottage, and Sirius stepped towards me, gazing into my eyes as he brushed a dripping lock of hair away from my face.

"Drip drip drip, little April showers!" he smiled.

Holding my arms out from my sides as the fabric of my blouse clung to them wetly, I muttered,

"Why do you have to be so relentlessly cheerful?"

His smile faded and he regarded me thoughtfully with an indulgent sigh.

I returned his gaze levelly, saw that his eyes were black, the irises almost gone, and I let his arms enfold me in a close embrace. I closed my eyes then and I could almost fool myself that it was Severus holding me. I slipped my arms around his waist and felt him exhale, breathing into my hair as he held me. His shirt was soaked and it stuck to his back. After a few moments he pulled back slightly and looked down at me, lifting one hand to my face in order to tilt it up to his. He gazed at me intently for a long moment, then bent his head and kissed me gently, his lips brushing mine hesitantly at first, then lingering as I did not pull away. His lips were warm and soft, but not as pliant as Severus´, and he didn´t taste the same. Withdrawing from him a little, I said softly,

"Do you have your wand? We need to get dry," and stepped back from him. The mood was broken, and we felt awkward now. We had crossed an invisible line and we both knew it.

The storm passed quickly, and we returned to the chateau, an uncomfortable silence between us now. I was exhausted, and told Sirius I would see him at dinner. Lying on my bed, I went over the afternoon´s events in my mind until sleep claimed me.

I woke an hour later, rested and quite refreshed. I showered quickly and arrived at dinner just as everyone else had started. Sirius rose to greet me, smiling uncertainly, and I gave him a warm smile in return. I didn´t want there to be any awkwardness between us, he was too good a friend for that.

Later we joined Madam Maxime on the terrace for liqueurs, as was the habit now that the weather had improved, and to my relief we were soon conversing easily again. However, I soon felt tired once more, and when I rose to return to my room Sirius said he would accompany me to my door and then retire himself.

I took his proffered arm as we strolled along the blue-carpeted corridors, chatting animatedly about the relative comforts, or otherwise, of Beauxbatons, Hogwarts and Durmstrang, responding to the paintings of ladies with fine dresses and pompadours who wished us a coy `bonne nuit´ as we passed.

At last we arrived at my door and I turned to face Sirius, fondly placing both hands on his shoulders and reaching up to kiss him lightly on the cheek. His hands rested on my hips, and as I withdrew he leant down and swiftly captured my lips with his own. Taken by surprise for the second time that day, I didn´t want to pull away. Instead I snaked my arms around his neck and returned his kiss, gently at first but then with more hunger as his arms held me closer, the way Severus´ arms used to, enfolding me, making me feel safe, wanted, and loved. His tongue flicked against my teeth and I opened my mouth wider, welcoming him inside. He smelled different, he tasted different, but I needed to taste him all the same, and our tongues circled round and round, exploring, enquiring, accepting.

My legs felt weak, and I let him support me as I leaned against him, my head falling back as he trailed ardent kisses along my cheek and down my neck. I had so needed to be held like this, had missed the closeness so much, and as I clung to him, overwhelmed by memories I had been trying for weeks to subdue, I moaned

"Severus! Oh, Severus!"

We froze, and after long seconds he straightened and we broke apart.

"I- I- Sirius, I´m so sorry-" I stammered, embarrassed and confused. Sirius ran his hand through his hair, brushing it from his face, and looked at me, sadness and understanding in his eyes.

"So am I."

He sighed heavily then, and, taking both my hands in his, said gently,

"Do you think we can talk now? About why you left him?"

I nodded, opened my door, and led him inside.