Snape In Love

Chapter 33

After All This Time

Mealtimes were the worst.

I had resumed my old position at the staff table, next to Madam Pince. I would try to slip in and out of the Great Hall as unobtrusively as possible, through a side door behind my seat. However well my robes disguised the swelling of my stomach, I was still concerned that one of the more eagle-eyed students would notice.

To see Severus so regularly, and not be able to speak to him, was torture. We were returned to that state of communication that had been so very bittersweet eighteen months before, when we would gaze at one another longingly across the room. There was nothing bittersweet about it now, since I felt too anxious and frustrated to readily see promise of fulfilment, and since the gazes were turned to glowers. Severus appeared implacable, although I knew him well enough to realise that he was struggling to hide his emotions just as I was.

I was convinced that he was testing my resolve in some way, making sure I was not going to let him down again. I knew how hard he found it to trust anyone, and I had broken his trust in the worst way possible. Far from hoping to drive me away with his behaviour, I strongly believed that he was desperate for me to prove my love, by enduring his coldness.

I marvelled at the man´s determination, for surely he knew he was playing a dangerous game. I wondered how scared he was that it would backfire, and I would leave once more.

So, I still made sure I was there in the Great Hall at every single mealtime, as did he, three times a day, although my appetite for both food and company was limited. I would not hide from him. I wanted to be a thorn in his side, and I knew he wanted me to be such. Eventually he would have to relent and trust me again.

Unfortunately for me, his will appeared to be as strong as mine, and after three weeks I decided I would have to take matters into my own hands. I had grown tired of pacing the less - used corridors on my own so as not to draw attention to myself. I had grown tired of seeing him in the distance, catching sight of me and turning on his heel. I had grown tired of stilted conversations about nothing on the rare occasions where circumstances forced us into the same company. I didn´t even dare spend too much time with Sirius, who had proved to be such a true friend, for fear of Severus finding out and being further antagonised.

One morning Severus and I arrived in the entrance hall ready to go in to breakfast at the same time. I had just taken my habitual short cut across the grounds, entering through the main doors, and Severus was emerging from the staircase to the dungeons. He slowed to a halt when he saw me, and stared at me impassively. My legs felt like jelly but I managed to keep moving, saying softly,

"Good morning, Severus," as I drew level with him. He stood for a few long moments as my step faltered, and then, enunciating carefully in a low voice, replied

"Good morning...Miss Redemte," his deliberately exaggerated formality challenging me to continue what passed for conversation between us these days. He lifted his eyebrows, his expression saying a disdainful "Well?"

I desperately wanted to reach out to him and wipe the look of disdain from his face with an ardent declaration of my love, but I knew it was neither the time nor the place, since students were likely to come upon us at any moment. He knew it too, I believed, and had therefore decided purposely to try to provoke a reaction from me. Tears of frustration pricking behind my eyes, I lowered my gaze and hurried into the Great Hall, trying to keep my expression neutral as I took my place. After a few minutes he too came in, sweeping down the centre aisle, looking to neither left nor right, his robes billowing out in his wake. I watched him miserably, unable to look anywhere else. He sat down on the opposite wing of the staff table and glanced at me briefly. I caught a glimpse of something in his eyes, but could not tell whether it was triumph or relief.

Later that day when I went to see Madam Pomfrey for an antenatal check, I voiced my frustrations to her.

"He addressed me by my surname this morning, Madam Pomfrey!" I complained as I lay down and she passed her wand over my abdomen. "He knows there´s no justification for such formality. He treated me as if I were a stranger! He´s playing games with me."

"What do you mean, dear? I thought he was taking all of this rather seriously."

"He´s deliberately shutting me out!"

"For goodness' sake, Ella, he feels he's entitled!" she scolded. "You hurt him very, very deeply. He needs time! He's giving you a taste of your own medicine! And I would hardly call it a game, you know as well as I do that he´d never be so casual!"

"I couldn't help the way I was!"

"And nor can he, now! He needs to know you won't hurt him again if he lets his guard down. He's testing you!"

"I know he is...but it's so hard, seeing him like this! I wish I could make him understand. He´s suffered so much. And I don't even know how he feels about the baby!"

