Snape In Love

Chapter 29

Don´t Be Afraid To Care

It was a relief to let it all out. I told him everything, starting with Voldemort´s revelation, going on to explain how scared I´d become for my baby´s safety, and how everyone had been conspiring against me until I could take no more.

Sirius listened carefully until I had finished, and when I had sat back with a sigh he moved closer to me and put his arm around my shoulders. He said gently,

"I wish you´d told me sooner. After the trial, if you´d stayed over...before it came to this."

"So do I!" I said fervently, resting my head on his shoulder. "I´m really sorry, you must feel like I´ve led you on..."

"I don´t mean for my sake, Ella."

"So now do you see why I can´t go back?"

"Well, not exactly," he answered carefully. "Ella, listen, will you do something for me? Take a step back, just a little one, and look at what you´ve just told me? Do you think, maybe, you could have made a mistake?"

"You don´t believe me!"

"Yes, yes I do! I believe every word you´ve said! But- maybe your perceptions haven´t been that objective, that´s all... Listen to me," he said hurriedly as I glared at him, "Just hear me out. I´ve known Snape for a very long time- and I regret most of it- but the fact is, I can´t see him ever wanting to destroy something that was his. It´s not in his nature. He´s not a destructive man, he´s very creative- look at how he is in his work, so possessive of his secrets, such a perfectionist."

"So, he could make the perfect poison!"

"And why on earth would he want to do that? Why destroy something so wonderful?"

"Because he doesn´t want it!"

"How do you know? He doesn´t even know about it!"

"He does! He´s guessed! He´s guessed, and he´d prefer to be alone!"

"Oh, Ella. I spent twelve years of my life alone in Azkaban. I´d like to bet Snape has spent even longer in his own prison. As little as I have in common with the man, I think I can safely say that he isn´t happier alone! Besides, he´s been on the firewhisky lately...he never used to drink more than the odd one, or red wine. How could he make `the perfect poison´ with his senses dulled like they have been? He isn´t plotting, Ella, he misses you! I believe it´s called drowning your sorrows?"

"You´re confusing me, Sirius, I´m too tired for this!"

"I´m sorry. But listen to me, Ella. I- look, I spent a lot of time with Lily and James when Lily was pregnant with Harry. I know how irrational women can get when-"

"What?" I stormed.

"-Okay, I mean, not irrational, obviously, but perceptions can be skewed, and - oh, let me start again. Okay. When you´re pregnant your body starts producing so many hormones, and some have a physical effect, and make you feel sick-"

"I do know that, Sirius! I´m not stupid!" I retorted.

"- I´m not saying you are," he countered hurriedly. "Anyway, these hormones. Is it reasonable to believe that since they can have such a strong physical effect, that they could maybe have a psychological effect too?"

"Yes Sirius, it is reasonable to believe," I said impatiently, "but that doesn´t mean he wasn´t trying to kill our baby!"

Sirius sighed in exasperation and rubbed his eyes with his hands.

"Lily used to think James was up to all sorts of things when she was pregnant. She´d accuse him of hiding things from her on purpose, of laughing at her behind her back, even of having an affair. It drove him to distraction, and I got stuck in the middle. But as time went on she calmed down, and realised it had all been in her mind. So, I´ve seen this before, Ella."

I sat stony-faced, not wanting to listen. I hated the way his sound, sensible argument and his reasonable, earnest tone swayed me. I wished he would just shut up and go away, and I opened my mouth to tell him so, but stopped myself. What if there was a chance that he was right? And then it was too late, because he had started on me again.

He went on and on, and it seemed like hours passed. He told me all about Lily and the things she told him about how she felt. I hated the way he made everything start to make sense, especially when he told me I felt guilty about my parents and my relationship with Severus.

Oh, Severus. Sirius gradually steered the conversation back round to me and Severus, and, as I sat with my head in my hands, ready to hit out at him if he didn´t give it a rest, he asked me,

"Ella, do you still love Severus?" His voice seemed to come to me from a long way away.

"Sirius, I´m too tired for this. You´d better go," I replied, my voice shaking.

"Only, I´m pretty sure he still loves you."

"I can´t talk about this any more!"

"Do you still love him?" he persisted.

"Yes! Yes, I still love him!" I whispered as my eyes filled with tears.

"Enough to listen to what I´ve been saying to you?"

"I don´t know, I can´t think straight...you´ve confused me!"

"Yes, you do! You can! Do you love him enough to give him a chance?"

"Of course I love him! I can´t stop loving him and I don´t know why I can´t!"

