Snape In Love

Chapter 31

My Soul Is Crying

"Shall I go and get him?" asked Sirius.

I nodded apprehensively, clutching the emerald as it lay at my chest on its long gold chain. Sirius went over to the huge inglenook fireplace, took a pinch of Floo powder from the pewter bowl on the mantel, and threw it into the grate, shouting

"Severus Snape!"

Just out of view a head appeared, spinning in the flames. When the whizzing sound stopped and it came to a halt I heard Severus sneer coldly, with hatred in his voice,

"What in Hell do you want?"

"I want you to come to the kitchens."

"It´s the middle of the night, Black. Whyever would I want to do that?"

"There´s someone here I think you need to see." He paused, and then said gruffly, "I´ve brought her back, Snape."

There was silence as the two men glared at one another, and then Sirius turned to me and said,

"I think he´s on his way. It´ll be best if I´m not here."

He hunkered down next to me and put his hand on my arm, looking into my eyes with concern.

"Good luck, Ella. Make him realise how lucky he is."

After he had gone, I sat staring in front of me, nursing my mug of coffee and trying to remember how to breathe. Then I stared at the fireplace, expecting his tall, brooding, overwhelming presence to fill the room at any moment, but he did not come, and I realised he probably preferred to walk, to allow himself to calm his mind. Or perhaps he was playing games, allowing me to lose my mind in the agony of waiting. The thought sent a chill through me, and although I was desperate to see him again, I could not fool myself that he would allow me simply to run into his welcoming arms.

Before too long, however, the door at the far end of the kitchen, round the corner and out of view, slammed back against the wall as it was thrown open. My heart pounding in my chest, I tensed as I heard slow, deliberate footsteps approach, and as he came in to view I looked up.

He looked far worse than I had been able to tell through the emerald, and my shock must have shown in my face because he stopped in his tracks, giving a hollow laugh, and snarled venomously,

"So you´ve come crawling back. What´s the matter, were you expecting someone different?"

He was painfully thin, sallow and hollow-cheeked, with dark shadows under his eyes. He hadn´t shaved for several days, nor had he washed his hair. It was lank and greasy, and he made no effort to brush it from his face, peering at me through the stray locks with eyes hooded and dulled by firewhisky and lack of sleep. Despite this, his presence was overwhelming and I felt the familiar magnetic pull of him, as if my soul was standing up and racing to his side to be reunited at last with his. Remaining in my seat, I simply said softly,

"Severus, you look terrible!"

He looked at me witheringly and said,

"Well? What do you want? And where´s your boyfriend gone?"

"Sirius was never my boyfriend, Severus. Please, come and sit down."

He didn´t move, at first. He just stood there, his eyes, icy shards of pain and distrust thinly disguised as hatred, boring into me. I held his gaze, unwaveringly, beseechingly. Eventually he began to advance slowly towards me, along the centre aisle.

"I need to talk to you. There are things I need to tell you," I implored.

"Ah, but what makes you think I need to hear them? Or want to?"

While speaking these words, he roughly pulled out the chair opposite mine and sat in it heavily, dragging it back up to the table with a loud scrape. I breathed a silent sigh of relief that we had even got this far, and wondered how receptive he would be to what I had to say. Tenting his long fingers in front of him, he stared at me calculatingly and said,

"Well? I´m waiting. This had better be good!"

Trying not to wilt under his baleful gaze, I swallowed hard, collected my thoughts and began tentatively,

"When I left you, Severus, in February, I was ill. Mentally ill, I mean. I´m better now."

His eyes narrowed and he snarled,

"Well that´s all right, then! Good for you!" leaning forward as he spoke, his words dripping with sarcasm.

"Please, Severus, let me explain!"

His lip curled unpleasantly as he glared at me.

"All right. I´m listening," he said, leaning back again and folding his arms, affecting boredom, his face mask-like.

"When I was captured by Voldemort - and you died - Hermione and I never told you the real reason why Voldemort actually cast the Killing Curse on you."

"I killed his pet snake!"

"No, he only used Cruciatus on you then. And - after that - he showed us something. Oh, this is so difficult, please don´t look at me like that! He - he- plucked an image, a picture, from inside me, and he threw it into the air...it was a picture of a baby. Our baby."

I paused to gauge his reaction, but his face was expressionless, cold, so I continued haltingly,

"It was six weeks old. He- he made a grasping movement with his hand, and the image crumpled, into his fist, just like a piece of tissue paper. I was in agony- and then he just threw it away, like a ball, over the edge of the precipice, into the abyss, and I felt the blood gushing out of me, down my legs, and I knew I´d lost it! I knew I´d lost our child, Severus!"

A muscle twitched repeatedly in his cheek as his jaw clenched. He was staring at the emerald on my chest as I clutched at it. He would not meet my gaze.

"You were- you were distraught. You cast the Killing Curse on him then, but he was ready for you and it rebounded back on to you. And so I lost you as well!" I sobbed, tears streaming down my face. I tried to brush them away with the back of my hand, but they just kept coming.

