Hermione's Diary

Chapter 4

Seventh Year Spring Term

Monday January 3

I can't sleep. I just can't sleep! I hate this room now, because he isn't here. And unless he manages to get an Invisibility cloak to get him into Gryffindor Tower, he never will be!

Oh, now I know what Ella meant! She did tell me what a huge step I was taking, and how once we'd started we'd find it difficult to stop! Oh, but I'm still glad I didn't listen to her. The last week has been so perfect, so wonderful. I spent every night in Remus' bed, and a good part of every day, too. Making love, making more love. And now term's started again and I can't sneak around at night any more, and besides, he's told me that he's been far too unprofessional already and we mustn't be together in term time. I hate his reasoned, sound, logical arguments! I told him that if he was using logic, then logic would dictate that the countless times we've made love ought to see me through the next ten or so weeks, so why did I already feel so desperate for him? He just laughed ruefully and told me he wished it worked like that because he felt just the same. Some small comfort, I suppose, to know that he's aching for me just as I am for him. And he was so damn professional in our tutorial today! Sirius was even in the next room all the time, popping his head in every now and then. Really, I'm surprised at Remus, feeling he needs a chaperone! Maybe he does...but what does he think I could do to him, given half a chance? Oh, Hermione, stop it! I mustn't get all het up. On the other hand, it might be that he doesn't trust himself...oh, there I go again! I just can't stop thinking about his body against mine.

Tuesday February 8

Ella cancelled our morning coffee today. Again. She's been acting really strangely recently, and she still hasn't told Professor Snape about the baby. He looks miserable most of the time - well, still an improvement on this time last year, but things certainly aren't as good between them as they were at Christmas. I'm worried about them. She's been so distant lately and to be honest, I've been so wrapped up in Remus, and trying to damp down my passion for him, as well as studying for my NEWTS, that I think I've neglected her, and now I feel like she's shutting me out.

Monday February 14

I was so looking forward to dancing with Remus at tonight's Valentine's Ball, but we'd only just taken to the floor when something truly awful happened. Snape and Sirius had a fight right in the middle of the Great Hall. Luckily when all the furore started Remus and I were just passing them, and just as Snape was about to hex Sirius I managed to grab his wand out of his hand. He was furious, and then he punched Sirius and broke his nose. I've never, ever seen Snape so out of control, it was even worse than that time in the Shrieking Shack four years ago. Dumbledore was livid and took him and Ella up to his office at once. Ella looked so upset. Then when they'd gone, everyone was whispering about them.

Remus took Sirius to the Infirmary with Madam Pomfrey, and I didn't see him again for hours. I just had to sit with Harry and Ron and pretend everything was okay. I mean, they all know I'm friendly with Ella, but they don't realise how close we are, and how much we've confided in one another.

I saw Remus later and he told me Sirius was fine, then I tried to see Ella but she wouldn't answer the door. Well, I had to do something, so I went to the dungeons with Remus. He was worried too. Snape was scary. He was beside himself with rage, although I think most of it was really grief. He had an empty bottle of firewhisky in his hand, and he was ranting and raving about her, about how dare I go to him and mention her name, and how badly she was treating him and he didn't know why. Then he started muttering about how he never deserved her anyway after what he'd done - oh, he was rambling on so much I think he only half realised we were still there! Anyway, she'd left her emerald behind, her Christmas present from him, and he thrust it into my hands and told me to give it to her. Then he glared at us, swaying slightly, and told us to get out of his sight!

We didn't need telling twice. He was unhinged! I've forgiven him, though, not that he'd care. It's obvious how much he loves her, and she's been so odd lately. I'm worried about them both, it shouldn't be like this.

Tuesday February 15

Well, I finally got to see Ella, for all the good it did. She wouldn't let me in but at least she answered the door eventually. She was so cold, acting like she didn't trust me as far as she could throw me, and after all that we've been through together, too. Anyway, I gave her the box with the emerald in. I told her Snape wanted her to have it, and her eyes filled with tears and then she rubbed them away and went all cold.

I hope she comes back. Somehow, I don't think she will, and the thought chills me. And Remus and Sirius have gone to the Shrieking Shack for a couple of days, Remus likes to go every so often, says it keeps him sane the rest of the time if he can just let go every now and then, so I can't even talk to him about all this!

