Snape In Love

Chapter 22

Even Darkness Is Better This Way

Half an hour later we were walking out on to the front lawn, which was a foot deep in snow. Severus wore a dark grey woollen coat with black fingerless gloves against the cold. My winter cloak was of midnight blue, and Severus had made me wear his old house scarf, since my Ravenclaw one had been lost years before, and he looked far too smug as he adjusted it around my neck. It seemed to be a piece of living history, chronicling Severus´ path through school from novice Potions student to expert Professor, as it was peppered with small round acid-burn holes, and covered in mysteriously coloured stains after whose provenance I thought it best not to enquire.

Severus frowned as Remus greeted me enthusiastically, and he glared at Sirius as he swept me off my feet and planted a kiss on my cheek. We soon split into two teams, one of them comprising me, Severus, Remus and Dumbledore, and the other Sirius, Harry, Ginny and Ron Weasley. These latter two had preferred to spend the holidays at Hogwarts while their parents went to Romania. Ron had N.E.W.T.S to study for, while Ginny still cried every time she thought about her boyfriend´s latest encounter with Voldemort.

Severus took it all very seriously, and Remus and I had to try to ensure that the friendly snowball fight didn´t turn into a vicious duel between Severus and Sirius. It came as a relief when, after a while, we saw the familiar figure of Hagrid approaching, Fang panting at his side, their breath rising then slowly dissipating in the icy air. Hagrid was pulling behind him a large wooden sled, on which huddled a small figure wrapped in a huge bearskin blanket. The figure waved as it came closer, and Harry, Ron and Remus all shouted,

"Hermione!"

Remus laughed nervously, and then, as the other two looked at him, making no move and thereby tacitly giving him their permission, he broke into a loping run and was soon helping Hermione off the sled. We turned to Hagrid, who was saying.

"Look who I found comin´ up from the village!" and tried not to look as Hermione put her arms around Remus´ neck and kissed him ardently. Shortly, they approached the rest of us, arm in arm, smiling happily. I gave Severus a knowing look and slid my arm around his waist. He hugged me briefly, one arm staying firmly round my shoulders as we trudged through the snow to greet Hermione.

"What are you doing here?" Remus asked.

"Well, I spent a few days at home, but then this morning, after we´d all opened our presents, I decided I missed everyone here too much! So, I came back a few days early," she blushed.

Leaving our wet, snow-covered cloaks melting and steaming by the fire in the entrance hall, we all entered the Great Hall for dinner. Since there were so few of us, most of the staff and students having gone to spend Christmas elsewhere, the house elves had set a long table halfway down the room, next to the huge open fire which blazed and crackled merrily.

Severus refused to wear the ridiculous pink ostrich- feathered hat which came from his exploding cracker, but he spent several minutes adjusting my rather fetching lime green tiara until he was satisfied that it was shown off to its best effect. I got the distinct impression that he was simply enjoying having an excuse to run his long fingers through my hair, and when he had finished, I turned to him, putting my hand on his shoulder, and kissed him lightly.

"Merry Christmas."

"Yes, it is," he said simply, piercing me with his eyes and sending a shiver down my spine.

"Oh, Severus, I´m running a bit low on the Wolfsbane potion, can I pop down with you later and get some?" Remus asked. Severus nodded at him curtly, saying,

"Yes, and I must start to brew some more."

The banquet was wonderful. There were meats, vegetables and accompaniments of every sort, and I was grateful that the potion I had taken earlier had settled my stomach sufficiently to allow me to do justice to the feast.

Then, after we had finished our meal, Hermione leaned across the table to me and said conspiratorially,

"Ella, can I talk to you?"

"Yes, of course. Let´s go to my rooms," I replied, and turning to Severus I said, "I´ll see you later."

Giving Hermione a quick, stern glance, he nodded and put my hand to his lips as I got up to leave.

As soon as we were in the entrance hall and out of earshot, Hermione turned to me and said,

"Ella, he is so attentive to you, isn´t he? I never would have believed it of him, you know, it´s all so romantic! He knows, doesn´t he?"

"Er...no, not yet. I tried telling him, sort of, but the time´s never been quite right."

"You´re putting it off on purpose, aren´t you? What on earth for?"

"You´ve seen how he is with me, you shouldn´t need to ask. Today´s been so perfect, I don´t want it ever to end!"

We walked the rest of the way in silence. As soon as the door to my room was shut behind us, Hermione turned to me and said,

"I came back to see Remus."

"I gathered that!"

"I´m going to- well, I want to-"

"Sleep with him?"

She flushed and nodded, looking at me, anxiously seeking my approval.

"Does your mum know about him?"

"No!"

"Hermione, he´s a teacher, you´re a student..."

"And it isn´t term time, is it, and he never teaches me, so technically he isn´t, and I´m not-"

"Technically, maybe, but..."

"You of all people should understand how I feel!"

