Hermione's Diary

This is one of two companion pieces I am writing to complement my novel 'Snape In Love'. Since I chose to write 'Snape In Love' in the first person, I found after I had finished that there was more I wanted to say, about how Snape and Hermione viewed the events covered in the two year time span of the plot. Both are, I am afraid, 'alternate universe' stories since they do not take account of certain events that occurred in Order of the Phoenix. Although I am writing them after Book 5's publication, 'Snape In Love' was written well before, and so they must conform to that story and not canon.

This is Hermione's record of events in diary form, and it describes the blossoming of her relationship with Remus Lupin and how it was shaped by the events in the main story. As such, I strongly recommend you read 'Snape In Love first, otherwise parts of this may seem a little confusing or sketchy.

You may notice that this diary is written in a style far removed from my own. I have tried to recreate the tone, if not the content, of my own late teenage diaries, combined with Hermione's innate bossiness and, I hope, a little humour.

Snape In Love; Hermione's Diary

By Rickfan37

Chapter 1

Sixth Year

Wednesday September 17

I miss Professor Snape!

Good grief. Did I really just write that? Sirius, or should I say Professor Black, is one of the most disorganised teachers we've ever had. His lessons are okay, and everyone else seems to prefer him to Snape, even though they're still a bit in awe of him, but when I go into the storeroom it's as if he's deliberately put a Confundus charm on it, I can't find a thing! It hasn't taken him long to completely mess up Snape's system. He'll be livid when he comes back.

Friday September 12

Rumours are flying thick and fast about Snape. Some people can be so stupid. They keep saying he got one of his potions wrong and turned into a bat - as if that would ever happen! Harry told me the real reason. He's with Voldemort, trying to find out what his latest master plan is. And as much as I dislike Snape, I have to admire him for that. Putting himself in danger for years on end. It can't do a lot for his temper.

We had DADA again today. I'm glad Professor Lupin's here again this year. Maybe we'll actually learn something in class, instead of relying on Harry's clandestine meetings. And I'm glad it's him. I always liked Professor Lupin.

Monday September 15

Snape's back. He was at breakfast this morning, looking dreadful. I'd love to know what he was up to. And I'd hate to be Sirius Black today!

I really enjoyed Lupin's lesson today. And he has such a warm smile. Sort of gentle.

Thursday September 18

The archivist was bitten by a snake last night, in the Forbidden Forest. Professor Snape found her and carried her back to the school. And she isn't in the Infirmary, so Lavender Brown says she must be with him, in the dungeons! She and Parvati keep going on about how romantic it was. Honestly, what's so romantic about nearly dying? They're all so immature. I mean, it was Snape! They started talking about which teacher they'd like to carry them up the lawn and save them from certain death. They all went for the obvious choice, of course. They don't seem to be at all put off by Sirius Black's lack of organisational skills. No-one actually chose Snape, for obvious reasons, even though he's the unlikely hero of the piece. I was just surprised no-one chose Lupin. Apart from me, that is, and I refused to join in. I don't want to be accused of having a crush on a teacher.

Sometimes I feel so alone. Nobody understands me, apart from Harry and Ron, and I can't talk to them about girl stuff.

Friday September 19

MY BIRTHDAY

I'm seventeen now. Seventeen going on twenty seven, I think. Sometimes it's hard to believe I'm the same age as the rest of my year, give or take a few months. I mean, really, all the uproar about that Miss Redemte. The poor woman must be mortified, AND he's kept her in his own room! Ugh, talk about having an incentive to get well!

Mrs Weasley sent me a very nice knitted cardigan for my birthday, and she says she's knitting me a jumper to match, for Christmas. Harry and Ron got me a book, 'A History Of Flight', all about brooms through the ages. I would have appreciated the thought more if they hadn't been sniggering so obviously as I unwrapped it. Mum and Dad sent me a lovely big bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk - I do miss it - and loads of makeup, don't know why. I ought to tell them I can create whatever effect I want with magic, but I just don't have the heart to. Oh, and they say they're going to pay for all my Muggle driving lessons, now I'm of age! Although I'll have to wait for the holidays. Cars are much nicer than broomsticks, in my opinion, and it's a useful Muggle skill to have.

Wednesday October 15

I met Miss Redemte today. Funny how she should be working in the library so much and yet I've never once bumped into her before. Ron and I were talking to Sirius and Professor Lupin at the Quidditch match, and she was with them. She seems nice, if a little distracted. I got the feeling she was waiting for someone, and I'm sure she's got a thing for Professor Snape! I saw her watching him go up the stairs. Must be because he saved her life. Weird, though.

And Gryffindor won today! Harry caught the snitch and wiped the smile off Malfoy's face. Arrogant little toe rag. How he ever got to be a prefect is beyond me. And if I have to put up with any more of his insufferable comments at our weekly Prefects meetings I'll hex him from here into next year. Anyway, the match was great, as Quidditch matches go.

