Snape In Love

Chapter 9

...He was in his private storeroom, searching for ingredients. A book lay open beside him, the pages headed "Anti-Inflammatory Potions; A Potion to Negate the Effectes of Physickal Arousal". He threw several ingredients into a small cauldron, and I watched it bubble and spit. The last ingredient being added, Snape took the cauldron and strained it through a piece of muslin cloth in to a bowl, and thence in to several small vials. Three he put on the shelf; one he took into his private study, pouring it into one of the golden goblets set upon the sideboard. That done, he added wine to the goblet, looked at it intently for a few moments, then turned with a heavy sigh and returned to the store cupboard to lock it, before setting off for dinner.

When the mist cleared again, it was later that evening, but I was still in the classroom. I was not surprised to find Dumbledore there. I had realised that this was Snape's memory of our last encounter, at which I had been so horrified at his behaviour. Now I was beginning to understand why he had acted as he did.

"Is it done?" the headmaster asked.

"Yes," replied Severus, clenching his fists. His anxiety was etched on his face. "It's ready. I'll do it tonight. If she comes to me."

"Oh, she'll come to you Severus. I am certain of it, for she loves you." Dumbledore replied sadly.

"Why me, Albus? What does she see in me? I certainly don't deserve her," he said bitterly.

"Well, well, as usual you do yourself a disservice, my friend. But some things are meant to be. They are written in the moon and the stars. No matter what you do, your plan may yet fail."

"If it fails, then I fail us all. And Ella. I can't let that happen." Severus replied quietly.

"So be it. I'll be in my office later, Severus, if I am needed."

And, with resignation, Dumbledore got to his feet and left Snape alone.

Back in his private office, he paced up and down anxiously and when he heard my knock at the door, strode over and flung it open, taking my hand and leading me inside. My aura was glaring so brightly I could hardly look at myself, and the love and desire he felt for the me that stood before him overwhelmed me. I heard his words once more, and they amazed me now as much as they had had amazed me then;

"Believe me when I say this, Ella, you look beautiful tonight. You do every night"

I watched as he drew me into the embrace I remembered so well. I watched our kiss deepen, watched his lips travel down my neck, watched myself breathe his name, watched my hips push against his, and watched him break away from me at last. I felt his anguish as he strode over to the sideboard and gulped down the wine in a single draught, then turned to me and asked, "Why me? Why would you want me?" And I felt his despair when I replied,

"I'm falling in love with you, Severus."

Tears rolled down my cheeks unheeded as I watched the drama play out in front of me. He enfolded me in his arms so tenderly, caressing me, knowing exactly how to play me in order to bring my passion to a crescendo. When I was spent, I observed him stand up straight and look down at me. I could feel the pain in his heart as he knew what he had to do, and I noticed the physical effects that the potion he had drunk was starting to have on him.

I watched my other self caress his lifeless manhood, and knew that to him there was no feeling there, only a cold numbness that spread outwards from that area. His eyes, too, were numb, a curious sensation that called to my mind the effect of a local anaesthetic injected into each one. As I ceased my ministrations, and asked him what was wrong, I watched him reply and could feel his own cruel words cut into him like knives. The potion had numbed his body, not his heart, and he hated himself for the pain he was inflicting on me.

I wept, then, just as his memory of me wept on the floor at his feet. But this time, I was weeping for Severus and not for myself. I watched myself run from his chambers, then turned back to him to discover what had happened next.

He leant on the table, his head bowed, long dark locks obscuring his face. His body shook violently as the effects of the potion wore off, and his shoulders heaved. Then the sound came from deep inside him, from the pit of his stomach, a guttural growl that rose in pitch and intensity until it issued from his mouth in an agonised "Nooooo!" and he drove his fist down on to the table so hard that it shook, despite its solidity. Then, sagging, he crossed over to his chair and slumped into it, his left hand covering his eyes, as a single tear rolled down his cheek. Waves of sorrow engulfed me and washed me away, back into the mist. Falling backwards out of the Pensieve, I stumbled onto my bed, and lay there for a long while. "Severus," I whispered, "I think I understand now. But I still think you were wrong."

************************************************************

September gave way to October, and Severus did not return. Dumbledore had advised me not to owl him, in case my messages were intercepted, and he did not owl me for the same reason. Encoding a message was considered too much of a risk, and so I was unable to send him any words of encouragement, or of love. I had to content myself with the knowledge that he was still able to send brief messages to Dumbledore, so that I knew he was all right. And, of course, I had the Pensieve. I visited him there daily, studying every line on his face, every contour of his naked body, standing so close to him that we would have touched, was I able to do so. I yearned for him, and loved him more each day. Sirius and Remus were keen that I should not spend too much time in there, however.

"You need to get on with your life, Ella," said Remus earnestly one day. "It isn't healthy to spend so much time in there. And besides, what will you have to talk to him about when he comes back?"

"Plenty, believe me!" I laughed.

"Oh come on, Remus, it'll be a while before they do any talking!" joked Sirius, continuing, "Not that he ever says that much anyway."

"We've spent hours talking!" I protested.

"Yeah, about work, I bet!"

"Well, mostly, I suppose...not that it has anything to do with you, Sirius!" I added, punching him on the shoulder playfully. "I just wish he'd come home..."

The evenings were drawing in as Autumn progressed, and I took to spending the half hour before dinner at the top of the Astronomy tower, looking out across the rolling countryside and watching the sun set, and twilight encroach on the fields. I would gaze into the distance, fancying that if I just looked hard enough I would see him.

"I really should stop mooning about like this, " I thought to myself as I walked around the battlements at the top of the tower until I could see Hogsmeade in the distance. "Heh, what would Severus think if he knew?" And I imagined him standing before me, hands on hips, saying acidly,

"Don't you have anything better to do, woman? Clearly my absence is not good for your concentration, is it?"

I smiled wistfully, and then noticed a large black dog running pell-mell towards Hogsmeade. I frowned. What was Sirius doing? I shrugged, deciding he must be working up an appetite for dinner, and turned away, descending the spiral staircase and heading down to the Great Hall. As I took my place I noticed that both the seats flanking Severus' empty one were also unoccupied. Sirius had evidently not returned yet, and Lupin was missing too. I felt vaguely uneasy. Remus was usually ravenous at this time of the month, and it wasn't like him to be late for a meal.

After about half an hour, when I had finished toying with my main course, the double oak doors of the Great Hall were flung open, to reveal Remus and Sirius, standing breathless and bowed while they supported between them the almost lifeless form of Severus Snape.