"If it´s any consolation, he comes here every time you have a check. He always comes, to ask how you are."

"Really?"

"Really. But I didn't tell you that!" she warned sternly. "Just give him reason to trust you again. Stick it out. That's all you need to do. You already have the rest."

Watching him in the emerald, which I knew he knew I never took off, I rarely caught him in an unguarded moment. When I did, it was always when he was absorbed in looking at the sculpture. I wished I could have found a way to make the enchantment change over time, so that he could see me swell and bloom, but the charm could not do that. There, we were trapped in one perfect moment of time, and he replayed it over and over as if he was trying to bring it back.

He was looking far better than he had on my return, I knew. His eyes were no longer so sunken and bitter, being simply watchful, guarded and cold now. His hair was not so lank, his manner not so wild. In class he was icy calm, contemptuous, cruel, but consistently so, so that his students, while dreading his classes, at least knew what to expect when they entered his classroom, and prepared themselves accordingly.

I longed to spend time with him. I daydreamed constantly. I felt empty. Unfulfilled. Frustrated. I wanted to go to him and beg him just to hold me. I thought up scenario after scenario in my head, ways to engineer `accidental´ meetings, playing out imaginary dialogues in my head, conversations that led invariably to his crushing me to him in a desperate, passionate embrace. I drove myself mad with longing for him. I even toyed with the idea of trying to seduce him, just for the physical release I craved, with no strings. But I was scared that he´d turn me away and make me suffer for even longer, and that I would end up in a more untenable position than I was in already. After three weeks, however, the risk seemed more and more worth the taking.

*****************************************************

I awoke and put on my cloak. Barefoot, I slipped out of my room and padded silently along the endless dark corridors that led to Severus. I ran on and on, the darkness never lifting, but thickening behind me like an inferno rushing along a tunnel, blasting me ahead of it until at last I arrived at his classroom door. The door swung open ahead of me and I stepped inside. Light streamed in from the three arched windows, sparkling dust motes surrounding a tall black-robed figure, silhouetted and still.

I could not take my eyes off the figure and felt myself inexorably drawn to it, past the rows of students who stared at me open-mouthed.

"Class dismissed!" his velvet voice called, although his lips did not move. I did not notice the students leave, but the next instant they were gone all the same.

I approached him and shrugged off my cloak, revealing my thin chemise underneath. The air was chilly, the early summer sunshine never managing to warm this particular classroom, and my nipples, enlarged already by both pregnancy and desire, stood erect and were clearly visible as they strained against the thin silk. I was exquisitely aware of every sensation, the cool stone under my feet, the breeze from the opened window as it ruffled my hair, the faintly sulphurous smell of the cauldrons, the familiar, intoxicating scent of Severus, inches away from me as I stood before him, gazing into his fathomless eyes, falling into them, drowning, wanting him.

"Severus..." I breathed, "I can´t take any more of this. I want you."

Wordlessly he bent, and lifted my skirt, straightening up again as I raised my arm to let him pull it over my head. I was naked now, and I let him drink in the sight of me. His hands explored me and my body tingled, screaming out for him. I wound my arms around his neck, tangling my fingers in his long silky hair, pulling his head down to mine.

We kissed and my world exploded. I felt his arousal against my swollen belly and I wished I were able to press my hips against his. He led me into his office and thence to the bedroom - -our bedroom - where a huge fire crackled in the grate. He pushed me down on to my knees on the rug, and breathed my name. Kneeling behind me, he parted my legs with his hands and entered me, making me groan with pleasure. It had been so long, and to feel him fill me completely was enough to bring my passion close to its peak. He withdrew nearly all the way and I moaned, my hips trying to make him do it again. With one hand supporting his weight as he leant over me, panting hot breath on to my back, his other hand reached underneath to caress my breasts, which hung heavily down to the rug. As we moved together the fur stroked my nipples, so sensitive already, so that when he began to roll one between his thumb and forefinger I screamed out in delight. I climbed higher and higher, shouting his name, until suddenly I was nearly there, nearly climaxing, and then I woke, crying out "Severus! Severus!" to find myself in bed, in darkness. Alone. Crying tears of frustration I touched myself then, repeating his name over and over and imagining that his fingers were caressing me until I was shuddering with my release.

