Snape In Love

Chapter 23

How Can I Be Sure Where I Stand With You?

One day in the middle of January, I went to see Madam Pomfrey for an antenatal check-up. As I entered the infirmary she came bustling out of her office and said,

"Oh, Ella, good, you're here. Now sit down, dear, sit down, that's it. Now, how are you feeling?"

"A bit sick in the mornings, but otherwise I'm fine," I said.

"And Professor Snape?"

"What about him?"

"Does he know he's going to be a father yet, dear?"

I looked at her seemingly stern face with its kindly eyes.

"Well, he's very busy at the moment..." I trailed off, looking away. She sighed.

"And you'd prefer him to notice for himself?"

"No!" I said at once. I didn't want him to know at all, I thought, but knew that I had to keep that thought to myself. "Well, yes..." I added, adopting a rueful expression. She seemed satisfied with this answer, and obviously did not suspect my true feelings, for she simply said,

"He's new to all this, you know. I'm sure he'll notice eventually. It'll be quite apparent soon, even to him! Now, let me find you something to help with the sickness, and some more of that potion for the baby."

As she disappeared into her private storeroom, I sat on the edge of the bed, swinging my legs. Suddenly the door to the infirmary was flung open and in strode Severus, his arms full of boxes in which bottles and vials of potions rattled. His eyes widened in surprise as he saw me, and he put down the boxes and came over to me, saying,

"Ella, what are you doing here? What's wrong?"

"Nothing! I'm just here for a check-up," I said innocently. He frowned, looking at me curiously. "Women's stuff," I elaborated, and he nodded with a small smile, accepting what I said without needing further clarification. He simply touched my shoulder tenderly, and when Madam Pomfrey came out he walked over to the pile of boxes and said,

"I'll put these in the storeroom, Poppy"

"Yes, thank you. Oh, just a minute-" she said, and followed him back in there, shutting the door behind her.

Several minutes passed. I frowned, wondering what they were plotting. When they emerged, Severus gave me another small smile and swept out. Madam Pomfrey carried over two vials to me. One was clear, the other a smoky grey.

"Drink these," she instructed. "I'll be back in a minute to check the baby's growth."

When she had gone, I looked at the two vials in my hand and sniffed them suspiciously. What had Severus been doing in there with her? Then realisation came to me, as clear as the dawn on a spring day. They were both in it together! It was so obvious! He knew, he was going to poison me and kill our baby, and with Madam Pomfrey's collusion!

I leapt from the bed and hurriedly poured the potions down the sink in the corner of the room, running the tap for a moment to wash away the evidence of what I had done. Then I hurried back to sit on the bed, so that when Madam Pomfrey returned she assumed I had taken them both and that all was well.

"Good girl," she said briskly. "Now, lie down dear. It won't take long."

I complied, watching her narrowly, and resolving that this would be my very last antenatal visit to the infirmary.

"Professor Snape didn't stay long," I observed, watching for her reaction.

"He has a class, dear! You know that, surely?"

"Oh, yes, of course," I replied.

"Ah, to be young and in love!" she smiled. I smiled back weakly. In love still, yes, but it wasn't enough. Not now. And who was I in love with anyway? How much of it was just a pretence for him?

His class was just leaving when I returned to the dungeons, and I found him sitting at his desk, marking some scrolls. He looked up as I entered the classroom, and put down his quill.

"Are you better? What did Poppy say?"

"I'm fine!" I shot back, too quickly. His eyes narrowed and he regarded me curiously.

"You never told me you were going to see her today."

"Do I have to tell you everything?" I snapped defensively and he flinched momentarily before drawing himself up and saying,

"Of course not, but you generally do, so-"

"What's that supposed to mean? You still think I talk too much? God, where do you get off on being so damned critical?"

Severus was shocked by my over-reaction, but it was not in his nature to be passive when under attack. Black eyes flashing, he said in a low, steely voice,

"I asked a civil question, Ella, and I am not critical unless circumstances warrant it!"

"Well, they don't! So just - leave me alone!"

"Yes, I will! I think that would be best for the moment, until you've calmed down!"

"Hah! How dare you? I'm not the one causing the problem here!" and, screaming that last, I turned on my heel and stormed out, leaving him alone and staring after me.

I was furious as I marched along the corridors back to my own rooms. However, by the time I'd closed my door and thrown myself on to the bed, I'd begun to calm down. And what had he said to me anyway? As I went over it I realised that he had done nothing to deserve the way I'd spoken to him. I began to feel ashamed and sorry, but there was still a nagging voice in my head telling me that it was for the best, that I needed to protect my baby, that he may be scheming and plotting against me, that self-preservation was my only priority. Thus, having satisfied myself once more that I was in the right, I waited for him to come to me. He didn't, of course, and so as the afternoon wore on I felt more and more annoyed. When the hour arrived for dinner, I decided to brazen it out.