Wednesday March 1

Ugh. I got an official owl from the Ministry of Magic at breakfast this morning. So did Harry, and Remus, Sirius and Snape, and Dumbledore. The date for Malfoy's trial has been set, and we all have to attend to give evidence. My heart sank when I saw it, and I felt really sick. I'm dreading it. I looked across to Remus at the staff table and he looked deadly serious, but he tried to smile at me to comfort me.

And as for Snape, well, he was ashen. His face was literally grey, and he looked as if he was going to be ill. Ella will have had a letter too. She'll have to come back, and Snape must know that. He'll have to see her, and I don't think he'll want to face her, judging by his reaction. Not in front of anybody anyway. He's been positively dreadful these past two weeks. Full of simmering rage. Unbearable in all his classes, so I've heard.

So many students have come to me and asked me to intercede, as Head Girl. So, I went to see him about it last night, to try to get him to rescind some of the detentions he's set, sort of to appeal to his better nature. Hah! And what better nature would that be? He wouldn't even let me in and he even deducted ten points from Gryffindor for my cheek and let me know in no uncertain terms that I was lucky it wasn't more! And after this morning's owls, there is NO way I'm going to go back and try again.

Ella will HAVE to come to the trial. I've heard that if a witness in a trial doesn't show up, the Ministry sends Aurors after them immediately and forces them to apparate to the phone box. And then once the lift has taken them down to the Ministry itself, they're in big trouble for wasting Ministry time.

I couldn't finish my breakfast and when we all stood up to begin filing out of the Hall, Remus came over to Harry and me and said we were excused from our Transfiguration class so that we could attend a short meeting in the staff room. He looked very serious and I wanted to hug him but I couldn't, not in front of everybody. Anyway, Harry and I met him again outside the Great Hall and he held my hand as we went to the staff room. I told him how scared I was and he raised it to his mouth and kissed it and told me he'd be with me every step of the way.

Snape was already there when we went inside, standing against one of the bookshelves, leaning on it with his arms folded. He glared at me when I looked over, and I had to look away, but not before I could see something in his eyes. He looked anguished. He was very tense, for all that he was standing so casually.

I think the meeting was for my benefit and Harry's, really. We talked about practicalities, like when we'd need to arrive in London and staying in the Leaky Cauldron overnight the night before, but then Professor Dumbledore began to explain to us what form the trial would take, where we would have to sit before and after giving evidence, stuff like that which the others presumably knew already. Especially poor Sirius - he must be absolutely dreading going back into that courtroom! Harry didn't look too happy either; he says he's seen it before in Dumbledore's pensieve and it's really creepy.

Remus asked about Ella at one point and Dumbledore explained that she, too, would have had her letter today but that she would be making her own arrangements. At the mention of her name Snape, who had hardly said a single word since we went in, pushed himself away from the bookshelves impatiently, and strode over to the window. He stood looking out, with his back to everyone, and he didn't move until after Remus had tried to talk to him. Then he stormed out, and I didn't see him again for ages.

Wednesday March 15

Well, we're here, in the Leaky Cauldron. I have a room to myself. I wanted Remus to visit me tonight but he said he couldn't. The Headmaster has told us that we're in the middle of a school term and so even though we aren't within school grounds, normal school rules must apply. So that means no sneaking around at night. And, worse still, Remus has to double up with Snape. Sirius and Harry are sharing too. Ella hasn't arrived yet, but Dumbledore says she is staying here.

Thursday March 16

She's here. I don't know how she got to her room unnoticed, but she was there when I knocked just now. She looked dreadful. She looked like she'd hardly slept, and she was terrified. I tried to make her feel better, but after a while she just seemed as if she wanted to get rid of me. She kept looking over my shoulder, probably checking for Snape, and when I told her he'd waited up all night for her in the bar in case she went downstairs she went really pale and her eyes filled with tears. Oh, she still loves him, I know she does, but I don't know why she seems so scared of him! Not that he's everyone's idea of a Prince Charming, but they were happy, and it wasn't that long ago!

Oh dear. Time to go to the Ministry.

***

We're back home. At Hogwarts, I mean. It was an awful experience! Malfoy got sent to Azkaban but he didn't go quietly. And I'm starting at the end instead of the beginning! I'm so glad Remus was with me. He's so strong and so caring, and I really needed him today and he was there for me. And Harry and Sirius were glad to have one another too, I could tell. It's nice they get on so well together. I wonder if Harry reminds Sirius of James. I suppose he must do, he looks just like him. And he treats Harry more like a partner in crime than a godson.

