Hermione's Diary

Chapter 3

Seventh Year Christmas

Friday December 18

Remus loves me! He told me! I can hardly believe it! It was so horrid, what Ella and I went through, but now it's all over and I know he loves me, and I feel so happy!

I don't know where to start, but I have to write it all down because I never want to forget how it all happened. And I can't write about the nice part without including the nasty part, because I suppose if it hadn't happened he might never have told me!

Three days ago I went with Ella to get some supplies for Snape's store cupboard. He needed firecracker weeds, and Professor Sprout said we'd need to go to the Forbidden Forest to look for some, as she'd run out. Malfoy's father was there, and he knocked me out. When I came to, Ella and I were somewhere else, somewhere Voldemort had created and outside of time. It was a rocky, barren plateau, and Mr Malfoy had manacled us to a rock face. It was awful, I can't remember much of the start of it because I had concussion, and it's probably better that way. But Voldemort was there, and he was gross. I never knew what pure evil looked like before, but it wears his face. He made me watch images of Remus turning into a vicious werewolf. He knew how I felt about him, I don't know how. And all I could think was, I love him, I love him, and I kept screaming it out. I think he wanted to break me but I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction. I don't remember much else for a while - being hit with Cruciatus twice can have that effect!

I found out later that Voldemort had told Ella that Snape made the poison that killed her family! By the time I came round again, Voldemort was playing with Nagini and then Remus and Snape appeared, with Harry, Dumbledore and Sirius. It was awful. Voldemort told Ella she was pregnant, and he ripped it out of her magically and showed it to her, and then hurled it over the edge of the plateau...oh, it was awful, she was miscarrying, in front of Snape and everybody. Snape was beside himself, and he tried to kill Voldemort but it rebounded and killed him instead! And suddenly Remus was dead too, and Sirius, and the Headmaster, and only Harry was left. Voldemort disappeared, Harry overpowered him somehow, so there were only the three of us left. I felt so hopeless. I had no idea what to do, I just wished I'd died too, and Ella was just broken. Thank goodness Harry was there with his wits about him, because he remembered the Time Turner. It had never even crossed my mind. And really, although I was worried it wouldn't work, I could kick myself for not thinking of it at once. It was so obvious.

So, Ella and I went back to try again. She got Snape's wand before he could try to kill Nagini, so this time Voldemort never got as far as telling Ella she was pregnant. Then all of them used their power to support Harry, and they sent Voldemort's essence screaming into the rock again, and Professor Dumbledore had a Portkey that took us straight to the Hospital Wing.

And that's the horrid part over with. I never, ever want to go through anything like that again. Even though it brought Remus and me together. When Voldemort disappeared for the second time and we were left standing there on the plateau, Remus hugged me so fiercely I couldn't breathe. I was sobbing, because I'd seen him die, and now here he was, holding me as if he never wanted to let me go. I wrapped my arms around his waist and I hugged him back as we used the tea cosy Portkey. I didn't want to let go of him, and he didn't want me to. Madam Pomfrey checked me over and gave me a Dreamless Sleep Potion so that I could rest.

He was the last thing I saw before I went to sleep, and the first thing I saw when I woke up. He was holding my hand and when I opened my eyes he was smiling at me. He helped me sit up, and when he touched me I tingled. We looked at each other and then I just couldn't help it, I flung my arms around his neck, and he hugged me back! He said,

"I'm so glad you're safe!" Sigh. I remember everything we said, I'll never forget it. He told me how worried he'd been, and when he saw me with my face covered in blood he'd been scared of losing me! And he said he wanted me to know how he felt, but by then I could hear a catch in his throat and I knew. I just knew.

And then he kissed me for the first time! He stopped hugging me and he put his hands on my cheeks and just gazed into my eyes. Oh, I love his eyes. So gentle, and so blue. Then he kissed me. He was so hesitant, as if he didn't know how I'd react. He tasted of mint, and his lips were warm and soft. I sighed and closed my eyes, I felt like I was floating away, and as he moved away I put my arms around his neck and pulled him back to me so that I could kiss him. He whispered, "Oh, Hermione!" against my lips, and I just melted. Viktor had been good at kissing and I have to say, he taught me a fair bit - but it was like I'd never kissed anyone before! I mean, really kissed them! This was the sort of momentous event that changes your life. I didn't want to stop, ever, but then I heard Snape shouting for Madam Pomfrey because Ella was awake, and I looked across but the screens were drawn. Anyway, Remus stayed with me for the rest of the day. Gods, all this has almost made the kidnapping worthwhile!

