Snape In Love

Chapter 26

When You're Without Love

Dinner at Beauxbatons Academy was a far more formal affair than at Hogwarts, with the students and staff alike expected to dress in their best dress robes and observe proper etiquette at all times. Breakfast, however, was far more casual than I had been used to, and pastries, fruit and cafe-au-lait usually sufficed, students often eating in their dormitories while dressing, or even on their way to lessons. Consequently, I tended to breakfast in my suite, often sitting up in bed reading. One day, a week or so after I had arrived, I was doing just that when there was a loud thump at my window, followed by a tapping on the pane. A large white owl was standing on the sill. I jumped down from the bed and lifted the sash window. The owl dropped a letter into my hands and then, with a soft hoot, flew off over the battlements in the direction of the owlery.

The letter bore the Hogwarts crest, and I tore it open impatiently, wondering what it could be. It was from Albus Dumbledore, and my heart sank as I read it. The date had been set for Malfoy's trial. It was to be held in the courtroom of the Ministry of Magic the following week. I was obliged to attend, and would have to give evidence. That, however, was not all. My evidence had to be given under the influence of Veritaserum, and Severus would be there.

My heart began to race and I ran to the bathroom, heaving as I went. Several minutes later, shaking and sweating, I stripped and stepped into the shower cubicle, turning on the water jets and sinking down until I was sitting with my knees drawn up to my chest.

I didn't want to give evidence. I had always known I'd have to, but I'd thought Severus would be there with me, giving me strength. Now, I would have to do it alone, and, worse still, I would have to find the courage to face him, too. And to be on my guard, of course. An overwhelming loneliness engulfed me and my tears fell freely as the water from the shower pounded against my head and ran down my face. I missed him. I couldn't deny it. To love someone so deeply, and then to leave them, was madness! What had I done?

Shakily I got out of the shower and reached for a towel, wrapping it around myself as I went back along the hall into the bedroom and over to the dresser. Opening the drawer I took out the black lacquered box and opened it. Then, I stopped myself. I couldn't let my emotions rule me like this. What was I thinking? To escape from the lion's den, only to throw myself back in again? I told myself firmly that nothing had changed. Severus had been responsible for the death of my family, and I had to protect myself and my baby from him now because otherwise we could be next.

I took a deep breath, and took out the emerald. I saw Severus in the staff room, with Dumbledore, McGonagall, Remus and Sirius. He was scowling at Remus, who held out his hands trying to placate him. As I watched, he turned on his heel and swept out of the room, and my view followed him, to see him slam the door behind himself and then sink against the wall, his head bent down and his hair obscuring his face. I saw his shoulders shake, twice, and as the staff room door opened and Remus came out in search of him, he straightened and strode off quickly, misery etched on his face.

I dropped the stone back into the box and shoved it to the back of the drawer of my dresser. I couldn't stand to see him like that. I assumed that they had just found out the day of the trial, as I had, and that Severus was taking badly the news that he and I would both have to attend.

I dressed slowly, intending to see Madame Maxime at the earliest opportunity and tell her my news. I couldn't get that last picture of Severus out of my mind, however. He had looked so broken, so sad. I had to see him again, so I took out the box once more, to try to convince myself that I had been wrong to leave him. What I saw chilled me. He was standing over the large cauldron at the end of his classroom, hurling ingredients into it in a rage, his face contorted with bitterness. I dropped the pendant and took several steps backwards, horrified. Turning, I blundered out of the room with tears in my eyes, and fled.

Madame Maxime was most concerned for me when I told her I would soon have to travel to London. I had regained my composure by the time I was ushered into her office, but I could tell that she knew I had been deeply upset.

"Ze voyage will be 'ard for you," she said anxiously, fixing me with the penetrating stare that she and Dumbledore could do so well. "You will see Professor Snape there, yes? At ze trial?"

"Yes."

"And will you...'ow you say...be friendly?"