"I wanted to die too," I continued. "I couldn´t bear it. I hadn´t even known I was pregnant, Severus, I would have told you!"

The only sound, for a while, was the sound of my sobbing. Severus´ eyes were downcast now, his long dark lashes accentuating the pallor of his skin as he watched his tapering fingers trace the pattern of the grain in the oak table. Eventually, an eyebrow lifting almost imperceptibly, he said carefully,

"And when you went back?"

"The baby was saved too."

Moments passed.

"I see. And you told me nothing about it."

"I was scared to, at first."

"Scared...of me?"

"Yes..."

"Hah!"

"No, not of you...not at first, anyway. I was scared of your reaction. Scared you wouldn´t want it," - at this his eyebrow arched high on his brow- "I wanted more time with you, before I told you, because I didn´t want it to spoil what we had together, Severus, it was so good!"

I leaned across to him then to emphasise my words, reaching out for his hand. Abruptly he stood, the chair clattering to the floor behind him, sending the two house elves that had been asleep near to the fire skittering away down the room before they disappeared with a pop.

"Good? Good, was it? Oh yes, I remember it well. So good that it sent you running off to another man´s arms!"

"No, you don´t understand! There´s nothing between me and Sirius, there never was!"

"Are you still pregnant?" he shouted, eyes flashing.

"Yes! Yes. Twenty eight weeks now."

He was breathing heavily, his hair askew and his eyes wild. All pretence at detachment was gone. He looked down at me, where my robes did too good a job of disguising my condition. His hands clenching and unclenching, he said sardonically,

"Are you sure it´s mine?"

"Oh Severus, please don´t do this-"

"I only ask, because, you see, it´s all rather difficult to believe! I mean, who in their right mind would do what you´ve done?"

"That´s the whole point! I´m trying to explain to you, Severus, I wasn´t in my right mind!"

"And now you are? How convenient!"

"Yes! Now I am! Will you just sit back down and let me explain?"

He glared at me coldly, but complied. I took a deep breath, and continued.

"We were so happy, and I was just waiting for the right moment to tell you. And then I started throwing up every morning, and I thought you´d notice for yourself."

He frowned distantly, remembering.

"Every morning?"

"Yes, but you were usually asleep. Anyway, then the nightmares started. They just got worse and worse, and they were always the same. It got so that I couldn´t look you in the eye, in case I saw an echo there of - well, of what you used to be. I kept thinking about my parents and Phoebe. My hormones were in overdrive because of the baby, and they sent me haywire. I couldn´t think straight. I thought everyone was against me, I was completely paranoid"

"Why didn´t you confide in me? Didn´t you know you could tell me anything?" He was unable to prevent a plaintive note from creeping into his voice, and I took heart from that involuntary display of emotion.

"You -I -I - I wanted to tell you so many times. When I was feeling okay. But then, more and more, I managed to convince myself that - that - oh, Severus, I´m so sorry!" I cried.

"That what?"

"That - that you were trying to kill our child!"

He looked at me incredulously.

"You were always brewing potions," (he flung his hands in the air in exasperation) "And I thought you were plotting with Madam Pomfrey to poison me -"

"Poison you?"

" - So I stopped going to see her. I couldn´t tell anyone, if I had they might have realised how ill I´d become, and none of this would have happened."

"And why would I want to kill my own child? Why would I want to harm you, of all people?"

I shrugged helplessly.

"Because you killed the rest of my family, so why not finish the job?"

"What?"

"It made perfect sense to me at the time! I know how it must sound to you now, it sounds crazy to me too, but you have to understand, Severus! I felt so guilty about loving you so much! And then, you´d spent so many years on your own, I really believed you wouldn´t want to have to adjust to having a baby, as well as me..."

"No, of course!" he laughed bitterly. "Why on earth would I want a normal, happy life? I was made to be alone, wasn´t I? Well, that´s exactly what I am. Now, if you´ll excuse me, I´ve heard enough of this drivel! I have a bottle of Ogden´s waiting for me..."

"Where are you going?" I asked tremulously as he made to stand up once more. "Don´t go!"

"I said, I´ve heard enough! And I have my position here to consider. I think you´d better go now, don´t you? It wouldn´t be seemly for people to see you in your...condition. Go and carry on your new life with your new boyfriend," he spat, leaning across the table.

"Severus, please! How many more times do I have to say this? I don´t want Sirius, I want you! It´s always been you! I was ill, I couldn´t help it! I am so sorry!" I shouted after him as he strode out of the room, but he didn´t stop.

Burying my face in my hands, I wept for a long while, my body wracked with sobs. I don´t know how else I had expected him to react. I suppose I had half hoped that my words and the news of our baby would sway him, that the sincerity of my love would be enough for him to forgive me in an instant. But it was clear that that had been my own heart´s wishful thinking, born out of my desperate desire to be with him again. I really ought to have known better, I realised, as I began to calm down.