It's no good, I simply have to go to sleep now! And I still have so much more to write. Oh well, it'll keep until tomorrow. After I've seen Remus again. I'm so happy!

Saturday December 19

The carriages will be here soon, to take everyone to Hogsmeade Station. Rotten timing, to have to say goodbye to Remus when we've only just got together. I went to see him just now, to say goodbye. I ended up spending all morning with him!

Anyway, I need to finish writing down what happened yesterday. Ella IS pregnant, Madam Pomfrey confirmed it. We went back to see her after we'd met in Professor Dumbledore's office for a sort of 'debriefing'. Remus was with me the whole time, with his hand on my shoulder. It was so nice to have him there. Ella had to tell Snape in front of everyone that he'd basically poisoned her family. I've never seen him look so upset. Then we had to tell them how we'd seen them all die! Ella obviously didn't want to mention the baby, so I sort of left that bit out. But it was all pretty horrid, having to relive it all.

And then at dinner everyone was whispering and talking about us. People kept staring, and I didn't dare look anywhere except at my plate. Then after dinner I had to fight off everyone's questions, and Remus and Sirius came to rescue me. We went to Remus' office and Sirius discreetly left us alone. I felt really awkward for a moment because I didn't know whether or not Remus had changed his mind about us, but I shouldn't have worried. He just came over to me and slowly took me in his arms, and we stood holding one another. He said he didn't want me to go tomorrow, and I asked him why, and he said he'd miss me! I told him that he was the best Christmas present I could ever have, and that I was really happy. Then we sat down by the fire and he held my hands, and said we needed to talk.

Well, that never sounds good, and I told him so! But I needn't have worried. He just wanted to make sure I know how serious our situation is, his being a teacher here. We agreed to stay apart, or at least, not get any closer until I finish school in July. It's only seven months or so, and I'll be eighteen and a half by then. I told him I'd only agree to it if he kissed me again, and he seemed to think that was a pretty good deal! He is such a wonderful kisser! He makes me tingle all over.

I must admit, things got a little heated, but it was nothing like the Wandering Hands Syndrome that most boys of my age seem to suffer from. This was altogether more...mutual, more loving...and more passionate. Gods, no wonder Ella's always smiling to herself! Just as I was starting to wonder where his bedroom might be, Remus said he thought I should be getting back to Gryffindor Tower. His ears had gone bright red and he looked as if it was the last thing he really wanted me to do, but he wouldn't let me persuade him otherwise, so I made him walk me back instead. The long way. Oh, and I never knew how romantic Hogwarts' draughty old corridors could be! One of the staircases groaned and shifted while we were on it, and it stopped mid-turn, as if it wasn't quite sure where it wanted us to go. I tuned to Remus, who was behind me on a lower step, and I put my arms around his neck and said, "Maybe this is a sign we should turn back, and go back to your office!"

"Nice try, Hermione!" he said as the staircase started to move again. Oh well!

Anyway, I got up early this morning and went to see him again. I hoped we could carry on where we left off last night. He said he'd been expecting me, and he was obviously pleased to see me! We talked for ages, until I realised I still had packing to do. Oh, I'll miss him so much! And Ella, too - I hope she's okay. She's so scared of telling Professor Snape about being pregnant. I told her he'll be overjoyed, but she's not convinced. I'm not either, actually, but I couldn't tell her that, she's worried enough as it is. I can't imagine him as a father. It's hard enough coping with the fact that he must be a human being, he keeps it very well hidden.

It's brilliant having a female friend at last. Someone I can rave to about Remus, who understands. I feel like I could tell her anything. Wonder if she wants an honorary sister?

Tuesday December 22

I got an owl from Remus!

