Hermione's Diary

Chapter 2

Seventh Year Autumn Term

Tuesday September 1

I am so glad to be back. Remus smiled at me at the Sorting Ceremony. He looked wonderful, and his ears went quite pink when I smiled back! It was so hard to keep my eyes off him. The same DADA teacher two years in a row, what a novelty! Snape looked completely fed up, as usual. You'd think he'd be cheerful, seeing a whole year full of young impressionable minds to terrorise. Poor devils won't know what's hit them! And I bet he'll be really hard on us this year, because of the NEWTS.

It was good to see Harry and Ron again. Ron seems okay about us now. And Ernie Macmillan's Head Boy! I am so relieved it wasn't Malfoy! Ernie's okay, pretty easy going really.

Friday September 4

Well, Snape's disappeared again so we had Sirius for Potions. Which means Dumbledore mustn't be expecting Snape back any time soon.

Went to the library again today while the other seventh years were in their DADA lesson with Remus. I mean, Professor Lupin. I shouldn't keep thinking of him as Remus, it doesn't make my life any easier.

I sat in the library staring out of the window for ages, I hardly got anything done! I only managed to write twenty four inches of parchment!

Monday September 7

Ella the archivist's back! I saw her going to Hagrid's hut this afternoon as I was on my way to Herbology. I told Harry and Ron we really should go to see Hagrid, so we went after our last class, double Arithmancy (which was brilliant!)

We had tea, and rock cakes. Ron said they tasted as if they were made of actual rocks, but luckily Hagrid didn't hear him. I asked Hagrid why Ella was back, and he says Snape persuaded her to come back for her own safety! He must have really threatened her, that's all I can say! It's all very mysterious and Hagrid wouldn't tell us why she shouldn't be safe wherever she was before. Something to do with Voldemort, I suppose, these things usually are. Harry says maybe she's in love with Snape and that makes her a target. He was only joking, but the more I come to think about it, he might be right! Hagrid says she's very distracted and upset about it. I'll probably bump into her in the library sometime. In fact, I'll make sure of it. Very soon. How intriguing!

Tuesday September 15

I had my first tutorial with Remus today, in his office. I've been there before, but today was different. He actually treated me like an adult, not a pupil! Of course, I will be eighteen in four days' time. We sat in two armchairs by the fire, and we just chatted about my work so far. He was so helpful, and he gave me lots of ideas. It was so embarrassing, though, he had to ask me to leave in the end because I'd been there for three whole hours! I can't wait for next week.

Wednesday September 16

I saw Ella in the library today. Said hello, made her jump. She'd been daydreaming, she said. She always seems like she's miles away.

Thursday September 17

Went to see Hagrid today. He gave us tea and drop scones. On the way back to school afterwards Harry said they could be lethal weapons if they were dropped on someone's head. Har har har.

I saw Ella standing at the top of the Astronomy tower. At least, I'm pretty sure it was her. Can't think of anyone else at Hogwarts with that much hair, who likes mooning about. Apart from me, that is!

I think I'll see if she'd like a hot chocolate in the kitchens sometime. She looks lonely. It's all very well talking to Remus and Sirius, but she doesn't seem to have any female friends here, as far as I can tell. A bit like me, really. I mean, I can't talk to Harry and Ron about Remus, or anything. I wonder if she'd talk to me about Snape? Eww, I don't know if I'd want her to!

Saturday September 19

Well, I'm eighteen now. An adult in both worlds, wizard and Muggle. But am I in Remus' world? In his eyes? I'd love to know how he sees me. Then again, it might send me into complete depression.

Harry and Ron gave me a set of diaries and revision planners, all bound in red and gold, but not the official school ones. They're lovely. I didn't have the heart to tell them I'd already planned out all my revision timetables, so I think I'll just copy the information across into the new ones. No point in upsetting them. Or exposing myself to more ridicule, either. Mum and Dad sent me a gold locket. Mrs Weasley sent me a knitted hat and gloves set.

Friday September 25

I had coffee with Ella today, in the kitchens. She's nice. She wasn't quite as distracted today, and we got along very well. She's lived all over the place, she's had a really interesting life. Sounds like it's been lonely, though. And to think she lost her whole family the same year Harry lost his! Her sister would have been my age by now, if she'd lived. She could have been here at Hogwarts. We could have been friends, who knows? I wonder if Ella thinks that, talking to me?

I asked her about Snape, but she was very evasive. She just said she'd bumped into him in Diagon Alley and he'd asked her to come back here, and that's all she'd say. But I could tell. Her face gave her away, it went all soft when she talked about him. I do have a hard time understanding it - I mean, I really relate to her, but she's in love with Snape?