"Then give him a chance!"

"No! Get out! Leave me alone!" I screamed at him, pushing him away from me as he tried to placate me.

"I won't see you throw this away, Ella!"

"What do you care? You don't even like him! Oh, but you think you're so clever, don't you? You think you have all the answers? Just because Lily clearly had a hard time with reality doesn't mean I do!"

"Ella! Listen to yourself! Listen to me! And calm down!"

"Are you in on it too?"

"In on - oh, please, stop this! Please!"

I sat on the sofa, shaking, my head bent down between my elbows which rested on my knees, my hands clasped around the back of my neck. I rocked backwards and forwards, sobbing. Sirius edged closer to me and put his arms around my shoulders, and I sank against him.

"Ella, why did you come to Beauxbatons?"

"To get away! I feel safe here."

"Do you? Even though you´re still fairly close to Hogwarts, and Snape knows exactly where to find you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, that if you´re so scared of what he might do, why isn´t there an ocean between you, rather than just the English Channel? You´ve lived all over the world, surely you know some way to make yourself disappear?"

"I - I don´t know. I wanted - I wanted to see Madame Maxime. I trust her."

"Even though she´s in constant contact with Albus Dumbledore? Snape´s mentor?"

"Don´t you think I should trust her?" I asked, confused.

"It´s what you´re thinking that matters! But for what it´s worth, yes, you can trust her. You can trust Snape, too!"

"No..." I moaned.

"Come on, Ella! You know you want to - if you really believed what you´re saying, deep in your heart, you´d be on the other side of the world by now!"

"You aren´t taking me seriously."

"Oh, I am! You can´t let him go, can you? Doesn´t that tell you something?"

"I miss him, Sirius! I can't stand it! How can I love him so much after what he did?"

"I don't know, Ella. But you can't run away from this."

"What can I do?"

"Well, talking it all through might help."

"With him? No, I can't..."

"Not with Snape, no. I mean - with a doctor."

"What, a psychiatrist? You think I'm mad?"

"Of course not! But I do think you're wrong about Snape. Don't you sometimes wonder that yourself?"

"Yes, often, but I try not to think about it..."

"Well then." He sighed, drawing me back with him so that my head rested on his chest. I put my arms around his waist and we sat together, his hand gently stroking my back.

"So..." I said slowly, "you think he'd want the baby?"

"Yes. Yes, I really believe he would. But you need to believe it too."

"You mean I need to be brainwashed into it..." I contradicted, but only half-heartedly now. I was too drained to do anything other than concede that Sirius might have a point. And I owed it to Severus, and to myself, to find out.

As I sat with Sirius, thinking at last, I was seized with a desperate urge to see Severus again. I got up and went into the bedroom, taking the box from the back of the drawer and opening it. I uttered the incantation, ran my hand over the stone, and waited with bated breath. Severus lay sleeping, sprawled out across his bed - our bed - fully clothed, with one arm above his head as was his habit. He was more beautiful still to me in sleep and I began to cry in earnest now, aching to reach out and touch him. Sirius came up behind me and looked at the emerald over my shoulder.

"What is that? What can you see?"

"Severus..." I said tearfully. "I can see him in this stone whatever he´s doing. He´s sleeping. Oh, Sirius, I miss him so much! I´ve tried not to, but I do! What am I going to do?"

"I think you need to talk to someone about how you´ve been feeling, like I said. Get it all into perspective."

"I´m scared...I´m scared of what he could do - and now I´m scared I´ve made a terrible mistake! What if you´re right?"

"I know. I know. See the nurse tomorrow, with me? I´m sure there´ll be someone here you can talk to, maybe she can arrange something..."

"You´ll come with me?"

"Of course, if that´s what you want. Now, lie down and get some sleep. We´ve been up all night."

"Will you - will you stay here, Padfoot?"

He smiled, and soon a large black dog stood before me, its tail wagging. Padding off back to the salon, he settled down in front of the fire. I closed the bedroom door, and went to bed with the emerald clutched in my hand.

Sirius came with me to see the nurse the following day, and I explained to her how I had been feeling. Then we went to see Madame Maxime. She was very sympathetic and intimated that Professor Dumbledore had contacted her weeks earlier and shared his concerns. She had known it was best not to quiz me too closely, because,

"Eet eez somezink you need to work out for yourself, n´est-ce pas? Dumbly-dorr, ee eez vairy wise man."