He misses me! Oh, I'm so happy, and miserable at the same time! This is what it said:

"Dearest Hermione, I hope this finds you well. Professor Flitwick is busy decorating everything in sight, so no-one dares stand still for very long! I haven't seen much of Ella, but I think she's getting over things, with Snape's help. Harry and Ron have been out with Hagrid most of the weekend. I don't know what they've been doing, but they come back exhausted and covered in snow! Getting some practise in for Christmas Day afternoon, I'll bet! By the way, I've marked your latest work...excellent, as always. And that's about it...except that I miss you, very much. Have a good Christmas, Hermione, and I'll be thinking of you. Love, Remus."

I replied, of course, by return owl. This holiday is going to drag!

Thursday December 24

I'm fed up. Harry and Ron are at Hogwarts. So are Ella and Ginny, and Sirius. And, of course, Remus. Oh, why am I here? I know it sounds terribly ungrateful, because I love Mum and Dad, and I do like to come home to see them - but I've been here nearly a week now and I'm homesick for Hogwarts! I'm going to talk to them, ask them if they'd mind if I went back tomorrow, after lunch. They'll still have Auntie Vi and Uncle Simon here until Boxing Day, I won't be leaving them on their own. And I have my Apparition license now, I can apparate directly to Hogsmeade, Dad won't even have to get the car out.

And...I've come to a decision. The best Christmas present I could ever have would be to be with Remus. To see him. All of him. Touch him. Oh, I want to make love to him! This last week, it's been all I can think about! I know he'll say no, he's so infuriatingly responsible and aware of all the reasons why we shouldn't, I'm sure, but I want to anyway! The very worst that can happen is that he'll try to put me off. And I can be very determined. And the way I feel right now, just a kiss would be better than nothing! Oh, I really, really miss him!

Friday December 25

I feel so full I could burst! What I need is a nice long walk to help my huge Christmas dinner to digest. Say, from Gryffindor Tower to Professor Lupin's office and private rooms?

I got back at around four this afternoon. I apparated to Hogsmeade and nearly died of shock, there was so much snow! The high street was knee deep in it, and Rosmerta and Mr Honeyduke were busily organising their staff to use their wands to magick it all into huge snow sculptures each side of the road. It was lovely, I stayed and watched for several minutes, until I remembered why I'd come back! But the sculptures were so pretty. Anyway, I only walked for about ten minutes before Hagrid found me. He gave me a ride on his sled. There were loads of furs so I could snuggle down and enjoy the ride in comfort. I got more and more excited as we drew closer to Hogwarts, and when we started up the lawn I could see everybody in the distance having the traditional snowball fight! And as I got off the sled and he saw me, Remus came running to me! Running, and he threw his arms around me and kissed me so hard it took my breath away! Oh, he felt so wonderful.

And Harry was there, and Ron, and Ginny, but he didn't care! Well, actually, I think he forgot himself, but it was too late by then. We'd done it, and he didn't let go of me. We walked up to the others arm in arm. Ella and Snape were there too - and Snape's gloves and coat were caked in snow, I think he'd actually joined in! I wish I could have seen that! And he had his arm around her shoulders and they were both positively glowing. Or maybe his nose was just red with cold, it does stick out into the icy air much further than the rest of him. Oh, that was mean of me! But I just feel so exhilarated and so happy! And nervous...

Anyway, dinner was a very long affair. It starts extra early at Christmas, so when we went inside we just dumped our coats and cloaks and went straight into the Great Hall. It looks lovely this year, too. Professor Flitwick used real icicles, but charmed them so they never melt.

I ate so much, even though I'd had a Christmas lunch at home and Remus was sitting next to me. He stuffed himself! I've always noticed that he has a huge appetite, but really...and he can hold a conversation at the same time without talking with his mouth full, so it isn't gross! I must ask how he does that. It would come in ever so handy. I felt obliged to try to keep up with him to be polite, so I ended up having three helpings of turkey and two desserts before I finally admitted defeat!

Snape was mooning over Ella the whole time. I was sitting opposite them and he couldn't keep his hands off her. He kept playing with her hair and touching her arm, and leaning over to whisper in her ear, and nuzzle her as he spoke. She had that smile again and if I'm perfectly honest I'm not surprised. If Remus did that to me, I'd be a puddle on the floor. Just watching them together is surprisingly erotic. Gods. Snape, erotic? Hell, yes! If I try to look at him objectively, try to blot the last six and a half years out of my mind completely, then he is pretty sexy. I think it's mostly his single minded focus on her that does it, and the look in his eyes. Being in love certainly hasn't improved his manner with us lesser mortals. He was quite civil at dinner, though, when Remus asked him about Wolfsbane potion. And he only glared at me a couple of times.