I knew what she meant, and replied,

"I doubt it. He was never the easiest of people to talk to before we - when we first met. I should think he'd probably want to avoid me." Either that or tear me to shreds with his words, I thought.

"Eet makes you vairy, vairy sad," she observed, shaking her head sympathetically.

"Yes..." I whispered, with a lump in my throat.

"Zen, why are you 'ere, cherie?"

"It - it just wasn't meant to be."

She sat back and looked at me thoughtfully.

"Zat could be true, zere are some zings zat are not meant to be. But zen, zere are ozzers zat are meant to be. Zey are written in ze moon and ze stars, and no matter 'ow much we run, we must confront zem and embrace zem in ze end, before we find our 'appiness. Eez eet not so?"

I looked at her curiously. Her words were so familiar, and I realised I had heard those same words from Dumbledore's lips, to Severus in the Pensieve, and to me on the night of the Valentine's Ball.

"Madame Maxime, I'll be given Veritaserum. I'm afraid I'll be made to tell the whole court about the baby. I don't want him to find out, especially not like that!"

"Ze Veritaserum will not be denied. Eef you are asked a direct question, you will be compelled to answer. But, only a direct question. You must remember, only answer ze question! Nevair elaborate! Keep your silence after each answer. Zat way, you might not 'ave to let anyzing slip out!"

I sighed heavily and ran my hand through my hair as I thought about what she had said. Finally, I stood up.

"I'll leave on Wednesday. I should be back by the weekend," I said decisively. "And I shall be staying at the Leaky Cauldron."

Madame Maxime stood up, dwarfing me.

"I will see you at dinner, ma petite. Eet is cool today. Wear your cloak, eef you go out for a walk. Per'aps you will go to ze bridge over ze river?" she said meaningfully. I smiled politely, and took my leave of her. When I went out for my walk, I didn't wear my cloak. And I didn't go down to the bridge, I went to the rose walk. I didn't want to do as she had hinted I should, and think. Thinking was too problematic. I couldn't stand the arguments I kept having with myself.

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My journey to London was every bit as hellish as my journey to France had been, and when Tom, the barkeep at the Leaky Cauldron, saw me, he left a pint of butterbeer half-poured and came around to greet me, showing me to my room straight away. I supposed it would not be good for business if someone came in to the bar from outside to see one of its customers looking so ill, I thought wryly.

My heart sank when I saw the room. It was the same one I had occupied on my last visit there, when Severus had come to me in the night to send me back to Hogwarts after telling me he loved me for the first time. As if I needed a reminder of him.

"I'm sorry, Tom, but do you have any other rooms free?" I pleaded.

"Oh, sorry miss, no, I don't. We're full up tonight, and tomorrow too, for that matter. It's because of the trial," he continued, dropping his voice and leaning in to me conspiratorially. "Big Hogwarts contingent staying here too, but then, you'd know that, wouldn't you, miss?"

"Thank you, Tom," I muttered, going inside and shutting the door. I sank on to the bed, faint with shock. I had known, of course, deep down, that they would be here. Where else would they stay? I berated myself for my lack of foresight. I couldn't face seeing them, not any of them, but especially not Severus, even though my heart was aching for him. Wretchedly, I curled up into a ball and buried the sound of my sobs in the pillow.

Evening came, and I didn't dare leave my room. Madame Maxime had sent me on my way with some food, namely a demi-pain, some cured ham, and fruit. I ate these now, and drank water from the tap, even though my stomach was roiling and churning. As with everything else in my life at that moment, I did it for my baby, not for myself.

I slept only fitfully that night, and woke with a headache and memories of troubling dreams. When Hermione knocked on my door the next morning and I opened it to find her standing there with so much concern on her face, I forgot my previous coldness with her and greeted her with open arms.

"Oh, Ella, I've missed you! Where were you last night? I was waiting for you to come down to the bar and see us, but you never came, and Professor Dumbledore wouldn't let me come to get you!"