I couldn´t go on like that. I felt so frustrated, and it wasn´t just about the lovemaking. I wanted to hold him, and to be held. To stroke his hair, gaze into his eyes. To know how much he was hurting and how unwilling he was for me to comfort him and make amends distressed me greatly, and I so wanted him to share in the joy I felt each time our baby moved within me. I was only too well aware that I didn´t even know how he felt about his impending fatherhood, or how big a role he wanted to play in the baby´s life. Whether or not we could be a family. I knew he had a strong sense of responsibility, and would surely be desperate to fulfil his obligations, I just wished he felt ready to do that sooner rather than later, since only a few more weeks of my pregnancy remained for him to share.

I lay in bed watching the sunrise, thinking over all that we had been to each other, until a sharp rap on the door startled me, and I leapt out of bed, convinced it was Severus. I opened the door to see Sirius standing there.

"Oh, hi, come in," I said, crestfallen.

"You were expecting someone else?" he asked, hugging me. I nodded mournfully.

"I can´t stand much more of this," I said, crossing the room to put on my dressing gown.

"Well, something´s got to give," he answered, looking me up and down. "You can´t disguise that any more!"

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My nightdress was stretched across my stomach and I knew that my robes would very soon be a useless disguise. Sirius laughed at me, saying,

"No, Ella, it´s not just that! It´s the way you walked across the room just now! You´re waddling, it´s unmistakeable!"

"Am I?"

"Look for yourself!" he smiled, one leg slung over the arm of the chair into which he had flopped on entering.

I looked at my reflection and walked up and down in front of the mirror. It was true.

"Well, that´s it then," I said. "I´m not going to live like a complete hermit, so I´ll have to force him to talk to me. He can´t send me away, not now everybody knows I´m here. Can he?"

"No. We won´t let him. And I´m sure he wants you where Poppy can keep an eye on you. Look, don´t worry so much, it´s not good for you!"

He stood up then, stretching, and continuing,

"I´d better go, show my face at breakfast. It wouldn´t do for us both to arrive late."

"Oh, I´ll be along too, in a few minutes. But can you ask him to come and see me?"

"I can ask..." he looked anxiously at me, "...but I think you´ll need to ask him yourself."

I watched Severus at breakfast. He had obviously been wondering where I was, and when Sirius gave him my message he scowled at him unpleasantly, knowing Sirius had been to see me. However, he headed straight down to the dungeons. He clearly had no intention of coming to see me, even though I knew he had a free period. Returning to my room, I sat on my bed and watched him, poring over the emerald closely. He went directly to his bedroom and took the sculpture from the mantelpiece, placing it on the table, animating it, sitting forward in his chair as he watched it. I had seen him do this countless times before and while I saw it for what it was, an affirmation that he still loved me, I wished he would not use it as a substitute, to avoid needing to confront me in person.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," I thought to myself as his baby shifted inside me, unsure, however, of what I ought to do. I brooded about it all day and came to the conclusion that I had to stop simply daydreaming and actually engineer a situation in which he was forced to talk to me. The following day, however, something happened which, although humiliating in the extreme at the time, actually made it far easier for me to assert myself.

The owl post arrived at breakfast the next morning and as usual the room resounded with the sound of beating wings and loud thuds as copy after copy of the Daily Prophet landed in front of eager students and staff alike. I did not subscribe myself, choosing to read the library copy on the rare occasion that I bothered at all. The chatter died down as the students pored over its pages, and I made a half-hearted attempt to eat some toast, watching Severus out of the corner of my eye.

Eventually the noise level rose again and the atmosphere in the Hall became quite excited. I looked around and felt suddenly exposed, and vulnerable. Many of the students, most of them, in fact, were staring at me with great interest and whispering amongst themselves. I looked across to see Sirius grimly handing his copy of the newspaper to a suspicious Severus, who snatched it from him and then blanched as he read. He raised eyes full of disbelieving fury to meet mine, and he stood, his lips curling into a sneer, glowering at everyone before sweeping out through the door behind his chair.