I went to Ella's rooms after dinner, for a nice girly chat, since Remus and Professor Snape had gone down to the dungeons. I told her I wanted to sleep with Remus. Oh, it was so good to confide in someone, and she wasn't even that negative about it. She just said how hard it would be to not keep on doing it, once we'd started, and I know it'll be hard for us during term time, but I'm sure we'll cope - it'll be so worth it!

Now all I have to do is sneak past Filch and Mrs Norris and get to his rooms, and then...do what Ella seems to do so well with Snape, and wrap Remus around my little finger!

Saturday December 26

I had it all planned out. I thought I was being so clever! And then I forgot about the one obstacle in our way that I wouldn't be able to talk my way round. Contragravida potion! I got all the way to Remus' office without bumping into anyone, not even Nearly Headless Nick, who's harmless but a terrible gossip, and I was just about to open the door and sneak in when I realised I didn't have any with me! Madam Pomfrey had grudgingly let me have some when I was seeing Viktor, but I only had a dose or two left, and it was packed away at the bottom of my trunk! I'd been so carried away with how clever and assertive I was being, I completely forgot about it! So, I had to turn back and traipse all the way back to Gryffindor Tower. I knew he wouldn't trust himself with me if he thought there was any chance at all of an accident...and I certainly didn't want to go in there and come away frustrated!

Typical of my luck, I was almost back at the portrait hole when I saw Mrs Norris along the corridor, and Filch's lantern casting long shadows along the wall. Honestly, does that man never sleep? I hid in an alcove behind a tapestry and I could just peep out and see the mangy cat's red eyes staring at me. Anyway, fortunately, Filch gave her a piece of turkey from his pocket and she must have forgotten about me, because they moved on after a while, and I was safe. By the time I'd got back to my room and emptied my trunk, though, it was nearly one in the morning, and I was tired and cross. I didn't think my powers of persuasion would be up to much by then, so I ended up just going to bed. Merry Christmas, Hermione!

I'm determined next year will be better. And there's always tomorrow - I could wake him up! Now that would catch him off guard...

Sunday December 27

I don't know where to start but I've got to write this down. One day I might even let Remus read it. When we're old and grey together.

Remus and I made love yesterday. And it was nothing like I've ever done before. I've only ever had sex before. Now I know what it's like to really, really love someone.

I didn't get to sleep till about two in the morning yesterday, and I was determined to be with Remus as he woke up, so I set my alarm clock to go off at six. I was so tired, it had to prod me in the back twice before it could get my attention! Anyway, there was no-one around at that hour, even Filch had disappeared, so I had no trouble getting to Remus' classroom. It was unlocked, and I'd heard him use the charm to unlock the door to his office and private rooms loads of times, so I unlocked the doors easily. Honestly, I think Professor Snape would be incredulous if he knew how lax Remus' security is. Then again, I suppose someone with Remus' physical strength can afford to be a little complacent, and it's not as if he's an ex-Death Eater, unlike some. And this is Hogwarts.

So anyway, I've been in his bedroom now. It's nice - very comfortable, but it needs a woman's touch. It has a huge four poster bed, of course, with a lovely patchwork quilt. He says his mother made it. And there's a heap of fur blankets in a corner by the fire, for when he transforms and Sirius stays with him. Everything else is pretty much as I'd expected, but to be honest, I didn't take a great deal of notice, which isn't like me at all! But when I saw his shape huddled under the quilt, curled on his side, everything else just sort of - slipped away. Like it was out of focus. I held my breath, I didn't dare breathe in case I disturbed him and he sent me away, so I tiptoed across and - oh, this is embarrassing! I know this is my private diary but even so...I must get over this prudishness, especially now! I'm a woman now, I have to keep reminding myself!