"I'm sorry. I couldn't face - anyone."

"That's what Dumbledore said. And Professor Snape stayed up in the bar all night, I think, in case you went down. Remus had to share a room with him, and he says he didn't come to bed at all. I wish I could have shared with you."

"Slow down Hermione, pause for breath, can't you?" I muttered, rubbing my forehead with my forefingers, trying to take in everything she had said. He was here. He was here; he'd been waiting for me. I needed to see him. I should have gone to him last night. No. No, I shouldn't, and it was lucky I'd eaten in my room, and not had anything from the kitchens that could have been tampered with. I needed to keep a clear head.

"...And anyway, we'll all be travelling together." Hermione finished.

"What? What did you say?"

"Oh, never mind. Look, everyone will be gathering downstairs soon. We're all going by Floo, like I said. Come on, we have to go. It's so good to see you!"

"Hermione, I...I don't know if I can - see him again."

She touched my arm, and looked at me seriously.

"But he loves you, Ella. I mean, really loves you."

My eyes filled with tears.

"You can't know that."

"Oh, I think I can! And I know he'd love the baby too. He's been vile since you've been gone. Far more bad tempered than usual. Come back to Hogwarts with us, when this is all over? Please? He was quite nice when he was happy!"

I looked at her helplessly.

"I can't!"

"But why?"

"Oh, drop it, Hermione! Just - just drop it!" I shouted, unable to take any more and beginning to be suspicious of her tenacity. "Let's just get this over with."

Grabbing my cloak I swept past her, out into the corridor, drying my eyes on the back of my hand as I descended the stairs, weak-kneed.

When I went into the bar everyone was there apart from Severus.

"Ella!" Sirius said, hugging me fiercely and then holding my shoulders, looking into my eyes. "How are you?"

"I've been better," I admitted. "How's your nose?"

He grimaced, and replied,

"As good as new now. Poppy fixed it up."

"I'm sorry, Sirius."

"Not your fault."

I turned to greet the others - Remus, Harry and Dumbledore.

"Where - where is he? Where's Professor Snape?" I asked tremulously, looking around the room anxiously and then at each of them in turn.

"Ah, he went on ahead, Ella. About ten minutes ago," answered the Headmaster. "We will meet him there," he continued, fixing me with a meaningful gaze over the top of his half-moon spectacles.

"I see," I whispered, desperately disappointed and yet relieved that he wasn't still sitting at the bar waiting for me, irrational though I knew that notion was.

Dumbledore turned to the others.

"You go on ahead. Ella and I will follow momentarily. Wait for us."

One by one, the four stepped into the fireplace, first Remus, then Hermione, Harry and Sirius. Four flashes of green fire left the Headmaster and I alone. His hands clasped in front of him, he slowly walked up to me. I stood tensely, with my arms folded, biting my bottom lip and looking at the floor. I might as well have been eleven years old again, waiting to see my teacher Professor Dumbledore about an unfinished essay.

"How have you been, Ella?" he asked kindly. I shrugged and shook my head slightly.

"Madam Maxime has been very kind."

"Indeed. I know you will be looked after well there. Until you are ready to come home."

I lifted my eyes and met his steady gaze.

"How can you be so sure I ever will? I'm not!"

He smiled kindly.

"We are, each and every one of us, the sum of our experiences. Once you understand who you are, and how you became who you are, you will know where you belong. Now, are you ready?"

My headache pounding, I simply stared at him uncomprehendingly, and followed him to the fireplace.

We arrived in a long, windowless corridor, panelled in oak to chest height, and painted above in that sickly shade of green that used to be so favoured in Muggle hospitals the world over. The corridor was empty, but the Headmaster knew exactly where we had to go, walking purposefully a little way along until he reached a set of heavy double doors where the rest of our party was waiting. They creaked open as he tapped them with his wand, and, filled with apprehension, I followed the others as they filed inside