Snape In Love

Chapter 27

Loneliness Is The Cloak You Wear

How can I just let you walk away

Just let you leave without a trace

When I stand here taking every breath with you

You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me

When all I can do is watch you leave

'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain

And even shared the tears

You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now

Well there's just an empty space

And there's nothing left here to remind me

Just the memory of your face

Well take a look at me now

Well there's just an empty space

And you coming back to me is against the odds

And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around

Turn around and see me cry

There's so much I need to say to you

So many reasons why

You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now

Well there's just an empty space

And there's nothing left here to remind me

Just the memory of your face

Well take a look at me now

Well there's just an empty space

But to wait for you is all I can do

And that's what I've got to face

Now take a look at me now

I'll still be standing here

And you coming back to me is against all odds

It's the chance I've got to take

Take a look at me now

(Phil Collins)

The room was long and grey, with a row of narrow sash windows all down one side. A table of solid oak stretched half its length, with at least thirty red velvet-upholstered chairs set at it. The room had been empty when we entered, save for one person. Severus. He stood at the far end of the room, dressed in a high-collared black frock coat and black trousers, both very heavily buttoned. Armour plated, I thought. His arms were folded, and he was staring out of one of the windows. He did not turn as we came in, not at first. All I could see, and cope with seeing, was his back. His broad back, his narrow waist. The back of his head, his black hair curling down past his collar, flicking out at the bottom the way I knew so well. As I moved further into the room his profile was revealed by degrees, his aquiline nose, his strong chin, that stray lock of hair that I was always tempted to brush back from his face. Seeing him was a physical jolt for me, knocking all the air from my lungs. I couldn't breathe. My legs wobbled and I gripped the back of a chair to stop myself falling. Someone took my arm, saying,

"Ella, are you okay?"

It was Harry. I didn't answer, for Severus had turned at the sound of my name and he was staring down the room at me, his eyes boring into mine, piercing my soul. Of their own volition, it seemed, my legs began to propel me to him, and I ran, ran to him, flung my arms around his waist, buried my face in his chest and breathed him in, melting into him as his strong arms enfolded me, welcoming me home, and he whispered my name into my hair. And then I blinked, and I hadn't moved at all. I was still rooted to the spot and shaking, with Harry's hand still on my shoulder.

"Ella?" Harry repeated.

Severus' voice was low, but years of teaching had modulated it so that it carried perfectly, all the way down the room, and I could hear the icy malevolence in his tone as he said,

"Mister Potter, I think you'll find that Miss Redemte does not like to share her thoughts nowadays. Luckily for the prosecuting counsel, the Veritaserum should help to loosen her tongue!"

He approached as he spoke, his arms still folded, and I sank into the nearest chair, overwhelmed by him. No-one spoke, and he stopped a few feet away from me. From the expression on his face, it appeared that he would have preferred to be on the other side of the world. Our eyes were locked and I had to use every ounce of self-control I possessed to stop mine from welling up with tears. The tension in the air could have been cut with a knife. He evidently loathed me, I decided. He was just looking for another opportunity to carry out his plan, since I had thwarted it once already. My heart was screaming at me that no, no, it wasn't that at all, he loved me, he was desperately hurt at my inexplicable rejection of him, and was retaliating in the only way he knew how. My inner turmoil made me gasp out loud,

"Ah!" and I felt short of breath, and dizzy. Concern flashed across his face and he took a step towards me. His hand twitched, as if he wanted to reach out to me, before he collected himself.

Just then, the door opened and the prosecuting counsel walked in. As Severus wrenched his eyes from mine and, along with Dumbledore, turned to greet her, Hermione leaned over me and hissed in my ear,

"Ella, your blood pressure! Have you had it checked lately, because I think it's sky high!"

"Yes, it's been up, okay? Is it any wonder?" I muttered back, before turning my attention to the new arrival.

She was tall, blonde and glacial, and I wondered whether any Veela blood ran through her veins. Her hair was tied back and coiled into an elaborate knot at the nape of her neck. Half moon spectacles, which I was convinced were only worn for effect, were perched on the end of her nose, and she wore short black robes over a knee length black dress. She had very long legs. Her gaze took in the whole room before coming to rest, with a flicker of appreciation, on Severus. I hated her.

"This is Miss Kovich," said Severus in his silkiest voice, smiling expansively. I hated him too. "She's been telling me all about what to expect today."

I bet she has, I thought grimly.

She gave us a businesslike smile, and flipped through some papers in her portfolio.

