Snape In Love

Chapter 24

I Made Excuses And Ran

Ne me quitte pas, il faut oublier

Tout peut s'oublier qui s'enfuit deja_

Oublier le temps, des malentendus

Et le temps perdu. A savoir comment

Oublier ces heures qui tuaient parfois

A coups de pourquoi le coeur du bonheur

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Moi je t'offrirai des perles de la pluie

Venues d'un pays ou il ne pleut pas

Je creuserai la terre jusqu'apres ma mort

Pour couvrir ton corps d'or et de lumiere

Je ferai un domaine ou l'amour sera roi

Ou l'amour sera loi, ou tu seras reine

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas. Je t'inventerai

Des mots insens_s que tu comprendras

Je te parlerai de ces amants-la_

Qui ont vu deux fois leurs coeurs s'embraser

Je te raconterai l'histoire de ce roi

Mort de n'avoir pas pu te rencontrer

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

On a vu souvent rejaillir le feu

De l'ancien volcan qu'on croyait trop vieux

Il est parait-il des terres brulees

Donnant plus de ble qu'un meilleur avril

Et quand vient le soir pour qu'un ciel flamboie

Le rouge et le noir ne s'epousent-ils pas?

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas. Je ne vais plus pleurer

Je ne vais plus parler. Je me cacherai la

A te regarder danser et sourire

Et t'ecouter chanter et puis rire

Laisse-moi devenir l'ombre de ton ombre

L'ombre de ta main, l'ombre de ton chien, mais

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas, ne me quitte pas

(Jacques Brel)

Naturally, Severus didn't want to attend the Valentine's Ball. I had spent days chipping away at him about it until he had finally exploded and bellowed,

"Give me some peace, woman! You know that hearts and flowers and silly love notes mean nothing to me! Giggling schoolgirls and shallow sentiment? Hah! It's all rubbish, none of it's real! And I don't know how that charlatan Trelawney persuaded Albus into it in the first place!"

"But I want to go! It'll be fun!"

"Fun?" he sneered, glaring at me.

"Yes, fun! Ever heard of it?"

"Pah!"

"Fine, don't come. I'll get someone else to take me. Like Sirius," I added as a parting shot as he swept out of the room to go and take his class. He froze, and turned to me saying icily,

"You will not. I won't let you!"

I raised my eyebrows at him mockingly, and he slammed the door shut behind him.

I spent another night in my own rooms that night, and was undisturbed.

The night of the ball arrived. We had circled round the subject, and each other, very warily since our latest spat, and, unsurprisingly, had not marked Valentine's Day with gifts or cards. I avoided him all day, an easy task these days, and when evening came I spent a long time in my rooms, dressing for the ball.

I had chosen to wear a long velvet dress in a deep burgundy shade, with a low neck and fitted sleeves and bodice. The skirt flared out from my hips and was panelled with rose-patterned lace of the same colour. These panels were visible only when I walked, or danced, when the skirt would fan out about me. My hair was held back from my face by a golden band, and it cascaded down my back in thick ringlets. I had outlined my eyes in kohl so that they smouldered, and my lips and nails were painted in glossy wine, to match my dress. I was delighted with the overall effect, pregnancy beginning to enhance my natural voluptuousness to pleasing proportions. Now all I had to do, whether Severus chose to attend or not, was to make sure that he at least caught a glimpse of what he was missing.

Smiling at my reflection in the mirror as I left the room, I made my way to the Great Hall, filled with nervous anticipation.

It looked like Severus' worst nightmare, I thought as I gazed around me. The long refectory tables were gone for the evening, replaced by a multitude of small round ones bedecked in pink tablecloths. The chairs were pink velvet and gilt. Large pink and silver balloons tied with silver string festooned every table, and crystal bowls of sweet marshmallows and sherbets were placed on each one. The light was provided by hundreds of pink candles and, looking up, I could see that the ceiling was covered in plump little cherubs who were busily shooting golden arrows back and to.

Zonko's Everlasting Bubbles fell from the ceiling and were kicked about underfoot as they bounced in the ankle-deep pink swirling mist, which obscured the floor.

"Good grief, I'm walking through a swamp of candy-floss!" I thought distastefully. I stamped on a few of the bubbles, and noticed with some satisfaction that they did not live up to their name.

Sybill Trelawney wafted past me in a haze of lavender, and peered at me owlishly.

"This is the night where your dreams will come true..." she said portentously.

"Oh, great, I can't wait!" I thought ironically, scowling at her retreating form as she drifted along with a tinkling of silver bells. "She's sewn bells on to her shawl!" I thought in disbelief.

Hermione waved me over to our table, where Remus, Harry and Ginny, Parvati and Ron, and Sirius greeted me. Sirius stared as I approached, and I noticed to my surprise that he had eschewed his dress robes in favour of muggle dress. He wore tight black leather trousers and a crisp white linen shirt with a loosely knotted black tie. His long, glossy black hair was tied into a ponytail with a leather thong. I had to admit, he looked amazing, and the look in his eyes told me he was quite impressed with me, too. He pulled out a chair for me and as I sat down said,

"No Severus tonight, Ella?"