And as for Ella and Snape - well, they really really needed each other today. Trouble is, every time he went near her she shrank from him! Then again, he wasn't especially nice to her. He really should try to be a bit more friendly. For such an intelligent man, you'd think he'd have the sense to put that silky voice of his to better use with her now. She told me once what it does to her.

So anyway, he was already there when we arrived and Ella went all faint. Her blood pressure's shot right up. I was quite worried about her. I just wish they'd talk, I'm sure they could work it out if they weren't so weird around each other! He collared her on the way to the courtroom but he didn't get anywhere - pretty hopeless timing in his part, mind you. And then she was the first to floo back to the Leaky Cauldron when it was all over, and he shoved past us all so that he could follow her, but by the time we got back he'd gone and she was in tears again, saying she was leaving at once.

I tried to talk to her but Sirius was the only one she'd let anywhere near her. I don't know what's wrong with the rest of us, I'm sure, but pregnant and hormonal or not, she's really upset me. I thought we were friends. And I miss her.

Monday March 20

Snape didn't travel back to Hogwarts with us last night, but he was back by the time we had Potions this afternoon. Today's tally was seventy points from Gryffindor and forty from Slytherin. He must be feeling particularly venomous to deduct points from his own House, and none of us are incompetent, or we wouldn't even be taking Potions at NEWT level!

I do feel very sorry for him, though. I know how he feels. Well, I don't, but I can imagine. Everyone's been muttering about him and complaining, and I have to try to set an example for the school but still be one of them, and represent them, and at the same time I have to liaise with the teachers and quite frankly however horrid he is, I know him better than my classmates do, through what Ella's told me, ands I wish I could tell them to lay off! Argh! I'm not even making any sense. I need to talk to Remus, I feel like my head's going to explode and I'll never get to sleep tonight. Our next tutorial isn't until next week.

Tuesday March 21

I think I might ask Harry if I can borrow his cloak. I really need Remus. I haven't been able to sleep the last four nights, and I can't concentrate on my homework properly.

***********************

Oh, I could kill Harry! And Remus too! How dare they conspire like that? I though Harry was my friend!

He wouldn't lend me the cloak. He says Remus asked him not to. How dare he go involving Harry in our relationship? What an awful position to put him in, it has absolutely nothing to do with him! And he's supposed to be my best friend! Oh, I don't know which one of the pair of them I'm more annoyed with!

Harry says Remus was emphatic that he didn't want us to go behind Dumbledore's back. Rules are rules. And Harry repeated his words parrot fashion. Honestly, when have rules mattered so much to him? Certainly not when he's sneaking into Ginny's dorm and using silencing charms on her bed! And ass for Remus, well, I thought he'd be a little more understanding. I needed to be with him! It was such a horrid, horrid day. We need not have done anything!

I've calmed down now. Harry came to see me just now. I suppose they're right. But I don't like people knowing better than me. It doesn't sit well with me, I freely admit it.

I've forgiven Harry. He was in a difficult position. But I am SO going to make Remus suffer now. Harry says he was maybe afraid of losing control...well, I'll give him jolly good reason to lose control, and then I'll leave him frustrated. I've watched Lavender string boys along, batting her eyelashes and wiggling her hips. I'm sure I can do something along those lines to Remus. Be the succulent, ripe fruit that he's forbidden to touch. And I might very well enjoy making him suffer!

Am I being very immature? No, I don't think so.

Wednesday March 22

I have been a very, very naughty Head Girl! And it felt so good! I went to see Remus at morning break today. I ran all the way to his office so that I could have as much time with him as possible. I asked why he'd felt the need to involve Harry and, more to the point, I told him I'd needed him, needed his company, and I asked him why he didn't credit me with the intelligence and maturity to know what the boundaries were and to stick to them. And then once he'd apologised, I pushed those boundaries as far as I dared - to their absolute limits!

I unfastened my cloak and let it just fall to the floor behind me. He was sitting in his chair by the fire, and I stood in front of him with my hands on my hips so that my blouse strained across my chest. Oh, and I'd left my bra off, too (Thanks, Lavender!). I noticed him lick his lips nervously as he looked up at them - he didn't know what I was going to do.