"Two representatives from the Ministry and the counsel for the defence will be here shortly to administer the Veritaserum," she said in a cut-glass accent. "You will then be escorted to the courtroom. You will sit on the witness benches. You will not speak to one another at all until after you have given evidence and taken your place on the public benches."

"I trust that your questioning of our two star witnesses will not be too stringent?" asked Severus pleasantly, indicating Hermione and me with a sweep of his arm. "They had to live through the episode not once, but twice, and then recount it several times, and since it is not Voldemort on trial here, but Malfoy, I sincerely hope, for their sake, that your questions will be confined to the actual event of their abduction, and not the terrible ordeal that ensued?" he finished, with raised eyebrows and another predatory smile. Miss Veela looked flustered, and with her hand fluttering to her throat in a most unprofessional manner, she replied,

"Oh, no, of course, there is no need whatsoever...of course, I'm afraid I can't speak for my learned friend..."

"Of course!" finished Severus, turning back to Hermione and me and giving us a penetrating stare before folding his arms and returning to the window.

I didn't know what to think. Severus had just removed one of my greatest fears about the trial; the fear that I might be questioned about what Voldemort had done to me and that I would have to tell the whole court, including Severus, that I was pregnant. I felt so pathetically grateful, I ached to run to him. But then I had second thoughts, as I always did these days - of course, it would not be in Severus' best interests for the court to make me admit I was to have a baby, because then he wouldn't be able to rid himself of it with impunity. Sighing inwardly, and trying not to stare at him, I steeled myself to stay true to what I believed, and what had sent me away from him in the first place.

The doors creaked open once again, and the defence counsel entered, with two Ministry of Magic representatives, one of whom was carrying a box full of vials of Veritaserum. One official dispensed the clear potion to each of us in turn, while the other ticked our names off a list he held once both were satisfied we had drunk it.

It tasted bitter, and when I had swallowed it I felt coldness spread from my throat outwards, icy tendrils rushing through my body like sharp frost on a windowpane. The feeling wore off after a few moments and we all looked at one another uneasily.

"Please follow me," instructed Miss Veela, whose real name I no longer cared to remember, and we filed out slowly. Severus stood at the door, black and brooding, his presence overpowering, and he fell into step beside me as I walked past him. I dared not look at him and was painfully aware of how near to me he was walking. But oh, not near enough, and I had to swallow the moan of frustration that threatened to escape from my lips as I tried not to slip my arms around his waist, as if we were opposite poles of two magnets.

"This should be interesting!" he muttered maliciously in an undertone. His low voice sent a shiver down my spine and I didn't trust myself to answer. "Tell me," he continued, "What do you think of our esteemed counsel for the prosecution?"

The Veritaserum compelled me to respond.

"I loathe her, because I think she wants to sleep with you, and she mentally undresses you every time she looks at you."

He laughed bitterly.

"And the thought of me with her upsets you, doesn't it?"

"Yes!" I snarled. "And will you? Will you sleep - have sex with her?" I phrased my question carefully.

He struggled not to answer but could not deny the potion.

"No!" he spat out, forcefully, glaring at me and striding on ahead into the courtroom, his fists clenched. Covering my mouth with my hand to stifle my relief, I followed in his wake.

The courtroom had been described to me, and so I had known what to expect, but nothing had prepared me for the way the place felt. Harry took my hand and squeezed it gently, saying,

"It'll be okay, Ella. Soon over."

"It's so - so loaded with memories. They're almost palpable!"

"Yes, I know. I've been here before - not really here, but I once used Dumbledore's Pensieve. It's creepy in here."

Our small group was directed to sit on the end of the two front benches along the right side of the room. Serried rows of benches, all occupied, were on all four sides of the windowless room. A single chair stood in the middle and I shivered as I saw the chains attached to its arms and legs. I shivered even more when I realised who was sitting directly behind me. Severus' gaze burned into the back of my head and it was all I could do not to turn round and lose myself in it.

I was so relieved that he wasn't going to sleep with that woman, and that he had wasted an opportunity to ask me a really penetrating question about why I left him. Instead he had demonstrated to me how hurt he was by lashing out at me, trying to make me jealous.

My thoughts were interrupted then by the arrival of Lucius Malfoy, flanked by two guards. Two and a half months in a Ministry of Magic cell had done nothing to put a dent in his self-importance, and he looked as arrogant and as aristocratic as ever. He stalked straight over to the chair in the middle of the room and sat down elegantly, looking all around him with disdain, and not even flinching when the manacles magically attached themselves to his wrists and ankles.