He was already sitting down when I arrived in the Great Hall, and was drumming his fingers on the table in front of him. As I sat down beside him wordlessly I could feel his eyes boring into me. He said nothing. After a while, I said,

"You're staring at me."

"I'm trying to gauge your mood," he replied evenly.

I shot him a glance and said tonelessly,

"Why bother now? You haven't been bothered all afternoon!"

His eyes narrowed. He leaned over and put his mouth to my ear.

"Ella, have I done something to upset you? If I have, and if it warrants an apology, then I apologise, but let's just stop this silly game, shall we?"

Without acknowledging what he had said, I announced,

"I'm not hungry," and pushed away my plate. "I'm going to bed."

He followed me silently out of the Hall, and as I turned to go across to the main door, he grabbed my arm and said in a low voice,

"Our rooms are this way."

"They're your rooms, Severus. I'm only there by invitation"

"And the invitation still stands!" he said through gritted teeth, his eyes flashing angrily.

Unwillingly I let him lead me down the steps and, after I had made him release my arm, we walked in silence. Finally we entered his office and he turned to me and asked,

"Ella, what's going on? I don't understand this, and I don't like it!"

His anger had evidently begun to evaporate as we had made our way back to the dungeons, and I realised mine had too, because now I couldn't fail to be moved by the bewilderment in his voice. I crossed the room to him, putting my arms around his waist and burying my face in his chest. He hesitated, then put his arms around me, holding me tightly, stroking my hair and waiting for me to speak. I felt a familiar stirring of desire deep in my womb, and sank against him, unwilling and unable to fight it any longer for now. I sighed heavily and simply said,

"Just love me, Severus."

"You know I do...you ought to by now."

I squeezed my eyes tight shut and breathed him in. I loved him so much, what was wrong with me? Why did these awful thoughts keep plaguing me? He put his hands on my shoulders and looked down into my eyes, puzzled. He sighed deeply, and I let him lead me through to the bedroom without a word, let him undress me reverently, watched as he himself disrobed and stood before me, wanting him as much as he evidently wanted me.

I took a step towards him, drawn to him as surely as a magnet to metal, and was instantly enfolded, his strong arms around my waist, my head falling back so that he could nuzzle my neck, kissing and nipping my shoulder and the soft flesh above. I wound a stray lock of his hair around my fingers as my other hand caressed his back, letting the sensations course through my body, losing myself in my want for him. His arousal pressed against my abdomen, hot, hard, and I wrapped one leg around his thigh, rubbing against him, making him moan softly and pull me tighter to him. Clinging to one another we made our way to the bed, and fell on it. Severus' breathing was ragged now, and his tongue found my mouth, hungrily licking my parted lips before darting in and out. His hand cupped my breast and I arched my back, longing for the feel of his thumb across my nipple.

I sighed into his mouth, and returned his kiss. His hand left my breast then, and travelled down to the insides of my thighs, caressing me firmly, moving closer all the time. I couldn't bear it, and gripped his wrist to move his hand to the place I was desperate for it to be. He sighed as he found my wetness, and the palm of his hand cupped my mound and pressed insistently, making me cry out in shallow gasps. I gripped his shoulders to pull him over on to me. He came to me then, his own passion commanding no further delay, and I felt as if I would drown in him.

Wave after wave of pleasure crashed over me now, each one bringing me closer to release. With every movement I whimpered, my toes tingling, then my legs, my breasts, my whole body, until my explosion came at last, so powerfully that I felt I should never recover. As I convulsed, and my internal muscles contracted around him, I looked at him. He was beyond thought now, eyes closed, his ecstasy plain on his beloved face. I felt heat pour from him into me as he gasped out my name, and I drew his head down to my breast and waited for our trembling to subside.

Later, I had thought. Later, he'd ask me what had been wrong, and I'd either have to tell him, or I'd have to lie. But he didn't, and so I did neither.

Instead, over the next few weeks, I questioned him endlessly about his past. The scenes that Voldemort had shown me of when Severus was loyal to him now returned to me in my nightmares and spilled out from them into my waking life, eating away at me. I didn't stop to think of what my sudden interest was doing to Severus. In the beginning, when I would ask, he would sit down with me on the rug in front of the fire, and I would hold his hands as he talked through it. Haltingly, awkwardly, he would tell me of potions he had brewed, believing them to have been used for nefarious purposes, yes, he was anything but naive, but only realising the full extent and horror of what he had done when it was too late.