Now that our initial confrontation was over I knew I had to follow him. He was far too proud, and too hurt, to come to me, and I had to know how he felt about my carrying his child, who even now was kicking and turning inside me.

I passed my hand over the emerald and whispered "Mirror Mirabilis!" and brushed my tears away as I gazed into it. Severus was in his bedroom, pacing up and down. He took down our sculpture from the mantelpiece and drew back his arm as if to throw it against the wall. But he thought better of it, and, his shoulders slumping, he placed it on the low table in front of the fire. Sitting in his armchair, he stroked it, and I watched him place one hand on each figure as he said the incantation. Our stone facsimiles came to life, dancing, moving around one another, and I watched Severus as he watched us, his face twisted with pain, weeping with him, yearning for him.

I had to go to him. It would soon be daybreak and the kitchen elves would begin bustling about me, setting out the huge copper pans that were for now stacked up against the walls, busily preparing breakfast for the entire school. Slowly I got to my feet and walked to the door.

The castle was dark and quiet, and I was aware of the tap of my footsteps echoing through the deserted corridors as I walked. The only other sound I could hear was soft snoring from some of the paintings. Ghosts glided silently through doorways and walls, but I shrank into the shadows in order that none of them would notice me, and I was glad that I didn´t have to make conversation.

My stomach was churning as I drew nearer to Severus´ chambers. I didn´t know whether or not he would let me in, let alone listen to me. But I had to try. I owed him that much, and I ached for him. I missed him desperately.

At last I was at his door. I rapped firmly on the solid oak, my knock implying far more conviction than I truly felt.

"Severus, it´s me. Let me in, please. I know you´re there," I said, watching him in the emerald.

He got up and walked slowly to the door, standing at the other side while he decided what to do. I put my hand up to the door and breathed,

"Please, Severus! I´ll wait here all day if I have to!"

I watched as he hesitated then withdrew his wand, in order to remove the many wards that were his defences against intruders and physical attack. I wished he could dispose of his mental defences so readily, but knew that he would be unwilling to do that. That particular challenge was for me to face.

He opened the door opened roughly and stood there for a moment, looking into my red-rimmed eyes, his own dulled by firewhisky. Then he turned away and went over to the window, where he stood with his back to me. Closing the door behind me, I crossed the room to him.

"Come to twist the knife a bit more?" he said bitterly, an almost palpable misery emanating from him.

"I never wanted it to happen," I whispered. "I couldn´t help myself. It was - a psychosis. Paranoia. I couldn´t stop thinking about Phoebe and my parents, how I wasn´t there when they died - it all got mixed up inside my head, until it was as if I needed this baby, like a second chance - and it was yours, part of you, and I love you!"

"Love me? Hah!"

"I want this baby so much, Severus. All my instincts were telling me so, and I had to do all I could to protect it,"

"From me?"

"Yes! From everyone! I was behaving totally irrationally, I know that now. But Sirius helped me through it, and-"

"Oh, bloody Sirius!" he spat.

"He helped me! He made me realise I needed help, he made me see a doctor."

"Why did it have to be him, of all people?"

"Does it matter who it was?"

He was silent. Brooding. I went up behind him and began to slide my hands around his waist. He stiffened, but didn´t push me away. I held him, splaying my hands across his chest and pressing myself into his back, needing so much to touch him again, aware of how thin he felt, how hard and unyielding too. I rested my cheek against his angular shoulder blade, feeling his warmth through his shirt as I took a deep breath, gasping in his musky scent needily as if I had been starved of oxygen without him. My swollen belly pressed in to the small of his back, and his buttocks, and I wondered whether or not he could feel it.

We stood like two statues for a long time, or so it seemed. And then I felt a small fluttering inside me. The baby had awoken, and it gave me a sharp kick, high up. Severus flinched and said quietly,

"What was that?"

"That was your child, love."

With a shuddering intake of breath, he reached out to the stone lintel and grasped it convulsively. I loosened my grip on him, and put one hand on his shoulder.

"Turn around, love? Let me introduce you."

Slowly, sagging, Severus turned to face me, his fathomless eyes maelstroms of conflicting emotions in a face that was grey and haunted in the pale light of the new dawn. I shrugged off my robes, standing in front of him in just leggings and a long sweater, which outlined and enhanced my bump. I reached for his hand and he let me lift it and place it on my belly. His fingers splayed out over me, and he looked down at me in awe.

As the baby kicked again, his eyes widened in surprise and he sank to his knees, lifting my sweater and looking up questioningly into my eyes before pressing his cheek against my skin. His left arm embraced me, pulling me to him while his right hand stroked and pressed my stomach as he acquainted himself with our child.

Overwhelmed with love for him, I stroked his hair, hesitantly at first in case he objected to such a gesture of intimacy. But he did not pull away from me, and so there we stayed until the sun rose over the lake below, turning all the grey shades to gold.