I can't wait for my next tutorial with Remus. It's in two days, once the full moon's started to wane. Last week's was great. It lasted three hours again. That makes six hours of just me and him, since term started. Oh, I should scratch that out. It sounds so juvenile. It's the sort of thing Lavender would write. And this is so much more than a schoolgirl's crush. I love him. I'm in love with him.

Thursday October 1

I met Ella in the library again today. I was telling her about Viktor, because I knew she'd been to Durmstrang. She told me how cold and miserable it was there, and she looked like talking about it was difficult for her. She said it was a very unhappy time for her, and when I asked whether that was because of Professor Snape, she admitted that it was! I decided to ask her why she'd come back now, and she just said,

"Because he asked me to!" and smiled. I didn't know whether to feel icky or whether to be sympathetic because it made me think of Remus and shiver. I think I'd do anything he asked me to. If only he'd ask!

Wednesday October 28

Snape's back, and everyone's convinced he's dying!

It all happened at dinner, I'd been wondering where Remus was, and he suddenly appeared with Sirius, holding Professor Snape up between them! He looked awful, and I think Ella screamed, because the next thing I knew she was running past us and throwing her arms around him! The whole school was in uproar, and Ella was distraught, especially after Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey reached them and whispered something to her. They all went off to the Infirmary and left Professor Flitwick in charge of restoring order. Everyone was agog, honestly, I don't think anyone bothered to wonder about why Ella had come back to Hogwarts, or even left in the first place, because they were all totally dumbfounded! They had no idea about her and Snape. I think I'd have known, even if Hagrid and Sirius hadn't let things slip to us three. I recognised her as a woman in love because I am too.

I really hope Snape doesn't die.

Thursday October 29

It's official. The rumour machine was right this time. Sirius told Harry that Snape's dying. Voldemort cursed the Dark Mark and there's a poison spreading outwards from it. Gods. I bet Ella's beside herself! Apparently they've had the best physicians from St Mungo's out to see him, and they've said it's hopeless.

There has to be something. Sirius and Remus spent all day in the Restricted Section and as soon as I found out I made Harry and Ron come with me to help. But we couldn't find anything.

Friday October 30

I've always said people should read 'Hogwarts; A History'!

When I went to bed last night I couldn't sleep, I kept thinking how desperate Ella must feel. I'd be inconsolable if anything happened to Remus. And I had something niggling in my mind, and I looked it up and it was there! A counter curse that could work! I woke Harry and Ron up, sent Ron to get Dumbledore and Fawkes, and took Harry to the Infirmary. And Harry and Dumbledore and Fawkes saved Snape's life! It was brilliant! I was so amazingly relieved, grinning from ear to ear, because of Snape, of all people! Oh, and to see the look on Ella's face! She was so happy, she hugged me so hard I couldn't breathe!

Remus walked back to Gryffindor Tower with me. Sirius came too, but he, Harry and Ron went on ahead. We were walking more slowly. I think it was Remus who was slowing the pace, but it could have been me. Anyway, he took my hand and linked it through his arm, and patted it - not in a suggestive way, he wasn't taking advantage, however much I wished he would - but it was more like a kindly uncle would behave. But it was still wonderful, and I was glad it was dark because I was blushing. I could feel his warmth and I so wanted to snuggle in to him. When we reached the portrait hole, Harry and Ron had gone in, and Sirius wasn't around, so before I said the password, I hugged him. I couldn't help myself. And he hugged me back and stroked my hair, and I felt like I wanted to laugh and sing, and never let go! I was pressed against him from my head to my toes, but then he pushed me away gently, and kissed my forehead. His eyes looked sad, and wistful, and he said goodnight, turning to leave as I closed the hole behind me.

And I still can't sleep!

Sunday November 1

It was the Hallowe'en Feast last night. I always enjoy it, but this year was particularly good. After all the tables had been cleared, Remus came to sit with me, Harry and Ron. He sat next to me and kept leaning in to whisper jokes in my ear. He was so funny, and the way his shoulder pressed against mine and his hot breath tickled my neck made me feel very giggly! I acted my age, though, and tried not to sound too immature.

When I got ready for bed I noticed that although I'd felt a bit silly and childish at times, my body had reacted to his nearness in a very mature, womanly way.

I keep telling myself, I am eighteen now. I've been an adult in the wizarding world for over a year now. And I'm not necessarily too young for him. I wish I knew whether he sees me as a girl or as a woman.

Tuesday November 3

Saw Ella today, it's the first time she's come to help Sirius since last week. She says Snape's getting better, called him 'irascible' so he must be on the mend! And she said it with a smile on her face so she mustn't mind it! She went straight back to the Infirmary when the lesson was over and she seemed so happy. Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode were sucking up to me after she'd gone, because they want to know what's been going on. As if I'd ever tell them anything!