By the end of that day, she had arranged for a trained counsellor to come to the chateau and talk to me about how I had been feeling. She came to my apartment to tell me the news, and with a huge sense of relief, I let her enfold me in her arms affectionately. Once again, I felt like a little girl, and I had the strongest feeling that now I had told her, she was going to do her very best to make everything all right, just the way my own mother had used to do.

Two days later at the appointed time, I made my way through the chateau to a small, elegant third floor room which overlooked the central courtyard, on the opposite side to my bedroom. The room was decorated in calming greens and sunny yellows, and the window was wide open, infusing the room with the delicate scent of jasmine.

The counsellor appeared to be about my age, a small, dark haired witch with smiling eyes and a friendly, comforting manner. I felt awkward at first, but she put me at my ease and our first session was spent telling her all about my family, my relationships with them, how they had died, how I had felt when I buried them. I was emotionally drained when the hour was up, and by the time the second appointment came round, three days later, I almost didn't attend. However, Sirius made me go, even accompanying me there and waiting in the corridor outside until I came out. I was grateful for his concern and support, particularly as he would listen to me after each session when I would tell him what we had covered, and he would offer insights of his own.

That second session was harrowing. The counsellor made me confront my guilt at not being there when my parents and sister had died. I had always believed I should have been there, could have saved them. I knew deep down, of course, that there was nothing I could have done, Severus' potion had been far too sophisticated for a twenty year old novice like me to just throw together an antidote, but I felt guilty all the same. She finally made me admit out loud that I had been trying to outrun my guilt ever since.

In the third session we got on to the thorny issue of Severus, and why I could love a man who had, albeit unwittingly, caused me so much pain.

I told her all about our relationship. How I had fallen for him so quickly, building him up in my mind before I had even met him. How his physical presence was so potent that just thinking about it made my heart race. How I had seen behind his mask and touched his soul, falling in love with his heart, his mind and his intellect as we had worked together.

Then I told her about the sacrifices he had made for me over the course of our relationship; pretending not to care for me for my own safety and nearly dying because of me; coming to rescue me and literally dying for me; and even rather more prosaic sacrifices, like losing his independence and compromising his fearsome reputation.

I found myself defending him to her, explaining that it had been Voldemort's doing more so than his, and that he given himself up to Dumbledore when he realised the enormity of his wrongdoing. She smiled when I told her that it didn't matter why I loved him. It was enough that I did, in spite of what he'd done. The more I told her about him, the worse I felt about my treatment of him, and when I had finished she asked me whether or not I realised how animated and enthusiastic I had become while talking about him.

During one session the counsellor asked me about previous relationships. I had had a few boyfriends, I told her, and certainly hadn´t lived like a nun. However, I had never been in love before Severus. Not the all-consuming, life-transforming, soul searing love I felt for him. I had always kept partners at arm´s length. Moving on as soon as I felt they had become too attached to me.

But Severus had been different, right from the start, and holding myself back from him, protecting myself from the extremeness of our passion, had never been an option. Loving him, I told her, was like standing on the edge of a waterfall. I could have turned back, somehow, or trusted the fall. I had chosen to take the dive into the unknown, willingly and wholeheartedly, only to panic part way down. And until I heard myself say the words out loud to her, I hadn´t even realised I´d felt that way.

We talked about the baby, too, and why I wanted it so much. I wanted Severus' child because it was a part of him, I told her, but she made me ask myself whether I had thought about what it symbolised for us both. A new beginning. A chance for me to start again, and for him to make amends. The baby would be a physical manifestation of our love, but also the bringing of life out of death. I had thought I had forgiven him the dark part of his past, but she made me realise that until I forgave myself, I would never find peace, or truly forgive him either.

I left that particular appointment brimming over with questions to ask of myself, and I barely slept between that session and the next. I think that was the point at which the scales once so firmly weighted against Severus truly began to tip in his favour.

After each session with the counsellor I could feel my suspicions melting away, like heavy chains falling from my shoulders. Now that my fears were diminishing I was coming to realise at last how ill I had been, and how tight a grip the pregnancy psychosis had had on me.

Slowly, as the weeks passed, I began to realise that Sirius had been right. I had indeed misjudged Severus badly, and ached all the more to see him and put things right, although knowing his unforgiving nature I was very much afraid that he would never take me back. I was now coming to accept that years of suppressed guilt, my kidnapping, and my own raging hormones had combined together as lethal ingredients in the crucible that was my mind, the result poisoning my love for Severus. I was relieved indeed that Sirius had browbeaten me so determinedly, and forced me to confront myself. I yearned more and more to see Severus again, to explain.