Saturday December 13

I found Ella crying in the library today. Snape had been on his way out when I arrived and his face was downright scary. He just barked at me to get out of his way, but he looked really upset. Then, as I was on my way to the Advanced Transfiguration section to get 'From Fireflies To Furnaces', I heard someone crying. It sounded awful, not little sniffles but the sound of someone trying to stifle heartrending sobs. It was her, and she was sitting on the floor with her head in her hands. I made the connection at once, of course. It was so obvious. He must have been really horrid to her to make her cry like that, especially when she's not used to him. I tried to help, but I think I made her feel a bit awkward. After all, she's so much older than me, not very much younger than Remus Lupin, really. Funny how his age doesn't matter to me. But I told her she'd be good for him. I don't know why, it just seemed like the right thing to say. I know how she feels. I've begun to feel the same way about Remus, and I hate it. But I can't stop thinking about him.

Tuesday December 16

Harry's asked Ginny to the Yule Ball! She went bright red! She's liked him for so long! I think Ron's going to ask me. I suppose I'll have to say yes. The one and only person I want to go with couldn't ask me anyway, even if he wanted to, which he doesn't. I wish I could meet someone new. Someone more mature than the boys here. Someone who isn't my teacher! I wonder if he'll ask me to dance with him at the ball? Maybe I could ask him, without it looking too obvious. I'll have to check when the full moon is, because knowing my luck he won't even be at the ball.

Friday December 19

The Yule Ball was okay. Apart from one dance, which was wonderful!

It's half past midnight and I've only just managed to get away from Ron. He kept wanting to kiss me. I wish I could say I enjoyed it, but I was thinking of someone else the whole time. Oh, what a horrid thing to admit, but it's true.

I tried to look as grown up as I could. I wore my best dark red dress robes and I used the Anti-frizz charm on my hair, so it fell into shiny ringlets over my shoulders. Harry and Ron were pretty impressed, and even Seamus told me I didn't look half bad. Remus was there, sitting with Sirius, so after the banquet, when the long tables were transformed into smaller round ones, Harry, Ron, Ginny and I went over to their table. I don't know why we bothered, because they hardly sat down all night. All the seventh year girls kept asking them to dance. I danced with Ron, of course, but my feet could only take so much being stamped on so I partnered Neville and Harry too, just for a rest. Anyway, while Neville and I were dancing he noticed Remus was with a seventh year Hufflepuff he likes, so when we drew level with them Neville cut in! I couldn't believe what I was seeing, but then Neville really has come out of himself in the last couple of years. So, we swapped partners and suddenly I was dancing with Remus! Exactly what I've spent the last couple of weeks dreaming about, and I was so nervous and tongue-tied I could hardly string a coherent sentence together! He must have wondered what on earth was wrong with me. I felt stupid and silly and immature, and every time he spoke to me I could feel myself blushing.

But despite my uselessness, dancing with him was the best time I've ever had at a Hogwarts ball. I know it sounds strange, but I could feel his strength through his clothes. I had my left hand on his shoulder and my right in his hand, and his other hand was on my waist. I wished we could have danced a little closer but then the thought of more or less hugging him, because that's what it would have been like, in the middle of a crowded dance floor and in front of all my teachers, was just too embarrassing. It didn't last long until the song was over, but he said,

"Let's do the next one, too, but then I'll need some pumpkin juice!"

His eyes were so smiley and warm, but I couldn't bear to look into them for too long. Sometimes I just want to cry. It's not fair. I don't want to feel so much for someone who'll never know it, or return it.

After that dance, we sat down, but Ron came back and sat right next to me, and Harry and Ginny too, and soon Remus was dancing again.

Kissing Ron was quite nice, I suppose. Sort of friendly, and nice. I could get used to it.

Wednesday December 17

Ella's gone! It all happened very suddenly, the official line is that she finished her cataloguing early and decided to get settled in at Durmstrang before Christmas, but that's got to be rubbish. Viktor told me all about the place, and it sounds horrid. And besides, Hagrid told us he took her into Hogsmeade yesterday morning and she was crying again. That evil git Snape drove her to it, it's pretty obvious to me. And to think, I was almost starting to think he might be human!

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Monday April 15

I'm writing this in my bedroom at home. Mum and Dad are outside at the front gate, I can hear them talking to Mr Wallis from next door. Private dental plans, how fascinating.

I miss school. I don't know why, because this last term has been unbearable. I should have grown out of this stupid crush by now, but I can't stop looking at Remus' photo. I love his eyes. They're so soft and kind, such a lovely greyish blue. And I love his soft, wavy hair. He's only forty something, but he's going grey at the temples...I like it, though, it suits him. But it's been awful, having classes with him twice a week, and seeing him with Harry, Ron and Sirius. I can feel myself going all gooey inside, and I don't want Harry and Ron to notice. Not after that stupid crush I had on Professor Lockhart in second year. I'd never live it down.