Thursday November 5

Snape came into Potions class today! He stalked in and gave Ella such a look! The sort of look that says, 'Not in front of the students!' It was funny. And at the end of the lesson when everyone else had gone, he actually thanked us for saving his life! Quite right too, but it sounded so strange. He sounded different - sincere, and serious. And he called Harry 'Harry', not 'Potter'! I mean, it didn't exactly trip naturally off his tongue, but he did it! What a shock!

As we were leaving the classroom I looked back, and his eyes were burning into Ella. It made me shiver. I wish Remus would look at me like that. It was all I could think about, and I had to go straight to my tutorial with him! I couldn't concentrate and we ended up talking all about Snape, and the last few days. It was nice. But we didn't talk about what Ella and Snape were very probably doing right at that moment! At one point, he sat forward in his chair, leaning towards me, and he reached out and squeezed my hand. I couldn't tear my eyes from his face and eventually he let my hand go and sat back. I was shaking inside. Oh, I'm sure he feels something too!

It's nearly time for dinner. Mustn't be late.

Friday November 6

Ella knows how I feel about Remus. It's such a relief to think I can have someone to talk to about it. She and Snape were at dinner last night. They were late, and of course Harry and Ron just had to comment. Harry said Snape was looking very pleased with himself, so Ron said that was because it was pretty obvious from the dazed look on Ella's face that Snape had spent the last few hours shagging her senseless! Then they started to snigger about it. Honestly, I wish they'd just grow up!

They did have a point, though. Ella was glowing. She looked so happy. I feel really envious of her. Remus was sitting next to her and I couldn't take my eyes off him. I kept wondering what it would be like to have Remus make me feel the way Ella feels.

Anyway, Harry and Ron went straight back to Gryffindor Tower after dinner, it was Round Three of their stupid Wizard Chess tournament with Seamus and Neville and the others. I wanted to wait till Remus left, but then I saw Ella get up and say goodnight to Snape. He looked really cross, but she kissed his cheek and began to leave. Sirius and Remus were trying not to smile, because it was evident that she wasn't going back to the dungeons with Snape! I followed her out and met her by the doors to congratulate her on standing up to him. We sat and talked for a while in the entrance hall. I more or less admitted to her how I felt about Remus, but she'd guessed anyway. She made me feel better, she even said that maybe Remus had agreed to tutor me because he felt the same! Oh, I hope she's right, I really do!

Monday November 30

My thesis is going really well. I spent all day on it today. I spent all morning with Remus, and then worked on what we'd discussed in the afternoon. But I really don't know how I concentrated. We sat at his desk and he was so close our legs touched. We were bent over a really interesting book together. He's so clever. It was heavenly.

Wednesday December 2

Coffee with Ella today in her room. We had a really nice long natter. I told her I'm in love with Remus. I know it's far more than a crush. And she didn't judge me, or try to discourage me. She just - talked me through it, I suppose, made me really think about how I felt and what I want from him. Apart from the obvious! And she told me she understood. With a dreamy smile on her face, and I know who put it there! Eww!

Actually, it isn't even 'Eww' any more. More like, 'Hmm'. I suppose it's because I'm a woman in love too. Snape probably looks quite nice when he isn't scowling. In a brooding, Gothic sort of way. Foul temper, though.

Friday December 11

Met Ella for coffee again, in the kitchens. Spent all morning gossiping, it was nice. I think she's probably my closest female friend now. Even though she's old enough to be my mother, she's starting to feel more like a sister. Snape came to get her after morning lessons had finished. He was his usual sarcastic self, asking whether we'd had a productive morning and looking superior when Ella happily admitted that we hadn't stopped talking for over two hours! But I saw the way his face softened when he looked at her. They're besotted, they really are!

Anyway, after lunch I stood at the main doors for a while to watch the snow. Everywhere's white now, it looks so pretty. It was funny, I was imagining walking through it with Remus, and I must have been miles away because he actually came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder to say hello! I nearly jumped out of my skin and then I went bright red. He stood and watched with me for a while, standing a little behind me so that my right shoulder was in front of his left, and every time he leaned in to talk to me we were touching. We talked about the snow, and the forest, and sledging to Hogsmeade. Then the bell rang and he had to go, and I had to go to the dungeons to help Ella tidy Snape's storeroom.

I had a really good idea about how we should reorganise it, so it was fun. Snape kept poking his big nose in, of course. I don't think he quite trusted me, and he kept glaring at me too, so eventually I left him and Ella alone in there for a few minutes. He looked flushed when he came out, and Ella had that dreamy look again. She smiles to herself when she thinks no-one's looking. I've never been able to read auras, but I bet hers blazes every time she's near Snape. Wonder if mine does, with Remus? Gods, I wonder if he can read auras? Great. Now there's something else for me to lie awake and wonder about!