I stood right in front of him, closer, and I was so pleased he had his hands on his knees. His legs were apart, and before he could move I straddled one of them, trapping his hand. I'd charmed my knickers off on the way to his office, and just being in the same room as him always makes me flood, especially when he looks at me with those gorgeous soft grey-blue eyes, so I certainly gave him a shock. His eyes widened as I began to rub myself up and down on his hand and he felt my wetness, and the knuckles of his index finger were directly on me so that with every move I made they stimulated me. Gods, it felt so wonderful I nearly came right then, and I felt so powerful too because he was gasping for breath and saying my name. Before long I had to grip his arm, and not just to stop him from moving it away from under me. I noticed he was very excited too, so I let my left hand brush over the bulge that was straining at the front of his trousers. He moaned as it twitched, and I held the head of it gently with my fingers and rubbed through his trousers until I felt the dampness of his excitement. I looked down at it then, gave it a last teasing stroke, and stood up. I was breathless and my legs were very wobbly indeed (I think I prefer my orgasms lying down, thank you very much!) but I was determined to teach him a lesson. The poor love, I feel so mean now! So I smiled, and thanked him for being SO understanding, and that he was quite right that we shouldn't break any rules, and I left him staring after me, almost speechless. I don't think "But - but - " counts as speech really, does it?

And he had a class to teach straight after, too.

Tuesday March 28

Long faces are everywhere I look at the moment, even in the mirror! Harry and Ron are finally beginning to panic about the NEWTS and wondering what to do next year. Remus and I are feeling the strain of being apart. And I know he's also very worried about Snape, who's like a black rain cloud storming around the castle thundering at everyone. He's so full of rage, even worse since the trial, and no-one can reason with him. I think he's really, really grieving. I wonder what he'd do if he found out she was pregnant? I keep wondering whether or not I should tell him. I'm the only one here who knows, apart from Madam Pomfrey and professionally speaking she can't. Confidentiality and all that. But then I think that Dumbledore's bound to know because he knows everything that goes on here, and so if he knows and hasn't told Snape, there must be a reason...oh, I don't know. Maybe I need to speak to Dumbledore about this myself. Sirius is miserable too, Remus says it's because he's worried about Ella.

Thursday March 30

I went to see Professor Dumbledore today. I didn't quite know how to broach the subject with him. We sat down and he conjured some iced pumpkin juice and some fairy cakes, with lovely little flapping wings made out of spun sugar. I just had to come straight out with it. I told him I was worried about Professor Snape and that Madam Pomfrey and I both knew something that might help the situation. He just looked serious and told me he feared that it wouldn't help at all. He knew Ella was pregnant, of course. I knew he would. I asked him why he didn't tell Snape so that he could go after her and bring her home, but he said that that was precisely why he wouldn't tell Snape, and he forbade me to as well. He said that for Snape to go after Ella now would do more harm than good, and that she had to come around in her own time. I argued, and said that surely a little push in the right direction would help, but then he got very serious indeed and told me no-one could interfere with what was ordained, and that events had to play out exactly as the moon and the stars foretold. He sounded so portentous, and I felt a shiver run along my spine. And then he leaned forward and peered at me over the top of his spectacles as he said that he hoped what I knew wouldn't go any further. I knew he meant Remus, and it's so difficult to keep it from him when he's so worried. But Dumbledore says he trusts me to do the right thing. Ugh. I hate it when he does that, he's so persuasive.

Sunday April 2

Sirius has gone to Beauxbatons. He says he's fed up with everyone being so passive, and someone should go and see how Ella's doing. I wonder why Dumbledore didn't try to stop him? Maybe it's because Sirius doesn't know why Ella left so isn't going with the intention of forcing her to come home? I think he wants to know why she left, and I think he likes her too. He's a real ladies' man, though, and I'm sure Ella doesn't see him in that way. Still, if he can help her, maybe she'll decide to come home.

Snape, of course, was completely foul today. Remus told me he's mad with jealousy because Sirius has gone to Ella. Honestly, you'd think he'd go after her himself, especially now that Sirius has gone! He hates Sirius. I asked Remus why on earth Snape doesn't fight for her, why he won't go? Remus says Snape feels he doesn't deserve love anyway, especially not hers, and that's why; but if he means because of the poisoning, then she knew that anyway and accepted it already.

I don't understand any of it. I just wish it wasn't happening.