So, I took off all of my clothes. Everything. Then I slipped into bed beside him and just lay there, ramrod stiff, wondering what to do next. He didn't stir, and he had his back to me, so I reached out my hand and gingerly touched it. It was smooth. I breathed a sigh of relief. I'd half expected him to have a hairy back, but it wasn't. He felt warm, and satiny, and he stretched out as I stroked him. His legs were closer to mine now and his buttocks were barely touching my thigh. I stretched out with my foot and rubbed it along his calf. His legs were very hairy, and I heard him sigh and whisper my name in his sleep. I just wanted to throw my arms around him then, but instead I lay on my side so that when he turned over we'd be facing one another. I didn't have long to wait, either. He rolled over and all at once his arm was across my hips and his face was inches from mine. I couldn't resist him then, he looked so adorable. I leaned over and kissed him. He didn't respond at all, at first, then his eyes opened, and we both just froze.

"Her - Her- Hermione! What are you doing here?"

It wasn't exactly the reaction I'd hoped for, but I was stuck with it, and I'm not one to give up easily, so I kissed him again. This time, I moved a little closer until my breasts brushed against his chest (I'm not stupid!) and he moaned and his arm tightened around my waist and he pulled me even closer as our kiss deepened. Oh, the way he kissed me! I felt as if I was floating away, drifting off into the stratosphere (oh, corny!) but he was holding me so tight, so close, anchoring me to him, and I could feel how much he wanted me and it made me gasp and wriggle against him. Maybe I shouldn't have, because it made him moan and he pushed me away, holding me at arms' length.

"Hermione, we can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because - because - well, you know why! Lots of reasons!"

"And none of them really matter, do they? Not right now."

He didn't answer, he just looked at me hopelessly and sighed, but then I deliberately leaned over and ran my tongue over his lips, and he pulled me back to him again and then...well, and then he didn't raise any more objections.

It was incredible. I have never felt so alive, so on fire. So - well, so - ready to be made love to. And when he touched my breasts with his fingers, and then his tongue, I could hardly catch my breath. The ache between my legs was like nothing I have ever felt before and I so wanted him to touch me there and find out what an effect he had on me, how much I needed him. I ran my hands all over him, and he's so wiry and strong, and smooth, and when I touched him lower down he arched his back and growled so loud that I was almost afraid for a moment that I was making him transform, even though I know that's not possible because I've read all about lycanthropy.

When the time came, I had to practically beg him to do it. I don't know what I said, I think I was mostly incoherent by then, but I pulled him over on to me at last, and he was so slow and so gentle, a little at a time, until I was grabbing his buttocks and making him! Oh, gods, it felt so right. So perfect, and to see his face above me, looking at me with such open wonder in his eyes, I cried. And he was so slow. I don't know, I think I imagined it would be fast, it always has been in my (admittedly somewhat limited) experience, but he rocked his hips against mine (oh gods!) and did these really slow strokes, not like a wolf or any other sort of animal I've seen on Muggle television nature programmes, but so slow and erotic. He made me come over and over again, and still he carried on. I don't know how he did it, and I thought after a while that perhaps I wasn't turning him on, so I asked him whether he wasn't enjoying it. He just smiled and said he had long since learned to take full control of his body when in human form, so that he could cope better when he transformed, and that he wanted to watch me, watch my reactions to see what pleased me (!!) and that he was so in love with me he never wanted it to end!

Well, I cried even more then - and then the pressure was building up again and everything started to rush over me in waves, and he began to speed up until he was coming too, and we held on to each other and were swept away. I ended up in his arms with my head on his chest. His chest is quite hairy and the hairs kept tickling my nose, but it was nice. We lay together for a long time, and we didn't speak. I couldn't, I felt too overwhelmed. I had never expected it to be like that. In the end, he pushed me off him, very gently, but only so that we could lie on our sides, facing one another. Entwined. His eyes were filled with love, and wonder. He told me how beautiful I was, and how he loved me. And then we kissed until we fell asleep.

We didn't wake until nearly lunchtime. He hadn't meant for me to stay there all morning (hah! I had!) and he wanted to send me back to Gryffindor Tower, but I managed to distract him and then it was too late! If anything, the second time was even better than the first. We weren't quite as hesitant, there was a lot more heat there. I felt thoroughly exhausted when we'd finished, and I had this stupid grin all over my face by the time we'd showered (together! Mmm!) and made our (separate) ways to the Great Hall for lunch. I know exactly what I must have looked like. Glowing, just like Ella.

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