"I don't think so," I said casually, my heart lurching at the sound of his name. "This isn't really his type of thing!"

"Hah! That's the understatement of the year!" he replied. "But still, I'd have thought he'd make the effort...for you..."

I wasn't in the least bit hungry. I kept picking at my food, pushing the heart-shaped potatoes and asparagus tips around my plate, more interested in watching for Severus' entrance. I wondered what he was doing, and I wished I'd worn the emerald pendant. It was in his bedroom, on the dresser. I wondered if he knew, and realised that if he did he would probably be taking advantage of the opportunity I had given him, standing over his cauldron at that very moment, brewing up goodness knew what vile concoction, and wishing me ill. I shivered, both longing and dreading to see him.

Hermione kept looking at me strangely, too, and whispered to Remus furtively. I glared at her, wondering how much she knew about the plot, and when Sirius offered me another glass of effervescent pink champagne I took it eagerly.

I looked around the room for Madam Pomfrey and sure enough, there she was, with Madam Pince and Professor Flitwick. The latter two were engaged in animated conversation, but she was watching me, a slight frown on her face as I drained my glass. I was beginning to believe that the entire faculty was in on the plot to help rid Severus Snape of his unwanted child. I looked up to see Sirius gazing at me intently. Well, perhaps not the entire faculty, I thought. There was no way Sirius and Severus would ever willingly be on the same side, save for against Voldemort.

I smiled softly and said to him,

"You're staring!"

He laughed, embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, Ella, I don't mean to. But- well, you do look lovely tonight!"

I felt a blush creep from my cheeks and down my neck, and watched his eyes as they followed it.

All the plates were magically cleared away, and Dumbledore clapped his hands to signal the start of the dancing. Hermione, as Head Girl, was expected to open the dancing, and so, squeezing Remus' hand under the table with a glowing smile, she stood up, taking the hand of Ernie Macmillan, Hufflepuff's Head Boy. Remus looked after her, longingly, as she walked to the middle of the room.

After a while, other couples began to join in the waltz, and Sirius turned to me and said,

"Shall we?"

"I don't know, I haven't danced in years!"

"That dress was made for dancing," he insisted, his hand outstretched, "And so were you!"

Blushing again, I let him lead me by the hand on to the dance floor. Still holding my hand, he placed his other hand on my hip and I put mine on his shoulder as he drew me closer to him. His shoulders were broader than Severus', but apart from that they were of roughly the same build and height. I felt a slight stirring of desire deep inside me, and flushed, not knowing whether I desired Sirius for himself or simply because I had been reminded of Severus and the closeness I was missing.

I put it out of my mind and tried to concentrate on what my feet were doing, and I was soon able to relax as my body remembered how to waltz. Sirius was an excellent dancer, and he began to sweep me around the dance floor with abandon, making me giddy and breathless with laughter. Another waltz followed, and we stayed on the floor. As he span me round, my dress circling out around me, I caught a glimpse of something black and brooding standing alone by the wall. Severus.

I turned my head to look at him. He was white-faced, his jaw clenched, his eyes two pieces of coal, burning with jealousy. The music changed to a tango rhythm, and Sirius, who did not appear to have seen his rival, or noticed me stiffen in his arms, laughed exuberantly and said,

"Ah! A tango! Let's see if I can remember how..." bending me back and pulling me up to him again, his hand reaching down to my rear as he pretended to kiss my neck.

In an instant Severus was behind him growling in a low voice,

"Take your hands off her, Black!"

"Oh, hello Severus, so glad you decided to join us, but you know, this isn't a gentleman's excuse me, so if you don't mind-"

"I said get your filthy hands off her!" Two red spots blazed in Severus' cheeks. He was white with rage.

"Severus, we were just dancing!"

He snapped his head round to fix me with a white-hot glare.

"I saw what you were doing! Come with me. NOW!"

His breath reeked of whisky and he grabbed my arm roughly.

"But I want to stay. I want to dance with you!"

His lip curled and he sneered, "I don't dance! Now do as I say, we're going!"

"She doesn't want to! Now bugger off, Banquo!"

Incandescent with pent-up rage, Severus drew his wand.

"Severus, NO!" I screamed, but luckily at that moment Hermione came up behind him and plucked it from his hand. He opened his mouth, ready to let loose a stream of invective, but thought better of it and instead drew back his hand and punched Sirius with all his strength. Sirius staggered backwards and fell on to the floor, where he stayed, glaring at Severus, wiping his bloodied nose on the back of his hand. At that moment, the Headmaster came up behind me and said,

"Professor Snape, in my office please. And you too, Miss Redemte."