I was horrified to see him turn to Hermione and me as this was happening with a slow, mocking curl of his lip. I heard Severus' sharp intake of breath behind me and knew that he too had seen the defiant gesture. Slowly I turned in my seat and looked up at him. I didn't know what I expected to see in his eyes, or why I had been compelled to find out, but he looked down at me intently, and nodded.

I turned back to face the front once more, my heart pounding in my chest and the sound of its pumping loud in my ears. He had spoken volumes with just one look. He had shown me that despite what had happened between us, he was there for me, supporting me, willing me to be strong. Harry, sitting on my left, took my hand again and squeezed it reassuringly, and I let it rest in his.

I was the first witness to be called to the stand. I was led by one of the court ushers to a small lectern near to an empty bench diagonally opposite the witness benches, and my questioning began. Miss Veela was as good as her word, and asked me only questions pertaining to my actual abduction from the Forbidden Forest by Malfoy, and our arrival on the plateau. I was very nervous, my eyes flicking between a smirking Malfoy, the counsel, and Severus, from whose constant gaze I drew my strength.

My cross-examination, by Malfoy's lawyer, was far more problematic. He asked me to describe what Malfoy had been doing while Voldemort was occupied with Hermione and me, and later our five rescuers, as if any evidence of his inactivity or absence then could have exonerated him! I remembered Madame Maxime's sage advice and kept my answers very short, monosyllabic where I could. I could see approval in Severus' eyes as he willed me on. And then, at last, it was all over and I was allowed to stand down.

I sank into my seat on the opposite side of the room now, and looked across at Severus, but now that I had done my duty he would no longer meet my gaze.

I was miserable. My head was spinning with conflicting emotions and I was barely even aware of Hermione's testimony in the stand, except that it was somewhat shorter than mine. Yet again the insistent voice inside my head was doing its worst, telling me that Severus was not so concerned for me as he appeared, and it warned me not to let down my guard. So it was that when he finally looked at me once more, as Harry took the stand, I studiously looked away.

One by one we had all given our evidence under Veritaserum, and there could surely be no doubt as to Malfoy's guilt. As the judge delivered the verdict I breathed a sigh of relief, noticing Malfoy's ever-present smirk transform into a scowl of sheer outrage as he snapped his head round to look from the judge to the Minister of Magic himself, Cornelius Fudge, who was shifting in his seat looking very uncomfortable. I remembered what Severus had said about Fudge and wondered just how deeply he had been in Malfoy's pocket.

As the judge pronounced sentence - Azkaban, of course - Fudge blanched and Malfoy shouted,

"You won't hear the end of this! Someone will pay for this outrage!"

His invective could still be heard as the guards dragged him from the courtroom, slamming the door behind them. The room was filled with excited chatter as everyone filed out, except for we seven, who were silent, and a loudly dressed woman with an acid green quill, which was scribbling furiously across a large sheet of parchment.

We were led back to the room with the large table by Miss Veela, who looked at Severus expectantly and was ignored. He was too busy glaring at me, making me feel uncomfortable, although that in no way spoiled my enjoyment of watching her disappointed exit.

"Professor Dumbledore, how long will it be before the Veritaserum wears off?" asked Hermione, glancing at me anxiously.

"Oh, any time now!" twinkled the Headmaster.

"In that case," said Severus, advancing on me determinedly, "now might be a good time for Ella and me to have a few moments alone!"

"Ah, no, Severus, I don't think so. We're all drained and in need of a good rest. I believe we should all go back to the Leaky Cauldron for butterbeer."

Severus glared at the Headmaster, his mouth twisting in an unpleasant sneer as he turned on his heel and stalked back to the other end of the room. Dumbledore gave the impression that he was completely unaware of Severus' reaction as he turned back to us and said brightly,

"Shall we?" before casting a meaningful look in my direction. Pale and shaking, close to tears yet again, I nodded my thanks.

I was the first of our party to stumble out of the fireplace at the Leaky Cauldron. As I stood shaking the dust and soot from my robes Severus emerged behind me, coming up to within inches of me and saying urgently,

"Ella, we need to talk! "

I whirled round, and began to back away from him, unable to bear his proximity.

"Oh, Severus, I don't - " I began, as my back pressed painfully into the corner of a wooden pillar. I was trapped.

"There's nobody here to rescue you from me this time, Ella! Albus was sidetracked by Fudge, so don't bother looking round me for him!"

"I don't need anyone's help! I can look after myself, I always have!"

"Yes, and I know that's the truth! But I didn't think you wanted to live like that any more! Now, tell me the truth, Ella, do you still love me?"