As time went on, and over a period of a few weeks, my questioning became more insistent, more accusing, and far more personal, and I grilled him about the particular potion that had killed my mother, my father, and my sister. I was so dogged that he would eventually lift pain filled eyes to mine and plead with me,

"For pity's sake, Ella, do we have to do this again? You know I'll be sorry for the rest of my life." and "I've led a ruined life until now, you know full well that you're my redemption, isn't that enough for you?"

It was never enough for me. My subconscious mind would not leave it alone. It festered within me and grew, along with his child in my womb.

I found myself snapping at him for no real reason, and he in turn would snap back waspishly.

"You liked the power trip when you were a Death Eater, didn't you? You miss it now."

"What?"

"That's why you're such a complete bastard to everyone."

"Ella..."

"No wonder all your students dislike you so..."

"Oh, for pity's sake, shut up! Stop going on and on and on - give me a break!"

"Don't talk to me like that!"

"Me talk to you like that?"

"I don't have to put up with this. You treat me like dirt sometimes, you really do."

"Hah! I nearly died for you, or have you forgotten that? No, I actually did die for you!"

"But you lived, to torment me, didn't you?"

Arguments like that would result in my storming out, back to my own rooms.

I took to using the emerald there to see what he would do after I had gone. He would pace up and down his room, and go to the bottle of whisky he kept in his office. Then he would sit in his armchair and drink, brooding into the flames. Sometimes my heart yearned for him, and I would go back, stealing in quietly, climbing on to his lap and burying my face in his neck, telling him "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry" until eventually he would relent and put his arms around me wordlessly.

On other occasions, I would examine every nuance of his expression, and when I was in such a frame of mind, I would see every twist of his mouth, every impatient frustrated gesture, as a sign of his duplicity.

Once, I watched him leave his rooms and head purposefully for the infirmary, rapping on the door of Madam Pomfrey's private rooms there, getting her out of bed. I watched as he paced up and down the empty ward, gesticulating wildly, greatly agitated, while Madam Pomfrey listened and tried to placate him. I knew he was talking to her about me, and convinced myself they were still plotting against me.

I would use the emerald during the day, too, in order to see what he did when I wasn't around. I was disturbed at the length of time he spent brewing his potions. Remus had enough Wolfsbane to last him for months, I knew, therefore Severus must, I reasoned, be doing something worthy of my suspicion. He became so absorbed in his work, I was convinced he must be doing something important to him, like ridding himself of his unwanted child in the most effective way he knew. Poison.

And as time went on he had become even more impatient than before with his students. Watching him teach, I was unable to hear his words, but realised to my horror that his menacing cruelty had begun to reduce some of his female students to tears. I never once stopped to wonder whether his bewilderment and frustration over my erratic behaviour was a contributing factor to his ever-worsening treatment of his students.

"I spied on you again today," I told him one February day, as I sat on a desk in his classroom.

"How diverting," he replied dryly, engrossed in a pile of marking.

"Actually, no," I said, wound up and spoiling for a fight. "I'm finding it all rather tedious now. All you seem to do is brew those damnable potions and terrorise your students!"

He placed his quill carefully on the desk, and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, then rubbed his eyes saying quietly,

"I am employed as a teacher at this school, Ella. I have many responsibilities, which include both making potions and making my students take their lessons seriously. Much as I would love to spend all day in bed with you, I...."

"This isn't about sex, Severus! The sex is great, mind-blowing, but this is about you! Us! Can't you just lighten up?"

He got to his feet and came over to me, putting one hand at each side of the desk, hemming me in, and said in a low, dangerous voice,

"It has never been about sex, Ella! You and I have never just 'had sex'! Don't belittle what we are to each other like this! But remember, I am who I am. You should not toy with me. You ought to be very well aware of my feelings for you, but that doesn't mean I'll let you abuse them, or me! Now, leave me to finish my work. I'll see you later."

I shrank from him, fearing the steely determination in his eyes. What did he mean by it? He straightened up and I glared at him, stalking out of the classroom without a backward glance.

I pondered his words as I walked slowly to my rooms. Don't toy with me, he had said. Was he threatening me? Of course he was, I already knew very well how he planned to get rid of my baby. Him and Madam Pomfrey. It was obviously only a matter of time before he showed his true colours. I resolved there and then that I had to get away, especially as I was fifteen weeks along and would soon begin to show, but to whom should I turn for help?

I was to find out at the Valentine's Ball.