Madam Pince handed me her copy, and said to me kindly,

"I think you'd better read this, Ella. You're headline news!"

The paper was open at page five, traditionally the gossip column. My head reeled as I read the words that had shocked the whole school.

"The Daily Prophet can exclusively reveal that the special relationship Professor Severus Snape, of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, formed with Miss Ella Redemte, ex-Hogwarts student and world traveller, has ended, despite, or perhaps because of, the fact that she is pregnant with his first child. The erstwhile Death Eater has made few friends since beginning his tenure as potions master, and his legendary sour temper has obviously proved too great a challenge for Miss Redemte, who appears unable to stick at anything for very long. However, she has recently returned to Hogwarts from a long holiday in France, courtesy of Beauxbatons Academy, and this reporter awaits further developments with interest."

"Oh my God..." I said faintly, understanding Severus' reaction now, and highly relieved that Sirius' name had not been mentioned in the report.

Madam Pince put her hand on my arm comfortingly as Professor Dumbledore approached.

"Ella, would you like to join me in the staff room for an ad-hoc meeting with the heads of houses?"

I nodded dumbly and pushed back my chair, leaving the Hall as quickly as was feasible without running, and holding my head as high as I could.

My heart lurched when I entered the staff room and found Severus already there. Professors McGonagall, Sprout and Flitwick were seated around the fire; Severus stood to one side of it, his arms folded. He glared at me with ill-disguised fury as I crossed to the only empty chair there. His chair. I hesitated and met his wrathful gaze enquiringly, steeling myself against his intimidation of me. He lifted an eyebrow, looked down at my swelling stomach, and turned his back on me. Appreciating his tacit permission, chivalrous despite the chasm between us, I sank into his chair and gripped the arms tightly, staring at the hem of his robes until the Headmaster entered the room.

"This is not exactly the outcome for which I had hoped, Severus," he said calmly, looking over the top of his spectacles.

"While I, on the other hand, am ecstatic at this latest turn of events!" scowled Severus, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Tell me," he continued, turning on me, "what other little revelations can we expect from Rita Skeeter?"

"How should I know? I've never even met her!" I objected tremulously, shrinking from his piercing glare. Disbelieving, his gaze never wavered as he asked coldly,

"Are you sure?"

"I think Ella would remember if she had, Severus!" Professor McGonagall said tartly, earning a sharp look in return. "The point is, Albus, what line should we take with the students? And the board of governors?"

"Leave the governors to me," the Headmaster replied calmly. "As heads of houses I expect you to field any questions from your students with tact and discretion,"

"Hah!" expostulated Severus.

" - I appreciate, Severus, that in many ways you will find this difficult, nevertheless I expect your professionalism to win through," Dumbledore continued pointedly. "As for how Ms Skeeter obtained her information - I do not see anything to be gained by pointing the finger of blame at any one individual. I am quite sure her scoop did not come from Ella, it would not be in her best interests to compromise her position here, Severus. She no doubt culled her information from many sources. A few lucky guesses and the right questions asked would give her an accurate enough story."

Severus stood with his arms folded, glaring across the room.

"Will that be all, Headmaster?" he asked in a low voice.

Dumbledore looked across to me, then at Severus again.

"I believe so, for the moment."

With a last bitter glance at me, Severus swept past my chair, his robes swishing against my legs as he went. Once more I dug my nails in to the arms of the chair, in order to prevent myself grabbing at them as he passed and begging him to look at me once more with the love I knew he still felt. He slammed the staff room door behind him, and I, summoning all my courage, rose to follow him.

By the time I had opened the door he was halfway down the corridor. I took a few steps, letting the door swing shut behind me, and shouted,

"Severus!"

He stopped, his billowing robes deflating around him, diminishing him, shrinking him to the size of a man.

"Severus! Dumbledore was right, I had nothing to do with the article, I swear! Talk to me, please?" I pleaded again, and his fists clenched at his sides. He strode on, turned abruptly into a side corridor, affording me a glimpse of his face, firmly set, and then he was gone.

"Oh, what do I have to do to get through to you?" I thought wearily as I sank against the wall. I was in no state to follow him, so I resolved there and then that the next time I saw him, I would compel him to follow me.