"Yes!" I admitted.

"Then come back with me!"

"I can't, Severus, I'm sorry - I just need time - "

"Time for what?" he expostulated, gripping my shoulders. He was trying to catch my gaze, but I didn't dare look him in the eye. I searched around desperately for something to focus on, eventually pinning my eyes on the row of buttons that ended underneath his chin. His touch was intoxicating and made me wilt with longing, and I knew that if he kissed me I would be lost.

"For pity's sake, tell me! What's going on?"

I said a silent prayer of thanks that the Veritaserum was wearing off as I prevaricated,

"I need time on my own, to think..."

"About what?"

I wouldn't answer, and he realised that I had overcome the last traces of the potion.

"Oh, fine, don't tell me!"

He released me roughly, pushing himself away from me. Running his hand through his hair in agitation, he stalked out of the room, muttering harshly with a catch in his throat,

"Consider that your last chance. Stay away from me from now on."

I was left staring after him, weak and trembling, yearning to follow.

Sirius burst out of the fireplace almost at a run, quickly followed by Dumbledore. Seeing my agitation, Sirius said

"Where's he gone?"

I pointed to the door, miserably.

"Are you okay?"

"Do I look like I'm okay?" I snapped before bursting into tears. "I want to go back to Beauxbatons now. Tonight. I'm going to go and pack."

When I descended the staircase into the bar once more, my bag in my hand, they were all still there, waiting for me. All except for Severus. I had had time to compose myself once more and although I would miss my friends I was still not sure which of them I could fully trust, apart from Sirius and Harry. I said my goodbyes and stepped into the fireplace. As I shouted out the destination for the first leg of my journey,

"La Toque Blanche, au Havre!" I saw Severus standing in the doorway at the far side of the room, his face bleak with despair. Then I was gone, tumbling through blackness, his image imprinted on my eyelids, his last words to me still ringing in my ears.

***************************************************************

By the time I had reached the pension it had closed for the night, and the bartender was wiping down the bar. Since I had not been expected to return until the following day, having originally intended to spend another night at the Leaky Cauldron, there was no cart waiting to return me to the chateau. I was not about to try to apparate, and so I arranged to take a room for the night. Then, I sent an owl to the chateau to request that somebody collect me early the next morning. At last, I curled up in the high feather bed in my attic room, and cried myself to sleep with tears of both anguish and relief, in roughly equal measure.

Hung over and swollen-eyed the next morning from crying, I had a foul headache and an even fouler temper. I spared the kindly innkeeper from the worst of it by breakfasting in my room, pausing on my way out only to settle my bill. The donkey cart pulled up as I went outside, and I climbed in without a word. The little round wizard, for it was he, looked at me, perplexed, and beyond the usual pleasantries we passed the journey in silence. When we arrived at the chateau I thanked him and apologised for my sombre mood. He simply smiled sympathetically and murmured something about "l'amour" and how "difficile" it could be, but I wasn't really paying attention. I went to bed as soon as I reached my room, and remained there for the rest of the day.

Madame Maxime sent word towards evening that she expected to see me before dinner, for aperitifs. When I entered the salon, she was alone, and looked at me kindly as she patted the seat next to hers. I sat down, and she took one of my hands in both of her great ones, saying,

"Eet eez all over, yes?"

"Yes. Malfoy's gone to Azkaban. Kicking and screaming all the way, I think."

"And you were strong?"

"I tried."

"'E was zere? `E knows yet, about ze baby?"

"No. I mean, yes, he was there, but it's still a secret." I paused, and she waited for me to continue. "He - he wanted me to explain, and I couldn't. He told me - oh, God, he told me to stay away from him!"

I broke down, and she patted my hand soothingly.

"But zis is what you want, no?"

"No! I don't know! All I know is, I miss him, and I want to be with him and I can't! I can't trust him any more, so why is it I still love him? I can't explain, don't make me explain! Just let me stay here till the baby's born, and then I'll - I'll - I don't know, but just let me stay!"

"But of course you can stay, cherie! As long as you wish! But I zink, you will follow your `eart in ze end, zere will come ze time when you will see clearly what you must do."

She produced a large square of embroidered white linen, a handkerchief the size of a dinner napkin. I blew my nose noisily and took deep, shuddering breaths as I calmed down, thinking, not for the first time, that she and Dumbledore were uncannily alike, and wondering how they could both sound so confident when predicting my future. Even I didn't know what on earth I was going to do, so how could they be so sure I'd work it out?