"Oh, I do! I´m sorry. I do understand, it´s just that once you take that step, there´ll be no going back. You won´t be able to help yourself. You´ll have to be very careful, Hermione."

"I know. But I love him."

"Does he know yet? Why you came back, I mean?"

"No. But he´d better not turn me away!" she said, tossing her hair.

"Hah! I don´t think he´d dare!"

When I got back to the dungeons, Severus was at the far end of his classroom standing over a huge cauldron full of steam and foul smelling grey liquid.

"Ugh, what´s that?" I said, wrinkling my nose as I approached. "And why do you have to do it on Christmas Day?"

"It´s Lupin´s potion. I should have brewed more sooner, but...well, events rather overtook me," he said dryly. "So, what took you so long?" he added peevishly.

"Hermione and I had a lot to discuss," I shrugged.

"Hmm. I hope Lupin doesn´t put her off her studies too much."

"Like I´ve put you off your work?" I smiled, reaching up to brush a stray lock of hair from his face.

"Exactly..." he murmured, staring at me intently as he took my hand in his and kissed my palm, then my wrist, never taking his eyes from mine. I shivered, and led him into his office then, through to the bedroom beyond. We put him off his work more then, until deep into the night.

Later that same night my nightmares started.

I dreamed of Severus brewing an evil-smelling potion while Voldemort stood at his side, laughing horribly while the cauldron bubbled and spat. In my dream Severus was taller, and thinner, and he loomed over me with an evil rictus disfiguring his face. I started to scream and couldn´t stop, and I woke to find him holding my shoulders as I thrashed around in our bed, concern written all over his sleep-muzzed face.

"Ella! Ella, wake up!" he urged. "Hey, stop it! It was just a dream! It was a dream! I´m here, calm down! Lumos!"

My chest heaving, I looked deep into his eyes and found no trace of the man from my nightmare. There was only concern, and reflected candlelight. Shuddering, I reached for him, and he cradled me in his arms until I calmed myself, stroking my shoulders gently.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" he asked quietly after a while.

"You. And Voldemort. Brewing something. You were- evil."

He grimaced, and sighed heavily.

"It´ll take you a while to get over what happened, I suppose. And Lupin´s potion last night probably brought it all back for you... I´m sorry."

"Is it morning yet?" I asked, suddenly feeling my gorge rising so that I strongly suspected what his answer would be.

"It´s around six. Why?"

"Excuse me..." I muttered, pushing myself out of his arms and rushing into the bathroom

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And so it went on. Over the next few nights I had more nightmares, each one more detailed than the last. In my sleep, I was twenty years old once again, watching helplessly as Phoebe died, sitting with my parents as they took their own dying breaths, witnessing the full horror of it first hand, instead of finding out hours later from the national news on a television in a bar two hundred miles away.

In my dreams I would look up from little Phoebe´s face to find not my parents cradling her in their arms, but Severus and Voldemort. Voldemort would throw back his head and laugh, Severus would stare at me with the same cold, dead eyes I still remembered so well from the evening he had taken the anti-arousal potion the previous year. Only when I began to scream uncontrollably would he start to laugh, and then all that I could do was scream even more.

So, as time passed I found it more and more difficult to look Severus in the eye afterwards. I was increasingly afraid of what I might see there.

I distanced myself from Severus both consciously and unconsciously. Having become used to waking up nestled in his arms, I now found that I awoke curled up on the very edge of the bed, while he reached across it in his sleep to my empty pillow. At first I told myself that it was so that I could run for the bathroom without disturbing him, but I came to realise that I was in fact doing it in order to protect my baby from him.

And in the mornings, he was usually asleep while I was in the bathroom. I managed to disguise the nausea well otherwise. He didn´t show any signs of suspicion whatsoever, and I felt alternately annoyed at his apparent blindness or, more frequently as time went on, suspicious that his behaviour was all a pretence.

During the day, I was all right, at first. I loved him, and we carried on as normal, making love, talking, enjoying just being together. But as his baby grew inside me, so too did my fears.

Severus was spending a good deal of time brewing potions. He told me that it was because stocks had to be replenished for the start of the spring term, and also for Lupin. However, I would watch him sometimes, using his gift to me, and he would be so engrossed in his work, and so intense, that I was able easily to convince myself that he must be up to something. I even started to believe that the emerald had been a ruse, to confuse me and convince me he had nothing to hide so that he could carry out his plan under my very nose.

Now, looking back, it´s frightening to remember how quickly things changed for me. I had very soon convinced myself that Severus knew all about the baby and was biding his time while he decided what to do about it.

I told no one of my fears, there was nobody I felt I could confide in. How could I? They would have tried to put my mind at rest, tell me it was all because of my hormones, and I didn´t want to hear it. I sometimes felt that I´d like to tell Hermione, but every time we were together she was so full of herself, so happy about her burgeoning relationship with Remus, that I didn´t have the heart to worry her and put a damper on things. So instead, I worried and brooded, and let myself jeopardise the one thing that had made my life meaningful. My relationship with Severus.