Sneering at Sirius with hatred on his face, Severus swept out of the Great Hall, stunned students scattering before him. Fighting back my tears, I followed with Dumbledore.

"Would you like to explain yourself, Severus?" Dumbledore asked in a mild tone that belied the anger in his pale blue eyes. "Assaulting a fellow teacher in a room full of students is not what I consider to be acceptable behaviour. Do I have to ask you to take a sabbatical?"

"Black started it!" snarled Severus, arms folded as he glowered out into the darkness beyond the window.

"It's my fault, Headmaster," I said tremulously. "I should leave. I- I want to leave. Severus and I have been having problems recently-" I faltered as he turned to look at me incredulously- "and I need to get away for a while."

My heart ached when I saw the disbelief and bewilderment on Severus' face.

"What?" was all that he could say.

"We row all the time, you drink too much-"

"You've been driving me to it recently, woman!"

"You're so withdrawn and secretive - "

"You're the one that can't bear to share my bed any more!"

"And you wonder why!"

"Yes, I bloody well do wonder why! Tell me why!"

"You know why."

"Oh, this is ridiculous!" he spat bitterly, turning back to the window.

Dumbledore sighed, and then looked at me thoughtfully.

"Are you sure that leaving here is what you want?" he asked quietly. I nodded, stifling a sob as I saw Severus' fists clench at his sides. "Where will you go?"

"Beauxbatons" I said. "Severus, don't try to follow me."

"Hah!" he ejaculated in a strangled tone. "You flatter yourself! You have such a high opinion of yourself, don't you? Now, if you'll excuse me - I don't want to listen to this any more," and, taking a pinch of Floo powder from the tin on Dumbledore's mantelpiece, he muttered "Dungeons!" With a last bitter glance at me, his mouth twisting, he was gone.

I took a deep, shuddering breath and sank into a chair. Dumbledore turned to me and said,

"Ella, is there anything at all that you would like to explain to me?"

I shook my head dumbly.

"Very well," he said heavily, after a long pause. "It's getting late. I will have Hagrid take you to Hogsmeade in the morning. For now, I suggest you go back to your rooms and get some rest. Think carefully about the consequences of your actions. And sleep on things. Running does not help, if we cannot escape that from which we run. Sometimes we must confront it."

I stood up, brushing tears from my eyes with the back of my hand.

"And, ah, will you be making your peace with Professor Snape before you go?"

I shook my head vigorously.

"I daren't," I said truthfully.

"Well then, so be it."

I lay on my bed clutching my pillow to me. I truly didn't dare see Severus before I left. I was afraid of his wrath, afraid he would kill me with his words. Afraid he would make a last-ditch attempt to harm my baby. His baby. Afraid to see the pain and the hurt in his face and know that I was the cause. And afraid that he would be able to persuade me I was wrong and that it was all in my mind.

And was I wrong? Could it all be in my head? Before I could consider that possibility there was a soft knock at my door. It was Hermione.

"Ella, what on earth's going on? And why's your bag packed?"

"I'm leaving."

"You can't! Why? Have you told him? Is that what this is all about? Oh, Ella, please, you can both work this out, surely?"

I looked at her narrowly. She was in on it too, I knew suddenly. Why else would she have come? Why else would she be desperate for me to stay?

Playing it cool, I replied,

"We're at each other's throats all the time, Hermione."

"Look, I went to see Professor Snape just now."

"Why did you do that?" I asked suspiciously.

"I went with Remus, he was worried about him. At first he wouldn't let us in, he's very upset, but when he did he gave me this for you, will you take it with you? "

She handed me the black lacquered box. I took it from her, my hand shaking, and thanked her grudgingly. "How was he?" I asked, unable to stop myself.

She gave me a look that said, "What do you think?"

"Look, I know what I'm doing, Hermione," I said coldly. "Now, if you'll excuse me..."

Puzzled hurt in her eyes at my brusque dismissal of her, she left, and I was alone again. Tomorrow, I thought. Tomorrow my baby will be safe. Even if it means never seeing Hogwarts, or Severus, again, it'll be worth it. I kept telling myself that, over and over, as I packed.

The next morning I was ready early. I sat on my bed, my bag packed beside me, and waited for Hagrid. The black lacquered box was on my dresser and I stared at it pensively. I couldn't decide whether or not I should take it with me. I didn't think I had the right, but on the other hand, he had given it to Hermione for me. At last there came a knock at the door. It was Hagrid, come to tell me the carriage was waiting. He lifted my bag from the bed and said in a gruff voice,

"Yer ready then?"

I took a deep breath and stood up.

"Let's go." I took a last look around my room, my heart aching as I remembered all the happy memories I had. As I moved to leave, my eyes alighted on the dresser once more.

"Wait a minute!" I decided, and went over to the dresser to pick up the box. Try as I might not to love him, I couldn't let go. Not completely. Not yet.