It's so hard to concentrate in class. All I can do is watch him, every twinkle of his eye, every movement - and even his reprimands are said kindly. And his laughter's so infectious, I have to stop myself grinning goofily all the time.

I wish I could tell someone about this! Mum would just worry - or dismiss it and tell me I'll grow out of it, which would be even worse. Professor McGonagall likes me, but she's so stern, and I could never look her in the eye again. And there's no way I can tell anyone else at school my own age. Not even Ginny.

I think I'll have to go and see Professor Dumbledore and ask him if I can stop taking the DADA classes. I can't imagine studying for my NEWTS next year under Lupin. Oh, unfortunate turn of phrase! Damn it! I feel too distracted, I'm totally stressed out.

Tuesday May 12

I saw the Headmaster today. I decided to tell him I wanted to do a thesis relevant to DADA, instead of going to classes, and the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. He saw straight through me, I'm sure, but he agreed! He says I'm more than capable of doing well in the final exam anyway, and the thesis will give me any extra credit I need. And he says my ability to self motivate has never been in doubt! I am so relieved. He did say I'd have to have regular tutorials with Remus, so that he can keep an eye on my progress, but I'll be able to deal with that. I feel so much better now. Except, my passion for him (yes, passion!) still hasn't waned. It just grows, every day.

Thursday June 18

I had to tell Ron today that I wasn't interested in him in that way any more. Oh, I was last year, when he was too shy to do anything about it and I was too much of a hopeless romantic to take matters into my own hands, but then I saw Remus, really saw him, and that was it, really. Ron's quite upset, and I feel terrible. I know he'll get over it, but I still feel like a complete cow. I mean, I never led him on...or at least, I tried not to, and I think he always knew deep down that our relationship was a little one-sided...but I think he rather wanted us to make the ideal foursome with Harry and Ginny. And I can see why, because it was fun, and convenient...but life tends to be a little more complicated than that. And I want more. I want passion, I want to be swept away by desire, I want to be adored, worshipped, protected. I want to be allowed to feel the way I do about Remus.

Saturday June 20

Remus caught me looking at him at breakfast today and he smiled so warmly I blushed from top to toe. I felt so stupid, I bet I was looking really goofy. I must stop doing it!

Tuesday June 23

Remus came up to me this morning on his way to the staff table. He told me he wants to see me tomorrow afternoon about my thesis for next year. I lost my appetite completely after that. Remus never loses his appetite. He always eats as if he's ravenous. I suppose he would, really, having the metabolism of a werewolf. He must burn it all up immediately. He's so wiry, I bet he has loads of muscles. And he's really strong. He could probably pick me up without even thinking about it.

I keep remembering Snape striding across the lawns with Ella. That incident has become a legend in our dormitory. I still don't join in, but I live it over and over in my head, with Remus and me. Remus and me.

Wednesday June 24

I felt sick all day today. I am so, so stupid and immature, how could he ever be interested in a silly little schoolgirl like me? I'm only seventeen, he must be almost twenty five years older than me! He's old enough to be my father. I would just die if he knew how I felt!

Anyway, the meeting went well, I suppose. I told him what I wanted to do, and he said we'd work out a timetable, and a way of measuring what I'm doing. He agreed with what I had planned, but he gave it more of a structure, and we agreed an outcome.

He's still wearing those really threadbare grey robes, and he has a little patch at the back of his left shoulder. It's coming loose and I kept wanting to press it back into place.

He told me, after term ends he won't be my teacher any more. He'll be my tutor. I wonder why he told me that? It seemed significant to him. Oh, maybe I'm reading too much into it. Wishful thinking. He'll still be forbidden fruit, and for so many reasons. Thing is, he'll still make my heart do flips, too.

Monday July 27

I'm Head Girl! I got my owl this morning, it's brilliant, Mum and Dad are so proud!

Oh God, I've just had an awful thought. What if Draco Malfoy's Head Boy? Oh, how can I find out?

And, as if that wasn't enough, I passed my driving test today as well! Ron's going to be SO impressed!

Tuesday August 18

Home at last. Mum ad Dad took me to Italy again, for three weeks. I didn't even take this journal with me. I decided to try to put Remus Lupin out of my mind completely. I should have known better.

The holiday was great. We did Rome, Naples, Amalfi, Capri - and I even met someone. We were based in Sorrento, he was a Muggle, an English student spending a year travelling Europe. He took me to Pompeii one day, and kissed me in the ruins of the Villa of the Mysteries under a blazing sun. I tried, I really tried to like him, but I couldn't shake off memories of Hogwarts. I ended up seeing him nearly every day for the last two weeks of our holiday. Mum and Dad didn't mind. We swapped email addresses but I won't be keeping in touch. I told him I was at boarding school and would be short of time. I didn't tell him we don't have computers, he'd think it was a pretty primitive place if I did! And it isn't, it's the most wonderful place in the world. Because he's there.